New to this site; need al anon support tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 4
New to this site; need al anon support tonight
Good evening, thanks for reading. My husband celebrated his 2nd year sobriety birthday this past February. So exciting! He attends aa meetings twice a week. He has met incredible people and sponsors as well. I read paths to recovery book and another al anon book. Having a toddler and pregnant now makes it hard to get to a class. Here is my question... He continuously threatens me by saying to me hings like that "i always knew you would be the cause if my relapse" and "I am only stayin sober for our daughter" and "I should just go out drinking right now!" All of these are hurtful. I cannot pretend that it doesn't effect me but I look at him and usually ask his sponsor's wife to call him. Which makes things worse. He only says this after an argument but I wonder if his is what he really feels? Can anyone please shed light and hp me understand. Thanks again, I am so blessed to have this forum available on my phone 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 54
Sounds to me like it's just him trying to manipulate you and blame you so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his problem. They know how to zero in on our fears. My ExAB would say things about my being single for so long before I met him. He would remind me of the women who were interested in him and tell me I didn't have options like he did. He was trying to scare me into staying with him. I just told him they could have him. It was still painful. You deserve better treatment.
Gs
Gs
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Plumpretty, Like Goodstitch says, he sounds lik e he is having trouble taking responsibility for his addiction/recovery square on his own shoulders. Also, he may be having cravings and resenting you for it---especially, if you wanted him to get into recovery. If he has cravings, it would be logical (to him) to blame you for getting between him and what alcoholics want the very most---freedom to drink.
Remember that going to AA meetings, alone---and chatting with sponsors is not enough to be in full recovery mode. The healing work is done in the actual 12 steps. This is where the thinking, attitudes and eventually, the behaviors, are changed. This takes a lot of dedication and doesn't happen overnight. Otherwise, the alcoholic is sober--but not in actual recovery. Many, many alcoholics go to AA meetings, yet, do not fully accept that they need to work the steps.
What he is doing--saying to you--is also called "quacking", and there are techniques of detaching from the quacking that avoids getting into needless conflict with them.
You will have to decide if what he is doing is acceptable enough for you to simply "detatch" and carry on--OR, if you need to draw a boundry for yourself with this
behavior.
sincerely, dandylion
Remember that going to AA meetings, alone---and chatting with sponsors is not enough to be in full recovery mode. The healing work is done in the actual 12 steps. This is where the thinking, attitudes and eventually, the behaviors, are changed. This takes a lot of dedication and doesn't happen overnight. Otherwise, the alcoholic is sober--but not in actual recovery. Many, many alcoholics go to AA meetings, yet, do not fully accept that they need to work the steps.
What he is doing--saying to you--is also called "quacking", and there are techniques of detaching from the quacking that avoids getting into needless conflict with them.
You will have to decide if what he is doing is acceptable enough for you to simply "detatch" and carry on--OR, if you need to draw a boundry for yourself with this
behavior.
sincerely, dandylion
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I kind of agree with other goodstitch but then I cant help but think about my own experience and others
And say no.....its obviously in the back of his head. It always will be though but his sense of sobreity would be greater.
I say this because when (not long recovery) I caught my ah having a glass we argued and he said the same to me. Red flags went up as soon as it was said and was verified that night that indeed it was on his mind not just coming out of his mouth. However your rah my be thinking it but may not do it.
And say no.....its obviously in the back of his head. It always will be though but his sense of sobreity would be greater.
I say this because when (not long recovery) I caught my ah having a glass we argued and he said the same to me. Red flags went up as soon as it was said and was verified that night that indeed it was on his mind not just coming out of his mouth. However your rah my be thinking it but may not do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Plumpretty,
No one "makes or drives" someone to drink. They drink because they want to drink. period. Accusing a loved one of such a thing is a red flag... big one.
Abstinence is not recovery. Meeting attendance is not recovery. There are a lot of dry drunks in the rooms and some of them are sponsors. A meeting never kept anyone sober... as has been said it is the steps IF they are worked. It is a spiritual solution and meetings are just the fellowship... although meetings can be very, very helpful and a good start to the program.
I have no idea where your husband is at this time but the most important thing is that you get some "radar" on where you are at and that you understand some of these very tricky relationship dynamics when you love an A. Sober A's are still A's and recovery and the steps are for life!
Alanon... do whatever it takes to find time and block it out and GO. It will help you find the puzzle pieces and how to respond to idiotic statements like that.
For example: A says " I knew you would make me drink again!" ... And you look at him with the most sympathetic look and say "Honey, I am so sorry you feel that way... would you be willing to discuss this with your sponsor?" And then you ask " What does the Big Book say about the concept that others can make you drink?"
Now... you didn't get emotional (A's LOVE to get a rise out of us) and you were sympathetic, caring but asked HIM to figure out a solution!
And it is a big NO NO to be involving the sponsors wife as a telegraph to the sponsor as to A's behaviors at home with you.
If sponsor isn't figuring out the signs of non-recovery from their step work together then he is possibly not the right guy to be working with hubby (if hubby is not seriously working with a real deal "git her done" sponsor.
Want to get free from the emotionally draining turmoil of the alcoholic/codie dance? Alanon. Read. Read. Read. Everything you can on the disease because it ain't going away... its treatable but its for life. Knowledge is power. It is a key.
Set me free. Thank you God.
No one "makes or drives" someone to drink. They drink because they want to drink. period. Accusing a loved one of such a thing is a red flag... big one.
Abstinence is not recovery. Meeting attendance is not recovery. There are a lot of dry drunks in the rooms and some of them are sponsors. A meeting never kept anyone sober... as has been said it is the steps IF they are worked. It is a spiritual solution and meetings are just the fellowship... although meetings can be very, very helpful and a good start to the program.
I have no idea where your husband is at this time but the most important thing is that you get some "radar" on where you are at and that you understand some of these very tricky relationship dynamics when you love an A. Sober A's are still A's and recovery and the steps are for life!
Alanon... do whatever it takes to find time and block it out and GO. It will help you find the puzzle pieces and how to respond to idiotic statements like that.
For example: A says " I knew you would make me drink again!" ... And you look at him with the most sympathetic look and say "Honey, I am so sorry you feel that way... would you be willing to discuss this with your sponsor?" And then you ask " What does the Big Book say about the concept that others can make you drink?"
Now... you didn't get emotional (A's LOVE to get a rise out of us) and you were sympathetic, caring but asked HIM to figure out a solution!
And it is a big NO NO to be involving the sponsors wife as a telegraph to the sponsor as to A's behaviors at home with you.
If sponsor isn't figuring out the signs of non-recovery from their step work together then he is possibly not the right guy to be working with hubby (if hubby is not seriously working with a real deal "git her done" sponsor.
Want to get free from the emotionally draining turmoil of the alcoholic/codie dance? Alanon. Read. Read. Read. Everything you can on the disease because it ain't going away... its treatable but its for life. Knowledge is power. It is a key.
Set me free. Thank you God.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, I'm riding on Hopeworks's coattails this morning--everything she said.
I would stay OUT of his relationship with his sponsor. You need to have your OWN sponsor you can unload on when stuff like this happens. I suggest that you get to a meeting or use the phone numbers that I hope you got and ask for a sponsor. You don't have to go to meetings all the time to work the program. But some guidance for you might be very helpful.
I would stay OUT of his relationship with his sponsor. You need to have your OWN sponsor you can unload on when stuff like this happens. I suggest that you get to a meeting or use the phone numbers that I hope you got and ask for a sponsor. You don't have to go to meetings all the time to work the program. But some guidance for you might be very helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 4
thank you
Everyone, thank you SO much. I had no idea that neither one of us in this relationship were taking seriously the steps. It's so true. I couldn't even tell you what step he is on. And though we are faithful people, I have never once seen him reading out of any book. Prayer helps though and I feel that with our higher power and with the amazing support that my husband has encountered is only through God's grace. I will take ALL of your advice. It means the world to me!! I will find a meeting, get my butt in gear in reading, and encourage my husband to read - and perhaps find a better sponsor. He likes to share about the process of working the program but I can see now that what he is telling people is skin deep. He perhaps is not in full recovery mode. Love to you all and I would like to keep in touch now !!
!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wouldn't give him advice about his program, or his sponsor, either. Let HIM concentrate on HIS recovery while YOU concentrate on YOURS. I know you mean well, but nothing gets an alcoholic resentful quicker than someone telling him what to do--someone other than another alcoholic in recovery, that is.
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