A plea to rescuers:
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 59
A plea to rescuers:
I see threads that go on and on, threads that I find heartbreaking.
You cannot save your addict from himself or herself. You really can't.
Neither can you save a codependent from himself or herself.
The only person you can change or save is yourself. You are only responsible for your own actions and safety, unless you are rearing children who are still young enough to be teachable or to need and accept your protection, or you are caregiver for someone who is elderly or disabled and cannot make their own decisions or care for themselves.
Addicts here in the USA have choices and can get help if they want to. They can manage their disease appropriately if they so choose. There is really no excuse for those who do not.
Making excuses for them will not help them.
If you have children who need protection from the addict in your life, do your job and protect them.
You cannot save your addict from himself or herself. You really can't.
Neither can you save a codependent from himself or herself.
The only person you can change or save is yourself. You are only responsible for your own actions and safety, unless you are rearing children who are still young enough to be teachable or to need and accept your protection, or you are caregiver for someone who is elderly or disabled and cannot make their own decisions or care for themselves.
Addicts here in the USA have choices and can get help if they want to. They can manage their disease appropriately if they so choose. There is really no excuse for those who do not.
Making excuses for them will not help them.
If you have children who need protection from the addict in your life, do your job and protect them.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Great post Whatsit! So true! I don't know how my ego got so big that i thought i could save and/or fix anyone else. Just trying to change and fix the only thing I can, me, has been a difficult enough task....and I still have a long way to go.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Great post Whatsit! So true! I don't know how my ego got so big that i thought i could save and/or fix anyone else. Just trying to change and fix the only thing I can, me, has been a difficult enough task....and I still have a long way to go.
I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life over the suffering my kids went through because I was afraid to stand up to WH.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Whatsit
I see threads that go on and on, threads that I find heartbreaking.
You cannot save your addict from himself or herself. You really can't.
Neither can you save a codependent from himself or herself.
The only person you can change or save is yourself. You are only responsible for your own actions and safety, unless you are rearing children who are still young enough to be teachable or to need and accept your protection, or you are caregiver for someone who is elderly or disabled and cannot make their own decisions or care for themselves.
Addicts here in the USA have choices and can get help if they want to. They can manage their disease appropriately if they so choose. There is really no excuse for those who do not.
Making excuses for them will not help them.
If you have children who need protection from the addict in your life, do your job and protect them.
You cannot save your addict from himself or herself. You really can't.
Neither can you save a codependent from himself or herself.
The only person you can change or save is yourself. You are only responsible for your own actions and safety, unless you are rearing children who are still young enough to be teachable or to need and accept your protection, or you are caregiver for someone who is elderly or disabled and cannot make their own decisions or care for themselves.
Addicts here in the USA have choices and can get help if they want to. They can manage their disease appropriately if they so choose. There is really no excuse for those who do not.
Making excuses for them will not help them.
If you have children who need protection from the addict in your life, do your job and protect them.
Then it went on to harder things and getting arrested, etc. Plus it is really confusing if they are somewhat functional and hold jobs like mine did. Also some go for long periods without doing anything (that we knew of) and then start again.
So years later you finally figure it out....unless we were just slow learners, lol.
Then you mistakenly assume that if you just find them help that they will want it. So it is a few more years of 'helping'. Then nothing seems to work and you 'finally' get educated about addiction and accept it.
I would get irritated coming here and wanting help for my son and just constantly hearing "Just concentrate on yourself." I would think "Well how the heck does that help him and ultimately me?" (figuring once he was better I would be too cause it was his problem that made me unhappy).
Plus I can't wrap my head around the 12 step method and that is fine. What works for one won't work for all. I also can see where a loved one might be codependent. However, I believe that many loved ones aren't. I think in many cases it is like Oprah says "When you know better you do better."
All that said, I think you are basically right but it is something that one has to experience and figure out for themselves as I'm sure you know. Personally I don't think I COULD have concentrated on myself until I first tried everything I could think of to change things. Now I have done that and see that I can't change it that leaves me free to concentrate on me now. I had to give it my best shot. As much as I wish things with my son would change I now have comfort in the fact that I did my absolute best and left no stone unturned to try to help him.
We see people suffering and just like any situation we have some answers but until people are at a point to hear us it is just like talking to the addict if you know what I mean.
Kari
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 59
Hi Kari, yes, I do know what you mean, because I spent years coming around emotionally to what I already knew intellectually. Several years ago I got lucky enough to run into someone who already knew something about recovery and who gently and patiently gave me the direction I needed. It happened when I was ready, though. I went through my nightmare for decades before I was ready to see that I could do some things to take care of myself and that it would be okay to detach with love. Detaching from my WH was really, really difficult, but it works!
Certainly it is irritating to be told to "just concentrate on yourself" when you desperately want to help someone you love, especially a son or daughter.
People who tell us that are usually people who have already walked that road and learned the hard way.
Sometimes we make ineffective decisions with the best of intentions, codependent or not.
My point is, that addicts and codependents don't get better until they want to, and none of us can make them want to by imposing our will on them.
I hurt most of all for the children, who don't have a choice, whose mental and physical health get compromised for the sake of the addict or the codependent, because I was one of them and then I blindly allowed it to happen to my sons. It will take me a long time to forgive myself for their suffering.
Certainly it is irritating to be told to "just concentrate on yourself" when you desperately want to help someone you love, especially a son or daughter.
People who tell us that are usually people who have already walked that road and learned the hard way.
Sometimes we make ineffective decisions with the best of intentions, codependent or not.
My point is, that addicts and codependents don't get better until they want to, and none of us can make them want to by imposing our will on them.
I hurt most of all for the children, who don't have a choice, whose mental and physical health get compromised for the sake of the addict or the codependent, because I was one of them and then I blindly allowed it to happen to my sons. It will take me a long time to forgive myself for their suffering.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Whatsit
Hi Kari, yes, I do know what you mean, because I spent years coming around emotionally to what I already knew intellectually. Several years ago I got lucky enough to run into someone who already knew something about recovery and who gently and patiently gave me the direction I needed. It happened when I was ready, though. I went through my nightmare for decades before I was ready to see that I could do some things to take care of myself and that it would be okay to detach with love. Detaching from my WH was really, really difficult, but it works!
Certainly it is irritating to be told to "just concentrate on yourself" when you desperately want to help someone you love, especially a son or daughter.
People who tell us that are usually people who have already walked that road and learned the hard way.
Sometimes we make ineffective decisions with the best of intentions, codependent or not.
My point is, that addicts and codependents don't get better until they want to, and none of us can make them want to by imposing our will on them.
I hurt most of all for the children, who don't have a choice, whose mental and physical health get compromised for the sake of the addict or the codependent, because I was one of them and then I blindly allowed it to happen to my sons. It will take me a long time to forgive myself for their suffering.
Certainly it is irritating to be told to "just concentrate on yourself" when you desperately want to help someone you love, especially a son or daughter.
People who tell us that are usually people who have already walked that road and learned the hard way.
Sometimes we make ineffective decisions with the best of intentions, codependent or not.
My point is, that addicts and codependents don't get better until they want to, and none of us can make them want to by imposing our will on them.
I hurt most of all for the children, who don't have a choice, whose mental and physical health get compromised for the sake of the addict or the codependent, because I was one of them and then I blindly allowed it to happen to my sons. It will take me a long time to forgive myself for their suffering.
Stuff happens. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.
In my case, I feel like I inadvertently hurt my daughter by not meeting her needs because I was so involved with my addicted son. She is okay and said she had a great childhood but later she was angry at her dad and I for a few years. We were so emmeshed in all this addiction stuff that we missed giving her some of what she needed from us. Luckily she is a strong woman and is okay but we didn't do it on purpose. It does feel bad to think about it though.
Life sure isn't for sissies is it?
Kari
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