Just need to vent...
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Just need to vent...
So I just wanted to vent about this before I finally let it go... As I mentioned a few days ago, my addict made an appt with my brother for a tattoo a couple days before dumping me. Long story short, he made it clear to my brother the day before his appt that he absolutely had EVERY intention of showing up for his appt, was actually EXCITEDLY looking forward to it, as if he had done NOTHING wrong.
So my brother ended up sending him a text the day of his appt, basically saying:
'So let me get this straight. You get involved with my sister for over a year, come in my shop last week to make an appt for your tattoo, then proceed to dump my sister by TEXT a few days later and you honestly think I'm going to be willing to do your tattoo and not be upset?? Is THAT really what you're thinking??'
His response: 'Ummm....I told her in the beginning that I wasn't serious???'
To which I wish my brother had responded something along the lines of, yeah, you said that in the BEGINNING....what about all the bullsh*t lies you told her between now and then?? But instead, he responded: 'Well, you lost a good girl, you lost three good friends (my brothers & me), you lost a tattoo artist and I lost all respect for you.'
To which he responded: 'Well, that's fine, because I have no respect for people who can't handle adult situations in a mature way, so whatever...'
Ummmm....really?? How mature was it for him to break it off after 16 months by a text message out of left field, to someone he had professed numerous times about being lifelong FRIENDS with and not wanting to hurt her?? It just irritates me that he's probably sitting over there thinking, she's such a b*tch, she went crying to her brothers even though she said she wouldn't. (Sorry, but when your brother shows up and you're crying hysterically because you just got dumped, it's kind of hard to lie about what happened!!) But it bothers me because HE'S thinking bad about ME (well, if he's thinking about me at all, which he probably isn't...) and I just hate it, I feel like he's got something over me, even though HE'S the one who handled this so poorly and coldly. My family and I all agree - it wasn't so much that he broke it off (even though that still would have hurt me deeply), it was the WAY in which he did it. He could have done it in a much more respectful way, but instead did it in a way that said f*ck you to me and my whole family.
And I know, I know....he was never committed to me and he's an addict, so there's no rhyme, reason, remorse, empathy, compassion or conscience to what he did. I just had to vent about it and get it out. Thanks for listening.
So my brother ended up sending him a text the day of his appt, basically saying:
'So let me get this straight. You get involved with my sister for over a year, come in my shop last week to make an appt for your tattoo, then proceed to dump my sister by TEXT a few days later and you honestly think I'm going to be willing to do your tattoo and not be upset?? Is THAT really what you're thinking??'
His response: 'Ummm....I told her in the beginning that I wasn't serious???'
To which I wish my brother had responded something along the lines of, yeah, you said that in the BEGINNING....what about all the bullsh*t lies you told her between now and then?? But instead, he responded: 'Well, you lost a good girl, you lost three good friends (my brothers & me), you lost a tattoo artist and I lost all respect for you.'
To which he responded: 'Well, that's fine, because I have no respect for people who can't handle adult situations in a mature way, so whatever...'
Ummmm....really?? How mature was it for him to break it off after 16 months by a text message out of left field, to someone he had professed numerous times about being lifelong FRIENDS with and not wanting to hurt her?? It just irritates me that he's probably sitting over there thinking, she's such a b*tch, she went crying to her brothers even though she said she wouldn't. (Sorry, but when your brother shows up and you're crying hysterically because you just got dumped, it's kind of hard to lie about what happened!!) But it bothers me because HE'S thinking bad about ME (well, if he's thinking about me at all, which he probably isn't...) and I just hate it, I feel like he's got something over me, even though HE'S the one who handled this so poorly and coldly. My family and I all agree - it wasn't so much that he broke it off (even though that still would have hurt me deeply), it was the WAY in which he did it. He could have done it in a much more respectful way, but instead did it in a way that said f*ck you to me and my whole family.
And I know, I know....he was never committed to me and he's an addict, so there's no rhyme, reason, remorse, empathy, compassion or conscience to what he did. I just had to vent about it and get it out. Thanks for listening.
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Thank you, pianogirl. Yes, it's frustrating and hurtful to find out that you were just disposable to someone who said they loved you, that as soon as they didn't need/want you anymore, they can just toss you aside like a used tissue. Maybe I just have trouble wrapping my head around it because I'd never use or lie to somebody like that and I just don't understand how other people do it like it's second nature. But again, I'm realizing very quickly that it's also the nature of an addict.
Thank you, neferkamichael. I know that someday (hopefully in the not too distant future) I will realize that I am so much better off without him and I will be able to look back and see it for what it was without it being like a knife through my heart every time.
Thank you, neferkamichael. I know that someday (hopefully in the not too distant future) I will realize that I am so much better off without him and I will be able to look back and see it for what it was without it being like a knife through my heart every time.
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But it bothers me because HE'S thinking bad about ME
I remember the all consuming pain that breakups caused in my past.....it feels terrible. Particularly when someone does it in a manner that is easy for them and hard on the recipient.
He broke up by text because he didn't have the courage to do it face to face. He didn't have the courage to see the hurt on your face. Back in the day, people broke up over the telephone because there was no texting.....and they did it that way for the same reason.....they didn't have the courage to do it F2F. But they still had to have the courage to hear the pain in the other person's voice. The only other way to do it was via a letter. That was the equivalent of texting in pre-texting days.
There is no easy way to be broken up with and there is no perfect way to break the news to someone if you're the one initiating the breakup. Someone is going to get hurt badly. And it feels bad for both people.
I know that this doesn't ease your pain.....and I am truly sorry that your heart is hurting. The only thing that will heal that pain is time......however much it takes.....but you can begin to focus on you and less on him. It will speed your recovery and eventually your heart will be open to a new man who (hopefully) will cherish the person you are.
You deserve a healthy partner who will love you and handle your heart with care.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thank you, KE. I know you're right, but yes, it's hard to accept right now.
Even harder because I just found out that he has texted my brother three times already this morning trying to excuse what he did, saying this is eating away at him, that my brother must obviously be 'misinformed' about what happened, how could my brother, who he has looked up to his whole life, turn his back on him, why is he being ostracized, that he knows he's not an angel, but he's not a f*ckin scumbag, either.
My brother has continued to ignore all of his texts, but my brother said to me, see, he's playing the victim card again, like he has NO idea why this is happening. And my brother said, I never called him a scumbag. And I said, no you didn't, but that's how he feels about HIMSELF, that's why he said that. He'd always say similar stuff to me when he was acting badly towards me, saying, I'm a c*cksucker, I'm a d*ck, I'm an a$$hole, may I burn in hell, if you want to hate my f*cking guts for the rest of my life, then go ahead. And I'd always say to him, baby, I'm not saying that at ALL - YOU'RE calling yourself those names, saying those things about yourself. But now I see it's because he knew how he was treating me was wrong, so he figures if he throws it out there FIRST, then it's like it somehow excuses his behavior. And it's easier to make excuses than to actually change his behavior and accept responsibility for his actions.
And again, what is the overall theme here?? That it bothers him MORE about my brothers turning their backs on him and him being able to get a "break" on his tattoos than it does about how he treated me and how much pain I'm in!! I knew that's how it would be, that he would care more about losing friends than losing a good girl who loved him and cared about him, but it still stings to have it confirmed. And even if he were, by some miracle, to call/text me to apologize and break up with me the 'right' way, how could I even believe that he's sincere and not just out to smooth things over with me so I'll then smooth things over with my brothers and he can still get his tattoos done??
*sigh* I'm just really not sure how I feel about this whole thing right now or how to process it.
Even harder because I just found out that he has texted my brother three times already this morning trying to excuse what he did, saying this is eating away at him, that my brother must obviously be 'misinformed' about what happened, how could my brother, who he has looked up to his whole life, turn his back on him, why is he being ostracized, that he knows he's not an angel, but he's not a f*ckin scumbag, either.
My brother has continued to ignore all of his texts, but my brother said to me, see, he's playing the victim card again, like he has NO idea why this is happening. And my brother said, I never called him a scumbag. And I said, no you didn't, but that's how he feels about HIMSELF, that's why he said that. He'd always say similar stuff to me when he was acting badly towards me, saying, I'm a c*cksucker, I'm a d*ck, I'm an a$$hole, may I burn in hell, if you want to hate my f*cking guts for the rest of my life, then go ahead. And I'd always say to him, baby, I'm not saying that at ALL - YOU'RE calling yourself those names, saying those things about yourself. But now I see it's because he knew how he was treating me was wrong, so he figures if he throws it out there FIRST, then it's like it somehow excuses his behavior. And it's easier to make excuses than to actually change his behavior and accept responsibility for his actions.
And again, what is the overall theme here?? That it bothers him MORE about my brothers turning their backs on him and him being able to get a "break" on his tattoos than it does about how he treated me and how much pain I'm in!! I knew that's how it would be, that he would care more about losing friends than losing a good girl who loved him and cared about him, but it still stings to have it confirmed. And even if he were, by some miracle, to call/text me to apologize and break up with me the 'right' way, how could I even believe that he's sincere and not just out to smooth things over with me so I'll then smooth things over with my brothers and he can still get his tattoos done??
*sigh* I'm just really not sure how I feel about this whole thing right now or how to process it.
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And the worst part about it is, I'm sitting here at work, tears in my eyes and my heart twisting in pain, because I feel like I betrayed HIM!!! I'm sitting here telling myself that he's never caught a break his entire life, and here I am, causing yet another hurtful situation for him to have to deal with, that I'm adding to his suffering. I told him I would wait for him and I'd always be there for him and now I stabbed him in the back by telling my brothers what happened.....I feel just AWFUL and SO guilty. And I know it's just my codie issues kicking in (after all, that's why I'm even IN this situation), but I just can't help it. My heart is aching for him, even though my mind is telling me he doesn't deserve my tears. He always told me how when his last girlfriend just dumped him and left after his parents died, that he never got closure with her and closure's really important to him. But he didn't care about ME getting closure with HIM, never gave me a chance to confront him and say but what about when you said this, how could you lie to me and use me like that, never gave me a chance to scream and cry at him....and I know it's because of what KindEyes said - he didn't have the courage to look into my eyes and see all the PAIN that he caused me. But as I'm sitting here trying not to absolutely lose it, tears now rolling down my cheeks, can someone please tell me WHAT I'm supposed to do about it now and WHERE to go from here....?? Because I feel like I got this huge ball of excruciating pain dropped in my lap and all I know how to do right now is HOLD ONTO IT for dear life, even though I know it will be the end of me if I don't find a way to just LET IT GO.... 
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right now you are projecting your OWN feelings ON to him....cuz that's what you've always done right? feel others feelings FOR them? i say this gently and please hear me out...but the ONLY Person you betrayed was yourself. by not putting yourself FIRST, by not having (or knowing HOW to have) good healthy boundaries, by sacrificing your self-respect as a bargaining tool to try and get someone to love you.
the love you seek is within you, dear. that validation, that assurance of okness....you need to slowly crawl back into your own skin, reconnect with your own self, feel what YOU feel and let others do the same.
and you have five minutes! ok, kidding...it's a process, a journey into self.
the love you seek is within you, dear. that validation, that assurance of okness....you need to slowly crawl back into your own skin, reconnect with your own self, feel what YOU feel and let others do the same.
and you have five minutes! ok, kidding...it's a process, a journey into self.
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I've had some time to think and calm down over lunch, and I realize that you are exactly right, AHII. Yes, I now realize that I HAVE always projected my feelings onto others, felt their feelings FOR them, without even knowing if that's what they were even really feeling. It's hard to swallow that at 37 years old and even after 11 years of marriage, I know nothing about how to have a healthy relationship. Of course, my XH was only TOO willing to let me do EVERYTHING for him and ate up my codie issues with a spoon and a smile. In fact, I'm convinced that one of the biggest reasons he didn't want me to divorce him was because he didn't want his happy little life to change at all. He LIKED the way it was and didn't want to have to learn to do things for himself and stand on his own two feet. He still calls me occasionally for the most ridiculous things that he just cannot figure out for himself, because I always did it for him, took care of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, major decisions, etc. So I thought I was going totally opposite with this one, a tough, strong, man (definitely more of a 'bad boy') who never wanted anything from me - not my help, not food, not money, he just wanted me for sex, someone to listen to his problems and to boost his ego up when he needed to feel loved. But he never worried about what I wanted or needed...so he obviously wasn't the right choice, either
Thank you again, AHII, for all your kind words of encouragement and support. I know you're right, but honestly, the thought of having to work on myself and face what it was that made me this way....it scares the sh*t out of me.
And thank you for making me chuckle through my tears.
Thank you again, AHII, for all your kind words of encouragement and support. I know you're right, but honestly, the thought of having to work on myself and face what it was that made me this way....it scares the sh*t out of me.
And thank you for making me chuckle through my tears.
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Originally Posted by EverHopeful721 
It's hard to swallow that at 37 years old and even after 11 years of marriage, I know nothing about how to have a healthy relationship.
I'm 40 and learning, too.
You are so fortunate to have those brothers! They sound like stand up guys that love you immensely. Let them be your bellwether going forward. I suspect they will tell you exactly who is good enough for you. I love the message your bro sent to your ex about what he lost.
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It's hard to swallow that at 37 years old and even after 11 years of marriage, I know nothing about how to have a healthy relationship.
but you now know a lot about what does not belong IN a healthy relationship! process of elimination. isn't that how Goldilocks did it?
too hot, too cold, just right.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it
-George Santayana
but you now know a lot about what does not belong IN a healthy relationship! process of elimination. isn't that how Goldilocks did it?
too hot, too cold, just right.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it
-George Santayana
Restoring myself to sanity
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38 years old here and I have NEVER had a healthy relationship with a man.. Something is seriously wrong with me and it's time I started asking myself some hard questions and doing some deep work on ME...
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Well, Hanna and jerect, looks like we're all in the same boat, so we can learn together! And I agree, jerect, I've found myself thinking a lot lately that there's seriously something wrong with me, too, and I can't continue like this. If I get involved in another one of these relationships without, as AHII said, learning how to establish healthy boundaries or ANY boundaries, it will be even worse. 
Hanna, yes my brothers do love me very much, and I'm lucky to have them. There is a bit of an issue with one of them, the one who was best friends with this guy growing up....not that he doesn't care, but as I explained in my other thread, his words have had a bit of a 'bite' to them sometimes. He keeps saying how foolish I was to listen to this guy's words and ignore his actions, that I basically gave myself over to him to use as he wished. And I'm not denying that. But that brother won't listen to my reasons for getting myself in this situation, like he feels I have no good excuse. It's a complicated issue, goes back to when we were kids and in all honesty, I feel contributes a bit as to why I have such low self-esteem. But that's another story, probably for a therapist. Overall, he does love me and is trying his best to support me, but I think in a way, it also bothers him that he lost a friend over this (even though they haven't been close for years) and he feels bad that I got hurt. And I know if it ever came down to it, without a doubt, both of my brothers would have my back and would do anything to protect me. And yes, the message that the other one, the tattoo artist, sent to my addict was great.
And yes, Hanna and AHII, you are both right. Now that I'm aware of the problem and have learned what does NOT belong in a healthy relationship, I can work on myself so when the right guy comes along, I will (hopefully) be ready to have a healthy relationship for the first time in my life!
And I agree, jerect, I've found myself thinking a lot lately that there's seriously something wrong with me, too, and I can't continue like this. If I get involved in another one of these relationships without, as AHII said, learning how to establish healthy boundaries or ANY boundaries, it will be even worse. 
Hanna, yes my brothers do love me very much, and I'm lucky to have them. There is a bit of an issue with one of them, the one who was best friends with this guy growing up....not that he doesn't care, but as I explained in my other thread, his words have had a bit of a 'bite' to them sometimes. He keeps saying how foolish I was to listen to this guy's words and ignore his actions, that I basically gave myself over to him to use as he wished. And I'm not denying that. But that brother won't listen to my reasons for getting myself in this situation, like he feels I have no good excuse. It's a complicated issue, goes back to when we were kids and in all honesty, I feel contributes a bit as to why I have such low self-esteem. But that's another story, probably for a therapist. Overall, he does love me and is trying his best to support me, but I think in a way, it also bothers him that he lost a friend over this (even though they haven't been close for years) and he feels bad that I got hurt. And I know if it ever came down to it, without a doubt, both of my brothers would have my back and would do anything to protect me. And yes, the message that the other one, the tattoo artist, sent to my addict was great.
And yes, Hanna and AHII, you are both right. Now that I'm aware of the problem and have learned what does NOT belong in a healthy relationship, I can work on myself so when the right guy comes along, I will (hopefully) be ready to have a healthy relationship for the first time in my life!
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I'm going to stay out of relationships for awhile... This is the longest I've gone in over 20 years without being in some kind of relationship and it feels GREAT.. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of self discovery before I even think about dating someone again.. I'm ok being "alone".. My life is sooooo busy that I have just enough time to eat, sleep and go to the gym...taking care of me right now is my number one priority
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You're an inspiration to me, jerect. I've really never been out of a relationship in my entire adult life. I met my XH when I was 16, and I was with him for 19 years, and no sooner did we separate, I got involved with a guy who I thought was the worst (until this latest experience), for 6 months and then a month later I got involved with this latest guy for 16 months and now here I am....more damaged and confused than I've ever been. Right now, I'm still terrified to be 'alone,' and afraid I will be for the rest of my life. But I'm sure that will change once I start working on me. I joined a gym last week (but have yet to go, lol). Funny thing is, when I decided to get divorced, I was SO strong and felt SO empowered and I even said, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones." I've gotta find that strong woman again....I think she's still here, she's just hiding.
Right now, I'm still terrified to be 'alone,' and afraid I will be for the rest of my life. But I'm sure that will change once I start working on me. I joined a gym last week (but have yet to go, lol). Funny thing is, when I decided to get divorced, I was SO strong and felt SO empowered and I even said, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones." I've gotta find that strong woman again....I think she's still here, she's just hiding.
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