Step I (updated 3.9.13 @ 10:30 AM)
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Step I (updated 3.9.13 @ 10:30 AM) Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
3.9.2013: I'm not there. It's hard to imagine ever being there. I still maintain that most of what happened to me in my childhood home (physical, sexual, and emotional abuse) was of my own doing; if I had just been better, if I had acted differently, et cetera, my parents wouldn't have done those things to me. Control must be a comforting illusion for a child who is, in reality, absolutely powerless over what is being done to her. But I never saw myself as powerless. (I even called Child Protective Services myself.) If I come to accept that I cannot control another's behavior, I'd have to give up a lot of what kept me from feeling "unsafe" at home: that I was in control of it.
For the first few years of my only relationship, I was pretty good at separating what was his stuff and what was mine, and I was pretty good at knowing that I didn't cause certain behaviors of his (his drinking, smoking, and unacceptable expressions of anger, for instance). Over the past year and a half, that has grown very blurry for me, and I do, to an extent, hold myself responsible for it.
I have always tried to control others, and I have always perceived myself as hugely manipulative. The biggest way that comes to mind is this: I was a very happy child in my younger days, but I knew something was wrong at home, but I didn't have scars and bruises for anyone to notice. I wanted so desperately to be rescued from that bad situation. I used to behave in ways that I hoped would be interpreted by my teacher and counselors as depression, so that they might pay attention and help me. For instance, I sulked a lot, kept my head down on my desk, and so on. I had no idea how to ask for help... or even what exactly was wrong in my house, I just knew I wanted someone to save me from that place, and I thought these behaviors would garner the desired responses in those around me.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
3.9.2013: I don't seem to do that very well at all.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
3.9.2013: Yes and no. If it's a disease, why do we approach it with a spiritual program? If someone had a brain tumor altering their behavior, I wouldn't necessarily expect an apology for that behavior; s/he couldn't help it. If addiction is a disease, why is part of one of the most popular programs involve things like "making amends"? Please help me understand.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
3.9.2013: All the time. And it's never very effective. The consequence for myself is a lot of frustration.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
3.9.2013: Acting depressed when I wasn't. (And then I really was, and it sucked.) With my partner (who attends NA), I have tried just asking for the things I need, but we seem to get into a power struggle with it.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
3.9.2013: I question whether my needs are healthy needs, or just the product of a screwed up childhood, and thus needs I wouldn't have in the first place if I worked on those issues. I want--crave--physical affection. He withholds it. He wants a cleaner house, somewhere for him to come to that's calm, and he's given me anything but calm, and I withhold his desires as well.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
3.9.2013: I would maybe see that he's responsible for his own behavior.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Sometimes. And no, probably not.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
3.9.2013: I'm not there. It's hard to imagine ever being there. I still maintain that most of what happened to me in my childhood home (physical, sexual, and emotional abuse) was of my own doing; if I had just been better, if I had acted differently, et cetera, my parents wouldn't have done those things to me. Control must be a comforting illusion for a child who is, in reality, absolutely powerless over what is being done to her. But I never saw myself as powerless. (I even called Child Protective Services myself.) If I come to accept that I cannot control another's behavior, I'd have to give up a lot of what kept me from feeling "unsafe" at home: that I was in control of it.
For the first few years of my only relationship, I was pretty good at separating what was his stuff and what was mine, and I was pretty good at knowing that I didn't cause certain behaviors of his (his drinking, smoking, and unacceptable expressions of anger, for instance). Over the past year and a half, that has grown very blurry for me, and I do, to an extent, hold myself responsible for it.
I have always tried to control others, and I have always perceived myself as hugely manipulative. The biggest way that comes to mind is this: I was a very happy child in my younger days, but I knew something was wrong at home, but I didn't have scars and bruises for anyone to notice. I wanted so desperately to be rescued from that bad situation. I used to behave in ways that I hoped would be interpreted by my teacher and counselors as depression, so that they might pay attention and help me. For instance, I sulked a lot, kept my head down on my desk, and so on. I had no idea how to ask for help... or even what exactly was wrong in my house, I just knew I wanted someone to save me from that place, and I thought these behaviors would garner the desired responses in those around me.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
3.9.2013: I don't seem to do that very well at all.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
3.9.2013: Yes and no. If it's a disease, why do we approach it with a spiritual program? If someone had a brain tumor altering their behavior, I wouldn't necessarily expect an apology for that behavior; s/he couldn't help it. If addiction is a disease, why is part of one of the most popular programs involve things like "making amends"? Please help me understand.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
3.9.2013: All the time. And it's never very effective. The consequence for myself is a lot of frustration.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
3.9.2013: Acting depressed when I wasn't. (And then I really was, and it sucked.) With my partner (who attends NA), I have tried just asking for the things I need, but we seem to get into a power struggle with it.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
3.9.2013: I question whether my needs are healthy needs, or just the product of a screwed up childhood, and thus needs I wouldn't have in the first place if I worked on those issues. I want--crave--physical affection. He withholds it. He wants a cleaner house, somewhere for him to come to that's calm, and he's given me anything but calm, and I withhold his desires as well.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
3.9.2013: I would maybe see that he's responsible for his own behavior.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Sometimes. And no, probably not.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
darn, I was hoping to continuously edit the original thread.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Still tough. My AEXBF blamed me for his straying the other night. For the most part, I don't take responsibility for how much he screwed up our relationship. But it's hard when he points out this one little thing that I didn't clean that caused him to stray. Sounds pretty unbelievable. One little mistake on my part and he's suddenly not going to call it off with the other woman?
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Still tough. My AEXBF blamed me for his straying the other night. For the most part, I don't take responsibility for how much he screwed up our relationship. But it's hard when he points out this one little thing that I didn't clean that caused him to stray. Sounds pretty unbelievable. One little mistake on my part and he's suddenly not going to call it off with the other woman?
Last edited by arabhorseluvr; 03-11-2013 at 06:45 AM. Reason: bolding
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