my3sonsnme

Parenting in itself is a unbelievably difficult full time job...

Parenting with an A is....well...I guess you really don't parent WITH an A, they kind of sit on the side lines and watch, if your lucky.

I need some shares...Recovery does not always look like what we think it will. From everything Ive read on this board recovery usually causes one to stop and look at behaviors and such that you have managed to ignore for far to long.
All I know is the feelings and confusion I have gone threw in the last 18 months has been, at times, unbearable. So I can only imagine what it has been like for my kids.
Here is my "trail of tears" I guess you can call it.....and Im going to be brutally honest here probably for the first time in my life...
My first son R, is now 29...He is from my first marriage at 19, high school boyfriend of 2 yrs. Got pregnant because I was stupid, His parents and my single mother (Dad left my Mother when I was 2 with 6 kids and never came back..never saw him again, just found out he died in 2007 about 2 months ago) decided we should get married so we did. That lasted 2 1/2 yrs. moved back in with mother with a 2.5 yr old. That x became an addict after I left, died from heart failure about 3 yrs ago due to drugs and never had a relationship with our son.


which leads us to mistake #2. Met him shortly after x#1. Dated for 7 yrs...physically, verbally, emotionally abusive. off and on relationship the whole 7 yrs ..just your basic everyday crazy. This is the hard part...I got pregnant on purpose with son #2..Ive never admitted that...to keep him with me. Son #2 was physically abused in a daycare (shaken baby syndrome) at the age of 6 months. That woke me up so I thought...I realized I needed to grow up and my son was going to need me 100%. I didn't have time for this craziness with X#2 anymore. we split....moved back in with mother again with 2 kids now.

Dedicate my life to my kids...son #2 was left with moderate to sever disabilities..legally blind, cerebral palsy, developmentally delays. He is now 22.
I have been his advocate and fought for everything he needed and made sure he was in the programs he needed all threw school.
When he was 2.5 yrs I met now STBXAH...I was not interested in a relationship. I was focusing on my 2 sons. We met at a club that I was working at since I could only work on weekends. during the week my son had appt. with doctors, physical therapy, surgeries....It was my life. We became friends and he started going to apt with me...he loved my kids..I was enthralled with how maybe this man actually loves my kids like I do and would raise them with me. He asked me to marry him 2 months after we met and I said yes!!!..WTH??!!
We moved in together...we got married 7 months later. He went to every meeting, doc. appt. He sat in the waiting room with me at every surgery. He was the father my oldest never had. He participated in Special Olympics with son #2 and taught him to tie his shoes with one hand. (son #2 has no use of his right side) He raised those kids like his own all while actively drinking.
son #3 comes after 3 yrs of marriage..we planned him, we were a "normal" couple who had been married for 3 yrs and now were having a child. for the first time I felt like a normal "good" person. I was so proud.

Fast forward 12 yrs later....I move out, cant handle the drinking anymore and the complete lack of involvement with me and the kids. I am a single mother while married to who I thought was my life partner.
He gets help.."doesn't want to lose his family"....goes into recovery with a vengeance AA the whole deal..For a year he is the perfect father husband I always wanted while we lived seperately....I am bitter and basically none supportive..ive seen and heard it all before, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But still hoping for the fantasy..yeah I know..really twisted and confusing.
He starts an affair...(well of course he did) I catch him, he wants divorce and leaves said family for her. (I know..well what did I expect, I wasn't there for him)

He has not spoken to, asked about, or seen my older sons in almost 2 years. Like they never exsisted. Has minimal at best relationship with our son together who is now 16. His parenting skills are nothing like they were while we raised my older sons together. He has become everything we use to complain about my 2xs were. Who is this person? He is angry and bitter to me...I guess because I was not there while he started his recovery although he has never said that. He blames me for everything that went wrong in our marriage. He has looked me in the face while I was crying and said "well if you would have been more like this before we wouldn't be where we are right now"...the fact that I lived with him for 15 yrs before I had to leave because he refused to stop drinking does not factor in I guess.
So in writing this I realize that my life has come full circle. Now I look at what I did to contribute to this mess. How my codependent crap got me where I am and I have to get myself out of it. How maybe, just maybe..Im so hurt by all of this because Im scared that after being with me for 17 years and drinking and being emotionally unavailable, that he is now this perfect sober person for her and why couldn't he be for me??!!
and wait a minute!!!!..he was mine, broken and screwed up but still mine!!!
and what??!!..you, broken screwed up alcoholic, don't want to be with ME??!!..how dare you...and what does that say about me? and of course there is the ever rational "well I didn't want him, but you cant have him after all the work I put into this"
yeah...lots of work to be done here...
be gentle...this is probably the closest to honest I have been with myself in my life.
This started out about Raising kids with an A, and turned into "check yourself girl...you got some work to do"

AnvilheadII

wow - ok, deep breaths. you just climbed a mountain. the air is thin and you must be exhausted!!!! once you have rested, you can then see how the "view" has changed. you have much more courage than you know!

Recovering2

First of all, give yourself a LOT of credit for being a steadfast Mother to your boys through all of this. Sounds like they have a great Mom. They are all old enough now that you don't really need the A to parent, do you?

The rest of it, you ask us to be gentle. But first be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are all normal at this point. It's great that you're getting them out, and not pushing them down. Are you in AlAnon? If not, I would suggest you find a group near you and start attending. It's time invested in you, and it will help you through this process.

Maybe try to do something simple for yourself today. Go to a book store, just sit and read for awhile. Find one that has a coffee shop attached! Or simply go for a walk, get out in the fresh air for 30 minutes. Put a radio in the bathroom, and take a hot bath while listening to music. Something just for you. You're worth it.

You have more courage than you know.

EnglishGarden

It did take a lot of courage to tell your story as truthfully as you did. Welcome to our forum. Many of us here have very similar stories--histories of multiple failed relationships and -- very significantly --a history of childhood abandonment or neglect, which, in my view, is the wound which set the course of what would follow.

So much of what you describe is a story of things which were beyond your control: the father who abandoned you (twice: when you were a toddler and again when he died before you resolved anything with him); the assault on your baby which altered the course of your life; the addictions of your partners; and the affair your dishonest so-called-recovering spouse initiated. All these things brought devastation or disruption to your life and all these events were completely beyond your control. You did not cause them and your shame of today should not come from any place of self-blame for their occurrence.

We permit ourselves to be used and abused because there is a deeply buried part of us which believes we are not worthy of better. That is the issue for which we must take personal responsibility. It will never be healed or solved by anyone else but ourselves. It will not be cured by romance, or by parenthood, or by career success, or by anything which is outside ourselves. This is deep inner work calling to us, asking for our attention.And if our relationships continue a pattern of destruction and devastation, if we still struggle with believing that we are so unlovable that the abuse of the alcoholic partner is deserved, then that is a clear sign that this deep wound we have been carrying with us for decades has not been attended to with conviction and commitment.

If you cannot afford therapy, then the alternate path can be working with a seasoned Al-Anon sponsor. Someone with long recovery experience, someone with successful life relationships today, someone with more life experience. Working with that person in a 12 Step program, one on one, weekly, using the Steps and the workbook titled "Blueprint for Progress" will put you on a path of healing the deep unconscious wounds which have influenced your every decision and every thought.

This self- focus will also bring the added benefit of allowing your relationship with your children more freedom, allowing them to be relieved of the unconscious worry they have about you (and they do have that worry, it is what children feel when a parent is in trauma). And the relationship you build with a sponsor or with a counselor will also be an excellent training ground to prepare you for what you really deserve in your life: relationships--of all kinds, not just romantic--which are about mutual regard, mutual concern, mutual support, and--so important--which allow you to be truly yourself, to be accepted and loved for who you are and not for what you might serve up or whether you can be exploited in some way. Relationships which are not about domination and not about rescuing, but are about equality and love.

You are not defined by your sick STBXAH. Do not allow a dysfunctional and self-centered man to define who you are, what you are, for you were made to be a beautiful child on this earth, to blossom into someone unique and lovely, and to receive love and give love without punishment or pain. If he does not honor you, does not honor the marriage and the family, then he is unworthy of you. Let him go. Life has something better planned.

Get yourself into a healing relationship with a counselor or sponsor and change your life from the inside out. Your higher power will walk the path with you and miracles can happen.

LexieCat

Everything EG said. Yes, we all had a part in the paths our lives have taken, but part of the recovery is sorting out whose is what, cleaning up our own messes, and moving ahead with new vision.

This can happen for you! Please try some of the suggestions EG put out there.

my3sonsnme

I have been going to an Al Anon group for the past year or so and have been in therapy since before I left my STBXAH. When the affair came to light and the way he completely cut off myself and my 2 older sons, that's when I realized the issues with the whole abandonment by my father.
I honestly had never thought about it before...its funny that just after I found out about STBXAHs affair, I found out info about my fathers death..before then I knew nothing about him but his name and that's is only because I have a brother who is a Jr.
The reaction I had to my A was to put it mildly, terrifiying. I completely broke down, I have always been a pretty strong minded, independent person and I think it even shocked my A how I reacted. Now I know that it was directly related to my abandonment issues that I had never dealt with.
being easy on myself today, doing a lot of reflecting. going for a run because it makes me happy when I do. I may even paint my nails..
Thank you for reading and not judging...thank you for making me feel like there is hope.

my3sonsnme

just to clearify...I meant the reaction I had to my As affair...

EnglishGarden

I'm very glad to know you are walking the path of self-reflection. It takes quite a long time to change the automatic unconscious thinking we have inscribed in our minds. I have been in Al-Anon and in therapy for many years and I still struggle with profound issues relating to self-worth when I am hurt by a destructive man. It awakens in me the desperation I felt when I was a child that my parents not leave me.

But if we do not stop our inner work when we have spells of suddenly feeling great or somebody new comes along who makes us feel giddy and inspired or we are just too busy with daily activities we say claim every minute of our time....if we continue our inner work because we know it is so vital to our future lives, then gradually we begin to change. If we are not in the presence of healthy people on a regular basis and if we are not monitoring our thinking and behaviors, we can quickly regress to the old patterns of self-doubt, submission, and shame.

I hope you will give yourself all the necessary attention so you can rebuild a new, healthier life. Many of us here are on that path, too.

LifeRecovery

I am so glad you got that all out.

I don't always like the lessons I have been faced with in the past few years, but I have appreciated the learnings. My exAH's affair is what got me healing my ways in relationships, I have realized so much from my childhood that I just could not access before.

I know that for me as hard as the feeling all of the emotions was it was the begining of the healing. I am so glad you started that journey, it has been hard but worth it for me.

dandylion

Dear my3sons, thanks for sharing your "story" so honestly with us. I estimate that every part of your story is shared by someone--or many someones--on this forum.

Take it easy on yourself, as I can hear the guilt, blame and shame woven into your post. I have struggled with the same thing! You are human and so many factors in your life WERE out of your control. (insert Serenity Prayer here).

I am so glad you came here. You are among those who understand and are here for you---because you are worth it.

sincerely, dandylion

my3sonsnme

Thanks for listening and for the support...I don't have a lot of that right now. Since the divorce started I have lost a lot of friends. that thing about people thinking its contagious or something is true...the flee like there in a house on fire.

My youngest son, my 22yr old and I are planning a move out of state to be closer to my family. I really need the support right now and so does my son. He has never had family close to him. most of my family moved away when I was pregnant and my STBXRAHs family is all out of state also so he doesn't really know them. He is fed up with waiting for his father to "man up" as he says. He says he is "tired of him disrespecting everything around him" and when I spoke to his dad about it he didn't really have an opinion and said we should do what we need to do...so I am working out the details now and hope to be out of here by the end of next month or at the latest by the beginning of summer. Hard to believe that just 18 months ago he couldn't live with out seeing his son every day and missed his family so badly..now since he has been in this relationship he could care less if his son is moving 5 states away...that is mind boggeling to me.

I can hardly wait..even my therapist said she normally does not recommend a huge life change like that but in my case she thinks that starting over would be a good thing...for me AND my sons.