littlelambie

Hello,
Im 27 years old. I am an only child. My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up. He wasn't physically abusive, but emotionally abusive to me and my mom. Just going from very kind, to stabbing you in the gut with mean words or just horrible mood swings. He didn't have much to do with me when I was a kid. My parents were always arguing and I was always begging my mom to divorce my dad. The stress in the household was tension 24/7. I suffered from chronic stomach problems and anxiety. My dad had his good moments where he would support me for a short time, but then go straight back to being unstable.

Now I am 27 years old. My father does not drink any more and seems to be a better person than I remember. My parents are divorced yet they are still together, living separately at the moment. I see my mom all the time and often times she is spending time with my dad and invites me to go places, the 3 of us. I just can't. My mom and dad still fight constantly and after all we went through when I was a kid from my dad's abusive behavior, I can't support her decision to be with him.

My dad desperately wants a relationship with me (and this is the part where I am getting tears in my eyes writing this) I just can't do it. He treats me strangely when we are together, like I am not his daughter but a person he must impress. He almost grovels for my attention and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. Not natural like a father daughter would be around each other. It makes me feel sick to my stomach because I can't help but feel the way I do about him.

I just don't care about my dad the way a normal person should. I can't, he is too unstable for me to form a solid relationship with. I have tried in the past, but my dad is a manipulator and I feel like he just sucks the energy from me. I don't think he means to, but he is just such an emotionally unhealthy person. He came from a very rough upbringing and he is the product of it. I get close to my dad and he is nice to me, until he doesn't want to be anymore and then cuts me down hard.

I don't mean to be cruel but the GUILT I feel not being able to give him what he wants from me, KILLS me everyday. It turns my stomach that I cannot love him. On top of all of this, he is sick and has diabetes. My mom always guilts me by saying that I better get my relationship figured out with my dad just in case he doesn't have much time to live. How do you look at yourself i the mirror and say you don't really love your own dad? I hate myself for it.

I feel like my dad is a stranger and I wish I didn't feel that way. I'm a very loving person who would do anything for her family. What do I do? Do any of you feel like a stranger to your parents? or a parent who raised you? Do you hate yourself for not being able to love them?

I want to love my dad but there is a hesitance I can't get past. I think it has something to do with our relationship while I was growing up. Its like a huge lump in my gut that I feel every time I see him.

I have told him about all of this, we have talked about how I feel. I tried to break it down for him the best I could. He said he was sorry and then continued to be emotionally abusive. One other time I talked to him, he told me that I didn't have it nearly as bad as he did when he was a kid and that I was a spoiled brat and a bitch.

I don't think he is emotionally equipped to talking this through with me. Now I have to take care of my own emotions and I don't know what to do.

Please help!!!

chicory

(((littlelambie))) You are in a good place, to find understanding, and to hear about the things others have gone through, with an alcoholic parent. so many who feel much as you do. It is very understandable, why you feel as you do.

You would not feel this way, unless there was a good reason. Being abandoned emotionally by a parent causes a wall, a rift, and it is hard to just feel all better just because they dont drink anymore or because they want to be the parent they could not be.

I had two alcoholic parents. My dad left when I was young, and we kids begged our mom to divorce him too. Stress, fighting, depression reigned in our home. so things seemed better, then she began to drink and became a full blown alcoholic. It caused all of us kids to be angry, to not want to be close, and to resent it when she did want to eventually. She never admitted to us that she had hurt us, and that bothered me a lot.

alcoholics are very sick people, it is a disease that kills, and that keeps destroying even after the drinker stops, unless the person gets help, the family gets counselling, to heal from the pain, and to stop the unhealthy behaviors that the whole family seems to have, due to living with an alcoholic.

al-anon is an amazing group too. if you have a meeting nearby, you will find so many others who relate, and who wills support and care for you, as you learn to take care of yourself.

When I learned all of the ways that alcohol had affected me, I was almost relieved, because I had just thought I was crazy. INstead, I learned that alcoholism makes the whole family sick, but they can recover.

we support you , in feeling your feelings, and in taking care of yourself. Your dad cannot make up in a short time for the hurts caused you. I hope he might consider getting counselling. is he in AA? it would help everyone concerned if he did, but you can take care of yourself, no matter if he does not .

REad the stickies here, learn about how you can take care of yourself, and find peace and find your joy that you are meant to have. none of this was your fault, you did not cause him to drink you cannot cure it and you could not control it. but you can do for you. Melody Beatty wrote a great book 'Codependent No More", and it is a wonderful comforting book. all about finding ourselves, and our joy. and how to not let others steal our happiness.

I wish you the best and hope you stick around. there is so much you can do.

hugs
chicory

BadCompany

I am dealing with a very similar situation. For me it wasn't any anger over past harms, it was this, my father continues to be a harmful person. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, his, his parents whatever. He continues to bring drama and harm to those around him and to place myself around him is to give him license to harm me.

Now to be truthful I am pretty numb to his antics. I have long accepted that this is who he is and it is only a statement on the person he is, nothing more. The problem is, the last time he acted up, my wife was directly harmed by the fall out. If my father were to change, fine. I'm there. Until then he has to stay away, and I stay away from him.

tromboneliness

I don't have any advice, but you're not alone. My relationship with my Dad was highly ambivalent for 47 years, until he died in 2010. What's more, the low point of our relationship was the last year and a half or so, after my mother died. As the regulars around here know, from my periodic diatribes about him, I've struggled with it a lot -- and am still struggling with it now that he's gone.

I guess the way I look at it is that love and respect have to be earned -- they're not granted automatically just because of DNA. I have good and bad memories of my father -- always will, I think. I'm still not sure whether I like him or not!

T

Kialua

Welcome. Yes this is the right place for you, we understand. My Dad was the alcoholic and abusive physically as well as verbally. My parents didn't fight, that's what they had us for!

But one thing I learned was that the alcoholic stops developing emotionally at the time he begins to drink, so the maturity is never there. Their needs are all they can think of, drunk or sober. You are reaping the results of his immaturity. He needs this relationship with his offspring, but doesn't have the maturity to go about it correctly. And probably never will have the maturity to match you.

So what do you do. This might sound harsh, but I found thinking of him as a naughty child, or immature teenager, might help. Someone you love whether they deserve it or not. Someone you love, but don't really like very much right now at this moment in time. Not someone you would pick out of a crowd to befriend, but someone who you do love nonetheless.

Now that love may manifest itself in ways that are strange to others that are not dealing with a lifetime of alcoholic abuse. Emotional detachment, not ever expecting them to do the right thing, and furthermore, not even caring if they ever do. Find your emotional fulfillment in other people that can return your love correctly.

Sometimes this love may include going no contact for a while depending on the severity of your emotional suffering. If you do go no contact, include some therapy to get to the emotional detachement.

And the hardest thing to do includes exploring undeserved forgiveness. Again with no expectations of fixing everything.

There are many tips and helps in the stickies above each of these coping mechanisms. And do continue to post if it helps. Good luck.

DavidG

Hi LL...

My name is David, proud ACA. I am old now... have been in Alanon for 30 years. I am still looking for guidance and direction. Thankfully I am still learning, and growing. I read your share with deep interest.

The part I related to most was the stomach pain. I had that too. It was terrible.
I was caught up in conflict between my mother and grandmother. The grandmother was my father's mother. I think she was trying to fix everything.

My father became the alcoholic. One day it was like this. It was as if the pain in my tummy packed its bags and moved to my head. At age 14 I became a chronic migraine sufferer. Trying to beat off the pain is what lead my to 12 step recovery.

At the moment I am working through the ACA yellow workbook. I am doing this with a buddy. My experience left me to isolate a lot. This is not healthy.

Meeting with people like myself is healthy. I have been married for 30 years, and things are finally coming right. We have three kids and grandkids.

Thanks for coming along and sharing your ESH..

DavidG.

littlelambie

You don't know how much better I feel reading your posts. I have felt very alone in my feelings and have not yet reached out until now. I try and avoid the conflict I have with my dad, both in my own heart and I rarely ever mention it to other people. I feel like it may be time for me to make a giant effort to try and rehabilitate myself. I feel like I can do it with the help of this website and all of your support.

I want to tell you how much it means to me that you have taken the time to reply to my post. I know that it isn't always convenient to lend a helping hand but I want to assure you, your kindness has helped me and there should be more kind people like you guys in the world.

Im happy I found this place. Thank you

Kialua

It's amazing when after all those years of coping alone someone comes along and understands isn't it? This is a great forum. I hope you use it to it's maximun benefit. We are here if you need to talk.

chicory

You are so welcome (((Littlelambie))) I am glad that you are here(((Hugs)))

I remember when I first talked to another adult child of an alcoholic, it was like all of a sudden I found my voice! I also found these people to be some of the most thoughtful, caring, and loving people ever. It is like they know the hearts desires, its hurts and they want to help others find their joy in life.

They gave me back self respect, through letting me know that I wasn't crazy, and that it was very normal for me to act some ways that others did not understand.

Be kind to yourself. you would not choose to feel this way, but it is a normal reaction to the disappointments, the hurts, and you build a wall, so you can't be hurt by those who should never hurt you, namely, your parents.

It makes you feel guilty to not want to show love to a parent, until you realize that you are the victim here, not them. it gets better, with understanding how it affects the family. I liked Kialua's suggestions of how to think about your parent , like a child in many ways.

have a good evening, and rest well. you have friends here!

BuzzL

I never really forgave my dad for the misery his alcoholism inflicted on me. The net result was that when I was 27 he suddenly died. We had be estranged for the last 9 years of his life. I say this only as background so you know where I'm coming from.

My only advice would be to put your needs ahead of his. Do what you need to do the make things right for you. You're young and have many wonderful years ahead of you. If at some point you want to have him back in your life make that your free decision and not because of guilt.

For what it's worth I've forgiven my dad and made peace with my memories of him. At the same time I decide who is and isn't in my life and no one else.

Reedling

I don't think I would care to speak with anyone who called me a spoiled brat and a bitch. I think it is not your hesitance you can't get past, but the reality.

Luci

From what I have been able to read from ACA literature and Alice Miller, the idea of honoring you father and mother is ingrained in our cultures on this planet. It is also expected that "honoring" your mother and father is also not speaking the truth of your feelings about what has and is happening to you.

From what I have been able to glean from your writing, it is your mother and father who want this relationship, not you. And you feel obligated to relate because you wish to "honor" your parents.

I am quoting the Bill of Rights from ACA,

10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.

Peace be with you.

ETA: Your father is also minimizing his affect on you by saying that others had it worse than you, and this, in turn, will lead you to minimize his affect on you. Be careful of that.

BuzzL

I agree with Luci's post above. I hear it to this day in my family: "your dad drank but he wasn't all that bad." My response to that was to ask whether his dad ever pulled out a rifle and threatened to kill him and his mother? No? Mine did.

I want to emphasise that I made peace with my father since then. Still, that doesn't change the reality and allowing anyone to minimise that experience is to deny it.

P.S. The police took his rifle from him that evening. He retrieved it a few days later when he was "sober".

Kialua

Mine too!

shorty28562

My dad was abusive, physically and emotionally to everyone in the house. There was no stability in my house as a child and my dad was like a time bomb...waiting to blow. Every night it would be like a war in our house. I hated my dad for it. My parents divorced when I was 13 and I went with my mom.

I could never forgive my dad and even as I got older, things were never smooth between us. I was always silently holding things against him. It was an uncomfortable relationship to say the least.

My dad never stopped drinking and our relationship never got better. I stopped trying and took it for granted. 2 years ago my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. 4 months after being diagnosed he died.

Even though my dad was the way he was, I still miss him more than anything. I beat myself up for not forgiving him and not putting forth an effort to make our relationship better. I would give ANYTHING to have another chance to make things right between us.

You still have a chance. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it might be painful. Don't be like me and take it for granted until its too late. All you can do it try. I hope things work out.

DavidG

Yep, when an ill parent dies we not only have to grieve for the loss that death brings. We also have to grieve for the person they might have been. In the end that does make us double strength, but getting there is tough.

wildhorses

Your post made me cry too It's exactly what I feel, except for my dad is still a severe alcoholic and drug addict. I have cut myself off emotionally from him and when I go visit my mom (who still lives with him) I do not talk to him or acknowledge him at all. I used to think if he would get sober and be a real dad, then I could be close with him but I'm pretty sure too much damage has been done. I used to feel sad that I couldn't love him, especially when he would cry real tears and tell me he loves me and call me "baby girl" ... that one hurts the most. But, I'm 30 years old now, and I think time has made it a LITTLE easier for me, and having no contact with him helped me too. I just can't handle the ups and downs that he brings, it's not good for my mental health AT ALL. I had to decide to do what is best for me. BUT I'm still learning... I'm not expert! I'm still very much co-dependent and I'm on here for help and advice and I'm learning as I go. (plus I have my own problems in my own family now, my husband is a drinker so... ugh)