How to Approach an A friend???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 21
How to Approach an A friend???
My RA boyfriend has a friend, J, who is in a lot of trouble. His wife died about 5 years ago and left him with 4 children. Two are grown and gone now. One moved out of state to live with J's sister. Still left at home is his 14 year old daughter. J is out of work and their living conditions are appalling to the point that we won't even go over to their house anymore.
His daughter, L, has posted several things on Facebook about hating her life, not having food in the house etc. On the day my boyfriend posted on Facebook about his 1 year sobriety anniversary, she messaged him asking for help with her father. She said he has become a very mean drunk although he's never hurt her physically nor does she feel in danger of him. But that she just can't take it anymore. My boyfriend and J have been friends for 40+ years and drinking was always a major factor in their friendship.
J is an extremely hard-headed tough guy though occasionally professes to be born-again. He was even recently baptized. L asked my boyfriend to talk to him about his drinking. We both explained to her that he has to want to stop etc but that we would both try to talk to him. But even my boyfriend is at a loss as so what to say. I know he will tell us that he can stop because he does periodically for a month or so at a time. But how do we approach the subject of his daughter without him knowing she asked us to talk to him? My heart is breaking for her, especially since she hasn't had a mother since she was about 8. She doesn't want to move in with her aunt because she doesn't want to leave her school.
By the way, reporting him to child services is not an option. I can't go into details but trust me, that would actually make things worse for everyone involved.
My boyfriend is going to talk to his sponsor about this but I would love some advice from our point of view as well. Thank you in advance.
His daughter, L, has posted several things on Facebook about hating her life, not having food in the house etc. On the day my boyfriend posted on Facebook about his 1 year sobriety anniversary, she messaged him asking for help with her father. She said he has become a very mean drunk although he's never hurt her physically nor does she feel in danger of him. But that she just can't take it anymore. My boyfriend and J have been friends for 40+ years and drinking was always a major factor in their friendship.
J is an extremely hard-headed tough guy though occasionally professes to be born-again. He was even recently baptized. L asked my boyfriend to talk to him about his drinking. We both explained to her that he has to want to stop etc but that we would both try to talk to him. But even my boyfriend is at a loss as so what to say. I know he will tell us that he can stop because he does periodically for a month or so at a time. But how do we approach the subject of his daughter without him knowing she asked us to talk to him? My heart is breaking for her, especially since she hasn't had a mother since she was about 8. She doesn't want to move in with her aunt because she doesn't want to leave her school.
By the way, reporting him to child services is not an option. I can't go into details but trust me, that would actually make things worse for everyone involved.
My boyfriend is going to talk to his sponsor about this but I would love some advice from our point of view as well. Thank you in advance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 86
Wow. That is a tough one. I would be at a loss too. Luckily the little girl is 14 and at a point where she can physically care for herself. Also, it sounds great that she had the wherewithal to seek help. Can you talk to her about going to an Al-Anon meeting?
also, are you friends or in contact with the adult children? Can you contact them to help with this process? The little girl is being neglected and it is sad.
I do think though that even if he denies it, it is important that someone addressees it. Do you think he would harm his daughter if he knew she reached out?
also, are you friends or in contact with the adult children? Can you contact them to help with this process? The little girl is being neglected and it is sad.
I do think though that even if he denies it, it is important that someone addressees it. Do you think he would harm his daughter if he knew she reached out?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
His sponsor will know what to do. 12th Step work is something all AAs should be ready to do, but it is always recommended that TWO people handle such a situation, not one. So my bet is that either his sponsor will go with him, or he will have a couple of people in mind to do it. If not, your boyfriend should ask others in the rooms for help with it.
And I think that if all else fails, the aunt or other relatives should be informed. Even if she doesn't want to leave her school, she should not be in a home where she is neglected (no food in the house is neglect) or abused (emotional abuse is still abuse).
And I think that if all else fails, the aunt or other relatives should be informed. Even if she doesn't want to leave her school, she should not be in a home where she is neglected (no food in the house is neglect) or abused (emotional abuse is still abuse).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I would let your RAB and his sponsor handle it. I think you shouldn't get involved with talking to the friend. I think RA's are the best at talking to other A's. Also, maybe you or your BF could talk to the daughter about Alateen. It would be a great peer support for her.
Good luck, this is a sad situation.
Good luck, this is a sad situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 21
The children that are grown are kind of bad news themselves. Both have been to jail. Their dad doesn't even know where they are now.
I think I worded it poorly when I said "we" would talk to him. I didn't mean me as well. I know better than that! :-)
My RAB, George, broke the ice today with him. J called him and said he thinks he has Parkinsons because he can't stop shaking. Seriously? Parkinsons? They grew up completely surrounded by alcoholics! Parkinsons? He even told George that "only Old Granddad makes it stop". This guy is no rocket scientist but I was sure he could put 2 and 2 together on that. George always knew why he shook. Anyway, he took that opportunity to bring it up. He didn't mention the daughter at all and is giving him some information and talking to him tomorrow. While they are doing that, I am taking his daughter shopping and am going to try to educate her about alcoholism and Alateen. When I mentioned that it is a disease, she was really confused and said that no, he just doesn't care.
Although he is only on step 4, George has been doing a lot of step 12 over the past few months. He calls our car the "Free AA Jitney" taking people to meetings.
I think I worded it poorly when I said "we" would talk to him. I didn't mean me as well. I know better than that! :-)
My RAB, George, broke the ice today with him. J called him and said he thinks he has Parkinsons because he can't stop shaking. Seriously? Parkinsons? They grew up completely surrounded by alcoholics! Parkinsons? He even told George that "only Old Granddad makes it stop". This guy is no rocket scientist but I was sure he could put 2 and 2 together on that. George always knew why he shook. Anyway, he took that opportunity to bring it up. He didn't mention the daughter at all and is giving him some information and talking to him tomorrow. While they are doing that, I am taking his daughter shopping and am going to try to educate her about alcoholism and Alateen. When I mentioned that it is a disease, she was really confused and said that no, he just doesn't care.
Although he is only on step 4, George has been doing a lot of step 12 over the past few months. He calls our car the "Free AA Jitney" taking people to meetings.
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