deadlydame

...has claw marks on it... (This is not my quote but it might as well be!)




I have been clean for 33 days. No drinking, no dope, no JH with whom I had a five-year toxic relationship that was absolutely omnipresent to my substance abuse. It fueled my desire and my justification for using... I am like many other addicts, a co-dependent (But only now that I am less in a fog, I can finally start putting together the pieces of the puzzle...)

In fact, I can recount from the beginning the presence of a toxic relationship with each major drug related episode.

JH was not the first toxic man I fell for... There was Eric, at 15, who actually beat me up... but I loooooved him!!!! there was Alex, Terry, John... All of these relationships correspond to the times of my life where my addiction got to be the most active and destructive.

The point of my post is: Could someone hit me hard on the head please?



What the F*** is wrong with me? I blocked JH number the first two weeks of my new and yet, still very fragile recovery to unblock him a few days ago and welcome him in my house for a few days... Now, my reasons were noble (i am being funny now but did believe it for a while... Denial is indeed a powerful thing): I was going to save him. JH is a total absolute MESS and I know mess when I see it. With .36BAC the day before his coming back here, found collapsed in an airport, cannot stand up most of the time, cannot walk straight... or speak coherently... Still, carries his bottle of vodka and makes sure to refill before running out...

JH is obviously trouble and a sure way for me to relapse... Why oh why can't i let go? well... ok... maybe don't answer that or be kind

Just kidding, needed to vent and maybe someone has the magic trick and would be willing to share... (I am joking of course) but any feedback, thought, advice welcome... Please, be tough yet, but kind... My addiction to these sick relationships is beginning to scare the s*** out of me. Yet, I can't let go... quite yet... I got the ATT option of blocking some numbers... And for the last few 24 hours, I have been adding his number and deleting more than 1000's times... The ATT guys must wonder what is going on with my account... It must be a technical glitch... How can someone change their mind so many times in so little time...

Anyway, hoping all is well with you guys and thank you for stopping by!

mecanix

I found a book called, obsessive love : when it hurts too much to let go by Dr Susan Forward useful in understanding my unwillingness to accept the realities of certain relationships and what the "normal" boundaries are for relationships .

Bestwishes, M

deadlydame

Thank you Mecanix. Will definitely look into it! Great day to you

Dee74

I made a lot of bad choices for a lot of years....

It took a while, but after I stopped drinking for the final time, a few things happened....
my head got clearer, my confidence in myself and my decisions got stronger, and I learned to live with myself.

For years I'd sought validation through other people - sometimes those people were not great people to be around....

I went from needing people in my life to wanting them in it...the desperation was gone...I knew I was ok on my own no matter what....that made a lot of difference

D

deadlydame

Thank you Dee! Thank you for the good words and the wisdom. Happy Friday to You!!!

YouRmySunshine

Were addicts, thats pretty much the story of our life!
Seriously not trying to make light of it, but I bet that is the case for almost all of us!

Hang Tough!

Anna

I think I made bad choices in friends because I didn't really believe anyone would like me so I sought out women who were shallow and uncaring as friends. I didn't realize I had been doing that for years until it hit me one day, that I didn't have a friend I really, honestly loved. For me, I think it goes back to how you feel about yourself. If you don't love yourself, then the men in your life probably will get that message and treat you badly.

deeker

Sorry I know you are in turmoil but I really enoyed your post because you can see the insanity, it's just a matter of stepping out of it. I left my hubby for a toxic relationship. I contacted him several times in early recovery and then one day I just stopped and fought the urges and began to really focus on myself and I found as I began to get clear and get well and eventually feel good, I realized how much I appreciated not having all the drama in my life. I felt free and I would reflect on the insane times we had together. Every night began good and usually ended up with one of us calling the cops. He is not sober today and he is probably living in the same insanity with someone else and I really am free. You couldn't pay me to go back to that now after the peace I have now found in recovery and in experiencing a quiet uneventful life. But I completely relate to the obsessiveness. It's because right now you don't feel like you really have anyone else I imagine, but If you start going to meetings on a regular basis and spending time with other recovered alkies you will find a new kind of peace and new relationships and a new kinda of freedom from that co-dependency. If you are like me you will wonder one day how you could have ever been in such a toxic relationship in the first place and you will see how sick you really were and that you truly are getting better. It's an awesome feeling. It'll happen. Just keep the focus on you. Maybe a co-dependency meeting might help. God Bless You!

deadlydame

Thank you Deeker... Thank you for your compassion. It really does help. As you said, it is very hard for me to look beyond the insanity of it all and the feeling that i am completely out of control. I am trying to hang tough because as I was sitting in a meeting tonight, I realized, that seeing this man a few days ago, was really not a good idea and that if I do not pay attention soon enough, it is a matter of weeks or days before I use again... Because it has been two days now that he left, and that I did not use or booze, I felt until tonight, that a) I was right. I can handle it and b) this was not such a big deal as what my sponsor described. I felt that her comparison of John to another bottle of Gin or speed was a bit stretched. Now, I see what she is talking about. Again thank you for the advice and the encouragement. I go to Coda once a week: Good Meeting for me. You are absolutely right. Wishing you a great evening,

Sandrine

deadlydame

Thank you Anna. Yes, I agree. A lot comes from a very poor self-esteem. Your last remark regarding men getting the message reminded me what my best friend told me once: "Sandrine, these guys don't treat you like you are a doormat. You are telling them that you are a doormat!" It was a wake up call... strong one but right on target! So, yes. Everything you said is right on the money. I just wish that knowing it at an intellectual level could finally sync in at the "empirical" knowing... I hope I am making sense... Anyway, thank you again and have a wonderful weekend!

Sandrine

deadlydame

Actually, it is kind of good to make light of it... I am angry at myself for instead of counting my blessings, I obsess over "********..." I should be dead by now, or homeless, or with a liver the size of an elephant or missing all my teeth... Here I am getting my career in film back, a family that has stand by me the entire time, money for a good place, food, clothes, therapist... car... and Here I am... So thank you for making me smile and to be able to laugh at myself. Have a great night!


Sandrine