O/T: Why The Need To Spoil Children? It Bothers Me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
O/T: Why The Need To Spoil Children? It Bothers Me
Good Morning, All! Here's hoping everyone has a great weekend! After a snowstorm hit Central Ohio a couple of days ago - this morning we have bright, sunny skies and temps near 50 tomorrow!
Okay, here I go with what's bothering me today: this Sunday is my son's 3 year Birthday! Happy Birthday, my Son! Now, my child is not lacking for toys, books, stickers, clothes, food, etc., etc., etc. He's a very sweet boy, we have wonderful friends who love him and get him presents for Christmas and other times throughout the year. He doesn't even have time to play with everything he has at home, and he spends most of his days at daycare.
So, we have several older friends whom we call his "grandparents" because my parents passed away, AW's parents live far away, and these are very, very sweet people who love us, and adore him.
But, we just had Christmas 2.5 months ago and we were talking on the phone last night with one set of the 'grandparents', and they asked him, "What did you ask for for your birthday?" I said, "Luckily, nothing. He has lots of things, and doesn't need anything else. And he doesn't really expect anything." They responded, "Well, we hope you get lots of presents for your birthday! Make sure you ask for a bunch!"
WHY???? Why does a 3-year old need with MORE stuff? We live in a very nice, safe suburban neighborhood, nice house, he has enough food, he goes to a nice daycare where the teachers love him because he's nice and very well-mannered. I don't want my child growing up to be materialistic and expecting stuff to be thrown at him constantly. I see too many kids who are so "me me me" anymore, it makes me sick. And I notice it mostly with grandparents - mainly those grandparents who were too busy to spend time with their own kids, now want to try to 'make it up' with their grandkids.
When I was growing up, spending time with my parents or grandparents was enough, I didn't need "stuff" to feel loved.
I make my child dinner everynight, I put him to bed myself everynight, I am with him every weekend from sun up to sundown. I spend a great deal of time with my child, and have no guilt about not being there for him - because I am ALWAYS there for hm. To me, spending time 'playing golf' with him with his plastic golf set after work is more important than constantly giving him stuff.
Am I wrong about this? I grew up without a lot of stuff, and I appreciated what I did get, and I want him to appreciate everything he receives as well, even if it was a half-dollar coin.
Thoughts and opinions are welcome.
Thank you all!
C-OH Dad
Okay, here I go with what's bothering me today: this Sunday is my son's 3 year Birthday! Happy Birthday, my Son! Now, my child is not lacking for toys, books, stickers, clothes, food, etc., etc., etc. He's a very sweet boy, we have wonderful friends who love him and get him presents for Christmas and other times throughout the year. He doesn't even have time to play with everything he has at home, and he spends most of his days at daycare.
So, we have several older friends whom we call his "grandparents" because my parents passed away, AW's parents live far away, and these are very, very sweet people who love us, and adore him.
But, we just had Christmas 2.5 months ago and we were talking on the phone last night with one set of the 'grandparents', and they asked him, "What did you ask for for your birthday?" I said, "Luckily, nothing. He has lots of things, and doesn't need anything else. And he doesn't really expect anything." They responded, "Well, we hope you get lots of presents for your birthday! Make sure you ask for a bunch!"
WHY???? Why does a 3-year old need with MORE stuff? We live in a very nice, safe suburban neighborhood, nice house, he has enough food, he goes to a nice daycare where the teachers love him because he's nice and very well-mannered. I don't want my child growing up to be materialistic and expecting stuff to be thrown at him constantly. I see too many kids who are so "me me me" anymore, it makes me sick. And I notice it mostly with grandparents - mainly those grandparents who were too busy to spend time with their own kids, now want to try to 'make it up' with their grandkids.
When I was growing up, spending time with my parents or grandparents was enough, I didn't need "stuff" to feel loved.
I make my child dinner everynight, I put him to bed myself everynight, I am with him every weekend from sun up to sundown. I spend a great deal of time with my child, and have no guilt about not being there for him - because I am ALWAYS there for hm. To me, spending time 'playing golf' with him with his plastic golf set after work is more important than constantly giving him stuff.
Am I wrong about this? I grew up without a lot of stuff, and I appreciated what I did get, and I want him to appreciate everything he receives as well, even if it was a half-dollar coin.
Thoughts and opinions are welcome.
Thank you all!
C-OH Dad
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
They're probably just thinking back to birthday excitement when they were kids.
Presents are fun--mostly to open. As long as they don't go TOO over the top I don't think it hurts to open a few. If it gets ridiculous you can always go through the toys a few days later and let him pick some to donate to a shelter or something. That might be a nice tradition to start.
You're right, the things you provide (safe home, security, your time) are way more important. But unless people get utterly ridiculous about it I wouldn't stress too much over it.
Presents are fun--mostly to open. As long as they don't go TOO over the top I don't think it hurts to open a few. If it gets ridiculous you can always go through the toys a few days later and let him pick some to donate to a shelter or something. That might be a nice tradition to start.
You're right, the things you provide (safe home, security, your time) are way more important. But unless people get utterly ridiculous about it I wouldn't stress too much over it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
I agree with you. It gets better as they get older, but for some reason, people like to buy them things/toys. I used to hate all of the clutter/junk around the house. And, I agree, they play with it for a few minutes and then move onto the the next things. If you are close enough and feel comfortable just tell them that he does not need anything else or ask for books, a special visit, etc. If not, thank them, let him play with it while they are there and then put it up.
I'm on here because of my RAS. I don't think he's an alcoholic because he got too many toys or because we didn't spend enough time with him. ;- ) So try not to stress too much about it- just enjoy these years and hope he did not get the addictive gene. ;-) Reading your posts- I can tell you are a great Dad and know what's important in life.
I'm on here because of my RAS. I don't think he's an alcoholic because he got too many toys or because we didn't spend enough time with him. ;- ) So try not to stress too much about it- just enjoy these years and hope he did not get the addictive gene. ;-) Reading your posts- I can tell you are a great Dad and know what's important in life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
They're probably just thinking back to birthday excitement when they were kids.
Presents are fun--mostly to open. As long as they don't go TOO over the top I don't think it hurts to open a few. If it gets ridiculous you can always go through the toys a few days later and let him pick some to donate to a shelter or something. That might be a nice tradition to start.
You're right, the things you provide (safe home, security, your time) are way more important. But unless people get utterly ridiculous about it I wouldn't stress too much over it.
Presents are fun--mostly to open. As long as they don't go TOO over the top I don't think it hurts to open a few. If it gets ridiculous you can always go through the toys a few days later and let him pick some to donate to a shelter or something. That might be a nice tradition to start.
You're right, the things you provide (safe home, security, your time) are way more important. But unless people get utterly ridiculous about it I wouldn't stress too much over it.
We are going to take some of the things he's outgrown/doesn't use, and donate them to Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, and maybe some shelters. It would be a good lesson in sharing, and he is good about sharing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
I understand getting presents when I was younger - I loved it! Still like getting presents! And I didn't want to give the impression that he shouldn't get ANY, but the grandparents statement about asking for things and hoping for LOTS kinda bothered me.
We are going to take some of the things he's outgrown/doesn't use, and donate them to Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, and maybe some shelters. It would be a good lesson in sharing, and he is good about sharing.
We are going to take some of the things he's outgrown/doesn't use, and donate them to Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, and maybe some shelters. It would be a good lesson in sharing, and he is good about sharing.
When my son was 3 we were walking through Target and I asked him if he wanted a toy, his response was, "No, mommy, I have lots of toys at home and I don't need any more." Even to this day, he doesn't ask for much. When I asked him this past year what he wanted for Christmas, he responded with, "Nothing. You guys already got me an iPhone and I can't think of anything else." So, I said, "What about clothes?" He says, "Oh yeah, I could use some new socks, there are holes in a lot of my Nike socks." This kid has always been hard to buy for and the Iphone was actually a birthday present for him in November, LOL!
Anyway, you are teaching your son to be grateful, that's all that matters. Teaching them to be of service to others, to be gracious for gifts even when they aren't necessary, etc. Your son will be fine and most likely won't grow up being a 'me me me' kid because you're teaching him values and gratitude and that's all that matters.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Grandparents are just having fun. They can't spend time with him like you can. They want to be part of the fun and celebrations and do things for him. Of course you can set boundaries if people are getting things you've asked them not to on principle or if you've requested that they allow you to get that special item.
If they ask don't hesitate to make suggestions "Really he has every toy imaginable. If you did xyz with him he'd remember it forever." type of thing.
I told my dad once to give the kids $ to go to one special event each summer (we'd go to circus or go-kart place) and even though they were quite young and my dad did not go with them - they knew how it happened and they loved it because on my dime we were very conservative and when it was Grandpa's b-day treat day - they got little toys and to ride elephants and were able to get treats and drinks etc. My dad would have never thought of that on his own. He is not about to spend the day with four kids himself
but he offered what worked for him and my boys really appreciated and noticed it.
Your house your rules. If he has to much stuff, sort through it. Store some, donate some, whatever. He can participate in an age appropriate way and you can talk about how lucky he is to have so many people in his life, therefore so much stuff, and to share his good fortune with people that are not so lucky.
By accepting people's love, generosity, and excitement you are modeling to your son how to be gracious. When my kids get another gift the same as 5 they have at home I want them to accept it and the spirit in which it was given. If they get home and don't want or need it, we'll figure that out then. If their biggest problem is having to many toys - well that is an easy one to fix ya know?
You are always setting the tone for your son's moral compass and you are doing a good job so don't sweat the rest of it.
If they ask don't hesitate to make suggestions "Really he has every toy imaginable. If you did xyz with him he'd remember it forever." type of thing.
I told my dad once to give the kids $ to go to one special event each summer (we'd go to circus or go-kart place) and even though they were quite young and my dad did not go with them - they knew how it happened and they loved it because on my dime we were very conservative and when it was Grandpa's b-day treat day - they got little toys and to ride elephants and were able to get treats and drinks etc. My dad would have never thought of that on his own. He is not about to spend the day with four kids himself
but he offered what worked for him and my boys really appreciated and noticed it. Your house your rules. If he has to much stuff, sort through it. Store some, donate some, whatever. He can participate in an age appropriate way and you can talk about how lucky he is to have so many people in his life, therefore so much stuff, and to share his good fortune with people that are not so lucky.
By accepting people's love, generosity, and excitement you are modeling to your son how to be gracious. When my kids get another gift the same as 5 they have at home I want them to accept it and the spirit in which it was given. If they get home and don't want or need it, we'll figure that out then. If their biggest problem is having to many toys - well that is an easy one to fix ya know?
You are always setting the tone for your son's moral compass and you are doing a good job so don't sweat the rest of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree COD - I've been overwhelmed with how much 'stuff' DD gets/has since my baby shower & I feel like I've been waging war on materialism ever since. I will say that once she was old enough to *earn* money & had to use her own spending money for stuff she was able to start to grasp the difference between "plastic crap" (as she calls it, lol) & things of greater value in relation to the time it took her to earn the cash.
My boss always suggests to grandparents to open a college account for the kids & deposit half the amount they would spend on gifts into the account & spend the other however they want on 'stuff'. The accounts can be opened with minimal deposits & some can be structured so that other people (like you, if you desired) could also contribute to Jr's fund. Over a lifetime of birthdays, Christmas's & other special events... it can really add up & help with his education costs.
Just thought I'd share!
My boss always suggests to grandparents to open a college account for the kids & deposit half the amount they would spend on gifts into the account & spend the other however they want on 'stuff'. The accounts can be opened with minimal deposits & some can be structured so that other people (like you, if you desired) could also contribute to Jr's fund. Over a lifetime of birthdays, Christmas's & other special events... it can really add up & help with his education costs.
Just thought I'd share!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
For me other folks views, especially grandparents, can be frustrating when I am constantly trying to do the right thing or instill my own moral values in my children everyday. My mom and her husband are so materialistic it drives me crazy, but I stay out of it when it comes to my kids and just do what works for me and mention when something in particular goes against my values. My kids are older so they can start deciding for themselves.
It might be a good time to point out to your child that some people feel having more will make them happy when perhaps from your point of view if you don't appreciate what you do have and always want more than you might never be happy. (Although 3 is kind of young to understand that.)
Maybe just mention to your son how you appreciate how he enjoys all the special items he has and maybe as someone else posted help him think about if there is one item or activity special he would like to have or do to celebrate his birthday. After all it is so wonderful to know you are special and your birthday is a special day.
At 3, I sometimes put gifts my kids got and weren't that interested in away and eventually donated or regifted as they often were forgotten about.
It's a blessing all that you and your child do have, hope you enjoy it and not feel he has to do without to appreciate.
Sounds like you are doing your best at being a great dad.
It might be a good time to point out to your child that some people feel having more will make them happy when perhaps from your point of view if you don't appreciate what you do have and always want more than you might never be happy. (Although 3 is kind of young to understand that.)
Maybe just mention to your son how you appreciate how he enjoys all the special items he has and maybe as someone else posted help him think about if there is one item or activity special he would like to have or do to celebrate his birthday. After all it is so wonderful to know you are special and your birthday is a special day.
At 3, I sometimes put gifts my kids got and weren't that interested in away and eventually donated or regifted as they often were forgotten about.
It's a blessing all that you and your child do have, hope you enjoy it and not feel he has to do without to appreciate.
Sounds like you are doing your best at being a great dad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 86
I have started a journey in minimalistic living. I am trying to get rid of things Ive accumulated over the years and never use and not buy more things. It is a revelation.
My children have TONS of things. and when I cant afford to buy lots of things for them for their birthdays or christmas or what not, my family feels sorry for them, and then feels the need to buy things for them or over compensate for me - argh >:-(
I dont feel sorry for them. and they dont feel sorry for themselves. I am very aware of the things they like and we focus on only giving them things they will use and play with. If they dont play with certain toys, we donate them.
My focus in life is on doing, enjoying and being, not having, which so many people are consumed with. It becomes even more evident when you reject traditional American consumerism. And just because our beliefs are different, it does not mean that our lives are any less meaningful. In fact, I think the quality of our lives is better because we want for less.
My children have TONS of things. and when I cant afford to buy lots of things for them for their birthdays or christmas or what not, my family feels sorry for them, and then feels the need to buy things for them or over compensate for me - argh >:-(
I dont feel sorry for them. and they dont feel sorry for themselves. I am very aware of the things they like and we focus on only giving them things they will use and play with. If they dont play with certain toys, we donate them.
My focus in life is on doing, enjoying and being, not having, which so many people are consumed with. It becomes even more evident when you reject traditional American consumerism. And just because our beliefs are different, it does not mean that our lives are any less meaningful. In fact, I think the quality of our lives is better because we want for less.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
In my experience my kids are getting way too many presents at the holidays or birthday I think because people feel bad that we are going through a divorce. My new goal is to give the kids "experiences" not just things. For instance, tickets to a ballgame. My sisters friends have a book birthday party. Put on the invitation books only as gifts. You can always donate to the school if you have too many. But really, can you have too many books!?!
When we do get too many toys, I always check with the school or daycare and see if I can donate. You would be surprised how beat up their stuff gets and they always seem grateful, even McDonanlds toys. Or they my know of a child in the class who really does not have anything and they can pass the item on to that child.
A great thing to is have a rainy day stash. I put unused toys or games at the top of a closet to bring out on a rainy day.
It is annoying the materialistic nature people have now a days, but just be glad you have "too much" right now, I had to live the other side recently and I try to give back as much as I can now.
4MyBoys
When we do get too many toys, I always check with the school or daycare and see if I can donate. You would be surprised how beat up their stuff gets and they always seem grateful, even McDonanlds toys. Or they my know of a child in the class who really does not have anything and they can pass the item on to that child.
A great thing to is have a rainy day stash. I put unused toys or games at the top of a closet to bring out on a rainy day.
It is annoying the materialistic nature people have now a days, but just be glad you have "too much" right now, I had to live the other side recently and I try to give back as much as I can now.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Especially for the little kids, I just put some toys in a closet somewhere to pull out on a rainy day. I also sell and donate ALL of the kids' stuff when it's out of date. I can't worry about it too much -- small children are vectors for plastic junk.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
