MeSoSober

Does anyone have one? Has anyone thought about it?

I had a RARE blowup with my mom on the phone tonight. She has been GREAT and supportive through all of this but she had a bee in her bonnet (other than the usual worry for me) tonight. After we'd spoken a little about other things on the phone, she told me about a pamphlet she'd been given by a neighbor (who herself has an ex-husband who is an alcoholic). She starts reading, and then we start talking about a lot of the usual alcohol- and recovery-related stuff, and then she asks if I've gotten a sponsor.

"No"

"Dana, you are NEVER going to get a sponsor, I am not going to go through this with you every night [SHE WAS THE ONE WHO BROUGHT UP THE ALCOHOL ISSUE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!, blah, blah, blah]." I actually said goodbye and hung up on her. That never happens.

She's very worried and doesn't see me taking the actions SHE thinks will make a difference, like a sponsor. I have said in the past that I thought I might find a sponsor helpful, but (a) I don't subscribe to AA and (b) would it really make a difference if I got a non-AA sponsor? If a sponsor checked in with me every day, I could still hang up the phone and go to the liquor store, right? She wants me to have a babysitter up here (I'm three hours away from my parents) and I simply don't believe that a sponsor is going to help me quit drinking.

She would no doubt say I'm pooh-poohing all of these things to avoid actually DOING anything about my problem, and maybe there's an element of truth to that, but at the same time, I think my points are absolutely valid.

So I'm ranting and at the same time wondering if I can find a sponsor outside of AA mainly to shut her up, frankly.

Now that I've found this forum, I feel like you all are about the same thing as a real-life sponsor.

Oh, and for what it's worth, I took a walk downtown afterward. Right past a liquor store. Not even the slightest desire to drink.

Thanks for listening. All ideas and thoughts welcome!!!

tomsteve

"So I'm ranting and at the same time wondering if I can find a sponsor outside of AA mainly to shut her up, frankly. "

not to sound harsh, but if thats yer motive, why bother? that isnt what a sponsor is for. mine isnt a baby sitter.
to learn what AA means by sponsorship, here is a good read:
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf


can you get help outside of AA? sure!!! but someone who is just gonna listen to complaints..well, thats what i had when i was drinkin. it didnt help. i needed someone that was gonna call me on my BS and give me solutions, someone that would say,"welp, since ya just wana whine, call me when ya wanna get intot he solution and i'll see what i can do to help.

i have people in my life outside of AA that i use as sponsors. theres probelms that arise that i need outside help for.

Coldfusion

The purpose of a sponsor is not to check up and see if you're drinking. A sponsor gives the perspective of experience to answering questions relating to sobriety.

A rehab program suggests that a sponsor have at least a year of continuous sobriety and have completed the program you wish to use. There may be programs other than AA and NA with sponsors, but AA and NA are by far the most common. They have a well-designed organization that has handicapped accessible meetings places, secretaries for every meeting, literature, web sites, and much more. If you can find another program that offers sponsorship, go for it!

Is the program you are using now keeping you sober?

artsoul

Being a mom, I can relate to the codependency....

I think it's safe to say that having some kind of contact/support with others in recovery and/or counseling (or whatever helps us the most) is something most of us need to stay sober, but it's up to you to decide the details.

Probably, all your mom wants is a little reassurance you're doing OK (?)....

MeSoSober

Like I said, because it would make her feel better. Of course I would be open to benefit to myself and have said before that I felt a sponsor might be helpful. But AA isn't for me. I know Rational Recovery doesn't do sponsors and SMART doesn't either. Other programs I don't know about.

Coldfusion, I'm not currently following any formal program (I was drunk last weekend), but am trying to pick and choose the things that I think will work best to keep me sober. As far as formal programs go, I try to be open minded but tend to agree with author Augusten Burroughs, a recovered alcoholic who writes that all the "books, therapies, and programs--are merely hand-holding. They all strike to accomplish the same thing: to talk you into not drinking." I know--how dare he! But his basic argument is that stopping comes from the alcoholic's desire to stop and nothing else, and most drinkers simply do not want to stop badly enough to actually do it. A harsh truth that nonetheless makes perfect sense to me. I think I have only very recently possibly discovered that I DO want to stop badly enough to do it. I hope I do. There's a lot at stake.

Artsoul, she definitely wants that reassurance, but she also wants to see me making changes that will set me up to stay sober. I'm just not sure the things that will reassure her are things that will actually make a difference to me. She mentioned church tonight as well--she wants me to start going to church. I have no idea how the heck attending church once a week is supposed to keep me sober (I have already prayed for help quitting!), but it would obviously make her feel better.

What she really wants is for me to move home for a year. I would pretty much have to be dragged there.

Thanks for all the responses, guys.

TheEnd

So what do you want? Do you want what's going to keep you sober or do you want to do what will make people happy? If you don't agree with formal program, then figure out what will work best for you and do it. For someone who was drunk last weekend, obviously whatever you are doing isn't working. So I wouldn't be so opposed to trying different things. When you get a handle on sobriety, then you can start making those decisions. Like they say, beggars can't be choosers. Until I learned what sobriety was all about, I was willing try differnt things. AA, therapy, reading, whatever.....call it hand holding if you want, but in early recovery, sometimes that's just what you need.

soberlicious

and I think that's a reasonable request. You don't have to have a formal program, but if it is your sincere desire to quit, then you need to stop putting alcohol in your body. period. There are ways you can learn to accomplish that. Only time with you consistently abstinent will show her that you have changed.
If it is not your sincere desire to quit drinking then you should tell her that.

MeSoSober

"Do you want what's going to keep you sober or do you want to do what will make people happy?"

The End, I don't much care about "people," but I do care for my mother. This is about one tool for getting sober (a sponsor) and one person who knows little about alcoholism and recovery pushing me to use that particular tool of the many out there.

And for what it's worth, I have tried different things -- AA, group therapy, journaling, a lot of reading. Particularly the latter -- I've done a ton of reading in an effort to get a handle on my problem, figure out what generally works and what doesn't, understand all the different approaches and their pros and cons. None of what I've done worked so well, which I believe is because the secret ingredient -- the genuine, 100% desire to quit -- was missing. I was still in that stage of knowing I needed to quit but still not 100% there when it came to WANTING to -- something I think we're all familiar with.

It has literally only been in the last few days--the day I sought out and joined this forum, in fact, that I think maybe the "want" to quit has FINALLY caught up to the "need" to quit. Prior to that moment, I think I could've probably tried every program and rehab treatment center on the planet and none of it would've worked, because when it comes to getting sober, "want" is everything. And that is a difficult place for an alcoholic to get to. If I am actually there, it's taken me a couple of decades and a LOT of heartache -- mine and others'.

I am more open to getting sponsor than I sounded last night, when I was pushing against the idea partly as a reaction to my mother pushing me into it. But AA is not for me. Which is what brought me here to post -- if you think a sponsor might help you but you're not in AA, where does that leave you? I wondered whether anyone here had a sponsor outside of Alcoholics Anonymous and how that worked.

But thanks for responding, The End, and I love your signature. That's where I am right now.

Stride34

MSS

I don't know the background of your relationship or what transpired with your Mom related to your drinking, but generally I would say that this your decision and your sobriety and your Mom shouldn't be pressing that on you unless the circumstances are unusual (i.e you are living in her house or something like that). The vast majority of people in recovery do not have a 'sponsor' nor do they participate in AA. As you said, the desire to be sober is the ultimate key.

Anna

I'm not an AA person, so I can't offer much advice on the sponsor issue.

But, I agree with you completely, that it's the motivation, rather than the program itself that will allow you to succeed. You need to really work at it, on a daily basis, and if you do, you will recover.

Fandy

it sounds as if you are talking about a "Life Coach"....but again this is a form of therapy I think, guidance.

I don't know anything else about this type of help. I used SR and connecting here with people as my support for helping me find my way through. so far so good.....(22 months), but it takes time to figure out what you are comfortable with. Congrats on your first week!!! keep posting and maybe visit other areas of the forum...you might find a good fit in secular.

trikyriky

You are where u need to be. Try talking privately to someone on here you feel comfortable with . Just touch on their name and send them a private message. That worked for me, you can get a little one on one.

MeSoSober

You guys are the BEST. Thank you so much. I really hope I'm right about my desire to quit catching up to my need.

I think reading and posting here, engaging actively with other people in recovery, will be HUGE.

Thank you again.

Fallow

I disagree.

In my understanding being addicted to a substance implies that you cannot quit simply because you WANT to get sober. I found I was addicted when I had a desire to quit and yet found myself drunk or high again. In the Big Book 1st edition p. 34 it says, "this is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." That was my experience. I may have felt I wanted 100 percent to stop at times, but I continued.

In my limited research, it seems that making a DECISION to quit is the first action needed to begin recovery. Making a decision means that drinking or using is no longer an option. That decision is described differently by different programs but its really all the same. After you have decided to quit and stay stopped, there are programs to help with conducting your new sober life if you so choose.

MeSoSober

That leads to the question of how many people who make the DECISION to quit without actually WANTING to are ultimately successful in achieving sobriety. Certainly you can make an effort to quit based on a decision that is not rooted in actual desire, but I question how successful such efforts ultimately are. Perhaps many -- I don't know how much difference decision vs. desire makes.

I think it's an interesting and really valuable discussion, and questions like this are what make me believe I'd be interested in the recovery field even if I were not trying to recover myself.

Thanks for your input, Fallow. I'd be really interested in hearing more opinions on this question!

soberlicious

Well, I sincerely want to be able to run a 10k. Without actually training and doing it, it doesn't matter how much I want it.

Action.

I must use strategies that are going to help me achieve my desired goals. I can learn about those strategies, discuss and debate them, talk about them, visualize myself using them...on and on.

The bottom line is, if I want to realize a goal I better get my butt in gear and actually take some action toward it.

MeSoSober

Except that unlike running a 10k, in the case of quitting drinking, the goal is an INACTION.

In theory, the person who truly wants to quit drinking can "just do it" by merely . . . not drinking. No other action required. This is exactly Burroughs' argument--in his words, "To stop drinking, all you have to do sit."

If you truly WANT it, that is.

soberlicious

LOL, oh yes, I've had this conversation many times...and I agree. It's a semantics game though because choosing not to pour poison down your throat is an act. You are choosing.

So you see, inaction can be considered an action after all.

soberlicious

This would insinuate that one who is trapped in the cycle of addiction, simply does not WANT to quit, or doesn't not WANT it deeply enough. I would disagree. Now certainly many want to continue to use alcohol or drugs and that is their right of course. One is not technically addicted until they decide to quit, but return to drinking/using despite their better judgement. In that case, being educated about addiction can help people back up their desire and actually succeed in quitting.

2granddaughters

Give that a try. Let us know how you made out.

If you can walk away from your affliction that's great.

If you can't, I'll save a seat for you at the AA table.

I used to spend so much time on quantum theories and so little time on work.

All the best.

Bob R