Trapped
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Trapped
Hi everyone, ive posted similar post on the february thread felt like i need to get all this out here aswell. Im 16 days sober.
I have two girls aged 2 and 4 with my ex, i have them every weekend and i love them to bits. She goes out drinking every weekend when i have them, which is her choice and i have no control of. Had a great weekend with them and took them back for yesterday afternoon as it was mothers day.
I had planned with ex to pick the eldest up this morning to take her to school, so got up 6.30 in time to get bus there, walked a mile up the hill to hers, when i got there she was still in bed and the kids were still in the clothes they had on when i dropped them off! I was there at the time arranged, i tried to stay calm and gave the kids breakfast and asked ex who was still in bed where the school uniforms were- to which she told me to F*** off and leave. I couldnt believe it! Didnt want to get into an argument with her so i respected her wishes kissed the kids goodbye and left.
It was only two weeks ago that i was verbally abused by her mother. I WANT to stop drinking but her and her family who she drinks with clearly dont. In the past i have been physically abused 3 times by members of her family and mentally abused by her. I drank to escape it all and numb the pain, and it spiralled. My family and friends do blame her and her family for my decent into alcoholism. What gets to me is that she seems to USE me when im sober for her own convenience and not to spend quality time with the kids, i feel like im being too soft and need to be more assertive but i dont want a row in front of the kids.
After i left i headed straight to an early serving pub and i was tempted to numb and stop all this confusion by drinking but had a coffee instead. I know through sober eyes that i have done the right thing by getting out of this destructive relationship, but i feel like she's still controlling me by using the kids. I love them dearly and could never move away and start again, like a lot of my mates have suggested- id miss them too much. I feel trapped and like there is nowhere out of this. Its hard enough trying to stay sober without all this to deal with.
HELP!
I have two girls aged 2 and 4 with my ex, i have them every weekend and i love them to bits. She goes out drinking every weekend when i have them, which is her choice and i have no control of. Had a great weekend with them and took them back for yesterday afternoon as it was mothers day.
I had planned with ex to pick the eldest up this morning to take her to school, so got up 6.30 in time to get bus there, walked a mile up the hill to hers, when i got there she was still in bed and the kids were still in the clothes they had on when i dropped them off! I was there at the time arranged, i tried to stay calm and gave the kids breakfast and asked ex who was still in bed where the school uniforms were- to which she told me to F*** off and leave. I couldnt believe it! Didnt want to get into an argument with her so i respected her wishes kissed the kids goodbye and left.
It was only two weeks ago that i was verbally abused by her mother. I WANT to stop drinking but her and her family who she drinks with clearly dont. In the past i have been physically abused 3 times by members of her family and mentally abused by her. I drank to escape it all and numb the pain, and it spiralled. My family and friends do blame her and her family for my decent into alcoholism. What gets to me is that she seems to USE me when im sober for her own convenience and not to spend quality time with the kids, i feel like im being too soft and need to be more assertive but i dont want a row in front of the kids.
After i left i headed straight to an early serving pub and i was tempted to numb and stop all this confusion by drinking but had a coffee instead. I know through sober eyes that i have done the right thing by getting out of this destructive relationship, but i feel like she's still controlling me by using the kids. I love them dearly and could never move away and start again, like a lot of my mates have suggested- id miss them too much. I feel trapped and like there is nowhere out of this. Its hard enough trying to stay sober without all this to deal with.
HELP!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
hi
can you see a solicitor and get proper access rights so it's not just when suits her?
stay sober for you and your children
If you don't think she is taking proper care of the children because of her drinking then that's a whole other matter.
can you see a solicitor and get proper access rights so it's not just when suits her?
stay sober for you and your children
If you don't think she is taking proper care of the children because of her drinking then that's a whole other matter.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Clinton, MT
Posts: 255
You are doing the right thing. Allowing yourself to sink down to their level by drinking would only make things worse.
Newly sober is tough enough without these problems....but it will be worth it down the road. Hang in there and keep doing the right thing.
Prayers your way.
All the best.
Newly sober is tough enough without these problems....but it will be worth it down the road. Hang in there and keep doing the right thing.
Prayers your way.
All the best.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Ouch!
My first wife was not a drunk, but she had plenty of other issues. She kicked me out, and made life miserable. I had to play nice with her because she had our son, and would use him against me if it suited her. About 2 years after kicking me out she reliquished custody of the boy to me.
So, my point is, keep your chin up. Happy endings happen!
My first wife was not a drunk, but she had plenty of other issues. She kicked me out, and made life miserable. I had to play nice with her because she had our son, and would use him against me if it suited her. About 2 years after kicking me out she reliquished custody of the boy to me.
So, my point is, keep your chin up. Happy endings happen!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I hope you stay sober and strong for yourself and your children. It sounds like they definitely need you. It might be a good idea to keep a record of incidents like that, as it could be helpful in the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Hi, thanks everyone for your responses, I feel a lot better now and calmer, i went to the gym to do some weights and let off steam. I rang my ex then to make sure the kids are ok and im glad to say they are. She apoligised for her behaviour this morning and even admitted that her drinking when she goes out is over the top and making her depressed when coming down. She also admits that she finds it hard to say no to her family when asked out drinking, but she says shes going to try and get back on track and stay in next weekend. Wish she could quit altogether but thats her choice.
ReadyAtLast-- She is a good mother to the kids, she never touches a drop of alcohol in their presence ,its just her attitude towards me after shes been out with her family.
Soooooo glad i havent drank on it and stayed sober, think by my actions she will respect me more as time goes on.
Thank you all again for helping me stay sober
ReadyAtLast-- She is a good mother to the kids, she never touches a drop of alcohol in their presence ,its just her attitude towards me after shes been out with her family.
Soooooo glad i havent drank on it and stayed sober, think by my actions she will respect me more as time goes on.
Thank you all again for helping me stay sober
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Spokane, WA
Posts: 90
I am new to sobriety myself and also recently divorced. I had to make up my mind that I would not let my ex rent space in my head and drink because of the stress she causes for me. I found that I have to put my sobriety first and not let her or anybody else interfere with my healing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I'm sure she loves your children very much. But finding them unfed and in the same clothes when they should be ready for school shows that she is struggling with taking care of them properly. Hopefully that is just a one time thing, but it is something about which you should be very concerned.
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