EGG

I think I am ready
I have a live-in boyfriend of 9 years. When we met, I had no idea he had a crack cocaine and marijuana addiction problem. When we met, he was not even drinking alcohol. As far as I knew, he was clean until his behavior started to change 2 years into our relationship. I went a whole year feeling crazy trying to get him to communicate with me. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea until one day I stumbled upon his powder cocaine in my house! He was hanging around people who were giving it to him and eventually, he also went back to crack...still a crackhead now..the pattern is that he does crack every 10 days or so. I have learned to live my own life...I stopped nagging..so basically, now we have separate lives. I have my hobbies, friends, work etc. He has his drug friends, work, etc. We have a home life together..for awhile I accepted that because we used to have so much in common...music, humor, way of thinking. But lately, I have been feeling like I am cut-off from him...he is not emotionally available or present in this relationship. There is nothing I can do to engage him. He will not leave my home voluntarily. I am going to have to get a court order according to the law in our State..have him served ...and then after 30 days!!! I can have him forcibly evicted. I don't know if I have the strength to be around him for 30 days! I just wish he would leave. I have told him I want him gone..but he thinks I am bluffing. I do love him deeply and he knows that. What he does not realize is that even though I still love him, I am seeing that it is not acceptable to me anymore, living like this..with a shell of a person...and since I cannot change him or ignite any kind of action for him to want to change...I think it is time for me to be rid of him. God help me! I know this is going to be so extremely painful. I want to be sure I am 100% ready to do this before I open of that can of worms. But I am probably about 90% at this point. I keep hoping but I see now that I am fooling myself. He goes to a therapist once a week and for awhile it helped with our communication..but he is still doing crack every 10 days and he has to have pot every single day. My heart is sick, realizing what I should do. The back and forth trying to decide is killing me. I guess I am on the edge waiting for a good reason to jump...proof? that it is time? to end it once and for all? No contact time? I am afraid I don't have what it takes to get through this. Thanks for listening. Your responses are welcome..that is why I posted this for some feedback.

shinebright7

EGG you have a good head on your shoulders and I know it totally sucks right now. You are seeing that things are limited in terms of him because he's going to keep doing what he's doing. So that leaves it to what can you do for yourself!?

Coming here and posting was awesome. Good job! Next I'd suggest looking for an Al Anon meeting in your area. They are support groups fro those of us who love addicts. I started going 3 weeks ago when I realized my husband of 8 months was an addict. OMG did my world come crashing down! It was a nightmare.

Al Anon is helping me see what I can do for ME -- because certainly we can not control our addicts...and trying to do so just makes us crazy and sick. Yuck.

You've reached a point and are getting closer and closer to where you see you have to do something because your life is not what you want right now. As they say in step 1: We admit that we are powerless over alcohol (addiction) and that our lives have become unmanageable.

UNMANAGEABLE. Ugh. That was me alright.

So you're in the right spot, EGG. There will be many other who can share with you after me. This forum is full of SUCH great advice and support. Hang in there! xo

EGG

Thanks Shinebright7 for your response. I once went to an AlAnon meeting but felt there were specific issues in dealing with a narcotic substance abuser that I did not feel were addressed in the Alcoholics meeting, even though many things were similar. It was confusing to substitute "addict" for "alcoholic" while listening. I checked for a local Naranon meeting and there are none here where I live..Santa Fe, NM..I am surprised about that. Maybe I am not checking the right place for resources. This forum is helping quite a bit..I am so glad I found it.

shinebright7

Yeah, I too have had to listen around the alcoholic term because that is not my husband's main issue either. He gets into pills. And sometimes mixes with alcohol. You could try another Al Anon meeting to see how it goes - they are all slightly different but based on the same principles obviously. Either way, I'm glad you're getting a lot from the forum. I definitely am too.

EGG

I kept asking my live-in ABF to leave voluntarily so I would not have to evict him through the court system. FINALLY, he agreed. That is one step closer...whether he will actually go is another story entirely. But the fact that this is the first time he has not directly fought me on it, is at least different. I am going about my business one step in front of the other...bracing myself as best I can to keep my focus and not give in to feeling sorry for him. That pull towards embracing him, loving him, forgiving him wants to suck me under. I keep reading posts on this website to remind me that my love cannot change him or help him. The best thing I can do now, is let him go so that I can live my own life. I am walking on ice...but I am walking....and praying.

EverHopeful721

I so feel for you, EGG, but I also admire you. You are doing so great in just admitting to yourself that you cannot live like this anymore and trying to figure out how to take that next step. I'm glad that he finally agreed to leave and I hope he follows through. But if he doesn't, I know you will find the strength and courage to do what YOU have to do to reclaim your life - you're already halfway there! And as hard and painful as it will be when he eventually leaves (either on his own or due to steps you're forced to take), I think you are going to feel such RELIEF that you don't have to live with the irrational and hurtful actions of an addict anymore. Then you can heal and find happiness again. Stay strong, EGG.

laurie6781

(((((EGG)))))

Give the NA number in the phone book a call, I am sure they will have the number for Naranon in your area or will give you a list of those they know.

I know there are some meetings up there, as I have attended some on my 'rare' trips North to ABQ and/or Santa Fe. I like it better down here in Las Cruces (much much warmer in the winter, roflmao and if it gets too hot in summer I just go up to Cloudcroft which is only a 2 hour drive).

I am sending you a PM.

Love and hugs,

EGG

Thank you for your responses..and your stories..I am looking at your history of posts and it is helping me come to terms with myself.

EverHopeful you are so right...I am here to convince myself of what I need to do. Facing it is like hitting a brick wall head on.

laurie..you are very kind..thank you so much for your offer of support..I am not ready to talk to anyone..afraid I might talk myself OUT of it..I am walking on ice, gently...facing the fear one little step at a time..if I talk too much, I end up scaring myself. I did find a Naranon meeting in Albuquerque that I am planning to attend on Monday. It is an hour drive..but I could use the time to reflect. Monday is the only day I have at home with the BF..I used to make sure I kept that evening open for him. This will be a perfect change in the right direction in more ways than one.