Midlifecrisis

I'm in tears. I don't think I can do it. Before I could just get away with getting a script whenever and he didnt pay much attention but he says I'm only to have 30mg a day and if I run out I run out.

I don't think I'm ready.

trachemys

I know you can do it. I know you're ready. I know you have strength and resolve greater than your addiction.

Believe in yourself. I do.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks


I feel scared ill go back to drinking to deal Witt the cravings. Or opiates just to feel something/nothing.

Obladi

Midlife, did you tell your doctor what's been going on with you?

Midlifecrisis

Yes

trachemys

You know in your heart of hearts that you should be more scared of going back to drinking and drugs.

Go back to cookies. I got some great chewy molasses cookies today.

Go back to spicy food. A little Tabasco gets your body to release feel-good hormones.

Go back to exercise. Endorphins are the bodies feel good solution.

Go back to good.

Midlifecrisis

I already exercise, always have . Food scares me but I could drink Tabasco ha.

trachemys

That's better.

Obladi

Well, then. I know you can do this because you must want it - why else would you have told your doctor, right?

I don't know about you, but my fear of picking up again is really a wish that I could. Which then translates into action, which I then explain to myself by saying, "I was afraid I was going to do this!" (Like... I made a sef-fulfilling prophecy, so I was right, and therefore it's ok? Is this making sense to you?)

Or is it that you are afraid you won't be able to handle the feelings of discomfort when you are not using/drinking? I think you can. Look at all of the discomfort you've been dealing with while you are using. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to live through what we deal with every day.

I'm talking to myself here as much as I am to you...
I should be afraid because I keep stumbling, but I refuse to let fear in because I know where that leads for me.

Midlifecrisis

Yep it makes sense. The things I'm afraid of are:

Facing my feelings
My Ed coming back in full force
Suicidal feelings coming back
Never being wasted/having fun again

Obladi

I understand.
At least I think I do.

It's all in #1, right?
I've been there, in my feelings, dominated by my feelings, afraid of my feelings.

It was only when I came to really understand that I am not my thoughts (and in fact, sometimes my thoughts are total lies) that I started to see a glimmer of hope.

For example, does wasted = fun to you, for real?
I'm sure it used to, but it sure doesn't seem to be like that anymore.

ReadyAtLast

I think you should see this,not as a bad thing, but as a good thing MLC. If your doc just keeps prescribing,you keep taking and repeat. Nothing will change until you just die from overuse/misuse/mixing etc.

You've said you want to taper/quit and this is the first step.you CAN do it. Rather than just saying you'll drink or take other drugs maybe really throw yourself and all your energy into getting through tapering and getting into rehab,if that's what you want.If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your kids who need you alive,well and functioning. wishing you all the best

Dee74

I believe you can do it too MLC.

Everyone stands where you are and everyone is scared to jump...there's always a million reasons not to....

We worry things might get worse without our security blanket - but you have support behind you, and you know what to do & who to call, if you find yourself in trouble.

The thing is, if we don't change, things will get worse...& thats a guarantee.

D

Midlifecrisis

I know it a

Good thing but I'm so ad nd scared. Thanks gis

ReadyAtLast

It's natural to be scared MLC but being trapped in the cycle you're currently in and what might happen if you carry on is even more scary. It will get better, it can only get better. Don't be sad, you've got a whole lot of things to look forward to, a great life for you and your family once the drugs and booze have gone. you can do this MLC -believe in yourself.

AnvilheadII

Never being wasted/having fun again

is this really FUN? i don't think so.

you COULD take the approach that perhaps for the first time ever you are really going to start living life on life's terms, and experiencing the full range of human emotion, and being free of all the nasty demons. that actually sounds like a pretty cool adventure!!!

Midlifecrisis

Cool/terrifying adventure. Life on life's terms is how it's supposed to be. Why is it so damn scary?

fini

because you can't control it all.

RocketQueen

At what point can you say "Yes! I'm ready!"? Tomorrow? Next week? 3 years down the track? Sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith.

Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's both physically and emotionally painful.

Seems to me like you're mentally stuck between a rock and a hard place. "Damned if I do, damned if I don't" so to speak, but perhaps you would like to contemplate this question: Which is the lesser of the two evils?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again and again: You absolutely can not effectively treat your anxiety/depression/eating disorder/etc while you're popping benzos like skittles. It's counter-effective and simply does. not. work.

If you're looking for an easy way out (and lets face it, most addicts have this mentality), I hate to tell you hon, there isn't one.

Take advantage of every single resource you have available to you. Your doctor, your counsellor, your husband, your church, SR, and even your kids. Keep a journal. Vent when you feel you need to.

You know what I tell my 2 year old daughter when I ask her to do something out of her comfort zone and I get the "I'm too scared" response? (and I say this respectfully, of course):


Because, unless you do exactly that, things are NEVER going to get any better. Only worse.

RQ

Midlifecrisis

Lol, suck it up princess. Describes me perfectly. And my 8 year old son at the moment lol, grrr but that's for another forum haha.

Thanks