Midlifecrisis

Me again. It's all too overwhelming. I can't do this. I've just snorted a stack load of Valium and I just can't stop crying. I can't stop because I'm too scared of all that other crap coming back but my tolerance is getting so high to these benzos that i only notice when I haven't had them and it's not going to be enough soon. My brain wants to get high but I just feel
Normal

I'm such a f-up. Have been since I was 7. I wish I could just rewind time and stop certain things happening or fixing them at the time. I wish I loved myself even a little. I wish I was like my friends who have never even smoked pot in their lives.

Dee74

It's really confronting to finally admit that we need help MLC.
I remember it hit me like a ton of bricks.

for 40 years I thought I was a screw up too - I wasn't tho - I just needed to face my fear, trust it would all be alright, and get the right kind of help.

Speak to your husband when he gets home - let him know that the plan's not working.
Sometimes the darkest part of the night is just before the dawn, y'know?

D

FeenixxRising

I believe you can always choose to truly love yourself. No one is perfect. Don't excuse yourself, but don't beat yourself up. Beating yourself up won't help you; acknowledging the problem will.

deeker

Hey Mid, I was heavy into the benzos and methadone and quit cold turkey over 2 years ago. Bad seizure. Wouldn't suggest stopping on your own. I went into a detox later on, Ya know I am so glad I did. They made me comfortable and when I got out I went to meetings, meetings and more meetings. If you are ready I would look into detox. Benzos are real bad to come off of by yourself.
God Bless You! I have been where you are now and I feel for ya, but there is a way out, even though it may seem hopeless right now. Just gotta walk thru that fear and decide am I done?

coraltint

yes, this takes a HUGE leap of faith, but we are here to tell you it's worth jumping.

ReadyAndAble

I totally know how you feel—the worst part of my addiction was how it made me feel about myself. But the thing is, you're actually a nice person. Everyone here has seen that. Turn it around—are the people you've met here who are struggling with addiction unlovable? Not at all, right? In fact, it's amazing to me how kind and sensitive everyone is despite the personal hells they've experienced. It's admirable, really. And I admire that as low as addiction brought you, you still had the courage to reach out tonight.

It's so hard to quit, but you can do it. Change that one thing, and you'll change everything—starting with how you feel about yourself. Do whatever it takes. You're worth it.

SophieB

MLC.. I have been reading your threads and I feel like you really want help..but something's gotta give. I totally understand about leaving kids, job your life really to go to rehab. But it is doable. I went for 30 days and it truly saved my life.

Many times I thought I could do it on my own, I'm a strong intelligent girl. Wrong. It was beyond me and my ability to quit drinking on my own.

It was hard to leave , but you are not lonely there. People are around to help you 24/7 physically and mentally. Employees and other people in recovery.

You are busy there ... Going to group, doing projects , eating ...and yes believe it or not lots of laughing. You are with individuals that get it. It is very structured and that is a good thing.

Maybe a couple of weeks will work for you?

Sending you prayers, it can be done I've seen it! Take care of you

peanut44

Mlc,

Im so sorry you're going thru this. Let your husband know when he gets home.

You need to get into a detox as soon as possible. Going cold turkey is too dangerous and what you're doing isn't working.

You're not a bad person. I've been following your posts mlc and you are a bright, intelligent and articulate woman

You just have a problem with drugs. So do I. Doesn't make us bad. I know sometimes it seems that way but it's not true.

Is there any kind of urgent care you could go to. If the medication that you possess is prescribed for you, your doctor can prescribe it differently.

Mine did that for me after detox. 3 pills at a time. You just have to go to the pharmacy more often is all.

Keep posting!!!!

shockozulu

Same here. I have to go to the pharmacy more often and am subject to random urine tests to see that the drug is the proper lever (not too low either).

You won't know if you need them until you get help for your addiction, that is for sure.

Coldfusion

MLC, I have been following your story for a while, and I am praying for you. You are strong and a wonderful person, and you deserve help to get better.

instant

MLC

You can experience freedom and contentment but only if you do what you need to do.

the idea of getting sober filled me with cold dread- it was an illusion- life gets easier within a relatively short period of time

Midlifecrisis

Thanks everyone. Again. Too many posts to respond to personally but thanks

Before I was in the depths of despair feeling like I can't go on. Now I'm thinking of all the upcoming events j want to be wasted for and not being able to imagine not being.

I'm trying to convince myself I can go to this concert with my friend who uses Heroin and use just one more time and then give up. How many one more times can there be?

I'm scared to be straight.

I'm home alone, hubby took all the kids out and gave me Valium before I left. It does nothing anymore. I resorted to doing lines of an effing sports energy supplement just to feel something.

I can't stand that I can't feel anything from the benzos anymore.

I don't really need advice. I know where I am exactly. Just need to get it all out and be brutally honest.

ReadyAtLast

MLC
I've just been catching up on your posts. It seems as though things are getting worse for you.I really hope you take on board the advice you'vebeen given and get the help you desperately need-whatever method of help that is. There is no other option really as what you are currently doing isn't working. please don't go out with your heroin friend-why would you do that? you know you will use it. it could kill you. I'm being brutal but your kids need their mum alive and functioning not dead from a heroin hit. you can stop this. I don't believe you 'd keep posting if you didn 't want to stop but you've got to get help where you are ,we can give all the advice in the world but you need to take steps in your life. wishing you all the best

Dee74

There comes a time we need to trust that not running away will not only be ok, MLC, but it's actually the right thing to do.

D

ScottFromWI

I truly hope you mean this MLC. You need help, and it's right there in front of you - has been for quite some time. All you have to do is ask. Several folks here have been brutally honest to you, it's your turn now. I pray that you can make the right decision for you and your family.

Midlifecrisis

I do want to stop, I'm just scared. I bought tickets to a concert and she asked me to get her one too, that's how that situation came about. She's one of my oldest friends. She doesnt use all the time anymore, is on suboxone and Valium as well but I know she still uses sometimes. My head just tells me 'one last time, one last time.'

It's good just to be able to get all these thoughts out of my head and onto here.

Midlifecrisis

Sometimes I just feel paralyzed and unable to run in any direction except to one that will allow me not to be in reality you know?

Midlifecrisis

Yeah thanks. By being brutally honest i just meant about getting out these thoughts that I can't say to anyone irl. I mean, resorting to snorting lines of body building supplements because I was desperate. Who does that??

I want to make the right decision. I want to be the best I can be. I just don't know who I am. I truly don't and I am scared to look.

OCDDan

mlc
"one last time" that scares me.

deeker

Hey Mid, Boy I can relate to the not knowing who you are, but I started by going into a detox and then I went to meetings, meetings, meetings, So I knew who I was then I was a meeting maker and a person who was trying to do the next right thing. Then I volunteered for service in NA and made coffee. So now I was the meeting maker, the person who who was trying to do the next right thing and the coffee maker. Then I got involved in planning the activities for NA such as picnics and dances. So Now I knew I was the meeting maker, the person trying to do the next right thing, the coffee maker and the person planning the activities for NA, then I was voted into to be the secretary for H and I. ( we bring meetings into detox.) So now I was the meeting maker, , the person trying to do the next right thing, the coffee maker, the person planning the activities for NA and the secretary for H and I. Then one day I started speaking at detox once a week, so now I was the meeting maker, the person trying to do the next right thing, the coffee maker,the activity planner, the secretary of H and I and the person who brought meetings into detox. It didn't happen all at once but I am slowly building that new identity one day at a time and that is how it will be for you too! But you have to start somewhere. You can do it Mid, I was in your shoes only 1 yr 1 mo ago. Suicide attempt. Desperate! Today I know who I am and who I want to be.
Just start somewhere and you will slowly get strong enough to do a little more and next thing you know you will start feeling good about your self and feeling self worth and you will be sure of who you are. A special and valued child of God who is gonna make a difference in this world and perhaps in the life of another addict someday.Your story will help someone else someday.You will actually find value in your past one day. It's up to you! Just walk thru that fear, you can do it.