EverHopeful721

So every day for the last 9 days, I have woken up and my first lucid thought is, "He's gone. He's gone and I'm never going to see him again." Some mornings there are tears following this realization, some mornings there is a painful squeezing of my heart and some mornings, like today, there is just an emptiness...no tears, no pain, just....numbness.

But the tears came later this afternoon. I had to drop my car off for inspection and the garage is right near his house. I refrained from driving by his house, just as I've refrained from driving by his house and his bar (he's usually at one or the other), for the last 9 days. The way I look at it, what is that going to accomplish?? To see his stupid truck?? Or at his house, to see another car, of the girl he's now seeing, parked in my usual spot?? Either way, it will only end in tears and pain for me. But what brought the tears this afternoon was the realization that I'm never going to be driving up that hill to go to his house ever again. I thought of all the times over the last year when I hauled a$$ up that hill, my heart racing with excitement, anticipating walking through that front door and seeing his beautiful face waiting for me and lighting up when I walked in....that has been MY fix for the last 16 months, to be wanted, needed and desired by this man, to live for seeing him. But as quickly as the tears came, I forced myself to remember that as happy and elated as I was going up that hill, each time I came back down, it was usually with an uneasy feeling in my stomach, either because it had ended in some sort of fight, he hadn't asked me to stay over, or even if I had stayed, many times it was on the couch. And no matter what sweet words he had said to me the night before (and sometimes there were none), come morning his carefully constructed wall was back in place and there was nothing but the most awkward tension left between us.

I had thought about not posting on SR anymore....after all, my story's out, I know what I have to do, what more is there to say, right? But I've kept on reading, and have come across more stories that have triggered such recognition in me...even if our stories are not exactly the same, the actions of the addicts we love and how those actions make us feel ARE the same. And I can't even express how much it helps to realize that I'M NOT ALONE and to share my experiences with others in the same boat. So I will continue to post and most definitely to read, because as so many of you have told me, now is the time to work on MY recovery, from him, from my codependency and from the issues in my past that have led me here. I'm planning on going to my first Al-Anon meeting this week, just to see what it's about - I hope I don't back out.

I realized today that I'm actually in a state of grieving. No matter what our relationship was or wasn't, I loved him (still do) and I was committed to him. And I have to accept and deal with the loss. As I said to my mom today, it's like dealing with a death, but it's better for me to deal with this 'pseudo-loss/death' of him and move on, than to someday have to deal with the ACTUAL loss/death of him, which could come at any time due to his drug use. Having to deal with that would have absolutely destroyed me.

So needless to say, I'm glad I'm still here, reading and posting and will continue to do so. Thank you, SR family!!

jerect

Everhopeful keep posting.. I no longer have an addict in my life but I still post here because I gain a lot of insight by reading other people's stories.. Even though there is no longer an addict in my life. I still have a long way to go in my recovery.. I've put down the drug ( divorced my husband ) now I must work on the hard part.. Me!!!!

EverHopeful721

Thank you, jerect. You're right - even though there are no longer addicts in our life, WE are still in recovery and the support here at SR is a big part of that.