Dealing with guilt and shame
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Dealing with guilt and shame
So, I'm two weeks separated from STBXAH and in the thick of grieving. We've gone no contact and I feel at peace with the fact that it is over. I feel less anxious and have a glimmer of hope about the future despite the sadness that crops up occasionally.
I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that I chose this person to be in my life and married him. Sure, when we met he was sober and putting on a good front but I know that there were signs I missed and boundaries that were crossed even early on.
I feel really shameful and guilty that I messed up and put myself here. I'm pretty frightened that I am broken and will never be healthy enough to choose good men and engage with those good men in a healthy way due to my own dysfunction.
Do any of you have words of advice regarding the healing process and how to move forward after being with an alcoholic (my last two serious relationships have been with addicted men) and also the product of an alcoholic family?
I'm really scared of repeating the pattern and down on myself about there being enough of this to now call it a pattern.
Ugh!
I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that I chose this person to be in my life and married him. Sure, when we met he was sober and putting on a good front but I know that there were signs I missed and boundaries that were crossed even early on.
I feel really shameful and guilty that I messed up and put myself here. I'm pretty frightened that I am broken and will never be healthy enough to choose good men and engage with those good men in a healthy way due to my own dysfunction.
Do any of you have words of advice regarding the healing process and how to move forward after being with an alcoholic (my last two serious relationships have been with addicted men) and also the product of an alcoholic family?
I'm really scared of repeating the pattern and down on myself about there being enough of this to now call it a pattern.
Ugh!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You are not broken. Just wounded. You can get better and you are getting better. You are not static and you are dissolving the old ways, and replacing them with new ways. From this time forward, you will be taking things more slowly, you will not instantly trust the surface presentations, you will pay more attention to when you feel a little queasy inside or have a moment of feeling unsafe or confused. When you aren't sure if your instincts are right, you will find someone in recovery--Al-Anon, a counselor, a pragmatic realistic friend--and you will listen with an open mind. You will give yourself permission to change course at any time. You will be less afraid to be abandoned.You will pay attention when you say "That's okay" to something that really was not okay. You will have an exit door ready for the first indication there is addiction or narcissism in a potential friend or romantic partner.
You will do all this because it is the outcome of your hard experiences which awakened you to unconscious behaviors which you learned in the alcoholic family. The alcoholic family is one which functions on pretense: pretense that things are not that bad, that what happened the night before was just because of stress and it will never happen again, that everyone is close, that everyone is safe. All fake. Growing up in a home like this, children learn to immediately shut out information that creates anxiety in them. It becomes automatic. And when they grow up and draw to them relationships which are destructive to them, they shut out that kind of information again. And don't realize it. They are not aware, as adults, that they are doing unconsciously. So they don't see what someone else would see, and they find themselves in relationships that become like the terrifying home they grew up in.
At first. But then, the relationships start to fail. One after another. And with each experience, there is more awareness making its way to the surface of consciousness. Until finally there is illumination: I have a problem. And action: I am going to change.
So you have. Changed. You are changed. And here you are, on a recovery site, asking such honest, deep questions. No more automatic shutdowns. You have awareness and that had to come to you, could only come to you, through hard experience. And my guess is that the worst is behind you. And the best is ahead of you.
If you go to Al-Anon, it will help you maintain your self-awareness.
You will do all this because it is the outcome of your hard experiences which awakened you to unconscious behaviors which you learned in the alcoholic family. The alcoholic family is one which functions on pretense: pretense that things are not that bad, that what happened the night before was just because of stress and it will never happen again, that everyone is close, that everyone is safe. All fake. Growing up in a home like this, children learn to immediately shut out information that creates anxiety in them. It becomes automatic. And when they grow up and draw to them relationships which are destructive to them, they shut out that kind of information again. And don't realize it. They are not aware, as adults, that they are doing unconsciously. So they don't see what someone else would see, and they find themselves in relationships that become like the terrifying home they grew up in.
At first. But then, the relationships start to fail. One after another. And with each experience, there is more awareness making its way to the surface of consciousness. Until finally there is illumination: I have a problem. And action: I am going to change.
So you have. Changed. You are changed. And here you are, on a recovery site, asking such honest, deep questions. No more automatic shutdowns. You have awareness and that had to come to you, could only come to you, through hard experience. And my guess is that the worst is behind you. And the best is ahead of you.
If you go to Al-Anon, it will help you maintain your self-awareness.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 86
I can related to this because my marriage ended as a result of drug abuse, my XABF committed suicide, and now I am dealing with an AD. I feel almost as if I cant make any choices that dont involve some type of addiction. But after having been to several Al-Anon meetings and joining this forum, I am learning a lot about boundaries, standing up for my self and my beliefs and not being afraid to be the "bad guy" when it comes to my own health and safety. I am not there, but I am getting there. I really hope you can find an Al-Anon meeting that will help you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I know exactly where you are coming from. A year after the relationship ended, I found myself living in shame and disbelief. I just could not understand why I stayed in such a toxic situation. The fact that we were not married, and did not live together probably explains why i did not end it sooner. Regardless, his addiction was consuming my very existance.
I always prided myself on being logical, reasonable, thought I was quite sensible, and before I knew what hit me, I was sucked into his vortex of need. I was completely ignorant . I did not understand alcoholism, or addiction. I just kept thinking he would tire of carrying on, thought he was just partying too much, having too good of a time, and before I knew it I was in over my head.
The wonderful people here at SR have helped me to understand this disease. And from that knowledge I have been able to let go of the shame I carried.
It truly is His disease, not yours. It's ok to let it go. Embrace it ,as a life lesson , painfully learned, and move forward with your life.
As far as getting involved with another alkie, I am so very over cautious. I actually watch how a guy holds his drink. I swear if he holds it the wrong way, I have him labeled, and I probably shouldn't do that. If I go to a social function I can usually tell within five minutes of being there who the asshat will be. I just know who to avoid now. It feels like I developed some sort of alkie radar that is protecting me. And sometimes, I have to remember not to be overjudgemental, but I will NEVER allow myself to get tangled up with an addict again.
i can understand your fear, but we can never allow fear to define us. Just as we cannot allow past experiences to rob us of our inner joy.
Hang in there, better days are ahead.
I always prided myself on being logical, reasonable, thought I was quite sensible, and before I knew what hit me, I was sucked into his vortex of need. I was completely ignorant . I did not understand alcoholism, or addiction. I just kept thinking he would tire of carrying on, thought he was just partying too much, having too good of a time, and before I knew it I was in over my head.
The wonderful people here at SR have helped me to understand this disease. And from that knowledge I have been able to let go of the shame I carried.
It truly is His disease, not yours. It's ok to let it go. Embrace it ,as a life lesson , painfully learned, and move forward with your life.
As far as getting involved with another alkie, I am so very over cautious. I actually watch how a guy holds his drink. I swear if he holds it the wrong way, I have him labeled, and I probably shouldn't do that. If I go to a social function I can usually tell within five minutes of being there who the asshat will be. I just know who to avoid now. It feels like I developed some sort of alkie radar that is protecting me. And sometimes, I have to remember not to be overjudgemental, but I will NEVER allow myself to get tangled up with an addict again.
i can understand your fear, but we can never allow fear to define us. Just as we cannot allow past experiences to rob us of our inner joy.
Hang in there, better days are ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
You are not broken. Just wounded. You can get better and you are getting better. You are not static and you are dissolving the old ways, and replacing them with new ways. From this time forward, you will be taking things more slowly, you will not instantly trust the surface presentations, you will pay more attention to when you feel a little queasy inside or have a moment of feeling unsafe or confused. When you aren't sure if your instincts are right, you will find someone in recovery--Al-Anon, a counselor, a pragmatic realistic friend--and you will listen with an open mind. You will give yourself permission to change course at any time. You will be less afraid to be abandoned.You will pay attention when you say "That's okay" to something that really was not okay. You will have an exit door ready for the first indication there is addiction or narcissism in a potential friend or romantic partner.
You will do all this because it is the outcome of your hard experiences which awakened you to unconscious behaviors which you learned in the alcoholic family. The alcoholic family is one which functions on pretense: pretense that things are not that bad, that what happened the night before was just because of stress and it will never happen again, that everyone is close, that everyone is safe. All fake. Growing up in a home like this, children learn to immediately shut out information that creates anxiety in them. It becomes automatic. And when they grow up and draw to them relationships which are destructive to them, they shut out that kind of information again. And don't realize it. They are not aware, as adults, that they are doing unconsciously. So they don't see what someone else would see, and they find themselves in relationships that become like the terrifying home they grew up in.
At first. But then, the relationships start to fail. One after another. And with each experience, there is more awareness making its way to the surface of consciousness. Until finally there is illumination: I have a problem. And action: I am going to change.
So you have. Changed. You are changed. And here you are, on a recovery site, asking such honest, deep questions. No more automatic shutdowns. You have awareness and that had to come to you, could only come to you, through hard experience. And my guess is that the worst is behind you. And the best is ahead of you.
If you go to Al-Anon, it will help you maintain your self-awareness.
You will do all this because it is the outcome of your hard experiences which awakened you to unconscious behaviors which you learned in the alcoholic family. The alcoholic family is one which functions on pretense: pretense that things are not that bad, that what happened the night before was just because of stress and it will never happen again, that everyone is close, that everyone is safe. All fake. Growing up in a home like this, children learn to immediately shut out information that creates anxiety in them. It becomes automatic. And when they grow up and draw to them relationships which are destructive to them, they shut out that kind of information again. And don't realize it. They are not aware, as adults, that they are doing unconsciously. So they don't see what someone else would see, and they find themselves in relationships that become like the terrifying home they grew up in.
At first. But then, the relationships start to fail. One after another. And with each experience, there is more awareness making its way to the surface of consciousness. Until finally there is illumination: I have a problem. And action: I am going to change.
So you have. Changed. You are changed. And here you are, on a recovery site, asking such honest, deep questions. No more automatic shutdowns. You have awareness and that had to come to you, could only come to you, through hard experience. And my guess is that the worst is behind you. And the best is ahead of you.
If you go to Al-Anon, it will help you maintain your self-awareness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Add regret to the shame and guilt, and that's how I feel....on a good day! On a bad day, I shut down and pretend it never happened.
To cope, I am trying to look at it as just another part of the loss. I lost all those years of my life, as well as the image of myself as someone I obviously am not--a healthy person. I'm dealing with the pain one day at a time.
I figure I've got to work on myself and not think too often about my next relationship, so I've given that over to my HP. And although it seems inconceivable to me, I know that if I do get involved with another alcoholic, I will have better skills to deal with it.
I'm grateful I'm not addicted to a substance, and that consequently, I am in excellent physical health. I've been exercising a lot because the feeling of strength in my body makes up somewhat for the fact it is lacking in my mind. I've also taken on quite a bit of volunteer work which has helped me to see there is a healthy part to my caregiver personality, and that it isn't all the doom and gloom of codependency.
FWIW, you do not seem broken to me in the least. You seem courageous and self aware. Ask yourself how many people you know who are really and truly healthy anyway? It is the human condition to be flawed. All we can do is work on ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and try to grow.
To cope, I am trying to look at it as just another part of the loss. I lost all those years of my life, as well as the image of myself as someone I obviously am not--a healthy person. I'm dealing with the pain one day at a time.
I figure I've got to work on myself and not think too often about my next relationship, so I've given that over to my HP. And although it seems inconceivable to me, I know that if I do get involved with another alcoholic, I will have better skills to deal with it.
I'm grateful I'm not addicted to a substance, and that consequently, I am in excellent physical health. I've been exercising a lot because the feeling of strength in my body makes up somewhat for the fact it is lacking in my mind. I've also taken on quite a bit of volunteer work which has helped me to see there is a healthy part to my caregiver personality, and that it isn't all the doom and gloom of codependency.
FWIW, you do not seem broken to me in the least. You seem courageous and self aware. Ask yourself how many people you know who are really and truly healthy anyway? It is the human condition to be flawed. All we can do is work on ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and try to grow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I brought up this very thing to my therapist this week and he told me I can make a choice not to do that to myself again and to keep just putting one foot in front of the other - to concentrate on the positive things and support I have in my life. He was matter of fact - like Sue that is done no need to hash it out - lets change your brain into processing positivity and not negativity. I also read the new book of Dr Phils yesterday in Barnes and Noble called Life Code - he talks up being "victimized or victim wise." It is a choice we make- I don't want this heinous marrige to define me and I won't let it and you can move forward too.
We all question some of our choices but all we can do is learn from them and accept ourselves with love and understanding - you did the best you could at the time and your future is bright. I stayed with my AH for 13 years and if you read my posts he was a real SOB - now I have questioned why the heck did I stay with such a craphead ? I am sure at the time it served some purpose - it had to - but I am learning to not be so hard on myself like I would be with a friend. Shw yourself some compassion and give yourself a break. You deserve it- With hugs-
We all question some of our choices but all we can do is learn from them and accept ourselves with love and understanding - you did the best you could at the time and your future is bright. I stayed with my AH for 13 years and if you read my posts he was a real SOB - now I have questioned why the heck did I stay with such a craphead ? I am sure at the time it served some purpose - it had to - but I am learning to not be so hard on myself like I would be with a friend. Shw yourself some compassion and give yourself a break. You deserve it- With hugs-
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
