blueholly

It was against my better judgement, as well as the advice of seasoned vets on this sight (anvilhead )to send him a text.
I was SO FURIOUS with him though. He only calls when he wants something. Or comes home to eat and sleep. So, He called last night, wanting the accountant's address. I told him. One minute conversation. That's all. It made me irate to say the least. I have quit helping him at his work. Quit doing his laundry. I'm sick of being used and I wanted him to know.

So I text him and say, "do you know that you only call when you want something?" (he doesn't even ask about the kids anymore....they use to be what he lived for) Long story short... He claimed he has quit using, "only rarely" But it wouldn't matter because "i'm sure you won't believe me" (of course I don't believe that) And, "I hate him" and "he has made mistakes but I refuse to see the good he does. " He can talk all day long but his behavior has not changed one bit.

Well he's right. I have come to the point that I don't see any good. The bad out weighs the good. I don't want him to come home. I feel like I have no compassion left for him. He has sucked it all out of me. Is that bad?

So this morning I came across this sticky, and It helped me out of my confusion.

"What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."

This describes him to a T. He blames all his behavior on his work. I'm not using, he says, I'm working and YOU won't come help me... I have to much to do so I can't come home.... and, of course the all time classic "I love you" blah blah blah.... It is a mind game. Even though I know better It makes me think twice. (maybe he is working hard) Even if only for a minute.

So I thought I would send it along to all the other family's. I don't know why I didn't see it before. I have been through the stickys a thousand times. I think sometimes that God sends us help when we need it most. And this morning this was my saving grace.

I am leaving him. Just trying right now to figure out how. (after reading about meth addicts I am a little scared)
So today, I guess I will try to crawl back up on step 3....

Thanks for listening....If it wasn't for this sight... I would still be blinded... and crazy...

jerect

Falling is part of the journey.. Just pick yourself back up and start NC again and continue working on yourself.. Remember it's programs not perfection..

(((((Hugs))))

EverHopeful721

I've read this sticky several times since joining last week - you'd think it would be burned into my brain by now. But it still hits me every time I read it and makes me feel better about the situation....thanks for sharing it so I could read it yet again and be reminded that there's nothing I could have done to change the situation. It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it only matters that you continue to get back up.

laurie6781

I don't think you 'fell' off of step 3, you just took one step backward and now are
moving forward again.

This was a 'learning' experience for you. Hopefully, the next time you get that
'urge' to reply to any of his contacts you will remember how you felt when you
took the step backward.

Oh and since, he is not contacting you about the children any more, why not
totally block him for a while at least? Block his emails, his text messages and
if he calls, put the 'ringtone' of a quacking duck on his number so you know not
to pick up. Just a thought that I believe would help you tremendously.

Love and hugs,

blueholly

Laurie,
Yes I know i should. I usually don't contact him and he doesn't contact me. Funny to think that he thinks this is a marriage. Sometimes we don't talk for days. It use to drive me crazy but, now it is peace I wish he would just go away for good so I don't have to take the step to get a divorce and get away. It would be so much easier. My temper just got the best of me last night.

AnvilheadII

I wish he would just go away for good so I don't have to take the step to get a divorce and get away

an addict is the LAST person i would EVER put in charge of my own security and future or that of my children.

time to quit wishing dear and get real. you can't blink your eyes and he will just GO AWAY.

jerect

Addicts never just go away for good.. They keep coming back until we say enough and go NC..

shinebright7

((Hugs)) BlueHolly

Today at my AL Anon group we focused on Step 3...

I am only on step 1 in my personal work, but wow, Step 3 felt SO GOOD to think about.

We talked about how it is a DECISION -- just in the same way that we decide to go to the grocery store, we can decide to turn our life and will over...

I thought about how even if I decide to go to the grocery store, and I get in the car to go, I might go to the bank first, and then go Oh, right...I'm going to the grocery store...

And then I might head to the grocery store again and then I see the dry cleaners and I stop there...and then i go oh yeah...I was going to the grocery store.

So I keep coming back to my original decision... (to go to the grocery store)

But in this case it's my decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God...

So that's what I'm going to keep putting my attention on...that I can always redirect my attention toward God and turning my will and life over.

Even if for a moment I take a detour and go into self-will mode, I can remember...oh yeah! I'm going to to the grocery store (Going to turn my will and life over to the care of God!)

So I'm loving step 3 today and Im glad you're thinking about it today too. Sounds like it could help you feel better also. xo

blueholly

Shinebright,
Yes you are right. I can always go back to that decision. Thanks
jerect, anvil head,
and as always you are also right. I just need to be reminded...

julez

Jon the addict sounds like my daughter. Shes not an active addict, but the mental illness she has makes it impossible for her to feel how her behavior affects others, feel empathy, or not me extremely impulsive. Sucks..

laurie6781

Just a bit of info y'all might like:

Jon the Addict is the person who started this site! Then some years later when it was
starting to get HUGE, he sold it so he could do his 12 step work, live, face to face and
nearer to his home, lol

I will always be grateful to Jon for starting this site and I tell him so at least yearly, lol

Love and hugs,

blueholly

Hey Laurie,
That is good to know! Thanks for sharing that! So he is someone who really knows! I am great full for all your comments. I am trying to get my head back on straight today.... I had been doing so well moving forward. And for some reason I am back in a rut... lonely for the "old" man that I married years ago.... I am angry with him for doing this to us and sad... But I keep telling myself I have to move forward... tomorrow will be better....