peridotbleu

I have posted several threads w/r/t/ my AH. I want to talk to him when he wakes up but not sure how. He doesnt work on Fridays, he sneaks and drinks and denies to me when I get home. He is buzzing and tries to go to movies with me or work out with me - yada, yada...
I am ready to talk to him today when he gets up - how am I going to let him know that I am tired of all the lies and deceit without making him mad? I was thinking about just asking him does he want to stay married like this - wouldnt he rather be able to drink when he wants and not have to hide it - wouldnt he rather be able to beer in his refrigerator instead of having to buy the big ICE beers and drink them before I get home...I know I should just be able to say I am done and walk away, but I really dont want to argue or make him mad and him rant and rave - He has got to be tired of the sneaking as well - right???
Please help me know how to talk to him without stirring up a hornets nest - I just want out - safely!!!!

Katiekate

Are you afraid he will hurt you???

peridotbleu

I would just leave if I wasn't so afraid of him. He can be a real bully! He's never hit me, but has come real close. I really think that if I can make him think that me leaving would be HIS suggestion then I can get out with less chaos! Is that wrong? He has to be miserable - but with his pay scale, (usually about every 90 days) Maybe he keeps me for financial reasons?

peridotbleu

He makes good money, its just not very often, and my paycheck covers the bills, and his keeps us afloat once it comes in.

peridotbleu

I really dont know if he would hurt me or not - I know if I come at him with demands or if I act like I am in control, that is usually when he bullies me.

Katiekate

Honey, don't talk to him.

I think you need to settle down a bit and breath.

If you are afraid he will hurt you, he probably will.

I think it would be better if you come up with a plan to leave when he is not around and deal with the rest later.

It is just not a good idea to put yourself in the line of fire with someone who is prone to rage.

How bout coming up with a different plan.

We are here, we care, please keep posting.

Katiekate

Don't risk it.

peridotbleu

I would be afraid to come back once I leave. And the issues with me leaving is he works out of town a lot and we have 2 dogs and 2 cats to tend to. If I just leave who will take care of my animals while he is away - I would be scared to stay here once I tell him I am leaving.

peridotbleu

then maybe i should just wait. he will be up any time now

Taking5

The idea of leaving is to never come back. Take the animals with you, or find a home for them. Get all your plans made, where you are going, where the animals are going, etc. - and leave.

Katiekate

Do you have family near by.

Katiekate

Yes please wait.

Make sure you clear your browsing history on your computer.

peridotbleu

I do have family near by. I need a plan - it would be so much easier for me to just stay and him leave, but I have more options of places to stay - I just wish I could make this his or at least a mutual decision for us to separate. He has already chosen alcohol over me - but he is happy like this I guess! I do not like making people angry!
thanks for your input. will be back on as I can!

LexieCat

It's a little unrealistic to think you are going to get him on board with the idea of separating. Alcoholics want their beer and to drink it too. HE'S ok with how things are (or he would have left, himself), and your leaving would rock his boat.

If you are sure you want to leave, yes, you need to plan very carefully. I quietly gathered up all the things that were MOST important to me, copied any paperwork, etc., that I needed, and left all that stuff with a friend. When the day came to leave it was easy to make a quick, clean exit. I stayed a few days at a motel, and another week or so with my brother, during which time I found a small apartment.

You can do it, but you must be very smart about it. You might want to call your DV hotline and speak to a counselor about safety planning.

Hugs,

dandylion

Dear unhappyspouse, I would echo the things that LexieCat just posted.

Yes, the idea of leaving is to never come back, as Taking5 said.

The local domestic violence organization is there for the purpose of helping you with this. Also, they have knowledge of where all the resources are. Please talk to them. There are also good websites to advise you of how to proceed. They mention many important things to consider which we might not think of!!

Smart and careful planning is the key to getting out smoothly and SAFELY.

Be careful to behave as normally as you usually do. Do not make any changes in your behavior that might give him suspicion that something is up!

I don't think talking to him about this is a good idea. As Lexie said---it is very unrealistic to think that he is going to be o n board with this move. You have to assume that he won't like it and make sure that when you make the break that it is for good.

Of course, we are here for you. Post as often as you need.

sincerely, dandylion

redatlanta

Its not as hard as you think. You make a plan and you go and never look back. Wanting you two to sit down and have a discussion about it and come to a mutual agreement is wishful thinking - its not going to happen.

Leave him to his own devices and while he his busy getting tanked you be busy getting the hell out of there. At the very least for now you should have a plan to get out of the house with your kids if he were to get crazy on you. Stashing some cash, copies of car keys outside of the house, a cell phone and a bag packed in the trunk of the car - idea being that if you had to walk out with nothing you could.

Living with a person you fear is no way to live, not for you or your children. Please take care of yourself and them and be SAFE!

peridotbleu

All is fine - I took your advice and havent said anything. Thank you for all the advice - I appreciate you all!