Hello everyone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 167
Hello everyone
Oh my my... if anyone of you can read all the way through my babbling... Kudos to you!!! I still will post my novel, yet for those of you who want to jump to the essential, it is at the bottom in bold and red!!
I am new in this forum and wanted to introduce myself. I am an addict who throughout her life has had clean episodes but who, eventually, let her addiction dictate and finally destroy a lot... I am one of the lucky ones to still be alive, to have a family who has been with me side by side, every step of the way and to have the opportunity, another chance at recovery. Four Weeks ago, Monday, February 4th, 2013 to be exact, I was in my apartment... And I was as hopeless as never before. At 42, after managing an addiction to heroin (shooting up) and an addiction to amphetamines, here I was becoming a slave once again, this time, to alcohol... And alcohol for some reason... is really really scary... To me at least... Because first it is easy to find... and the worst part is that it slowly destroys you (heroin/hard drugs/... chances are you are gone in no time...) Alcohol is more cunning in that it makes sure that before killing the body, it eats away your faith, your intellect in humiliating and painful ways... The stigma society associates to alcoholics is another factor that I believe, makes the alcoholic hesitant before admitting he/she has a problem with alcohol... Some of you may not agree with me. And it is fine. I am not trying to say I am right. I just want to describe the context in which I was that Monday... that "special" day... As I said, I am 42 and at 42, you would expect that your addiction issues would have been solved by then... Had someone told me that at 42-year old, I would be sitting in a meeting and introduce myself as: "Hi, my name is..." and that I would hold hands with complete strangers for the serenitude player usually reserved for the end of the meeting... I would have told you: "Get out of here... 42? first off, 42 is old and if by 42, i am still struggling with my addictions, forget it!!! no way!!!" I started to use hard drugs at 15, at 18, I did my first rehab then immediately moved from France to Florida where I lived with my aunt. As I was saying, I am blessed and it is about time I recognize all my blessings. Moving to America is what really saved me, my mother is what really saved me, the rehab in France... I don't know expect that in the process i got to meet some pretty exceptional individuals... Anyway, after years of struggle (at 19, I was still a wild egg... Yet I managed to quiet down, have a relationship that lasted for a few years, go back to school, provide financially to my needs) and by 22 I was dumping the "boyfriend" who was beginning to take me for granted, to apply and be accepted to Washington DC University where I completed a Master in Applied Anthropology. During all that time, I believed that since I was not using, at least not in an addictive way... I had solved my addiction issues. Back then, the concept of addiction was still a bit taboo... Few serious studies had been done and addiction was still an unknown phenomenon for the most part. At that time, we believed that "Just say no" was the solution. "Just say no to drugs!" I tried a few times, it never worked... but anyway... after the master, went to guatemala as an anthropologist... there, the drinking got a bit more frequent. All the team I was working with was drinking and it seems that alcohol is expected among the humanitarian world... Without using as a cheap excuse, working in humanitarian organizations can be quite challenging for someone who comes from a place where water, electricity, heat, AC, cars, and most of all the assurance that if i express outloud how disappointed I am with my government, I will not be found beheaded on the side of the road the next day... well for someone like that, the wake up call you get when you first land in a country like Guatemala can be quite intense. So without using it as excuse, again, alcohol is a way for us, spoiled brats of the first world, to put up with the atrocities and the reality of the real world... It is challenging, yet so rewarding... when i came back to the US, I stopped drinking as much... So, the addiction issue was still among the "completed" file folder... Until few years later, in New York, where I was living and working in film... I began a new romance with addiction... I remember as if it was yesterday, I was in my kitchen doing dishes or something of the sort when I clearly heard two voices: One was saying... "No, not me, I know addiction... I was addicted once... I am not going to make the same mistake... I was young... I am 31 now, professional, I have learned..." and the other voice... to reply... "I dare you..." as if it already knew what a fiasco I got into, the pretentious, stupid me I was at the time... Not me? At first, the partying was phenomenal... New York City, I looked amazing, I worked in film, I made money... I had many friends, I was on top of the world... The partying started in the summer and lasted for more than just a few months but when January/February came, the partying started to be not as much fun and slowly but surely, after a failed relationship, 9-11 attacks that had left some heavy marks on my psyche (I volunteered like many New Yorkers. It felt right. It was my therapy... I ignored, just like many, the advice of professionals; get into therapy... trauma is trauma and blahblahblah stupid pretentious me, I knew bettwer) fast forward to 2003: I am homeless, no friends except for one, my best friend, who I witness crying because seeing me in such pathetic way is too painful, because the same best friend was in admiration ever since he met me, a friend who always wanted the best for me... And to see how I let drugs rule my life to the point of wanting to die, to the point of not having one single boundary and willing to the humiliation and pain that inevitably comes with the junky life package... My friend (a man on top of that and a latin man) bursted in tears. he was driving. i was in the back going crazy of course...) anyway, long story short, by 36, I could no longer ignore my addiction. The dark creature was still there, never left in fact and was waiting the perfect moment to hit me in the head and push me in the passenger seat... My dark creature was the driver now... I did another rehab... Something that I consider a fiasco and a pure scam... A 30,000 dollars absolutely wasted... One of these "chic" centers, elegant and all... where absolutely nothing is really achieved... Well, I might be a bit too harsh... Maybe, the reality was that in fact, I still wasnt ready... Because now, I know... There is no way I, you, we can stop our addictions if we are not absolutely, completely convinced that this is what we want... We cannot stop using unless we have hit our own personal bottom. And that bottom, is particular to each of us experiences. It is not necessarily when we are close to dying... Four or five weeks ago, I was still in my apartment, could care for myself and my dog... and could have lasted a while longer where in NY, I had burned all the candles... I was living in the street so in my world, it could not really get worse... Four weeks ago, I could have let things drag a little longer... Booze, as i said, is easy to find... I had become good at hiding my drinking too... organized... a real little entrepreneur... But four weeks ago, I don't know if it is because I am 42, if in fact, I am lying to myself and you as well and that I will eventually fall again (While I would like to describe the magic of that monday, I remain cautious... Too often did i claim that "that's it, I am done with using..." to find myself sooner or later, looking for my fix... I have all good reasons to keep cautious. Yet, for the first time in my life, I took the conscious and honest decision that I was, first, extremely tired of this life of drinking and substance abuse and that, I did not have too many options: One was to keep on doing what I was doing and watch the damage alcohol had on my body, my mind and my spirit... or, I would pick an NA meeting to go to and I would commit to go there with an open-mind, to remember that I take what I want and I leave the rest of this meeting, that, another rehab was absolutely out of the question, I lost faith, that I was 42 and you start to realize, oops life does go fast after all, that if you are lucky to be still alive, watch out, your luck could change any time...
I am so happy to be here and to have finally found in NA new hope!!!!
and
everyone
I am new in this forum and wanted to introduce myself. I am an addict who throughout her life has had clean episodes but who, eventually, let her addiction dictate and finally destroy a lot... I am one of the lucky ones to still be alive, to have a family who has been with me side by side, every step of the way and to have the opportunity, another chance at recovery. Four Weeks ago, Monday, February 4th, 2013 to be exact, I was in my apartment... And I was as hopeless as never before. At 42, after managing an addiction to heroin (shooting up) and an addiction to amphetamines, here I was becoming a slave once again, this time, to alcohol... And alcohol for some reason... is really really scary... To me at least... Because first it is easy to find... and the worst part is that it slowly destroys you (heroin/hard drugs/... chances are you are gone in no time...) Alcohol is more cunning in that it makes sure that before killing the body, it eats away your faith, your intellect in humiliating and painful ways... The stigma society associates to alcoholics is another factor that I believe, makes the alcoholic hesitant before admitting he/she has a problem with alcohol... Some of you may not agree with me. And it is fine. I am not trying to say I am right. I just want to describe the context in which I was that Monday... that "special" day... As I said, I am 42 and at 42, you would expect that your addiction issues would have been solved by then... Had someone told me that at 42-year old, I would be sitting in a meeting and introduce myself as: "Hi, my name is..." and that I would hold hands with complete strangers for the serenitude player usually reserved for the end of the meeting... I would have told you: "Get out of here... 42? first off, 42 is old and if by 42, i am still struggling with my addictions, forget it!!! no way!!!" I started to use hard drugs at 15, at 18, I did my first rehab then immediately moved from France to Florida where I lived with my aunt. As I was saying, I am blessed and it is about time I recognize all my blessings. Moving to America is what really saved me, my mother is what really saved me, the rehab in France... I don't know expect that in the process i got to meet some pretty exceptional individuals... Anyway, after years of struggle (at 19, I was still a wild egg... Yet I managed to quiet down, have a relationship that lasted for a few years, go back to school, provide financially to my needs) and by 22 I was dumping the "boyfriend" who was beginning to take me for granted, to apply and be accepted to Washington DC University where I completed a Master in Applied Anthropology. During all that time, I believed that since I was not using, at least not in an addictive way... I had solved my addiction issues. Back then, the concept of addiction was still a bit taboo... Few serious studies had been done and addiction was still an unknown phenomenon for the most part. At that time, we believed that "Just say no" was the solution. "Just say no to drugs!" I tried a few times, it never worked... but anyway... after the master, went to guatemala as an anthropologist... there, the drinking got a bit more frequent. All the team I was working with was drinking and it seems that alcohol is expected among the humanitarian world... Without using as a cheap excuse, working in humanitarian organizations can be quite challenging for someone who comes from a place where water, electricity, heat, AC, cars, and most of all the assurance that if i express outloud how disappointed I am with my government, I will not be found beheaded on the side of the road the next day... well for someone like that, the wake up call you get when you first land in a country like Guatemala can be quite intense. So without using it as excuse, again, alcohol is a way for us, spoiled brats of the first world, to put up with the atrocities and the reality of the real world... It is challenging, yet so rewarding... when i came back to the US, I stopped drinking as much... So, the addiction issue was still among the "completed" file folder... Until few years later, in New York, where I was living and working in film... I began a new romance with addiction... I remember as if it was yesterday, I was in my kitchen doing dishes or something of the sort when I clearly heard two voices: One was saying... "No, not me, I know addiction... I was addicted once... I am not going to make the same mistake... I was young... I am 31 now, professional, I have learned..." and the other voice... to reply... "I dare you..." as if it already knew what a fiasco I got into, the pretentious, stupid me I was at the time... Not me? At first, the partying was phenomenal... New York City, I looked amazing, I worked in film, I made money... I had many friends, I was on top of the world... The partying started in the summer and lasted for more than just a few months but when January/February came, the partying started to be not as much fun and slowly but surely, after a failed relationship, 9-11 attacks that had left some heavy marks on my psyche (I volunteered like many New Yorkers. It felt right. It was my therapy... I ignored, just like many, the advice of professionals; get into therapy... trauma is trauma and blahblahblah stupid pretentious me, I knew bettwer) fast forward to 2003: I am homeless, no friends except for one, my best friend, who I witness crying because seeing me in such pathetic way is too painful, because the same best friend was in admiration ever since he met me, a friend who always wanted the best for me... And to see how I let drugs rule my life to the point of wanting to die, to the point of not having one single boundary and willing to the humiliation and pain that inevitably comes with the junky life package... My friend (a man on top of that and a latin man) bursted in tears. he was driving. i was in the back going crazy of course...) anyway, long story short, by 36, I could no longer ignore my addiction. The dark creature was still there, never left in fact and was waiting the perfect moment to hit me in the head and push me in the passenger seat... My dark creature was the driver now... I did another rehab... Something that I consider a fiasco and a pure scam... A 30,000 dollars absolutely wasted... One of these "chic" centers, elegant and all... where absolutely nothing is really achieved... Well, I might be a bit too harsh... Maybe, the reality was that in fact, I still wasnt ready... Because now, I know... There is no way I, you, we can stop our addictions if we are not absolutely, completely convinced that this is what we want... We cannot stop using unless we have hit our own personal bottom. And that bottom, is particular to each of us experiences. It is not necessarily when we are close to dying... Four or five weeks ago, I was still in my apartment, could care for myself and my dog... and could have lasted a while longer where in NY, I had burned all the candles... I was living in the street so in my world, it could not really get worse... Four weeks ago, I could have let things drag a little longer... Booze, as i said, is easy to find... I had become good at hiding my drinking too... organized... a real little entrepreneur... But four weeks ago, I don't know if it is because I am 42, if in fact, I am lying to myself and you as well and that I will eventually fall again (While I would like to describe the magic of that monday, I remain cautious... Too often did i claim that "that's it, I am done with using..." to find myself sooner or later, looking for my fix... I have all good reasons to keep cautious. Yet, for the first time in my life, I took the conscious and honest decision that I was, first, extremely tired of this life of drinking and substance abuse and that, I did not have too many options: One was to keep on doing what I was doing and watch the damage alcohol had on my body, my mind and my spirit... or, I would pick an NA meeting to go to and I would commit to go there with an open-mind, to remember that I take what I want and I leave the rest of this meeting, that, another rehab was absolutely out of the question, I lost faith, that I was 42 and you start to realize, oops life does go fast after all, that if you are lucky to be still alive, watch out, your luck could change any time...
I am so happy to be here and to have finally found in NA new hope!!!!
and
everyone
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,507
Hey deadly. (Yes, I read the whole thing 
). I'm so happy you've joined our family - I know it's going to help you so much. This is a wonderful place, & everyone will relate to what you've gone through.
You may think 42 is old - but I was in my 50's when I finally got sober. I played with it my whole life, and never dreamed I could live without it. I have no idea why I clung to it for so long - it never helped me cope with anything, and in the end brought me nothing but misery. The fun it once was is gone, and it's never coming back. I'm glad you learned that - and it sounds like you're determined this time. Congratulations!
). I'm so happy you've joined our family - I know it's going to help you so much. This is a wonderful place, & everyone will relate to what you've gone through.You may think 42 is old - but I was in my 50's when I finally got sober. I played with it my whole life, and never dreamed I could live without it. I have no idea why I clung to it for so long - it never helped me cope with anything, and in the end brought me nothing but misery. The fun it once was is gone, and it's never coming back. I'm glad you learned that - and it sounds like you're determined this time. Congratulations!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,316
My eyes aren't great but I think I got it all 
42's not old - I was around that age when I quit - the last 6 years of recovery have been amazing for me.
Good for you for making a great decision deadlydame - welcome
D
42's not old - I was around that age when I quit - the last 6 years of recovery have been amazing for me.
Good for you for making a great decision deadlydame - welcome
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 167
Thank you Hevyn and Dee... I picked up my orange key tag tonight.... I have 32 days now but wanted to pick the tag up in one of my home groups... It was (as silly as it sounds) quite fun... Addicts in recovery, from what I have noticed, have the ability to become children again, once they get clean... Silly, Happy, fighting, playing bunch of 10 year olds tonight... Thank you for your encouraging words... This week-end, I went through a bit of drama (a friend is drinking his life away and the speed at which he does it is mind boggling) Of course as the good co-dependent that I am, I had taken upon the mission to save him... Yesterday morning, around 5 am, he decided to go on a fishing trip... I haven't heard back from him since... All day, I ruminated my anger over and over... How could he lie to me? How could he do this to me (me? who is trying to help him?) and then I went to my meeting. As soon as I sat down, something shifted. I was somehow reminded that while using, I did the exact same thing... manipulate, lie, use people, and I too, had no boundaries as far as what I would do in order to get my fix. I was reminded that I too, did some pretty "******" things while using. Once we get a taste of what life without drugs can be, we get so excited that of course, we want to convince the world that this is worth it... I agree with you guys, never too old or too young to start the process. We each have our own path to walk and must "Trust" that everything happens for a reason and that everything is ok. I no longer dwell on the fact that I waited to turn 42 to finally decide that I had enough... Thank you again for your kind words, best to both,
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Congrats on 32 days. I was near your age myself when I quit for good.
I recognize a lot of myself in your description of your fear of alcohol. I was the same way. It's too easy to obtain. Great posts and thank you for sharing.
Welcome to SR.
I recognize a lot of myself in your description of your fear of alcohol. I was the same way. It's too easy to obtain. Great posts and thank you for sharing.
Welcome to SR.
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