reddog

Since my brother has been home from his stay in the hospital and told by his doctors that he had to stop drinking or die he has stopped, it has been about 2 weeks. He is somewhat moody at times but for the most part he has been pleasant to me. But that was not the case when he drank he was always very negative, as the saying goes the glass is half full or half empty, for him the glass was always empty. He had quit drinking for years he said because he did not want his daughter growing up with a drunk for a father. Then a few years ago started again.

We were always close as brothers and sisters go, except for when he was using. I can't stand being around drunks. (Oddly enough my parents owned a bar when I was growing up.) Now I have this constant feeling of resentment towards him. I guess I am always anticipating the other shoe to drop. For the last year and a half he blamed me for everything and petty sh**t. When I see him I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is going to be in a foul mood. I would like to get past these feelings but I can't.

He has no intentions of getting into any type of recovery program because he will not admit to being an alcoholic. His idea of an alcoholic is someone with a bottle of something in a brown paper bag and hanging out in the gutter. Crazy.... His GF is also an alcoholic and still drinking so I have very little hope that he will not start drinking again. I resent the F**k out of the both of them.

There is a AA meeting twice a week at the church across the street form me I wish I could get the 2 of them to go there.

I welcome any suggestions for getting rid of my resentment.

redatlanta

Head to an Al Anon meeting. This will help you deal with all that you are feeling and will also give you the ability to detach with love from your brother as he has chosen to white knuckle it (aka just a matter of time).

I would stop wishing, hoping and trying to get them to seek recovery. Move the focus from them to you - you can do something about you you can't do anything about them

Wavy

What helped me was understanding what my resentments stem from. They stem for my expectations not being met. I expected ABF to be reasonable and trustworthy and respectful, when in reality he is capable of none of those things for any length of time. I couldn't see that and kept expecting him to be something he's not. That's not his fault. I felt resentful because he didn't do all those things I thought he 'should'. Without those unfounded expectations I wouldn't have those resentments.

You resent them for not getting sober, when in reality what you think they 'should' do, is not something they are capable of doing at the moment. I think resentments are very tied up with acceptance and accepting people for who they actually are rather than who you hope they can be. At least that has been the case for me. I hope that made some sense!

choublak

Maybe it's because I'm not an alcoholic, but I understand resenting someone for not getting sober. Why would anyone NOT want to get sober? It's the best way to be.

Taking5

Have you ever invited them to go to see what they think?

KittenBoo

Sorry this is happening, but you cannot get the two of them to do anything, you cannot get him to not be in a certain mood or to be in a good one, nor can you walk on eggshells around him forever.

All you can control is you and how much interaction you even choose to have with him IF any at all. Sometimes we have to not see toxic people, even if they are family whom we love.

Take care of yourself. Others have to take care of themselves if they even care to. But, that is none of your concern. Focus on you.

Hopeworks

Detaching is a skill we learn in our own recovery and only you can determine how much distance is needed for you to recover from the damages suffered from a toxic relationship.

Clearly the relationship has been unhealthy and there is no requirement that just because we were raised in the same family of origin that we are stuck in close relationships with siblings who are toxic. There is nothing wrong with voicing why you are going to put distance between you... a great counselor/therapist can help you with this process.

You can share your decision in a very loving, non-threatening or accusing, controlling way... he won't like it as A's not in recovery seek to have control over others and he will not like you slipping away.

If he eventually seeks recovery you can get closer again but if he is just abstinent and not in authentic recovery it is only a matter time before he picks up again...

Alanon, counseling and reading, reading reading were huge keys in my putting the puzzle pieces together to find my way out... and true peace and serenity.

LexieCat

Personally, I have trouble understanding why anyone would have only one drink instead of three or four, and cannot FATHOM how somebody can leave a drink half finished.

But that's me.

Recovering2

You can't make them go to AA, but you CAN go to AlAnon for yourself. It's what saved me in my relationship with my brother. I was able to realize that while I love him as my brother, he was toxic and unhealthy for me to be around. So I gently told him that while I love him, I was choosing to distance myself as long as he was actively drinking. His reaction wasn't kind (as I thought), but that's okay. I wasn't doing it for him, I was doing it for me. That was several years ago, and he's still not healthy. But I'm peaceful, and I no longer have ill feelings towards my brother. I just feel sad for his situation. But it's his situation...not mine.

Go to AlAnon, read "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Take care of yourself.