Please Read - Posting With Respect
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Please Read - Posting With Respect
This is a reminder taken from a thread in the stickies, to please be respectful to each other or refrain from posting to any thread that triggers the worst in you...I do that myself often.
Please read this and keep it in mind when newcomers come here to post, they are sad and frightened and broken...just like we were when we arrived. Let's make them feel welcome and not scare them away.
Thank you for reading....
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 11 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
Please read this and keep it in mind when newcomers come here to post, they are sad and frightened and broken...just like we were when we arrived. Let's make them feel welcome and not scare them away.
Thank you for reading....
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 11 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thanks Hevyn. I know that sometimes when I just want to help the new poster to avoid the pain I have been through, I can get frustrated when I feel that they are not listening, and need to take a deep breath and remember that they ARE new.
The thing is, I didn't listen either when I was new because I needed to hear thing over and over again before they began to sink in. When anyone gave me suggestions contrary to what I felt, I felt judged and it took time for me to trust that the suggestions were given to me with love, out of support...and that they were right. MY thinking had brought me down, it took time to listen to the thinking of those who went before me.
Thanks goodness those who went before me had patience because I was not a fast learner. I am grateful they stuck around and walked with me, even when I made some bad choices. If they had not, I might not be alive today.
Hugs
The thing is, I didn't listen either when I was new because I needed to hear thing over and over again before they began to sink in. When anyone gave me suggestions contrary to what I felt, I felt judged and it took time for me to trust that the suggestions were given to me with love, out of support...and that they were right. MY thinking had brought me down, it took time to listen to the thinking of those who went before me.
Thanks goodness those who went before me had patience because I was not a fast learner. I am grateful they stuck around and walked with me, even when I made some bad choices. If they had not, I might not be alive today.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Great thread, Ann. It's a great reminder how to treat new posters. Thank you! However, IMO, respect should go both ways. Often times and more recently, many of the more seasoned posters with a lot of wisdom, experience, and recovery are being treated very rudely. One by one they seemed to be leaving.
I certainly remember how upsetting being told the told could be. In fact, I was often angry about certain posts or at certain posters. My denial ran deep. However, I can not think of one post by these members that was a personal attack on me or my character. I can not think of any wisdom that was shared that was close to being off the mark either. They helped me see the truth, knew my pain, and really helped me! Each of them taught me about a better way and a healthier path!
Most of us value these posters and their ESH. They have done the hard work, come here to help and IMO should be respected - even by any newcomer or a drive poster!
Thank you!
I certainly remember how upsetting being told the told could be. In fact, I was often angry about certain posts or at certain posters. My denial ran deep. However, I can not think of one post by these members that was a personal attack on me or my character. I can not think of any wisdom that was shared that was close to being off the mark either. They helped me see the truth, knew my pain, and really helped me! Each of them taught me about a better way and a healthier path!
Most of us value these posters and their ESH. They have done the hard work, come here to help and IMO should be respected - even by any newcomer or a drive poster!
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4
I have to agree, Lovemenot. I'm ending a relationship after two years of dealing with addiction. I've posted a couple times on these boards in the past, but I avoid it now because I've seen how rude some of the newcomers / drive by posters are to people who have been through this and who know something about it. I've also noticed that some oldtimers, whose words really helped me, are no longer posting. Something said by a user named Deuce to a longtime user named Hello Kitty a few days ago what just awful, and instead of that being handled, we get the above the message from the moderators.
I think it's unfortunate. I get that if you are new to addiction that you are angry, and that you react badly when people who have been through the wringer seem bitter when they try to give you advice based on their experiences. But consider that they might know something that you don't know. I try not to be bitter about my own experiences, but it's very difficult when someone you know and love goes down the route of addiction. For those of you whose partners are in recovery, just remember that they are only one relapse away from making their life and your life a misery.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
I think it's unfortunate. I get that if you are new to addiction that you are angry, and that you react badly when people who have been through the wringer seem bitter when they try to give you advice based on their experiences. But consider that they might know something that you don't know. I try not to be bitter about my own experiences, but it's very difficult when someone you know and love goes down the route of addiction. For those of you whose partners are in recovery, just remember that they are only one relapse away from making their life and your life a misery.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The rules apply to ALL posters, newcomers and oldtimers alike.
Instead of getting drawn in to a debate with anyone, the best thing to do is report any post that seems disrespectful and let the mods work it out. There is a little icon to the left of each post, when you put your mouse over it, it will say "report"...just click that little button.
Also, a wonderful feature we have that every member here has access to, is the "ignore" button. If you find a particular member triggers the worst in you, simple put them on "ignore" and their posts won't even show to you now.
I'm not saying it's easy to post supportively and nice all the time...you can choose to sit on your hands and not post at all. What I am saying is that the rules about respect apply to each member here, including me. The rules are to protect the membership as a whole. What affects one, affects everyone.
Ryder, I am sorry you were scared away by rudeness. Please know you are welcome here and that you can report members too, and you have access to the ignore button as well.
It's not a perfect system here, but the more we ALL try to be respectful, the better it is for everyone.
Instead of getting drawn in to a debate with anyone, the best thing to do is report any post that seems disrespectful and let the mods work it out. There is a little icon to the left of each post, when you put your mouse over it, it will say "report"...just click that little button.
Also, a wonderful feature we have that every member here has access to, is the "ignore" button. If you find a particular member triggers the worst in you, simple put them on "ignore" and their posts won't even show to you now.
I'm not saying it's easy to post supportively and nice all the time...you can choose to sit on your hands and not post at all. What I am saying is that the rules about respect apply to each member here, including me. The rules are to protect the membership as a whole. What affects one, affects everyone.
Ryder, I am sorry you were scared away by rudeness. Please know you are welcome here and that you can report members too, and you have access to the ignore button as well.
It's not a perfect system here, but the more we ALL try to be respectful, the better it is for everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
There are many reasons that a poster might not be active on the board.
I do strongly believe that everyone, particularly those with years of ESH are quite good at taking care of themselves and it's doubtful that a newer poster is going to run them off.
I frequently want to jump in and say something in defense of someone else and then I check myself. I came here to learn to focus on my own stuff, not needlessly protect and defend others!
Edited to add: I posted this before I saw Ann's post. I try always to follow those suggestions posted above: report stuff that is really off, ignore the rest, post my of ESH. As regular posters if we all do that instead of engaging it makes moderation easier. The mods do an awesome job here!
I do strongly believe that everyone, particularly those with years of ESH are quite good at taking care of themselves and it's doubtful that a newer poster is going to run them off.
I frequently want to jump in and say something in defense of someone else and then I check myself. I came here to learn to focus on my own stuff, not needlessly protect and defend others!
Edited to add: I posted this before I saw Ann's post. I try always to follow those suggestions posted above: report stuff that is really off, ignore the rest, post my of ESH. As regular posters if we all do that instead of engaging it makes moderation easier. The mods do an awesome job here!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Ryder731 
Something said by a user named Deuce to a longtime user named Hello Kitty a few days ago what just awful, and instead of that being handled, we get the above the message from the moderators.
Moderators have real life lives to lead, problems to face, finances to tend to, children to raise, meetings to go to, meals to prepare and homes to keep warm and safe for their families. We are paid nothing for our work here...for each one of us it is a work of love. There have been more than 3 MILLION posts here, just read the statistics on the board main page. It takes real work and devotion to keep up with 3 million posts.
So if you think we aren't handling things around here, maybe look behind the scenes and just see what it takes to keep these forums running safely for everyone.
Respect? Yes, it applies to moderators too. Maybe think twice before you accuse any of us of not "tending to business" here.
The thread you refer to was closed. Seems that someone was actually taking care of business after all.
Again, please read the rules and obey them. I have asked you as nicely as i can. If you don't agree with the rules or how they are applied, perhaps this isn't the right place for you. It's not for everyone but we will make darn sure it is safe and respectful for those who choose to stay.
No more debates, no more respectful disagreements...either agree to the rules or take it someplace else. There is no place here for anyone who debates respect.
Again, thank you for understanding.
Ann
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4
Thanks for this, Ann. I don't think many of us readers (lurkers) really know what goes on behind the scenes to keep this site running. You volunteers, along with many posters, are providing a real lifeline to many of us, and I don't think we stop to think about this enough. I know I haven't.
There sure are a lot of triggers--thanks for the work you do manning the front lines!
There sure are a lot of triggers--thanks for the work you do manning the front lines!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I for one have recently realized just what an impact SR has made on my own personal recovery. And in honor of all the supportive members and moderators; I have recently shared my discovery of SR with many friends in my own recovery network. I have suggested they come and look around, and if they are so inclined to join & begin sharing their own ES&H. I think this thread is a great greeting for them, and assurance that SR really is a supportive and respectful environment & new members are welcomed and embraced by all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Ryder731
I've seen how rude some of the newcomers / drive by posters are to people who have been through this and who know something about it. I've also noticed that some oldtimers, whose words really helped me, are no longer posting. Something said by a user named Deuce to a longtime user named Hello Kitty a few days ago what just awful, and instead of that being handled, we get the above the message from the moderators.
While I appreciated all the support and guidance I received, my husband and I used methods and tried approaches that many disagree with here. We also did not use alanon, or embrace the concept of detachment. But, we are not so closely attached to the situation as to become codependent. We have had successful results in what I will call “enabling his recovery” … NOT his addiction.
Whenever I come to share our experience (which is just as valuable as anyone else's on this forum ) I am usually greeted with a lack of respect, and immediately people begin countering my ES&H with why our approach was wrong, why it doesn’t often work, people begin making post to show we are the exception, comparing out and saying our situation was “different”.. I love where Im now told he wasn’t really an addict (even though he has worked with with a drug counselor for a year).
My point is, people often attack ES&H that is different from theirs, for whatever reason. On a support forum, you would think there might be some debate, some analysis of why this worked for us, or possibly even how someone else could incorporate some of this into their situation. But no. People with differing views jump on board to criticize, shred up, and discount my ES&H.
And the person who I'm sharing with must be like what?? In fact in the post in question the OP states something similar, she didn't need other people to decipher my post for her. There was no respect for the OP on that thread for 3 pages prior to my arrival. And it all was let to run on with the OP yelling out things like “Why won't anyone listen to me, what is wrong with you people?” Because most people were not listening to her, but telling her what they wanted her to hear. I know after I was initially attacked by Hello Kitty - yes she threw the first punch. I reported the thread 3 times for disrespect. It was then closed soon after.
I will be happy to post on a regular basis, but I won't stand for being bullied because our methods don't agree with some members (including older members). I do not have time to waste in my life defending my ES&H, against less time constrained and vocal posters who want to silence views different from their own.
I would love to see respect for all views, all people who come here and share their ES&H on how their family dealt with addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
I cannot thank you enough for this post.... I am.new and scared and distraught and was met many times with self righteous members that would give advice that actually wound up hurting me..my situation my outlook and my responsibility in this situation....
I.already feel bad enough. Guilty, sad, helpless, heartbroken, hopeless.,..the last thing i need right now is to feel like I am reason for him leaving me the way he did. Because trust me.....i already came here feeling that way.
I and many newbies are not ready to.hear 'MOVE ON!!..RUN!!!!' And all.of the tough love that maybe i will need....but i promise not right now...
Again thanks for addressing this issue.....
I.already feel bad enough. Guilty, sad, helpless, heartbroken, hopeless.,..the last thing i need right now is to feel like I am reason for him leaving me the way he did. Because trust me.....i already came here feeling that way.
I and many newbies are not ready to.hear 'MOVE ON!!..RUN!!!!' And all.of the tough love that maybe i will need....but i promise not right now...
Again thanks for addressing this issue.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
I have read some replies (not to any of my threads...I am a newcomer and feel that everyone has been very respectful and supportive 
) on various threads that I found a little harsh, and had I been the OP I would have been offended and felt like I was being attacked. I think it is important to remember that some people here are very fragile and in very dark places... We must respond with respect. I'm not suggesting that everything be sugar coated, but just that we share our ESH as respectfully as possible.
) on various threads that I found a little harsh, and had I been the OP I would have been offended and felt like I was being attacked. I think it is important to remember that some people here are very fragile and in very dark places... We must respond with respect. I'm not suggesting that everything be sugar coated, but just that we share our ESH as respectfully as possible.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Ann
Also, a wonderful feature we have that every member here has access to, is the "ignore" button. If you find a particular member triggers the worst in you, simple put them on "ignore" and their posts won't even show to you now.
I've always chuckled at the irony of the ignore feature, as it relates to a group of people mostly unable, unwillingly and/or not interested in ignoring and detaching. At least not initially
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
A heartfelt THANK YOU to Ann and ALL the moderators for your
time,hard work,and humanity.
SR was here when I needed it.
That is something I will never,ever forget.
THANK YOU ALL.....from the bottom of my heart.
time,hard work,and humanity.
SR was here when I needed it.
That is something I will never,ever forget.
THANK YOU ALL.....from the bottom of my heart.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by Vale
A heartfelt THANK YOU to Ann and ALL the moderators for your
time,hard work,and humanity.
time,hard work,and humanity.
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