bookworm

Hullo all,
I need some help here....G has been looking at porn on the Internet. I've known this for a little while but I didn't say anything about it. Then last night he had the cheek to challenge MY loyalty to HIM. He seems to thing that I'm 'looking for something else'. Never have I given him any reason to suspect this.

What made me so mad, though, was that he feels entitled to question my loyalty when he's looking at this smut on the Internet. He's downloading all these gross pictures. I feel really hurt and betrayed and worst of all, inadequate. I have confronted him verbally about this before and he made all these promises that he wouldn't do it anymore blah blah blah. This time I confronted him by email so that when he woke up he'd read it. He tried to fob me off, telling me it was an 'accident'. So of course he 'accidently' downloads pictures...only when I'm at work. Yeah right. As if it's not hard enough coping with the drinking!

So now we're not speaking. Am I being over sensitive and silly? Am I overreacting? He just doesn't seem to realise it's a hugely hurtful thing. I've tried to tell him how much this upsets me, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.
Thanks everyone,
HugZ
Sandra

ladyphish

Boy do I hear you. I have stuggled with this issue for a little while. What I have come to understand is that I can't make him change or understand and see porn as a real sin and a door to other things in his life, I can only trust that God hears my prayers for Him, and I pray for the eyes of his understanding to be opened as well as mine. I know how you feel. i feel the same way. My H denied the porn for awhile, then he justifed it by saying "men have to have visuals" "It's not cheating". what a sad thing. I will pray for you. Cathy

JT

Many years ago I learned to live with Playboy and Penthouse...not a huge deal. Now that I think of it I haven't seen one in many years. Internet porn is a whole other thing in my world. There is some pretty sick stuff out there. People can have all but physical contact with the advent of webcams and such. I WOULD be offended.

Not that this is on topic but I recently heard that youngish boys get involved with internet porn and in their developing minds base how they treat their girlfriends on that smut. Sweet...

JT

bookworm

Not that this is on topic but I recently heard that youngish boys get involved with internet porn and in their developing minds base how they treat their girlfriends on that smut. Sweet...

JT[/QUOTE]

Oh, God help us all, JT

Thanks for your kind words Lady and JT. Now I've got to figure out how I'm going to handle this.
HugZ
Sandra

JT

BW,

You know you can't control it...after all physically he is an adult. Whatever...

That being said, I am the kind of person who likes to have all the cards in full view. Mine included. Even when I don't know what I am going to do I will say just that. Like "I don't know what I am going to do or when I am going to do it but know.....straight up...that I hate this and I have choices too."

Poor Ward...he has to live with me...:LMAO

best

Every Man's Battle is a good starting place book.
We can justify anything in our thoughts.
Wrong is wrong and untill we see it as such, we won't change.
The dangers are real, we don't see them till we look back later.
Many times on different issues...with a soft tone, my wife would just tell me how it feels to her when I would... Honey, that makes me sad, or Honey that makes me feel not wanted... That helped me see that some of my actions were wrong. (not being told they are wrong but being told what they cause)
If he would surrender to the idea, marriage counseling may be a good idea.

bookworm

Yeah, you've just said what I'm thinking to myself. I have got choices. Thing is, it's almost like I feel as though there's no point in telling him anything because I've told him before how this porn thing makes me feel and he's obviously not listening and/or not really interested.
Hmph
HugZ
Sandra

best

When you care to give your very best...
Say it with tears.

Worked for me the few times it was used against me over the 28 years. *LOL*
Sorry about the laugh but as I look back over the years, I find it funny now.
Wasn't at the time though.

Lorelai

Whenever I bring up anything my H is doing that I find offensive (going to strip bars, hanging out with other women, etc.), he always has to turn the tables. Just like you said, I've never given him any reason to believe that I would cheat on him. I never would.

It helped me to realize that what he was doing was trying to switch me over to defending myself and get me off of the subject of what he was doing. It worked many, many, many times. I don't take the bait anymore. I know that I'm not doing anything wrong - he knows it too. I think sometimes he wants me to do something so that it's not always him in the hot seat.
L

Ladybugg

bookworm,
I have come to the conclusion that communicating my needs to my spouse once, is a good thing. However, there is no sense in trying to repeat myself over and over.
Especially when it is something big like..Porn.
I agree with Smoke.....We all have choices.
Lady

JT

Ladybugg...that's the part I left out...say it once. Anymore than that is attempting to control.

Best you made me laugh so hard I had to wipe my monitor off! One thing you need to remember around here is watch the beverages around SR!

Hugs,
JT

quietsins

porn is an addiction just as alcohol is. but it has weirder and scarier effects if that is possible. it makes them after time see women as "things" and it becomes with time so addictive that they start to objectify women. seeing them as having a "purpose" and most of that is debased sexual acts.

i speak from my own experience with this and the A in my life. the porn he said was "just something to look at" then it got worse, and then started the chat rooms about sex, then the "talking" to women online, then the phone calls when i was at work... and down and down and down.. until he could barely talk to me because he had spent his "quality time" with women online. and yet he told me he loved me. and only me. yeah right.

i think porn addiction is horribly hurtful. i spoke to him about how it made me feel, which he turned around and said was my "insecurity" talking. it got so bad.. he got out of bed with me to go "chat" online.

beware, beware, beware... its as addictive as alcohol..and if possible.. even harder on your self esteem than alcoholic ramblings and rants are.

good luck

bookworm

Thanks a lot everyone - you've given me heaps to think about...
HugZ
Sandra

knightraven

hello, i am new on here, but let me tell you, i am having the exact same problem with my fiance' so i decided to join this chat site, for answers to my questions too.

Girlfriend

Hi bookworm,

Welcome to SR!!!

Alot of addictions on this forum and am so glad that we have it, so that we can "talk" it all out and support one another.

My ex H used to be addicted to porn. It got so bad that he'd try to MAKE me (he was physically abusive and verbally, a pot smoker for years. We've been divorced 21 years, but he's the father of my two beautiful grown kids) like it,too and join in with him. It made me literally puke. Because of what he'd "like" me to do with the pictures of naked ladies while he got what he wanted from me every day or I'd get beat up..........it's given me years of nightmares.

That was passed on to my son who's now 26 and a good young man. But, he thinks every bathroom in America has Playboys in it. and he's disrespectful to his sweet girlfriend by taking her to strip clubs to see naked women. (My ex did that with me on our honeymoon in Florida!! I was 16-24 while married to him).

My older sister has told me that her husband watches porn on the internet and she says "I don't care! Keeps him away from me". My heart hurt for her when she said that.

Porn is an addiction. For females as well as males. My ex H would accuse me of cheating on him ALL the time, but a wise person once told me that when a person accuses you of doing something, that could very well mean that THAT person is doing the cheating himself. And, sure enough......he cheated on me 3 months after the birth of my daughter with a married prostitute.

Don't buy into it. It's an addiction like alcohol and drugs are. He's gonna wanna have to stop the addiction himself and you can't do it for him no matter how hard you try.

Take care of yourself and your needs. Believe in yourself and know that YOU are beautiful and it's his sickness, not your's.

knightraven

that is soo true, guys are such creeps, my fiance' hates it when i go spend time with my mom, to go see bands, i dont drink or anything, i rarely even talk to another person, but he alwasy has to know what im wearing and when im going to be home, i dont mind telling him where im going and when ill be home, because in the few hours im gone, he could be backstabbing me, and looking at stuff online, he tells me there is nothing to hide, and nothing on his computer, yet its all passworded up, not my computer, i really dont have anything to hide, so i dont need a password. but he gets soo over jelous and stuff, i know he lies about stuff sometimes too. guys will be guys yes, but to a certain point, then there just rediculous. Girlfriend, i am sooo sorry for what happened to you, im glad your ok now, thank you for your words, they really make me think.