Did we just not know them?????

Old 03-11-2013, 05:19 AM
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Did we just not know them?????

One of my friends says we never really know a person..

So after 20 years with a person, is that possible? Do A's change so much once they get into recovery? Does drinking hide who they really are or change there personality? And is it possible to be fooled for that many years?
My STBXRAH says he woke up one day and "felt different"...it seemed overnight. He went from telling me every day that he didn't want to lose his family and had realized how much we meant to him, to I was never happy and if Im with you I will drink. Of course this big change happened coincidently almost to the day he met the woman he got involved with so I question the rational.
But his behavior since leaves me questioning if I ever really knew him?
Wondering if this is the norm for recovering A's .....
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:44 AM
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I wouldn't say that leaving one's partner for another woman is a "norm" for recovering alcoholics. I would say, though, that in early recovery--when the alcohol is gone but you still don't have your marbles back and your emotions are all over the place with no way to process them, it is very tough on relationships in general. Some make it and some don't.

Relationships are hard work, and usually by the time an alcoholic is finally ready to quit drinking, there has been a lot of damage done. Some find it too difficult to cope with, and sort of take the easy way out. I don't think it's possible to generalize--there are plenty of alcoholics who DO do the hard work. And there are some, probably, who stayed in relationships while drinking that they would have ended anyway if they were sober and able to cope on their own.
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:50 AM
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Alcoholic or not, some men will never make a move unless they meet someone else. It's almost a given.
So sorry about what you're going through.
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Old 03-11-2013, 06:29 AM
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S Some women too.
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Old 03-11-2013, 06:56 AM
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What he is saying is simply a way for him to put the blame on you for his bad behavior.

If I am with you I will drink, really???? He will drink again, no worries on that one.
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Old 03-11-2013, 08:44 AM
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I think the years spent with an active addict is like counterfeit money. It may look real, sometimes it can be passed on as real, but in the end there is no value.

An addicts mind is polluted with their DOC. There is no rational thought. The minute they start to feel/hurt they medicate.

I have heard it said on these boards many times " Often we give the booze too much credit" and for me that certainly has been true. I had to stop making excuses for his unacceptable behavior, and poor choices. It's as if I was giving him a "get out of jail free card" daily. I just kept sweeping all his dirt under the rug, and one day I could no longer walk across the rug.

I think we all have wonderful memories of the man or woman we fell in love with. And perhaps for that moment in time that is who they really were.

There is a reason our eyes are on the front of our body, so we can see clearly as we go forward.


Peace, my friend.
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Old 03-11-2013, 08:46 AM
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Dear My3sons, I also agree with what KatieKate just said.

When a person is drinking alcoholically,or even in early recovery, the whole person was NEVER completely present for you to know. Their constant battle inside their own brain with the grotesque disease--that lies to them and alters their reality--prevents them from being open and honest. Really, they don't even know themselves. What they know is how do defend the disease.

In addition, if they are not working the 12 steps with all of their determination, they aren't even in TRUE recovery mode. They are just "dry". Their attitudes and thinking haven't changed--so, naturally, their behaviors haven't either. The healing is in the steps.

My short answer is that we don't know the real person.

We do know how they treat us, though. We have to decide if we want that in our lives or not.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-11-2013, 02:30 PM
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The last 20 yrs of my life have been a waste and a lie..that feels really crappy.
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Old 03-11-2013, 02:52 PM
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Hi my 3 sons,

I struggle with this same question. Is it Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde that's the fake?

In my AH's case, I think they are both aspects of the same, unwell person.

But I always sensed there was something lurking there that I didn't like. It's just that overtime that shadowy personna took on more substance and the nice Jekyll only came out when it was time to play nice with the ladies at the playground.

I semi-consciously made the decision to marry someone Yi had reservations about. I learned some amazing things from him, traveled around the world, had 4 gorgeous amazing brilliant children and then Mr Hyde started taking over so basically I got the h**l out of there.

No need to have regrets! We are here together on this lovely planet to love and to learn!
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Old 03-11-2013, 02:53 PM
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Dear my3sonsnme---I do not agree that your life has been a waste for the last 20 years. You are valuable--so your living can never be a waste. This is just your co-dependency talking to you.

You are very hurt, right now. This, too, shall pass.

Many here, who have walked in your shoes, can testify to this.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:45 PM
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It just seems unreal to me to have a life with someone for that long and realize that you were living with a total stranger the whole time...I let this person raise my kids with me..I thought we were a family. To have that person that you trusted turn on you and abandon your kids is hurtful...my life will go on and we will be happy, but I don't think I will ever trust a person again.
I understand that he is an alcoholic...I get it, and I can forgive him because I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating another human being, but I don't think I can forgive him for turning his back on my kids the way he has. and it doesn't seem to have affected him at all..he simply moved on and has not looked back.
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Old 03-12-2013, 06:02 AM
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His moving on may be the best thing for all involved. Sometimes our gifts come in damaged packages.

People change. People change. People change. You have changed too I guarantee it from the woman he met 20 years ago, and had alcohol not been an issue you still would have changed and so would he. Like a relapse, a decision to leave a long term relationship doesn't happen overnight. He didn't just wake up and think "hmmm I think I want out of my marriage".

I find his comment that your marriage would cause him to drink to be about as low as one can go - what a weak assed man to put that on you, and its utterly untrue. If that's what he really thinks expect relapse because that kind of comment is very indicative of relapse thinking.

You will trust people again - as you recover from his betrayal and watch new gf and he sail off on the Titanic you may be glad it isn't you anymore. I hope so.

I like what Pippi said and how she is handling her situation - there WERE good times, there WERE amazing things, she got 4 wonderful children from him and no regrets. Yep, moving right along to greener pastures.
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Old 03-12-2013, 06:30 AM
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my3sons, much of what you are feeling right now is the grieving that almost always comes with the loss of a significant relationship--whether it was good or bad.

You need people that understand what living with addiction is all about and can support you as you build a new and healthy life. Keep coming here. Also alanon and counseling is a vital source of this kind of support.

Don't try to go this alone!!!!

very sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-12-2013, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I find his comment that your marriage would cause him to drink to be about as low as one can go - what a weak assed man to put that on you, and its utterly untrue.
My AW blames me for any/all problems in our marriage! Forget the fact she is ACoA, or that she had verbaly/physically abusive ex-BF's, or other nasty things happen to her that she won't deal with.. Nope, it's all my fault!!

Thank God for Detachment - I know better.

C-OH Dad
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:33 AM
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In regard to him turning his back on your kids I would view it as the biggest blessing ever bestowed upon your family. Kids never deserve to live in a house of addiction, NEVER.

They may not fully understand all the circumstances today, but one day they will be so very thankful that were not raised in a house of pain, and turmoil.

You and your kids deserve normalcy, peace, love, comfort, security, that is NOT something he could offer or provide. Raise the bar for yourself, and your family.

In gentleness I say, playing the "how could he leave my kids" card is YOUR transferred pain. Dig down a little deeper, get brutally honest with yourself, this is not about him abandoning your kids, for God's sake, he was never really there......... Addicts are not good role models for children. period.
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Old 03-12-2013, 10:35 AM
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oh sweetie - this is such a difficult time - so much pain, grief and heartache

but please hang in there - Hope is with you and I do believe that in time things will get better

will all the pain go away - hmm probably not, but as long as you stay focused in your recovery program I do believe you will find a way to process it and heal.

I know I did.

I was with my exah for almost 17 yrs ~ it was I who chose to walk away ~ after 10 1/2 yrs of active use, then 2 1/2 yrs of recovery and then another 3 yrs of multiple relapses and the continued downward spiral - I knew it was time to go . . .

As others have heard me share - ours was an ugly split, but that was over 4 yrs ago now and I can say now I don't regret the marriage.
I regret staying as long as I did & the damage it did to our daughters but I know there were good times & bad; I know that I in my own disease played a part in some of those bad times as much as his disease did too.

My daughters & grandchildren miss their sober father/grandfather - they had him for a few years and he was a very active part of their lives ~ then that darkness overtook his life and the light of recovery died in his eyes - They talk about at least they have some good memories ~ Because of recovery I can encouragement them to cherish those memories, rather than hate everything about him.

Today I am a wiser, healthier, more compassionate, forgiving and understanding woman because of what I survived

I truly believe you will be too ~ allow your HP to walk with you thru this painful time - it is definitely not easy but the healing that occurs is worth it for yourself and your family ~

the great reward is peace ~

don't give up before the miracle happens in you - you deserve it

pink hugs
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Old 03-12-2013, 03:58 PM
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Marie, I have been thinking about what you said today...your right, He was never really there for the kids. I think Im angry at myself for once again making a bad decision that affected my kids. That I put them threw that unhealthy atmosphere for so many years. My oldest always wanted him to be the the dad he never had but he just couldn't do it...but boy did I live that fantasy. people would say "Hes so great with your kids" and I would just smile and act the part. Knowing that he wasn't the least bit involved, Oh, he would make some effort, Im sure he cared about them. But when no one was around he really couldn't be bothered.
My anger at him about the kids is really my anger at myself...and maybe a little hurt..you don't love my kids, you don't love me..kinda hand in hand.
and Pink..Im slowly getting to the point that I can see positive through all the hurt. If it were not for him, my kids would not have had the life style they did. We had a nice house and my kids got to live and grow up in that house and go to good schools. I could not have done that as a single mom. And regardless of what he says there were some good times that were full of laughter with all of us. We had times that we were a real family and my kids will always remember that. He was a good person at heart and I don't know what happened to change that but whats done is done..not to say I don't hurt over it but Im excepting it. for the first year I told myself hed be back..for the last 6 months Ive realized that I cant live my life like that. Im not laying in a ball crying on the floor like I was so that a plus right??
He is a very troubled person..I know that, I lived it for many many years. He cant run from that unfortunetly and it will come back to haunt him. He has given up the relationship with his son for what ever it is he has now and that was his choice. He will have to find a way to live with that.
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:02 PM
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RedAtlanta..thanks for yours support also...Its nice to have people understand and have my back..
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:24 PM
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I too was in a 20 year relationship with kids that ended.
I completely understand how you feel & am so sorry for your hurt.
That was 6 years ago & I have moved on & so have the children.
It will get easier over time but it is important to grieve for your loss.
Keep the good memories & share them with your children & throw away the rest.
Big hugs to you.
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:19 PM
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my3sonsme I am so sorry you have to go through this. I think many of us all have the same stumbling block - we recognize or say we recognize that alcoholism is a mental disease - but then we try to understand it.! Ask yourself if this was a brain tumor he had, would you be as shocked at his behaviour ? A RA once said to me if you could understand his behaviour -that would make you insane too! I think that the fact that we see the same behaviours over and over again in A's/RA's tells us something. The remorse and the guilt were difficult enough to bear for him when he could 'medicate' himself - let alone now. It is the easy way out to blame it on you and to be with somebody that does not know all the things he has done. He cannot accept himself - he prefers this 'illusion' - at least you got to know the real him even it was unpleasant. Now he has to keep up a pretense 24/7 - what a way to live!. And it can only go on for so long - as someone said to me - he's putting on a show and its going to close soon. That is not to say that you should sit around and wait for him - this is an opportunity for you to breath and just live - one day at a time, with NC it gets easier. When I was told on this board that another woman with my husband was a blessing in disguise for me - I was.... well outraged. But now him and the other woman have broken up and it gave me enough time to know that I actually could feel good, less anxious and even dare I say happy and peaceful and hopeful.

Since he broke up with the skank gf he has mellowed towards me and is now trying to talk to me (mostly about rubbish)- I cannot allow myself to go back there again and I 'm sorry to say after trying everything to get him to talk to me (including him calling the police to say I was harassing him by trying to talk to him the only time I went to see him).

- now I cannot really bear to speak to him after all that and have now started to completely ignore him. My self esteem is slowly improving and I don't mind if I am alone forever but I will NOT let someone treat me like that again.

I look forward to the day I go on a holiday and don't end up feeling ignored and hurt, to wake up in the morning excited about what the day will bring, to dancing to music and just really enjoying the vibe, to being with my two kids without his actions overshadowing the mood. I has not happened yet - but I feel - any day now.


You will get there - try not to worry. ((Hugs))
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