sdp

I have recently had 4 relationships go south on me...Am I becoming an awful person, or have I set more boundaries and refused to accept poor behavior?? I do want to note that I am NOT a confrontational person. If I get upset, I cry, so avoidance is my thing...

1) husband... well, no duh!! Since he broke his ankle mid March, his partying has gotten worse. I told him at the beginning if it continued while healing, I would do nothing for him. It continued, so I do nothing for him. I have also pretty much been ignoring him. If he asks me a direct question, I will respond,but that's about it. He called me Sun 6AM, after being out from Friday night, said he didn't want to live this way and we needed to talk. This talk is his to initiate- I have said eveything I can say, many times, and am ignored, so why bother??? Well, he gets home several hours later, and goes upstairs to sleep all day. No talk yet...

2) neighbor. I had posted a while back about our not speaking ..that time was due to his poor treatment of me.. We have not spoken for a while now, and I'm not sure why. I went out to move the car for him one day(we share a driveway) and he had his window up and said nothing... My suspicion is-- a few days before, after drinking for 2 days, he asked me to get him beer.. I said I don't do beer runs... Then, due to the mass quantities of beer consumed that weekend, he put a case of empty bottles in my trash can.. I took them out and put them in his, as I had plans for that space. He put them BACK IN and I took them out again. No talk since. However, it does not bother me, as he doesn't come over anymore, be loud, take candy and talk to my kids about boogers and farts(he's kind of a crude person) It's been nice and quiet...

3) co worker.. I was pretty close to a co worker. Sometimes she would get on her high horse about things and would make me uncomfortable.. Anyway, she got like that last week, and it annoyed me, so I don't really talk to her anymore.. It's odd...

4) Drug store.. I had posted on another forum about how I went into a national chain drug store to buy cigarettes.. I did not have my id and they refused to sell them to me. I'm 40, and I resented their treating me like a child. I sent an email to the corp headquaters stating that their policy was ridiculous and I would no longer shop there. I got a call today from someone, who just spouted their corporate policy of carding people 40 and under, and I said fine, that does not mean I have to shop there anymore. Now I have to transfer prescriptions, but hey, there's a CVS right down the street that will be more than happy to take my money...

I don't really like having these strained relationships, but I don;t see a way around them. Am I overcoming codie-ness or just becoming a real b#@*h? I am really a mellow laid back person who does not enjoy conflicts. My husband and I never have fights. It's usually me hissing mean things to him while he looks at the tv, or looks for a cd he just HAS to show his friends(and you wonder why I don;t talk to him???)

Gabe

sdp,
When you stop accepting unacceptable behavior, it can cause a change in your relationships. People who were used to you taking anything and everything from them will scatter to the four winds when you make it clear that you have raised the bar on what you will tolerate.
That's okay though, because the new and improved standards will allow you to form relationships with people of a higher calibur.
Peace,
Gabe

sdp

Too true. Thanks Gabe.. Good news- just found out neighbor is gone for a week... And a friend of mine is moving, Yest, today and tomorrow is a garage sale, her second. I had left some of my kids stuff with her, and she sold $50!!! My kids are pleased, as it';s their money.. They will give her some, tho....

Oh-- and my kids still love me!!!

Magichappens

Hey sdp,
Being in recovery, I have found, there is a transition period. Becoming the person we are instead of the person we tried to be has lost me some relationships. That has been scary and frustrating. I have found that I need to be open and available for new healthy relationships to fulfill my needs. If I don't, I will be lonely and alone, and probably go back to those old relationships and old behaviors.
As for the ID thing, I don't know of too many places anymore that don't card hundred year old people. Sign of the times. I don't go anywhere anymore without my ID. Hope CVS works out better for you. Hugs, Magic

Lorelai

I would feel good all day if I got carded. One time at Walmart, a boy was checking me out and an older lady was standing by him training him. I was looking down at my checkbook and my cigarettes came up to scan. The lady said "Are you 18?" I looked up from my checkbook all excited thinking she was talking to me. She was actually asking the boy if he was old enough to check out the cigarettes. They had a real good laugh when they realized I thought that she was asking me.

Maybe you just look like you are twenty? Reason for celebration, I'd say.
L

sdp

I like to flatter myself that I look younger, but NOT 18!!! That'll never happen!!!

Grumble grumble... Thanks Lorelei..

And thanks Magic- it's wierd when relationships change.. We'll have to see what happens.

sunflowergal29

sdp... you're doing good- I take it personally sometimes when I look around and realize there are people who just don't like the way I act. That's fine- feeling is mutual. I guess we can't like everyone and vice versa. I agree w/ Gabe &the others about how our relationships change when we quit putting up w/ the b.s. Glad to hear I'm not the only one getting carded. I'm 29 and it gets a little frustrating, but it is definitely a booster- do I look like I'm 17 (I hope I look about 25-it was my favorite age!!). Anyways, cheer up-its a good thing you're letting go of toxic relationships, right?

sdp

True..
And 25 was a good year for me. A crossroad,as it were (when I met my hub)

Ann

I used to feel "obliged" to have a relationship with people I would never choose as friends. Like you, I raised the bar on what I would tolerate and the only friends I lost were friends that I didn't care for anyway.

Reasonable tolerance is one thing. Putting up with bad behaviour is another and something I no longer do.

Nope, there's nothing wrong with you. Your recovery is just shining through.

Hugs
Ann

Alison961

I used to think I was just being a cranky, bitchy, less tolerant person. I really felt like I was putting unreasonable expectations on those around me, expecting them to act the way I wanted them too and then getting angry at myself for that attitude. It took an incident with a former friend to get my head back on straight.

After some repeated bad behavior from this friend, I realized that my expectations were not unreasonable for a reasonable human being, they were just unreasonable for this person! I was not raising my standards for how he should behave, rather for how I needed to be treated. When I realized that, I could move on from there with dignity.

Although I chose to break contact with this person, I no longer feel resentment and have wished him well. He is who he is and there was nothing I could do to change that. However, that didn't mean I had to change my standards for myself.

Make sense?

Alison

sdp

Little update here on the relationships...

1) Hub.. we are speaking now. Not wonderfully, but ok for now.

2) neighbor- still not speaking, but that is good. Less annoyance. Except on weekends- he get ups early when he's not boozing or sleeping it off.. 6:30-7:00 AM Sat and or Sun he's outside, whistiling, goading the dog to bark, firing up his bike or Atv (he doesn;t work) Then, when he has done all this, he'll go in and take a nap. I have told him before I hate when he does that, but apparently he forgot.. anyway, it's his world..

4)(order is switched) drugstore- have not stepped foot in any one of them and have transferred all prescriptions...

Now 3) Co worker- we drifted back into a relationship.. Then today, I mentioned something about Mallo cups.. she didn't know what they were. I tried to explain that they are like Reese's peanut butter cups, but with Marshmallow inside. She says "like Moon Pies" .. I say "no, there's no cake".. she then proceeds to tell me that she hates when I say no like that, that I always have to be so specific and that it really annoys her. We work together, and she's tried to bond with me, but it's hard when I keep doing that. That really hurt my feelings, andit was uncalled for.. I didn't reply, tho, but I will not subject her to the annoyance of my conversation anymore.

And now a new addition-- 5) A friend I have had for about 5 years.. I do need to explain that she is the most codependant person I know.. Her husband left her for her cousin's 23 year old daughter ( they had been together for 32 years) She was having a lot of other problems also and everything fell apart. I would call her frequently to see how she was doing, offer encouragement, etc...Then she started hanging around with this guy, and blew me off a few times.. OK, fine. however, this dude is SUCH a boozo. Physically dependant on alcohol. She has tried setting him up for detox, even drove him there, but he wouldn't go in.. when he gets real bad he fights with him mom, and the mom will call friend, and friend will go over and pick him up, taking him to her home, with her daughter and 2 year old granddaughter. I was over there waiting for her once, and she brought him in , and he was BOMBED-- the kind of bombed where he was swaying, trying to talk to me but I couldn't understand what he was saying, and he was getting mad at me becuase I was not responding correctly . Needless to say, I did not stay long. (my hub is a boozo, but I will say that he NEVER gets like that) It makes me very uncomfortable..
Anyway, how I met her was thru the neighbor mentioned in #2.. I had noticed that she went to visit him a lot. How much, I don;t know, as she would NEVER stop in to say hello to me or my kids. Mind you, the neighbor lives in a little apt attached to our garage-he is in our backyard, and she has to go up my driveway to get there. It dawned on me that if she really were my friend, she would occasionally stop in to say hello to me or my kids (who she has frequently babysat) I would only know she was in my backyard if I happened to look out and see her there.. So, I stopped my "caring friend" calls. obviously she doesn't need me anymore. I'll talk to her if I happen to run into her, but that's about it.

BlueMoon

I just wanna know what's wrong with being a bitch?? Whenever I've been called that, it's cuz I'm not doing what someone else thinks I should be doing. [shrugs] So it doesn't bother me at all! I kinda take it as a compliment - but I'm just a bit odd ya know - - -


Blue

sdp

There's nothing wrong with it.. it just does not come easy to me!!! I did think of a good quote (it;s old, I think)-- Choose your words carefully as you just might have to eat them...Anyway, I am not a confrontational person... In a "fight or flight" situation-- I'm flight!!!!

That quote is for if my coworker realizes how mean she was...