Enabling & Rescuing vs Tough Love
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Enabling & Rescuing vs Tough Love
Enabling & Rescuing vs Tough Love
By Robert Burney
"We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.
Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people - unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary."
"We live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth.
In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")
What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family."
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling; spending; eating disorders; sexual or relationship addictions; inability to hold a job; etc.
Codependency recovery is in one sense growing up. As long as we are caught in unconscious reaction to our childhood wounding we cannot become mature responsible adults capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships. The person who is caught up in self destructive compulsive/addictive behavior patterns behaves in an immature and irresponsible manner.
[As I note often in my writing, codependency involves extremes of behavior. The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum - usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality. At the other extreme, is the codependent who is over responsible and/or other focused - and can appear to be very mature and successful, with no need of being rescued. This is often the adult who as a child was being the parent in the family - rescuing and taking care of their own immature parents from a very young age. The family hero or caretaker who defines themselves by external accomplishments, popularity, possessions, superiority to others, etc. This person can be a workaholic, or exercise/health fanatic, or religion addict, or a professional caretaker (therapist, nurse, etc.), or "kind hearted" martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the "wronged" victim) - some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria. The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry - and are dysfunctional codependent measures of worth based upon comparison to, upon feeling superior to, other people. These varieties of codependency are not capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships either.]
A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.
I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd. I have now been clean and sober for over 18 years. The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time.
An intervention is a confrontation of self destructive behavior by the addicts loved ones. It is often professionally facilitated - although that is not a necessary requirement. It involves the family and friends of an alcoholic/addict confronting the self destructive behavior and setting boundaries with the person. It is sometimes described as an example of "tough love."
Tough love is a misnomer. Love that does not include boundaries is not Truly Love - it is enmeshment, it is emotional vampirism. If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behavior of others than I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner. Rescuing another from their own self destructive behavior is not Loving - and it is codependently dishonest.
When we are reacting out of our codependency, unconsciously reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming, then we are not capable of being honest with ourselves or others. A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves. They are being selfish - which is human and normal - but they are doing it dishonestly by telling themselves they are doing it for the other person. This is a set up to feel victimized - and to abuse and shame the child/loved one for their behavior. "How can you do this to me after all I have done for you?"
One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary. To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.
Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving.
By Robert Burney
"We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.
Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people - unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary."
"We live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth.
In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")
What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family."
(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling; spending; eating disorders; sexual or relationship addictions; inability to hold a job; etc.
Codependency recovery is in one sense growing up. As long as we are caught in unconscious reaction to our childhood wounding we cannot become mature responsible adults capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships. The person who is caught up in self destructive compulsive/addictive behavior patterns behaves in an immature and irresponsible manner.
[As I note often in my writing, codependency involves extremes of behavior. The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum - usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality. At the other extreme, is the codependent who is over responsible and/or other focused - and can appear to be very mature and successful, with no need of being rescued. This is often the adult who as a child was being the parent in the family - rescuing and taking care of their own immature parents from a very young age. The family hero or caretaker who defines themselves by external accomplishments, popularity, possessions, superiority to others, etc. This person can be a workaholic, or exercise/health fanatic, or religion addict, or a professional caretaker (therapist, nurse, etc.), or "kind hearted" martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the "wronged" victim) - some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria. The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry - and are dysfunctional codependent measures of worth based upon comparison to, upon feeling superior to, other people. These varieties of codependency are not capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships either.]
A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.
I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd. I have now been clean and sober for over 18 years. The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time.
An intervention is a confrontation of self destructive behavior by the addicts loved ones. It is often professionally facilitated - although that is not a necessary requirement. It involves the family and friends of an alcoholic/addict confronting the self destructive behavior and setting boundaries with the person. It is sometimes described as an example of "tough love."
Tough love is a misnomer. Love that does not include boundaries is not Truly Love - it is enmeshment, it is emotional vampirism. If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behavior of others than I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner. Rescuing another from their own self destructive behavior is not Loving - and it is codependently dishonest.
When we are reacting out of our codependency, unconsciously reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming, then we are not capable of being honest with ourselves or others. A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves. They are being selfish - which is human and normal - but they are doing it dishonestly by telling themselves they are doing it for the other person. This is a set up to feel victimized - and to abuse and shame the child/loved one for their behavior. "How can you do this to me after all I have done for you?"
One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary. To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.
Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving.
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this is an awesome reading. I am the childish style codie, and my sister is the over achieving one. strange how we both reacted differently to the same environment, but she did have to shoulder taking care of me when I was a kid, cuz she's 14 years older than me :/
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
hearted" martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the "wronged" victim) - some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria. The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry .
I feel the key to my happiness lies in learning on how to undo some of the lessons I learned in childhood. I feel like I've done that to an extent, but still have a long way to go. Thanks for the share!
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i was an only child of a single mom...i got to play ALL the roles! i think i've finally just settled on the 2 or 3 that do the least damage, to me and others!!! LOL i'm a chronic incomplete perfectionist with over responsible tendancies mixed with a good dash of rebellion and desire to escape. 
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A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves.
Thanks for sharing! This was really good!
Hugs
ke
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A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves.
BAM! What Kindeyes said.
All my life I have tried to save those I love. My father died when I was 6, of cancer. Nobody told me he would die, nobody told me that cancer kills (this was 1956), so I thought if I was just his little nurse and made sure he took his medication and if I kept him entertained playing cards with him when he was bedridden...that he would get well. I felt like a failure when he died, as if I hadn't loved him "enough". I had let my father die because I didn't try hard enough...so I thought.
My mother was almost murdered when I was 7, a freak thing when a mentally ill stranger got into our basement and attacked her with the blunt end of an axe when she went downstairs to check "the monster' I said I had seen (he wore a pirate's mask). By the grace of God she escaped and grabbed me and we ran to a neighbour's house...but I will always remember my mother telling me that what saved her was knowing I was there and that he would get me too. I had saved my mother!!! Now I was getting the hang of this...or not...but it confirmed that I had the "power" even at 7 years old.
I spent the rest of my life trying to save those I loved. My son's addiction was the last straw, the big finale of codependency.
The paragraph I quoted here is exactly what my codependency is all about. I cannot bear the pain of seeing someone I love hurt. I'd rather hurt for them. Recovery has taught me that I cannot. Life doesn't work that way. So instead I replaced anger with compassion, resentment with forgiveness, and gave my son the privilege of living his own life and making his own choices no matter how bad they might be.
Anvilhead, I woke up "needy" this morning, I have been too busy to work my recovery every day and feel the void. I needed to read this, I need to take this weekend to meditate and wrap myself in nature and peace. Thank you for bringing this here for me to read and remember.
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Thanks for the helpful thread.
Amen to that.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.
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I cannot bear the pain of seeing someone I love hurt. I'd rather hurt for them.
And I've done it all my life too. As a child, my Dad spanked us with a board. I hated hearing that board hitting my brothers and their cries of pain. I would take the blame so that I would get spanked instead of them.....I could deal with my own pain better than I could deal with the pain of hearing that WHACK WHACK WHACK and my brothers crying. Yup......codependent from a very young age.
Ann, I'm so sorry you lost your Dad at such a tender age. The story of the scary boogie man though........that one got me! I was always afraid of the boogie man but I never got to see him. You did and that is truly frightening!
gentle hugs
ke
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Ann, that was the very paragraph that hit me over the head so badly. My daughter is mentally ill, and has done some truly horrible things in her 18 years. Since she is my child, and also ill, I struggle with how codependent I can "allow" myself to be. Its a never ending battle I have with myself daily 
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Originally Posted by bluebelle
Wow, That's interesting stuff. I was definitely the adult in my family, and have prided myself in never getting angry--or, at least I used to. I've asked my HP to help me feel all of my emotions, and I've been feeling anger more recently. It's a strange emotion that I'm not used to. It's funny, because when I see these codependent descriptions, I've seen the super responsible example, but not described in this way. I also definitely avoid conflict, but never thought of it as being controlling. I'm not even sure how to wrap my head around that, yet. I guess I control people by maintaining calm. Isn't there a certain amount of control that we want to exert in our world? I know that control is an illusion. We can't really control the world around us. I just try to effect it, lol.
I feel the key to my happiness lies in learning on how to undo some of the lessons I learned in childhood. I feel like I've done that to an extent, but still have a long way to go. Thanks for the share!
I feel the key to my happiness lies in learning on how to undo some of the lessons I learned in childhood. I feel like I've done that to an extent, but still have a long way to go. Thanks for the share!
My therapist has been challenging me lately to feel anger especially. I can state the facts all day long, but actually feeling how mad I am at someone like my AB is totally foreign to me. I never realized I was missing something so big.
I have actually felt 'better' then say my husband or boyfriends of the past because I stayed SO calm in an argument. I knew it wasn't appropriate, but there was an underlying feeling of superiority I just couldn't control. Course, that was when I wasn't avoiding conflict like the plague first.
Good timing, currently struggling after a call from my AB this afternoon.
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