thelima

I am drunk right now. I don't know whether this disqualifies me from contributing to the community.

Also, I am an atheist. I hope this does not ostracize me from the community as well.

I meet my day to day obligations. Sometimes I get noticed for looking tired, but generally I don't get more feedback than that. I'm fitting in, but probably not living up to my full potential.

I drink a pint of vodka every night. It feels great when I'm drunk. I look forward to being drunk. I feel a lot more present when I'm drunk. Anxiety that plagues me during the day goes away. This gives me an incentive to keep drinking.

I'm not a victim and I choose my own behavior.

I feel like drinking is affecting my life poorly. I am probably underperforming in my career. My energy levels are low because of a lack of sleep. I make frequent bad choices when it comes to meals. I attribute a significant amount of this to my drunkenness.

I don't know where to go or who to speak with. I want to avoid drinking but in the moment the pros outweigh the cons.

oct11

Sounds like me!!!!!

thelima

Has anything you've done helped?

oct11

I have tried to quit many times. I go to work everyday, work hard, no one else thinks I have a problem, even my closest friends who don't drink don't think I have a problem. I know I do tho, and I'm the only who can fix it. I'm an alcoholic and the only thing that is helping me stay sober today is that I actually recently just admitted I am an alcoholic and realize I'm powerless over alcohol. I have battles and fought internally with myself talking myself out of the truth. I think if u get to a point where you think and wonder if its a problem, it probably is

RocketQueen

Hi and welcome to SR.

Firstly, I would re read your post when you are sober and perhaps consider if you still feel the same way. Are you really as functional as you think you are right now? Do you really think that people don't notice more than they let on? You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to change so congrats on taking the first step!

Secondly, I would consider talking to my doctor and getting a plan together and going from there. You do drink a considerable amount, so I would approach detox with caution. Perhaps also seeking counseling to help with the anxiety you experience during the day.

These are just suggestions. Again, welcome and good luck with your journey

RQ

Dee74

Welcome to SR Thelima

Drinking made all of us feel great...until it stopped making us feel great - but by then we still needed to drink anyway.

That's the natural and inevitable progression.
The earlier you can hop off that progression, the better it will be.

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, some are 12 step, some are spiritual, others are not:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit our Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a secular non 12 step approach.

D

Coldfusion

I and my wife are atheists also, and we go to AA and NA meetings and work the programs to stay sober.

There are two other recent threads about "functioning" alcoholics:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-addicts.html

and

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

needtostopthis

Well i was like you, i was a functioning alcoholic too...until one day i wasnt anymore. I used to drink half a fifth of vodka 2 times a week and then have to work the next day. I felt like crap alot but i still did my job, took care of my kid and cooked dinner and everyone thought i was fine. I thought i was alright, but here i am about 4 years later and i drink about 4 times a week (same amount) and i still can function (sometimes) but not most of the time i am half dead. It caught up with me.

To be honest i don't think your ready, i have made post just like your when i first realized i wanted to stop, but deep inside i didn't want to. I would suggest seeing a counsolar and finding out why you drink, it helps to have someone to talk to also.

I also am not religious, but i am going to go to an AA meeting this weekend. I need to at least see what it's like. You don't need to be religious to go to AA.

Willowgrace326

You sound a lot like me. I drink a pint (sometimes more) of Rum a night. I work at a job that employs ~ 3,000. A temporary "Second in Command" position came up and I was automatically offered the job. I was praised for the great job I did. Nobody had any idea that I got drunk the night before I started filling in & got drunk every night while I was filling in. I even got a raise at the end.

I wasn't hiding it from my family though. My marriage was in a downward spiral. It was really easy to put on a facade at work, but no matter how good you think you are, those close to you know.

pressdelete2010

I know what you're saying. I too have had drinks tonight, so I won't be much help other than to tell you that I am in the same boat. I only drink at night so during the day I suffer and power through. I have excelled at my career and no 1 knows my problem. my husband starts drinking in the morning. he manages to skate by. I hold it all together. I am NOT an atheist. I beg for healing but don't get it because I am missing something. I want to get help for myself... but feel so consumed by my life... my kids... that I don't know how. I guess you would say that I haven't hit bottom... I don't feel allowed to hit bottom. but I can't get to the top either. so although I know my post will not solve your problems... I hope that you will not feel alone. there are other functioning alcoholics out there. who are trying to figure it out.

Rennet

I agree with this. The pros outweighed the cons for me 2 years ago, at least I thought they did. In retrospect although I got pleasure from being drunk I isolated myself from many opportunities to make friends and do fun things. I avoided so many things so I could protect that "me" time.. at about 5pm when I could start drinking and end the day.

But what gets frightening is when you start to really accept and see evidence of the progressiveness of the disease. When you start to lose that control. Going back to 2 years ago.. I was a nightly drinker for about 6 years back then, I was a pro. Always had a rough limit of drinks per night that slowly increased. Now I feel utterly powerless, I drink so much at night that I'm sick all day before I get drunk again. There's no limit I drink til I pass out. If I'm sick enough screw it I'll drink in the morning because really I'm not kidding myself anymore I'm an alcoholic... see how it's starting to creep in?

The funny thing is, with us daily drinkers the story always seems the same (I read a lot of threads here). So while it's always hard to say what happens to me will happen to you, if I was a betting man...

instant

I continued to feel the dread of not drinking when I stopped. I could see where the road was heading.

Thankfully things turned around. In retrospect I came to understand that my entire emotional system had been high jacked by alcohol.

I thought I was doing OK. Truth is I am now truly living, rather than living a lie.

llastchance8

Dear Thelima and OCt11.. we can really relate to the situation you are facing. We have been there and experienced it. As Dee said, I , too loved and enjoyed my drinking. But after few years of drinking a pint of whisky every night, it stopped giving me any joy or fun whatsover. My health suffered and deteriorated at a very slow but at a constant rate. It was no more fun because, it became a compulsion and maintenance issue. I had to drink ,not because I got any fun but I had to drink otherwise I might have severe withdrawals and life threatening situation.. None of you want to reach that stage. Please believe us, the pain you will face now, of not having the fun of drinking, will be nothing compare to the pain you will face. Alcohol is a slow poison and does its job very well on every one. As others have suggested, please see a doctor, get through safe detox, seek help from counselor .. This HFA ( High Functioning Alcoholism ) is a big epidemic now a days. It punches us , one day with a big blow, before even, we can realize that what has hit us. Wishing you all the best .

least

I didn't want to stop drinking either. It was all I knew and I was afraid to give it up. But now that I've been sober over three years I don't miss it one bit and am feeling better than I have in a long while. Give it a try.

ReadyAtLast

I've been plagued by anxiety since my teens and drank to avoid feelings and ease and ignore the anxiety. since i stopped drinking my anxiety has almost disappeared. It's the strangest feeling. I realize the drinking was not helping at all but causing and exacerbating the problem all along

Taking5

I've said this many times, functional is not a type of alcoholism, it is a stage of alcoholism.

pressdelete2010

I get what everybody is saying about stages. my husband starts to drink early in the morning to cope. he has always been further progressed than me. for so many years his situation has allowed me to not deal with my own issues. I could hide behind the fact that he was worse than me. " if only he'd quit drinking then I would too". worsened by the fact that he still says that I don't have a problem. ..because it's not like his. gives me a lot of excuses not to face my own issues. which I have gladly taken. 1 day he maybe dead , and I will be him if I don't stop the progress

DryRoastJim

I don't think it will so Welcome!

I did this very same routine for YEARS! What type of anxiety do you have? For me it was panic attacks, daily and un-relenting. BUT! when I got home, ahhhh boooze, no more "fear."

Didn't we all?

Oh I am sure it is doing all of that and more. You have already begun to take on this battle, you see and accept what is happening. You are on the right track!

You have found a great (quite possibly life saving) resourse right here! Ask questions, tell you stories, read the boards, learn as much as you can!! Once empowered you will be able to make the right choice for you.

I am curious about your anxiety, I had severe (still got it but it is managed) axniety and panic.

Be safe and be well!!

daisy1

Thanks for your post - you remind me of me three years ago - you can see I joined in 2010. I have deteriorated over the last two years and my job and house started becoming at risk, so I have begun to attend meetings etc.
I posted something similar, and then said 'I don't need this forum anymore bye guys' and everyone wished me the best, and said 'come back when you are ready'
'Pah' I thought, I will be ok and won't be back... I'm nearly a week sober and hey presto - anxiety about 10% instead of 90% of the time. It's nice :-)
Good luck xxx

Cormat

This.

And no alcoholic 'functions'. They miss-function, to various degrees and it never gets better.

I used to convince myself that I was a functioning alcoholic and that somehow that made me better than the people who slept on park benches and so on and used it as justification to carry on drinking.

In someways I almost envy (envy is the wrong word but all I can come up with at the moment) those who really plunge into chronic alcoholism in a relatively short time. Yep its hellish but for a relatively short time and the symptons are obvious.

But 'functioning' Alcoholics just lead grey lives that become slowly more and more desperate. You dont so much lose everything but rather have it nibbled away from you in the most dispiriting way possible.

They talk about this 'disease' being cunning and baffling but for me its a sadistic parasite that feeds off your misery and despair and just leeches from you.

So to the OP, sure kid yourself all you want but I would beg you to be under no illusions. This disease will kill you and that its taking from you now, even as you read this. You aint drinking that booze because you enjoy it anymore otherwise you would not be looking at websites like this, you are drinking it because this parasite wants it.

And you cannot beat this parasite on your own. Nobody can. Even if you dont believe in God, then you have to believe in the fact that this thing is stronger than you are and that you need the help of others to stop it destroying you.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I ******* hate this parasite with a passion and just wish I had confronted this 20 years ago when I knew I had a problem rather than only facing up to it 10 months ago.