whatitisnow

for as long as i can remember my father always struggled with depression and alcohol, but i always viewed his problems in that order. that some how if he could stop the depression he would stop drinking and using drugs. like many alcoholics he had many ups and downs and i can't tell you how many times he had been in rehab. my mother eventually became and alcoholic as well after dealing with everything with him and my brother and i. I have recently gone to africa for a mission trip for 8 months on a medical ship. i remember calling my dad and i could just tell he had been drinking. i said something that he normally wouldn't have been too mad over and he started cussing and i in turn said things that i will always regret and he eventually hung up the phone.

3 days later i found that he had been killed in a head on accident. there were prescription pills on the floor of the car and the police said he had been swerving off the road before he wrecked. i immediately came home from africa and had to deal with it all. i am back now but i am so full of mixed emotions and painful memories and the reality that i will never see him again.

i saw i picture of him today from my college graduation and it felt like i could literally reach out and touch him, i remember him so vividly. and then the reality that he will never come back hits again...

i dont know why i'm posting this but i just want someone who truly understands the complications and pain associated with living and loving an alcoholic

LexieCat

Oh, I'm SO sorry this has happened. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it, but I know it still hurts. You must forgive yourself for what you said. It was an understandable reaction to the abusive things that alcoholics/addicts sometimes say. Neither one of you meant what he said, and if he were sober he would understand that. Alcoholism is a terrible disease.

Was anyone else hurt in the accident?

Pelican

I'm very sorry about your loss. I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you grieve this loss.

If it helps any, it is entirely possible that he didn't remember anything you said after he fell asleep. Alcoholics often have blackout periods when they are intoxicated (especially after the alcoholism has progressed). They don't remember anything that happened during the blackout, even though they were fully awake and interacting with others.

You did not cause the accident, his depression, his addiction or his choices. These were his choices.

Forgive yourself, forgive him for not being what you needed him to be, and live your life with purpose.

Recovering2

Your post brings me to tears. I think it's the worst fear for all of us, that the A we love in our life will suffer the ultimate consequence of their choices and leave so much undone.

A's say alot of things they don't mean, but it does wear us down. So we often respond in kind. The hard part is, they don't remember what they said to us but we never forget. Be gentle with yourself. Sounds like even while overseas you made an effort to call home and connect with him. That's commendable.

Your Dad is at peace. He's with his Higher Power and not struggling against this anymore. You're grieving, and that will take time. I love that you're involved in a medical mission, shows that you are trying to live your best life. That's the only thing you have any control over...building a healthy life for yourself.

Peace and Hugs

lizatola

I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad's alcoholism caused me a lot of pain growing up and I'm sure I said things that were hard to hear for him. We fought a lot about his drinking and smoking and other stuff. He passed away a little over a year ago but I work hard at remembering the good times we had before the drinking got bad. It's hard to lose our parents, even if they weren't the best, right? Praying you have peace today as you mourn and adjust to life without him. He is at peace and you can now rest in the memories and in your HP's arms.

whatitisnow

that actually does help a lot now that i think about it

ABIDEBYLAW

Very sorry for your loss. Lost my Dad to cancer several years ago and it hurt alot.
Remember the good times you had with him and live your life the way that would make him proud.
Yesterday is gone. Live for today.
Carpe Diem my friend.