misspond

Hi everyone, I thought I'd come and introduce myself before I wander around taking another look at the threads. I got here via a question into Google about a book and whether it had worked for anyone and I've been here all day reading threads. Because I've read so many positive and supportive responses I felt compelled to join and ask for support with my attempt to give up alcohol (and maybe offer support where I can).

I'm a 46 year old woman, a single parent to two small children, and I'm pretty tired of drinking a bottle of wine every night. I left my ex partner two years ago (due to his drinking and drug taking funnily enough) and at the time I was aware that I was drinking too much. I think in the last few years (6?) I've been drinking wine regularly but it was always around half a bottle. Since moving out it's gone up to a bottle a night. There are odd nights when I don't drink at all, but if I'm honest, they are rare.

For a long time I have told myself that I am not an alcoholic but I no longer think that this is true. I am an alcoholic. I don't drink until the evening, but as soon as evening comes I drink. I don't often drink spirits but that's because I don't buy them.....

Two months ago I bought the Allen Carr book as I have previously used his Stop Smoking book and successfully gave up after 20 years of smoking cigarettes and dope. I gave up smoking dope 4 years ago (because I was sick of doing it) and gave up tobacco around 14 months ago. And way back when I was in my 20's and 30's I used to use other drugs (speed, acid, MDMA) and managed to stop using them without any intervention; I just stopped using them after getting sick of feeling so crappy on a come-down.

I figured that if I could apply the same techniques to my drinking, changing the mindset, understanding that I'm not giving something up and am in fact freeing myself, then I could successfully give up alcohol. In fact, when it comes to smoking I feel as though I was never a smoker at all so I know that I can do this.

I'm just not quite there yet. I can't quite quit the vino. I really need to though. I have two beautiful children and have been some terribly emotional times in the last couple of years (it was never my intention to become a single parent I can assure you but for my mental and physical health I had to leave him) but that's no excuse to continue like this. Once my son goes to school in September this year I need to find myself some more work (I currently do a few hours that I am able to work around the children) and I need to be fully present, not nursing a sore head and feeling miserable. Even for my children I am not always as present as I should be although I never drink until they are in bed (ha, cos that makes it acceptable...) and in saying that I've realised that the awful reality is that I do nearly all of my drinking alone (I rarely go out as I don't have babysitters on tap, my parents live 100 miles away and most of my friends have children too). On school days I take my daughter to school nursing a headache at best and feeling dizzy and sick at worst. There have been a couple of occasions when I haven't taken my son to nursery because I've felt too ill to do so. Pretty awful yes?

There are some very good friends in my life but I'm too ashamed to admit to them how much I drink. I'm sure they would be supportive but I can't quite bring myself to be honest with them, I'm scared that they would judge me or think badly of me. So I'm being as honest as I can here.

So why can't I give up alcohol? I am going to read the Allen Carr book again, starting tonight. I'm going to try. If I'm honest I love the feeling of being slightly drunk, that warm woozy feeling is comforting and safe. But then I end up feeling somewhat more than warm and woozy, and wake up wearing the same clothes I wore the previous day, unsure of when I went to bed. And the worst part is that I've been drunk and my children are asleep in their beds, unaware that mummy would probably be unable to save them if there was an emergency.

So tonight is the night I ask for help and support and the ability to do what I have done before, and give up the bad stuff.

Sorry, that turned into a long long introductory post.

T4texas

No worries about the long intro it feels god to get it all out doesn't it? It sounds like you are recognizing that your drinking is a problem and that you need to stop which is a good first step. Life gets so much more fulfilling when you can be fully present. Read through the stickies and the rest of the forums here and see which of the programs and or groups mesh with your personal beliefs and lifestyle. Remember you have everything to lose or everything to gain.

Welcome to SR,

T

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR misspond

I really like Allen Carr's approach to addiction. I read his drinking book after I quit but I was familiar with his stop smoking books before that and I am sure that what I learnt from that helped me quit drinking. He has changed the way I view addiction entirely. Another method which is has some similarities is the AVRT/Rational Recovery approach. There are lots of discussion on this and others in the secular connections forum here. Also this great thread which ended up in the Book Club forum ... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thoughts.html

Glad you are here, I am sure you'll find lots of information and support to help you x

misspond

Hi there, yes it was the thread you mention that I found via Google - and it was in reading his book that I came to the conclusion that I am an alcoholic (having tried for a long time to convince myself that I am not). I can drink a whole bottle of wine in an evening, sometimes more. If I'm out with friends I can drink more than they can. I often don't recollect getting to bed and that's the part that bothers me a lot at the moment. What if the children needed me and I was unable to respond? It's my personal inability to stop after one drink that causes me discomfort and in fact frightens me, plus my ability to push all of those concerns aside and go to the corner shop and buy a bottle of wine.

chanty

Welcome misspond :0)
This is a great place to be, so much support,. Come and join us in the March 2013 class, great bunch there. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-11.html

misspond

Thanks Chanty, I will

Seiceps

Hello miss pond. Yr story sounds similar to mine. I did plenty of drugs in my twenties but pretty much stopped after I had my kids. Except for the odd party every couple of yrs or so. I also stopped the pot cos I just got over it. Well done on quitting smoking ! Havnt managed that one yet.
But, big but , stopping the wine has been hard. I started drinking it to help me sleep when I was a single mum with toddler twins. Half turned to one bottle and like you say, nights without it were the rarity. I guess it fills in some pretty big gaps in your life. It becomes your friend when your at home alone, probably exhausted like every other mum. It's like a gift when the kids are finally asleep that you can have. You don't need a man or a friend, just a few quid and the local shop. I totally get it.
I have stopped for just over two weeks. Recently a single mum again ( same guy, the dad, crazy on / off relationship ) I asked my girls if anything/ what had changed for them in last few weeks ( they are nearly 12- actually tomorrow !!)
They said : you're nicer mum, you want to do more stuff with us and you don't get as angry and shout as much.
Soooo, there is always an impact no matter how well we micro manage it.
I don't want my girls growing up ashamed of me Bc I've put in too much hard work for that. I don't deserve that Bc I am a good mum. They don't deserve that Bc they are great kids.
It hasn't been easy , but it's been possible. I did confide in my friends , Bc they already knew anyway ! They have been amazingly supportive. Give it ago. Even just one good frirnd, it really helps if someone's got yr back and makes you accountable to more than just yourself. You don't have to set impossible or implausible limits on yourself. Aim for a week to start if that's all yr head can handle. And take it from there. Just start and you will feel better in just a few days. Don't let it get any worse Bc it's just harder to change. Wishing you all the best, from one mother to another 😜

misspond

Thanks for your kind words Seiceps, you made me cry a little and the more threads I read I see there are many more of us with children who appear to choose alcohol over relationships with our little ones. But it's no good fretting about the "might have beens" and all about looking and moving forward.

ReadyAtLast

welcome misspond, I have a young child too and drank wine every night. you can do this and will feel so much better. SR has been a great source of support and strength for me. I second chanty's suggestion of joining the monthly class. welcome

deadlydame

Good Morning Misspond,

Welcome. This is a great place, and the little I know about you sounds to me that you already on the good path to healthy lifestyle. I wanted to jump in and comment on the part where you mention to be too afraid and ashamed to tell your friends about your issue. OK. This is my story so I am not telling you or anyone else for that matter what to do. I just want to share this because reading your post and especially the paragraph on friends was like a flashback to a few years ago. I have known my friend Pascale for over 25 years. She is "Redacteur En Chef" for one if not biggest TV Stations in France. The woman is a tough cookie who had to fight her way in a male world and she sure has succeeded. Anyway, long story short, I was certain (as certain anyone can be) that once I tell Pascale about my addiction, she would not even try to understand and would put a definite stamp on our friendship. But I decided to go ahead because I was tired of having to cover up, find excuses to why I would not call or come visit. Like you, I was very ashamed. When I finally got the courage to tell her, Pascale expressed such compassion and her support & caring have only grown with time. My point is, shame is one of the most powerful and cunning feelings in the life of an addict. From shame comes the secret and secret is what keeps us slaves to our addictions.
Again, I am not telling you what to do even less to announce your drinking issue to the entire planet. But, based on what I experienced, the fact that I was able to tell Pascale about my issue and to realize that I did not have to feel so ashamed after all ended up a benediction. No longer lured by shame, I became more willing to seek help. I no longer had to hide.

Again, welcome. you will find many good things around here... And let us know how you are doing. Best Wishes,

Sandrine

FeelingGreat

Misspond your situation was mine a year ago. I knew I was harming myself drinking a bottle of wine a night, but the thought of quitting was soooo scary. I started slowly by talking to my doctor, reading up on alcoholism, thinking about the harm it was doing me. After about a month I just found the motivation from somewhere, and I stopped. I'm up to 11 months now. I couldn't do it by cutting down; it had to be complete abstinence. Apart from the benefits to my physical health, it's been a big load off my mind. I like waking up in the morning and feeling free of guilt, not to mention hangover. If you do find it in yourself to stop, ask the forum about handling the first few days and weeks. You'll find lots of helpful hints and advice. All the best.

misspond

Thank you FeelingGreat I know that I need to stop, that this isn't about cutting down or drinking a little less, because I know that I am unable to do that (having tried).

I will certainly have a look at some of the advice for people in the first few days/weeks - and if there is such a thing as a Higher Power then I've been granted a little help by mine....I would normally now be walking home after dropping my son off at nursery, and calling into the local shop to buy a bottle of wine for later tonight. The nursery called an hour ago to say they are closed for the day due to the heating not working, so now I don't even need to consider walking past the shop. In fairness though I'm very taken by the Allen Carr method of understanding that alcohol is a poison that offers no benefits, and that by stopping drinking it I am in no way depriving myself. I read the book again last night. I stopped drinking for a few days after I first read it two months ago but then gave in to what I understand more fully (having read about the concept here) as my AV. I never did relate to Carr's description of the gremlin sitting on my shoulders, but the description of the AV resonates much more strongly.

As for telling friends, well, I have a friend who's going to call round later this week with a bottle of wine so that we could have a catch up and a gossip and a drink whilst I dye her hair. I'm going to ask her not to bring the wine and explain why. In for a penny, in for a pound.

MarkstheSpot

Hey, good luck, Misspond!

Dee74

Welcome to SR misspond

I thought I could never live without booze - turns out I wasn't really living when I was drinking anyway....

It is a leap of faith....and scary to boot....but there's many many people who've done it sucessfully here and you're not alone

D

Seiceps

Mp,
My mum didn't drink but she sure hurt me a lot so you're right in saying not to worry about the might have beens. We have a choice to make today wonderful for ourselves and our kids. Sorry I made you cry ! I bawled my eyes out for first five days ! I think my neighbours thought I'd gone right off the edge. Anyway how you doing love ? I am gunna be totally honest and say tonight ( my twins bday dinner with their dad and I ) tipped me over the edge. We are recently ( again ) seperated and I miss him like mad and tonight when he went home to his new house , I went straight for the wine. There , I said it. Sigh , it has only made me cry. I managed 15 days before this , ill manage it again. We both will , yeah ? Let us know how you're doing. And remember this isn't just a forum for successful moments ! It's for reality as it strikes us.

instant

A bottle of wine a night was a normal night for me. I thought I had it under control, apart from the frequent blowouts. It is only now I am free of it that I am really starting to live my life. It can be done.it is a worth it.

misspond

Please don't apologise for me crying, I should have been clearer and said that I read the similarity in our situations and felt touched by your honesty. And well done for being honest about what's just happened with you, you'll get over it. Being recently separated is hard and it's easy to reach for something to numb the pain. Hope you wake up feeling able to continue being strong xx

misspond

Thank you Instant, it's so easy to down that bottle when you feel that it's a treat. Instead I now understand it's far from a treat, very far indeed. I obviously have a lot of work to do and will need to plan my weekend so that I don't slip.