Survivor's guilt, maybe
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Survivor's guilt, maybe
A couple of years ago I dated a man who had a lot of issues. Alcohol was one of them, and exacerbated the others. But he had a lot of bitterness, a lot of pain, and some really terrible things had happened to him. It was a pretty brief relationship that ended when he got drunk and violent one night. I didn't get hurt but some friends did. This followed on a few other incidents of scary, controlling/intimidating behavior. I could understand why he was broken but I had to draw a line. I saw him for the last time a few days later. He was so upset but he accepted it. Since then he left town and had lost touch with everyone we knew mutually.
We found out this week that he killed himself last month. And he did it on the day that I decided to get sober.
I feel numb and strange. I've had a lot of fall out emotionally from our relationship; the violence traumatized me and changed the way I relate to men, and I've been bitter about that. But of course I wish he'd written or called or something before going to that extreme. I don't feel guilty, but it is strange and disturbing to me to think that it's entirely possible that while I was in a cab on my way to the hospital, terrified and puking blood and thinking that this addiction was finally going to kill me, he was out there thousand of miles away taking steps to end his life.
He's popped into my head a lot over the last month but I didn't really notice. It's weird now to know that he's been dead this whole time.
I don't know, there's no clarity to any of it.
Six months ago another ex killed himself in prison...
Of course I feel lucky, that I've managed to keep my life more or less on track despite my troubles, that I'm sober now and plan to stay that way, that I have good friends and a good life overall. But there's part of me that feels like these guys who I met in that deep part of our mutual brokenness, who've died because of it, that we knew each other in a way that people who haven't been that broken don't. And even though logically I know that you can't keep a person like that in your life, you can't let them drag you down with them, there's part of me that feels like I understood him in a way that others didn't. And I wish that he'd known that he could've called me if he needed to.
He was such a happy guy, when he was happy. I was with him the first time he swam in the ocean. It's hard to understand what death means when it's someone who's been out of your life for so long.
We found out this week that he killed himself last month. And he did it on the day that I decided to get sober.
I feel numb and strange. I've had a lot of fall out emotionally from our relationship; the violence traumatized me and changed the way I relate to men, and I've been bitter about that. But of course I wish he'd written or called or something before going to that extreme. I don't feel guilty, but it is strange and disturbing to me to think that it's entirely possible that while I was in a cab on my way to the hospital, terrified and puking blood and thinking that this addiction was finally going to kill me, he was out there thousand of miles away taking steps to end his life.
He's popped into my head a lot over the last month but I didn't really notice. It's weird now to know that he's been dead this whole time.
I don't know, there's no clarity to any of it.
Six months ago another ex killed himself in prison...
Of course I feel lucky, that I've managed to keep my life more or less on track despite my troubles, that I'm sober now and plan to stay that way, that I have good friends and a good life overall. But there's part of me that feels like these guys who I met in that deep part of our mutual brokenness, who've died because of it, that we knew each other in a way that people who haven't been that broken don't. And even though logically I know that you can't keep a person like that in your life, you can't let them drag you down with them, there's part of me that feels like I understood him in a way that others didn't. And I wish that he'd known that he could've called me if he needed to.
He was such a happy guy, when he was happy. I was with him the first time he swam in the ocean. It's hard to understand what death means when it's someone who's been out of your life for so long.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,387
I've lost a few people fantail - the impact of the shock and the what ifs are still there with me in my memory.
These links were useful for me - maybe not all of it will be applicable but they're a good read I think
Common experiences associated with suicide bereavement
Grief After Suicide
D
These links were useful for me - maybe not all of it will be applicable but they're a good read I think
Common experiences associated with suicide bereavement
Grief After Suicide
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Feeling sad or grieving is natural and OK. Feeling guilty is not. You did nothing wrong, especially given his violent tendencies. You did what many people would not do, and that is break-off a poisoned relationship. In my experience, that takes courage.
In addition, feeling guilt is a needless emotion. You can't change the past, what's done is done. And frankly, it sounds like you could not have helped him.
In addition, feeling guilt is a needless emotion. You can't change the past, what's done is done. And frankly, it sounds like you could not have helped him.
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