blueholly

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

So this is where my confusion sets in. I sent divorce papers to my attorney this morning. My husband has not a clue. But I can't live like this anymore. I feel bad because I think divorce seems so final. (i don't really want a divorce.) I decided on divorce because I feel like I have to protect myself and my children legally. I don't think he would just let me walk away with them. I have told him to leave many times but after so many days gone, he just rolls in the back door like we never had that conversation.

So here is my question. Am I truly Letting go or Let God. Should I just wait around and not file and see what happens? I have spent many an hour praying about this. In my mind I'm not giving up on him. I want him back, but the old husband. Not this stranger. And We just can't keep on doing this/living like this. I feel like I have to make the first step. But is taking that step acting on my "own will?"

Any input is appreciated.

AnvilheadII

really good question - you're taking this 12 step stuff to heart!!!

let me ask you....what type of life does YOUR Higher Power want for you and your kids? here's the two and a half cents i think i know about my will vs God's will....if it involves trying to direct or change the life of another adult, that's probably MY will. if it is to life the fullest happiest life i can and can provide from my dependent children, that's God's will.

your AH has his own HP. a force for good that he can tap into at any time. right now however, he's made drugs his GOD, his be all to end all, they RULE his life. i haven't heard you share one single thing on SR yet that indicates he is anything but fully steeped in addiction and intent upon staying that way.

you can "wait and see" from across town or across the state. you don't have to take a front row seat to his madness. you are very wise to take the appropriate steps to protect yourself!!

hello-kitty

I'm glad you are removing yourself and your children from an unhealthy and crazy situation. Your husband is an adult and is capable of making his own choices when it comes to High Powers and lifestyle. But your children need you to protect them and provide them with a stable environment to grow up in.

teardrop

im not really in to god and i dont pray

but ive heard alot of AA members say

god will only do for me what i cant do for myself

if thats any help to you i dont know

dave

blueholly

You have given me some good stuff to think on over the weekend. I need to remember that my AH is an adult and can do what he wants and will. It's just hard to try to wrap my head around all this. He hasn't always been this way... I never imagined I would have to "remove" myself and my children from him... But I guess this is what it has come to.
And you are also right, he needs to find his own HP. I can't do that for him.

julez

Blueholly, based on everything I have read of yours, your husband seems so unpredictable, and you are left with so many questions regarding his time, his addiction, his attitude, etc.
I know you want the old husband back. Theres always time for that IF he EVER decides to clean up. For now, you and your kids are in immediate danger. Thats the way you HAVE to look at it.
Let me ask you this. Lets say your husband was just a friend. If that friend needed a place to crash between binges, would you offer up your home? If he was just a riend, would you let him be around your children? Would you let him drive them?
Since, right now at least, he isn't the man you married, this is the way you have to think of it. Hes just not that guy anymore. Hes a stranger doing strange and dangerous things.
I'm sorry if it hurts and upsets you that I have said this. Its just how I see it.
Hugs!

Sara21

Blueholly,

I just want to say that I am impressed by you. Sometimes it takes people YEARS to do what you are doing, and some never do it all. I'm not saying they're wrong, every situation is different, but you are making plans and moving ahead to protect you and your children.

As far as the higher power goes, someone once said that you can't serve 2 masters at the same time. You have your higher power, God, and your AH has his. Which one of these masters is head of the household? I see my God as a fatherly figure, and like any parent he wants what is best for his children.

I also am struggling with the idea of getting a divorce. Sometimes I think that if I hang in there a little longer, things will get better. But then I think, maybe He has a better life/path for me and here I am, in this awful situation, refusing to move on.

No one can tell you what to do but I hope that whatever path you take, it is the best one for you and your children.

Hugs

Kindeyes

I pray. I sit. I wait. I take action when I feel it is appropriate. I let go of the outcome.

Sometimes when I stop worrying about how something is going to turn out, the answers become clearer. I believe that's God taking charge of the steering wheel in my life.

I let go. I have faith. And I know....that time will always reveal more.

That is the best way I can describe turning my will over to a Higher Power.

gentle hugs
ke