Withholding Contacts?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
Withholding Contacts?
I might have asked this question before but I think it was mixed with other items, so I need to clarify.
My AB is in jail, I am the only number/address he had memorized (joy joy). I have been his primary family contact in general as mom is essentially a functional alcoholic and dad hasn't talked to him in years. He has burned most of his good friends. Oh, and I am one of those adult 'mom-like' codependents.
I have stopped supporting him emotionally, putting money on his accounts, told him I am no longer rescuing his 'stuff', etc etc. I have only talked to him twice in the last couple months, but when I don't answer the phone I start getting letters.
He is throwing a fit about not getting 'help' in jail, I am about to put a block on my phone and will just stop reading his mail.
My question is this. I have NOT given him contact info for anyone else in the fam or his friends (I have his few remaining possessions in storage in my basement, so I have all his old contacts).
Family members and a few of his good friends prior to drugs have asked me how he is, I have now just started directing them to look up the jail address and ask him themselves. It appears no one has sent him a letter.
So now that I am no longer helping him he is guilt tripping me about witholding addresses and info for others.
Frankly, I just want to be OUT of this whole mess.
Part of me feels like well, if he didn't have me he wouldn't have those contacts any who because he knew no one else's info when he was picked up. But another part of me feels like maybe I am trying to 'control' the situation and his relationship with others by not giving him info.
Any thoughts? Is my codie side being controlling, or is the guilt tripping getting to me?
My AB is in jail, I am the only number/address he had memorized (joy joy). I have been his primary family contact in general as mom is essentially a functional alcoholic and dad hasn't talked to him in years. He has burned most of his good friends. Oh, and I am one of those adult 'mom-like' codependents.
I have stopped supporting him emotionally, putting money on his accounts, told him I am no longer rescuing his 'stuff', etc etc. I have only talked to him twice in the last couple months, but when I don't answer the phone I start getting letters.
He is throwing a fit about not getting 'help' in jail, I am about to put a block on my phone and will just stop reading his mail.
My question is this. I have NOT given him contact info for anyone else in the fam or his friends (I have his few remaining possessions in storage in my basement, so I have all his old contacts).
Family members and a few of his good friends prior to drugs have asked me how he is, I have now just started directing them to look up the jail address and ask him themselves. It appears no one has sent him a letter.
So now that I am no longer helping him he is guilt tripping me about witholding addresses and info for others.
Frankly, I just want to be OUT of this whole mess.
Part of me feels like well, if he didn't have me he wouldn't have those contacts any who because he knew no one else's info when he was picked up. But another part of me feels like maybe I am trying to 'control' the situation and his relationship with others by not giving him info.
Any thoughts? Is my codie side being controlling, or is the guilt tripping getting to me?
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Sounds like you are ready to go no contact.. Return his mail back to the jail, block your phone from accepting collect calls cause that's how they cal from jail right? And pack up his stuff and send it to his moms..
I think redirecting his friends and family to his jail address is a good idea... He's not your problem anymore :-)
I think redirecting his friends and family to his jail address is a good idea... He's not your problem anymore :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
unless it says PHONE BOOK on your forehead, then you are NOT his personal address book. that's what getting locked up does....cuts you off from regular normal life. if you want out, then get out....you are not his only option!!! he was "resourceful" enough to get himself into trouble..he can dang sure find his way out!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi Meadowsis,
It sounds to me like you've set some good boundaries...I've been faced with decisions such as this. Funny how when they are in jail they can convince you that YOU are their only connection to the outside world....where are all those friends from before they were picked up? Too busy to put pen to paper? Redirecting his friends and family to the jail is the perfect solution. They can reach out to him if they choose to. Perhaps this is the "lesson" he needs to receive. You cannot alienate yourself from family and friends and then expect them to be at your beck and call when you need them. When my son does this to me I just tell him "you can't have me warming up in the bullpen waiting for you to call me into the game"...it simply doesn't work that way. Stay strong. Keep your boundaries firm. Don't let yourself be manipulated. You've done really well so far....keep up the good work. If you haven't attended any al-anon meetings they have been very helpful to me...we have no nar-anon in this area. I've also found a lot of clarity by a daily read type book "the language of letting go" by Melody Beattie. Enjoy your day...Lizwig
It sounds to me like you've set some good boundaries...I've been faced with decisions such as this. Funny how when they are in jail they can convince you that YOU are their only connection to the outside world....where are all those friends from before they were picked up? Too busy to put pen to paper? Redirecting his friends and family to the jail is the perfect solution. They can reach out to him if they choose to. Perhaps this is the "lesson" he needs to receive. You cannot alienate yourself from family and friends and then expect them to be at your beck and call when you need them. When my son does this to me I just tell him "you can't have me warming up in the bullpen waiting for you to call me into the game"...it simply doesn't work that way. Stay strong. Keep your boundaries firm. Don't let yourself be manipulated. You've done really well so far....keep up the good work. If you haven't attended any al-anon meetings they have been very helpful to me...we have no nar-anon in this area. I've also found a lot of clarity by a daily read type book "the language of letting go" by Melody Beattie. Enjoy your day...Lizwig
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by lizwig 
Funny how when they are in jail they can convince you that YOU are their only connection to the outside world....where are all those friends from before they were picked up?
So I just keep repeating those scenes of how he took care of himself outside of jail to make myself remember he doesn't need more help in jail. I have some of the same medical conditions, he knows that, so he is hitting me right where I am most empathetic.
Okay, no contact for me, no phone book for him, time to enforce the boundaries I told him and he didn't respect. I have a therapy appt tomorrow so that will help. She keeps me on my toes and calls me out if I give in.
On my hormones this month for infertility treatment which make my sleep habits terrible. Really tired of sitting up at night for hours with a rambling mind! Think I will go look for a new riveting book to pass the time instead, lol.
Thanks everyone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
I sent a quick letter to my AB as our last conversation left a couple things hanging so I made it clear I wasn't doing anything and was distancing myself, then I blocked my number from the jail system.
Next day I get a letter in the mail, which he sent before I decided no contact. I had my husband read, decide if it was the usual gimme gimme gimme. It was a short note, apologizing, thanking me, saying he wasn't going to bug me anymore, he would talk to someone else, apologies apologies.
Briefly I felt bad for sending my no contact decision, BUT, I quickly went back to his previous letter he sent just a few days before, and just a couple sentences read of that where he was guilt tripping like there was no tomorrow and I felt my resolve harden.
Good to go now
I sure hope he gets his head on straight one day, I miss my bro.
Next day I get a letter in the mail, which he sent before I decided no contact. I had my husband read, decide if it was the usual gimme gimme gimme. It was a short note, apologizing, thanking me, saying he wasn't going to bug me anymore, he would talk to someone else, apologies apologies.
Briefly I felt bad for sending my no contact decision, BUT, I quickly went back to his previous letter he sent just a few days before, and just a couple sentences read of that where he was guilt tripping like there was no tomorrow and I felt my resolve harden.
Good to go now
I sure hope he gets his head on straight one day, I miss my bro.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Praying for you. Boy have I been there.
I think about you frequently because know you lost a brother on top of dealing with one in active addiction. I also lost a brother when we were younger in an accident. We nearly lost my oldest to suicide in 2011. Oldest is clean now but brother #3 is not. He was rescued by the brother we lost and he survived. I know that plays a major role in his pain. I think all this loss makes it even harder for us as siblings to know what is right.
It's not easy to ignore all the pleas, but my brother #3 is really angry all the time so in a way I know I must ignore him for my own self preservation. He even tries to guilt me because I enabled brother #1 but won't enable him since I know better now. He contacts me only when he wants something.
I almost never write about him here and at times feel very guilty because I treat him differently than I do the oldest who is in recovery.
I miss my brother, too. He can be the most wonderful and fun person in the world. Smart, funny and kind.
Will continue praying for you and your bro.
Hanna
I think about you frequently because know you lost a brother on top of dealing with one in active addiction. I also lost a brother when we were younger in an accident. We nearly lost my oldest to suicide in 2011. Oldest is clean now but brother #3 is not. He was rescued by the brother we lost and he survived. I know that plays a major role in his pain. I think all this loss makes it even harder for us as siblings to know what is right.
It's not easy to ignore all the pleas, but my brother #3 is really angry all the time so in a way I know I must ignore him for my own self preservation. He even tries to guilt me because I enabled brother #1 but won't enable him since I know better now. He contacts me only when he wants something.
I almost never write about him here and at times feel very guilty because I treat him differently than I do the oldest who is in recovery.
I miss my brother, too. He can be the most wonderful and fun person in the world. Smart, funny and kind.
Will continue praying for you and your bro.
Hanna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
Thanks Hanna, you definitely have your hands full with your siblings!
My brother guilt trips me by focusing on his medical issues (because I have similar ones). I suspect your brother would find some crack, some sore spot and focus on it whether you had helped your other brother or not. They are just so dang good at finding that one thing aren't they??
My current AB I know feels a lot of guilt about our younger brother's suicide. I know there was some conversations between them and possibly the older brother was trying to help him with his alcohol problems. He never talked about it, but I suspect a good deal of my AB's issues go back to not being able to save his younger brother.
He won't talk about it AT ALL. The mention of therapy is like kryptonite to him. I am pretty sure he is skimming things in treatment in jail, saying he just had chronic pain and stumbled into pain killers. He announced the other day that he was now going to lead NA meetings (trying to earn brownie points with me). My therapist said often times when someone is not opening up they get them to start leading the group, see if they can start breaking down the walls. Hope so, that boy is a tough nut to crack.
Sending positive vibes your way that your brother finds his path as well
My brother guilt trips me by focusing on his medical issues (because I have similar ones). I suspect your brother would find some crack, some sore spot and focus on it whether you had helped your other brother or not. They are just so dang good at finding that one thing aren't they??
My current AB I know feels a lot of guilt about our younger brother's suicide. I know there was some conversations between them and possibly the older brother was trying to help him with his alcohol problems. He never talked about it, but I suspect a good deal of my AB's issues go back to not being able to save his younger brother.
He won't talk about it AT ALL. The mention of therapy is like kryptonite to him. I am pretty sure he is skimming things in treatment in jail, saying he just had chronic pain and stumbled into pain killers. He announced the other day that he was now going to lead NA meetings (trying to earn brownie points with me). My therapist said often times when someone is not opening up they get them to start leading the group, see if they can start breaking down the walls. Hope so, that boy is a tough nut to crack.
Sending positive vibes your way that your brother finds his path as well
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
The woman that helped my oldest Brother get into treatment later said she believed the death of our brother was a major factor for both of them. Neither ever truly dealt with losing him. That really stunned me, stupidly. I think as women we often just process things differently. No one ever indicated to me that feelings were a bad thing, or that I needed to be strong. It grieves me to think of them dealing with that pain for almost 30 years without help.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((meadowsis)) - when I was locked up, once, my cell-mate was a girl I knew from the streets. She was a diabetic. Though the jail fed her food that was a diabetic diet, she continuously ate everyone's leftovers and was constantly bugging me and others for "snacks". Funny, her diet wasn't a concern when we were both out on the streets!
I finally told her, in a moment of clarity, that if her blood sugar dropped ONE more time, she did not need to wake me up (I used to be a nurse), but press the button to call the CO.
Last time I saw her, years ago, she was back out on the streets.
It's hard to go NC when they are telling you how HORRIBLE it is. I can only say that jail and a diversion center was what I needed at the time. It was far from fun, but my basic needs were taken care of. The only people I could contact was my dad/stepmom and I was limited to once a week. If I went over that? They would have put a block on their phone, and I knew that.
My suggestion is give him the dignity to deal with the consequences of HIS actions. As both an RA and a recovering addict, YOU aren't his "last hope"....HE is. I did have supportive family, but in the end it came down to me and what I wanted from life.
Big hugs and prayers,
Amy
I finally told her, in a moment of clarity, that if her blood sugar dropped ONE more time, she did not need to wake me up (I used to be a nurse), but press the button to call the CO.
Last time I saw her, years ago, she was back out on the streets.
It's hard to go NC when they are telling you how HORRIBLE it is. I can only say that jail and a diversion center was what I needed at the time. It was far from fun, but my basic needs were taken care of. The only people I could contact was my dad/stepmom and I was limited to once a week. If I went over that? They would have put a block on their phone, and I knew that.
My suggestion is give him the dignity to deal with the consequences of HIS actions. As both an RA and a recovering addict, YOU aren't his "last hope"....HE is. I did have supportive family, but in the end it came down to me and what I wanted from life.
Big hugs and prayers,
Amy
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