lonelycat

...it will be hard for me to speak out mine without sounding so self-absorbed.

I am in a very bad place now...have been abusing hard drugs as well as prescrption medication for most of my adult life. It started as a way of self medicating from all the pain I had inside myself...but then obviousy it became more. I have tried to kill myself on more than one occassion...maybe I didn't succeed because amongst other things I am a coward. I realise that there is no magic button that you can press to take these addictive impulses away, as well as the gnawing depression I have when I am clean...just looking for some answers...I have no support mechanism so could use the help...please!

Dee74

Hi Lonelycat
Everyone's problems are important here

You'll find a lot of support here...recovery is not always easy, especially in the early days, but it is very very possible

Do you see a Dr for your depression at all?

D

Hevyn

Welcome to SR lonelycat. You don't sound self-absorbed - you sound like someone in a lot of pain who is reaching out. We're here to listen and help if we can. Most of us have felt much better after coming here to share our feelings. I know I felt desperate up until finding SR.

I drank just to be sociable in the beginning, but found myself completely dependent on it. Nothing seemed fun or worthwhile unless I had it in my system. I realize now how ridiculous it was to live that way - I missed out on so much. Using it to cope with life ended up being the worst thing I could have done. SR helped me get up the courage to change my life. I hope it will help you, too. We care.

ericwilson

You are not alone LonelyCat...in fact changing your membership name might start you in the path of togetherness. We all feel (speaking for myself really) depressed, but you are not alone. You are here for a purpose, but alcohol has masked that purpose. I have clinical bipolar disease and can tell you without my professional help with talk therapy and minor subscriptions I don't think I would have even had the courage to come here. I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but didn't stop drinking until last Thursday. For me, I hit rock bottom. It was either stay in bed all day (as I am currently in between jobs) or reach out and deal with what I knew inside was the problem. I read somewhere in another post that we feel so bad about what we have done to ourselves that we mask or hide that feeling with the same method which made us feel this way in the first place. To be honest with you, I'm only on Day 3...its night time...I've had a rough day and I want to drink. But right now, this minute I'm not. Tonight I will not. And that is my magic button. Think now, not tomorrow...think now and love yourself. Remember, you are here for a purpose and only God knows what that is. It will be revealed to you when you remove the mask, face the pain...something I'm doing right now...and just breathe. I'm going to have some Tea, care to join me and the others here online and spend the night not drinking alcohol? Its the best I can offer someone who shares my struggles...which is what this place (SR) is all about.

God Bless,

Eric

lonelycat

Thanks so much for the welcome and the kind words. In response to your question Dee74 I have seen a Doctor about my depression as well as a bunch of psychiatrists/ psychologists as well as cognitive behavioural specialists. Nothing seems to work. Can't black out the past, feel a certain amount of self hatred about things that took place to me and the way I have pushed everybody away thats every tried to get close to me. So the meds don't work from the Doc (and they have all had a real go a prescribing me a bunch), so falling back on the old tried and tested method of dampening your thoughts and dulling the pain seems to be the only option!! Hevyn I hear you when you say nothing seemed fun and worthwhile without your beverage or substance of choice... I find it virtually impossible to be in a social situation without being either drunk or high....I spent the first three years after University taking Amphetamines every day....well that is kind of a lie, I was also mostly on it for the four years I studied as well...truly believing that this drug was making me better, allowing me to study harder, making me so much more social (all of a sudden I could talk to woman and have interesting things to say to them instead of being tongue tied). You get sucked it until you finally realise that the mental problems you had before you started using are now ten times worse....its like a circle with now way out....I am so tired!

Dee74

alcohol can really affect some meds LC - maybe it would be different now you're sober?

D

lonelycat

...' loving yourself' Eric....now that is the hardest thing to do for me....

lonelycat

Hey D....that is a fair point....after most sessions I would need the alcohol to knock me out...give me some blessed rest. I hope I get to the point where I can give the medication the chance it deserves, in an ernvironment that it is designed for....no use takung your medication once every 3 days when you wake up on the floor of a squat.....

ericwilson

I hear you LC, I have the same problem. I love everyone else but me it seems. Coming here I believe is the first step to showing myself some love. Sorry if it sounded stupid.

lonelycat

No, not at all....you are putting yourself first and making sure that you attempt to take care of yourself, which is admirable. I am here because I have nowhere else to go and I believe there will be people who will at least understand me on SR....there must be people who can walk me out of the darkness that engulfs me now into the light (sounds very cheesy), but don't really want or even know how to articulate the way that I am truly feeling right now.....

lonelycat

....I even feel wrong for bringing up my stuff infront you anonymous friends...I am so inconsiquential.......Just want to curl up and sleep forever....dear god just grant me this wish!!!

2granddaughters

Hello lonelycat:

I know exactly how you feel.

I remember telling my AA sponsor that I was suicidal and he said "I was too ... it takes a little time to get over it but you will". He wasn't concerned, he had been there and come back.

I thought that AA was a bunch of no-drinking cultists who would try to brainwash me (my mind did need washing but that is another story).

The AA oldtimers turned out to be the most understanding group of folks who had been through just what I had and were willing to tell me how they recovered.

They were not only sober but overcoming their fears/anxieties/depressions/defects and shortcomings which made them prone to drink in the first place.

I feel your pain. I truly have been there.

It is not over. It could be just the beginning of a new life. I didn't think I'd see 1990 and here we are in 2013.

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

Lonelycat - each of us is unique...noone is inconsequential.

Please do read this link - there's some really useful reading here...and some crisis numbers - if you ever feel you need them

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

D

lonelycat

Thank you guys....it is Monday morning and I am at work feeling a little more positive about things.....thanks for all the kindness!