I knew it would probably come to this...

Old 03-07-2013, 08:35 AM
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Unhappy I knew it would probably come to this...

Hey guys. I haven’t been here in a while because I thought thing were going better (stupid of me, huh?). The last time I posted was right after I told my AH that if I found him lying again, I would leave him. Well, last week, I came home after work and knew right off he’d been drinking. All the signs were there. Well, after I asked him several times and he denied it, I told him he had one last chance to “fess up”. I told him I knew he was lying and that it was the lying that made things intolerable, not the slip up. Well, he then admitted to a having a small bottle. I knew he was still lying as the signs were there for having had much more.

I then told him that I wasn’t going to be lied to anymore and that we were through. I went into our closet and started to take my clothes into the guest room until I could make arrangements to move out. (Financially, I had no other choice- no family nearby) Once he realized I was serious, he went nuts. Most verbal threats and trying to block my way to keep me from getting my clothes. I then tried to take my purse, coat and keys to leave. He grabbed my purse (with my key in it) and refused to let me have it. He then blocked my way to get out of the house (he outweighs me by over 100 pounds). After trying several times to get him to calm down, I then tried to grab just my keys and dash to the door. He grabbed me and threw me down on the bed and then tried to hold me, not allowing me to leave. I finally managed to grab just my phone and get to the car (he was too drunk to move very quickly).

Once in my car, he pounded on the window and told me to unlock it. I had to call the cops. He then went inside and left me in my car in 30 degree weather with no coat of keys to start it. Once the cops got there, they tried to talk to him. One of the cops came out to the garage and told me that AH was starting to **** him off and he was tempted to arrest AH just for that. AH even lied to them saying he had only had a small bottle. The cop told him he knew AH was lying when he blew a .27! Because the saw marks on me, they had no choice but to arrest him.

The next afternoon, I picked him up in front of the jail. He seemed very contrite, but I didn’t really want to talk. He told me the next day that this was rock bottom for him. The things he heard while in jail really seem to have gotten to him. He hasn’t touched a drop in 10 days and even bought a breathalyzer that I can ask him to use at any time. He told ne it’s not as a deterrent to drinking, but as a way to try to rebuild the trust he’s destroyed. He’s also finally admitted that, even though he also thought he could eventually go back to drinking and control it, he may never be able to drink again. I’ve spent the last week in the guest room trying to decide what I want. He’s a wonderful man when he’s not drinking and I truly believe if he can avoid the alcohol, we can have a good life together.

I guess I’m not really asking any particular question. I know I have to make up my own mind. I just needed to get all this out someplace where people will understand all the facets of a situation that no one in my real life can understand.
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:45 AM
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I'm sorry you were abused and terrorized by your husband. And I wish you were not still in the home.

Your story is very familiar to me, including being locked out of the house by a raging alcoholic I was running to get away from. And also the picking him up at the jail the next day. And his sad look and contrite posture and his desire to make it all right with me.

I also remember thinking this was the turning point. And he would go to AA and we would not have to divorce because he would get sober and never come at me again the way he did that night.

But my AH white-knuckled for awhile and, as anyone with knowledge of the disease of addiction could have predicted with 98% accuracy, he started drinking again. And because of the couple months of abstinence, his drinking was actually more intense and he was more volatile and crazy than ever in his drunkenness.

I am sorry to say this is very likely to be your story as well. Please find a counselor, an Al-Anon group, and a place to run when he starts drinking again. And whatever safe place you find, stay there. Do not live with him until he has one year clean and sober and has proven by his consistent actions that he is sober and sane.

We have to face reality. We have to let go of our hanging on to the "he's so good when he's sober" reason to stay with someone who is a bully and a tyrant on a regular basis. The most dangerous person in your life today is your husband.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:14 AM
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Was he charged with anything?
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:33 AM
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I am so sorry you have gone through this. I am glad that you did call the police because it was a serious matter and you didnt deserve that type of treatment. All you were doing was establishing and sticking to a boundary. You have that right.
I hope the slight separation, even if another room, gives you the space to gain some clarity. Have you tried Al-Anon?
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:20 AM
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I remember thinking what was said above: The most dangerous person in my (and my children's) life is my husband (and their father.)

Once I knew that, I was forced to start detaching. Once he and I were physically separated, I felt like I might have a chance at sanity, or at a minimum, peace.

Recovery seems to be a lifetime process of humbling oneself and recognizing that alcohol is in straight opposition to any of the real, good things in life. Without that state of mind, they can't succeed in recovery, and without recovery, you can't share your life with him.

Good luck.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:35 AM
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Unfortunately, I'm very aware of the failure rate as I've been attending Al-Anon for about 1 1/2 years. And I've already started to prepare an "escape plan" so as not to be caught off guard again. I've started setting money aside, keeping an extra copy of my car key someplace secure and making plans to get my own place. If he slips up again, I can leave on a moment's notice. I've also seen him white-knuckle it and his general attitude was very different. He says he's hit rock bottom and I'm willing to cautiously accept that while still making plans. And at his trial next week, I'm going to request that he be put on a medication to help him in his "recovery" if that is what he truly wants to accomplish. If he fights it, then I'll know he isn't really being honest.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:36 AM
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Yes, he was charged with assault on a female- misdemeanor.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:23 PM
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Is he working any kind of a program?
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:01 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I learned a few things when my BF would get in my face. If he gets arrested, it is not my job to pick him up from jail. How may other victims of crime chauffer their attackers? Just because it's your husband doesn't make you any less of a victim in this situation. Violence is violence. My BF also tried the at home breathalizer test, I refused to use it. It's not my job to monitor his use, it's his. You didn't need a breathalizer to know he was drinking this last time. Also, you can't really "request" that he be put on a medication. In AlAnon that would be viewed as trying to control his recovery. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is detach and let the court and your spouse work it out.
Keep detached, don't listen to his attempts to pull you back in. Keep going to AlAnon. Most of all, do whatever you have to do in order to stay safe.
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:10 PM
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He was, but that particular group was not a good fit. (I knew some of the stuff going on from open meetings) However, he has not found another one, but is still in touch with a couple of the people he did get to know well. I'm pretty sure the other shoe will drop at some point and I jsut need to be ready. As to taking him home from jail, it was in another town and I'm still trying to live by the slogan "Let go and let God". And the breathalizer isn't for me to police him (you're right. I can tell when he's drinking). He says it's to try to rebuild the trust on those days when I only suspect.
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:27 PM
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It is so sad that the man that you vow to love and respect and whom you feel will protect you at all cost turns out to be the man to abuse and terrorize you. This is what I fear would happen if I provoke my AH while under the influence. He has bullied me before and it is so scarey - I feel so bad for you. Like you, my friends have no idea of how to comprehend something like this! I understand how you feel, wanting to give "one last try", but if like me, this has been going on for years! We are on yet another "last time phase" because they are such good husbands when they are lying and cheating (with alcohol)! I wish you the best. Please keep us updated, we are with you in spirit!
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Old 03-07-2013, 03:25 PM
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I would suggest you make an appointment with a DV counselor to make a safety plan. When you go to court, you can ask for mandatory treatment, but don't try to lie for him to get him off the hook. The story you told us is the truth, and whatever the consequences for him, do not allow him to deprive you of your right to speak the truth.

And screw the breathalyzer. It's all about his behavior. Whether he is drinking or not, if his behavior crosses the line you have the right to protect yourself physically and emotionally.

Hugs, please keep yourself safe.
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Old 03-07-2013, 03:43 PM
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I sincerely have to agree with Lexie about the breathalizer, it's manipulative. That has nothing to do with building trust. You're not his Mom. Also, I understand Let Go and Let God (topic of my Alanon meeting last night!) but that isn't what picking him up from jail is about. That's about enabling the behavior. If he goes to jail for abusing you, then part of the natural consequence is he finds a ride home. As long as we step in, even a little, and make things easier for them it can impede their true recovery. Part of letting go and letting God is realizing you are not in control of what he does or what his consequences are. Stepping back and letting him and his HP work it out may be painful, but it's part of the process of detaching...."Let God". (( hugs ))
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Old 03-07-2013, 04:17 PM
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Dear Don'treallyCare, I made several posts on your thread from last October---I would repeat them again, as I believe they are still valid in relation to your situation.

I would like to share with you a few things I have learned (the hard way) about dealing with loved ones who are alcoholics:

First, it is useless--ABSOLUTELY USELESS--to ask an alcoholic not to lie to us about their drinking. It is like asking a fish not to swim. It is unfair to them and sets us up for more emotional grief. They are in denial and their monster disease inside their brain is lying to them--it tells them that they can do "controlled drinking" and that they can make promises (big fat lies). They may mean their promises at the time, but their need to protect their drinking will not allow them to.

An alcoholic cannot do controlled drinking period. While in denial, they desperately need to believe that they can. The last thing they want to accept is that total abstainence is the only thing that puts the disease into remission. Most will try to "whiteknuckle" it for periods of time to prove to themselves and others that they can drink like "normal" people. This always fails, in time.

Third, just going to AA meetings, alone, is not the same as being in recovery. Sure, it is a very important first step. It can help with staying "sober" or "dry". But, the working the steps with a sponsor is where the true recovery is and helps the alcoholic to change their thinking and attitudes--- and their behaviors.

Fourth, never, EVER, make a boundry for yourself that you are not able, prepared and willing to enforce. To do so is just like telling them that your words are hollow. Your boundries are about what you won't accept---not a to do list for them.

Fifth, one cannot apply the normal logic of a healthy relationship to a relationship with an addict. So much of it is the opposite of what is normally "logical" to most people. This is Sooo confusing (it caused me lots and lots of pain). This is why I believe that one MUST educate oneself about the nature of this disease. One must read and talk to others who have experience with this grotesque disease. There is a lot to learn. Alanon is for learning about yourself and helping yourself. The focus is not on the alcoholic or an educational program about alcoholism. I feel that one must do self education on that front. ***PLEASE, be clear, I am not saying to focus on the alcoholic, as opposed to yorself. What I am saying is that it helps to understand this monster disease that has caused you (and him) so much pain. It helps to keep you from having guilt trips and from having unrealistic and heart breaking expectations.

Sixth, the alcoholic has more excuses than Carter has Liver Pills to avoid treatment. When they start trying to "qualify" the treatment--they are still in denial: "That AA groups isn't a good fit for me", "I'll get into AA if you don't leave", "I can't quit unless you are here to help me", are typical qualifying statements. When an addict reaches their bottom or finally steps out of denial, they will seek recovery regardless of what they will have to do. It will become the TOP priority in their life--above all else!!

These are some of the lessons that I have had to learn from experience. And tears, and brokenhearted nights. More pain than I can describe here--due to lack of space!

I hope you will read this and give some consideration. I would like to spare you some of the pain that I have had to live.

very sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-07-2013, 07:45 PM
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Your state must be more lenient than mine - here in A DV situation you wouldn't have been allowed to pick him up - in fact a restraining order would have been issued and he wouldn't be allowed on your property.

Personally I think its a good way to treat it. If you want to give a real chance he must get into a recovery program otherwise you know what's gonna happen. You know it don't wait around for the next time.

Please be safe and take care of yourself - MAKE THAT ESCAPE PLAN.
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Old 03-08-2013, 05:47 AM
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Dandylion,

Yes, I have set boundries. Last week was the result of one. He had never laid a hand on me prior to this. I always told him if he did, I would call the cops so fast it would make his head spin. Well, he did, so I did. Even though he didn't "hit" me (pushed me onto the bed, grabbed my arms to stop me from leaving and grabbed my shirt (hence the marks seen by the cop)), I don't think he ever really thought I would follow through. I think now he realizes I'm not just saying stuff. And at this point, I'm looking to get a house (in my name only), so if he acts up at all between now and then, I'll be moving on my own. Plus, with it only in my name, if it happens again, the police can make him leave. Believe me, I'm not going to put up with this and I think he realizes it. If he drinks, I won't be there. Simple as that. It's his choice now. I've made mine.

Thank you for bringing up the points about qualifying statments. I'm going to need to do some thinking on how best to word talking to him about that the next time he uses one.
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Old 03-08-2013, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Dontreallycare View Post
Thank you for bringing up the points about qualifying statments. I'm going to need to do some thinking on how best to word talking to him about that the next time he uses one.
It isn't your job to point those out to him. He will not understand what you are talking about, you are wasting your breath and will be engaging in another useless argument that will convince him you don't "understand" him. That was more for YOUR information so you won't be sucked into the warped thinking.

Keep taking care of yourself. There is nothing you can do that will convince him of the errors in his thinking.
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Old 03-08-2013, 11:05 AM
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Dear Don'tReallyCare, Yes, I can see that you are defending your boundry= "I won't live with the drinking". And, believe me, I KNOW that this isn't easy to carry out. Congratulations on taking this step of taking care of yourself!

To pick up on what Lexie just said, I am not criticizing you--just giving information that I did not have---and, I suffered a lot from my lack of understanding and knowledge. Lexie is right---it is pretty futile to expect him to understand what you are saying to him (he most certainly will disagree with anything you say). You just have to say/do anyway, secure in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself. Remember, he is still waist-deep in his denial that he is an alcoholic. He doesn't see that this is a problem! He thinks controlled drinking is possible and desirable. He does not want to give up the most important thing in his life--the ability to drink. His disease is running the show, for him, right now. You have to run the show for you.

Even though I have learned lots of lessons from experience--Don'treallyCare--I still have a hard time dealing with my alcoholics!!! I h ave to set the boundries---I have to do things that make me cry (I'm a mother). They are not out of denial--they think that I am a mean, cointrolling "B****).

BUT, I don't feel like I am going "crazy", anymore. I know that I can love them--FROM A DISTANCE. I live with the serenity prayer and I take it "one day at a time", and try to remember what I have learned thus far. It ain't easy--but, I have avoided lestting the alcohol take MY life from me. I still have hope for my alcoholics, but I am no longer going to destroy my life for this grotesque disease.

Although I am not an alcoholic myself, i have l earned a lot from recovering alcoholics. I have found out that the best people to deal with an alcoholic is other RECOVERING alcoholics.

DontreallyCare, you are doing great---and you will find your way as long as you are committed to taking care of your own welfare, FIRST. Just keep it up--and keep us posted!

sincerely, dandylion
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