NMSweetie

Well, my boyfriend (who has multiple addictions) finished his stay in a one month inpatient rehab facility about a month ago. He is living with his Mom 200 miles away, starting looking for and attending meetings on occasion, and even started taking a class at a community college. We have seen each other twice for 2-3 days in the last month, and things have been different, to say the least.

Communication is tough and I took everyone's advice and tried not to 'expect anything'. I let him take the lead and talk about things he wants to talk about and just listened. The problem? He never wants to talk about ANYTHING of substance. I want to know what he is thinking, feeling---does he have cravings? How does he feel he is a different person? Is he sad? Mad? Lonely? Frustrated? I have NO clue. But I know what he had for lunch and dinner, what the weather was like today, what game they played after dinner, what snacks he bought at the store. All surface talk. I told him that I am unsure if me/our relationship can co-exist in his recovery plan. It has been TOUGH---not going to lie. I want things and need things from a boyfriend---communication, conversation, friendship, love, to feel like I am an important part of his life. And these are all things he cannot provide for me right now. And I get it! He needs to put himself and his recovery first. But I feel like I am getting NOTHING.

The few times he has opened up, he says he is frustrated because he can't get any alone time, he is stressed, he has no friends, etc. In my head, I understand he has no coping skills but I want to just scream. He has someone cooking for him, cleaning for him, paying for his clothes, car repairs, dinners out, no house bills, paying for his school and giving him these opportunities to get better that will allow him to have a better future. And all he can do is complain about it and go into self pity mode! I have seen members of my family live under bridges as a kid due to their alcoholism and family adandoning them. All I want to yell at him is 'Do you know how lucky you are?!?' Obviously he doesn't. He also said that he needed to see an outpatient counselor to determine if he had PTSD. When I asked 'from what?' He said 'life'. Wow. I understood my grandfather had PTSD due to fighting in WWII and getting his fingers shot off, but an alcoholic having PTSD from LIFE? Wow.

It is hard because he just seems ungrateful for everything those around him have done to get him through this. I wish I could understand his perspective but I am more lost than I ever have been.

laurie6781

Take some deep breathes. He has no clue either at this point in his recovery. I can still remember that my brain felt like 'mush' and full of fog until about 6 months.

All rehab did was give him 'tools'. 'Tools' that he can use to build a sober life. Now it is his choice whether to really work on his recovery or not. Listen to his ACTIONS not his words. Does he have a sponsor? Is he working the steps?

If he is not forthcoming at this time, it does not mean that he isn't working on his recovery. I remember so well, and I see it in those I sponsor, that those first months of actually starting to look within one's self is many times a very 'private' thing as the alkie starts to figure out exactly who they are.

How about trying some Alanon or some one on one counseling to learn how to figure out your boundaries, set your boundaries, and work the program you would like to see him work.

If your boyfriend sticks with his recovery and works on himself this year is going to be a very 'rough' year for both of you, but it can be done.

Sounds like what is really bugging you is he not meeting your 'expectations' of him. NO right now he probably is not expressing any gratitude YET. Each of us, that do find recovery, recovery at our own speed, not someone else's and it can be slow.

It took me until I was 6 months, before I could actually read a sentence, get to the end of it and actually be able to tell you what that sentence said. Before then I just could not do it, and I am no dummy, I have an IQ that is quite high. But, the alcohol and drugs had so fried my brain, that it took quite some time to start to build new pathways for the ones that were fried.

Right now that is probably totally and completely TRUE. At this stage of his recovery he is really not able to meet your 'needs.' He is having a rough time just meeting his own 'needs' because he doesn't even know what those are yet.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. I commend you for wanting to be supportive of your boyfriend, but sometimes the only support we can give, is an 'atta boy' or 'atta girl' and continue to step back, watch the actions, and work our own program.

Love and hugs,

Ann

Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More and Language of Letting Go (wonderful books if you haven't read them) once said something that has always stuck with me. She said "Nothing is more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give."

He is in early recovery and is only now beginning to learn about himself. Sharing how he feels with you is impossible, because he doesn't know what he feels right now.

Let your eyes and his actions give you your cue. He needs space to work his program and if you cramp that space with your demands or frustration he will not be able to process all the healing he needs to do right now.

This is a good time to give him some space and find your own recovery. Have you tried any meetings yet? If not, why not start today?

Hugs

Kindeyes

One of the things that he will learn is how to be "normal" and talk about the mundane things in life. The things you want to talk about may irritate nerves that are very raw. Yes. You have needs but sometimes we have to learn that one person can't meet all of those needs. Sometimes we need to reach out to others who can fulfill some of those needs.

It sounds like you want intimacy. I'm not talking physical intimacy....I'm talking emotional intimacy. You may have to substitute a dear friend or relative for that intimacy for a while. And that's ok.

Expecting more than he is able to give can leave you feeling angry and resentful. I find that concentrating on myself helps me to maintain a healthy focus on that which I can control.

gentle hugs
ke

AnvilheadII

I want to know what he is thinking, feeling---does he have cravings? How does he feel he is a different person? Is he sad? Mad? Lonely? Frustrated? I have NO clue.

i bet he doesn't have a clue yet either. some people just don't talk openly about that stuff. my husband is like that. he keeps his internal world to himself. newly detoxed people hardly know up from down.

I want things and need things from a boyfriend---communication, conversation, friendship, love, to feel like I am an important part of his life. And these are all things he cannot provide for me right now. And I get it!

if you truly GET that then let him be, give time time, and see what happens. you can't make him BE the boyfriend you want, you can only watch the person he grows into and see if you like him AS IS.

Lily1918

My BF is about 2 months sober, and he is not good at emotional intimacy either. We are more like friends than lovers. We talk about the weather, our days, mundane stuff. we only see each other a few times a month, and don't talk on the phone. He is in an extended inpatient program. I think this is normal and shared it with my counsellor. She said that all relationships go through this, even healthy ones. What happens when the romance fades? She said that two partners should always be friends first.