supportforme

ExAH has been barely seeing the boys. He is in addictive addiction and I know the best thing for them is for him to stay away. It breaks my heart that my little boys are in so much pain and can't figure out why their dad sometimes doesn't call or visit. God forgive me... but it's worse than if he passed away. He continues to drop in and out of their lives. Legally, he has rights. As long as he is not endangering their welfare, he is free to contact them. He didn't see the boys since early Feb and stopped by the house last Wed. I wasnt' supposed to be home but I was. Our 14 year old came in and said dad was outside. I went outside and told him he was to say brief hello b/c he did not look good. My boys continue to think their dad stays away b/c mom is mean to him. They know their dad has an addiction, they are in therapy and their therapist said they see me as the bad guy b/c it's a reality that is easier for them to handle rather than true reality that their dad is an addict. I sent him text after visit and told him in future he is not to "drive" by unless I agree. After last Wed, he didn't call or visit. Tonight he text me asking what boys schedule for games is so he can go. I called him and made the mistake of trying to tell him that this is not healthy for them. I know he is not capable of doing the right thing; but, I continue to allow myself to be provoked. My lawyer explained that he has rights for visitation and is allowed to go to their sports as a spectator as long as he is not high. My 14 year old just overheard me on the phone with him telling him that if he shows up to the game and he is high, I will make sure he is punished to the fullest extent of the law. My kid, heard this and said - that's why dad doesn't come to see our games - he's afraid you are going to call cops. UGGHHHH - I'm in therapy, and this isn't my first time at this rodeo, but I continue to allow him to provoke me!!!I need advice. What can I do to stop engaging? On one hand it breaks my heart to know my boys are crushed that their dad is not there; on the other hand, when he does decide to show up, I'm so enranged that I can't control myself......I know better than this.. I just can't seam to get this right..... HELP> Sorry for the ramble .... I see Cyncial is back and I need some one to put me in my place or at least on the right track

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that you're dealing wth this tough situation. It's really difficult to try to co-parent with someone in active addiction. I didn't do it well. I did the best that I was able to at the time though. And you're doing a lot of things right. You've got the kids in counseling. You're in counseling. Be gentle with yourself.

You, your children and your XAH will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

supportforme

thanks for the replies. He is month behind on support, he lost his job, the addiction is the gift that keeps on giving. I have sat down with both boys and explained addiction and I'm angry at the disease.. This just stinks. I do believe the best thing I can do is try to get a sponsor. It's just so hard finding any time, on top of parenting, kids sports, school functions, working, I'm working on getting house ready to sell so I don't have alot of time for me. I haven't been on here as frequent b/c of all that is going on. I need to focus more on my recovery. thanks again. I appreciate it. He came for his visitation today and we had no issues - He stayed 15 minutes and we did not discuss anything. Thanks again.

AnvilheadII

wow 15 whole minutes.

you keep doing whatever you must. you have a lot going on and are doing a great job of keeping your priorities in place!

LoveMeNow

YOU are doing a great job. I know its hard not to "hate" them more when we see our kids in pain. Hang in there. He is in God's hands now and I pray he acknowledges that sooner then later.