My epiphany: I need a "get-away" plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
My epiphany: I need a "get-away" plan.
Hello Everyone:
My husband is a problem drinker. He regularly has a hard drink before dinner, followed by wine at dinner. Sometimes I believe he has two hard drinks before dinner. We've been married over 30 years, and in the course of that time, he has, several times each year, become drunk to excess, to the point I want to be away from him. This drinking pattern has remained as a constant throughout our marriage, not getting any better, nor any worse. However, it is my suspicion that as we both get older (we are 66 years old) he is less able to handle the huge loads of alcohol he is accustomed to drinking.
On rare occasion (maybe once each 5 years) his mood turns nasty, provocative and confrontational. The change is instant, and extremely alarming to me. In an INSTANT, he can change from the man I know to a menacing, bullying jerk. I feel like I can see the devil behind his eyes.
I don't want to bother talking to him about this. We've had this talk many times before. What I want to do is have in place an escape hatch so the next time this happens (and it happened last night) I have some means of dealing with it that does not simply involve me spending a sleepless night in the guest bedroom. I need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I realize that to do this, quickly and efficiently, I need to have ready, at all times, an overnight bag stashed in the trunk of my car, with a change of clothes, important medications and other articles that will get me through a day and maybe more away from home. There are near-by hotels, and my sister lives a couple of hours away, so I do have places to go.
How has this worked for others in my situation? Any other tips that I might add to my "get-away" plan? I assume, that even though I don't intend to engage in useless lecturing, it would be in order for me to dispassionately and matter-of-factly inform my husband of my plans for dealing with him on the next occasion.
Any advice or perspective would be appreciated. You all have been so helpful to me in the past, with other issues, and I know there will be people out there who can help me with this, current predicament.
Thanks so much!
My husband is a problem drinker. He regularly has a hard drink before dinner, followed by wine at dinner. Sometimes I believe he has two hard drinks before dinner. We've been married over 30 years, and in the course of that time, he has, several times each year, become drunk to excess, to the point I want to be away from him. This drinking pattern has remained as a constant throughout our marriage, not getting any better, nor any worse. However, it is my suspicion that as we both get older (we are 66 years old) he is less able to handle the huge loads of alcohol he is accustomed to drinking.
On rare occasion (maybe once each 5 years) his mood turns nasty, provocative and confrontational. The change is instant, and extremely alarming to me. In an INSTANT, he can change from the man I know to a menacing, bullying jerk. I feel like I can see the devil behind his eyes.
I don't want to bother talking to him about this. We've had this talk many times before. What I want to do is have in place an escape hatch so the next time this happens (and it happened last night) I have some means of dealing with it that does not simply involve me spending a sleepless night in the guest bedroom. I need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I realize that to do this, quickly and efficiently, I need to have ready, at all times, an overnight bag stashed in the trunk of my car, with a change of clothes, important medications and other articles that will get me through a day and maybe more away from home. There are near-by hotels, and my sister lives a couple of hours away, so I do have places to go.
How has this worked for others in my situation? Any other tips that I might add to my "get-away" plan? I assume, that even though I don't intend to engage in useless lecturing, it would be in order for me to dispassionately and matter-of-factly inform my husband of my plans for dealing with him on the next occasion.
Any advice or perspective would be appreciated. You all have been so helpful to me in the past, with other issues, and I know there will be people out there who can help me with this, current predicament.
Thanks so much!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 86
I think this is a really good idea. Because I am dealing with an AD, I have usually forced her to get out of the house. HOwever, she really is bigger and stronger than I am, and I have been afraid that she was going to attack me (she has) and hurt me or even hurt me while Im sleeping. Its sad that we have these thoughts. However, usually the threat of police pushes her out the door. Even when I send her out, I still fear that she will sneak back in and hurt me.
Living in fear is no fun. Fear for my life, my other children's lives, and of course, for the AD's well being.
Living in fear is no fun. Fear for my life, my other children's lives, and of course, for the AD's well being.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I take it from your post he has not been physically violent or threatening? Or has he? Or are you afraid he will be?
Is it your goal to simply be able to get away for one to two nights until he sobers up, or do you think you might need to leave for good?
Those answers may dictate what else you might want for your "plan"--if you think there is a chance he might be angry enough to hurt you, you might want to do some safety planning with a domestic violence counselor.
If you aren't afraid of physical harm, but are afraid he might destroy property that is important to you (photo albums, etc.), then you might want to plan for a friend to hold them.
If you think you might have to leave and not come back, you should start making copies of all of your important documents and financial records and store those with a friend.
Is it your goal to simply be able to get away for one to two nights until he sobers up, or do you think you might need to leave for good?
Those answers may dictate what else you might want for your "plan"--if you think there is a chance he might be angry enough to hurt you, you might want to do some safety planning with a domestic violence counselor.
If you aren't afraid of physical harm, but are afraid he might destroy property that is important to you (photo albums, etc.), then you might want to plan for a friend to hold them.
If you think you might have to leave and not come back, you should start making copies of all of your important documents and financial records and store those with a friend.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I agree, be prepared. My mother is 87, been drinking all her adult life, as she ages, she becomes more unstable. Alcohol induced dementia seems to be taking her mind over.
Me, I would stash some money away in my own name and not say anything to him in advance, it will only open Pandoras Box, if he gets out of hand, grab your purse and calmly walk out the door, you can call him later and tell him that you will call him again the next day. Take it from there.
Trying to reason with an unreasonable person is impossible.
Just my two cents, take care of you.
Me, I would stash some money away in my own name and not say anything to him in advance, it will only open Pandoras Box, if he gets out of hand, grab your purse and calmly walk out the door, you can call him later and tell him that you will call him again the next day. Take it from there.
Trying to reason with an unreasonable person is impossible.
Just my two cents, take care of you.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I filed a restraining order in September for that very reason: he can change, in an instant, and you never know if you will get out of that confrontation alive. He scared me then. I have not, thankfully, been scared like that since, even though we have violated the order since he got back from rehab. I have since dropped it. But I will never EVER forget the crazy look in his eyes from that day.
They told me at the domestic violence shelter (yeah, crazy huh? I had to leave MY OWN HOUSE because I was so scared-but I am glad I did) to always have a plan. Always have somewhere to go where he won't find you. Where you will be safe, even if it's just for the night. And don't ever tell him where that place is. Or anyone who will tell him. Just go, have a peaceful night, and worry about everything else in the morning.
Domestic violence takes many forms. Not just physical. And some people do not understand the complexities of the issue, why you don't leave, etc. It's not their choice. It is yours. And if you decide to be done with him, so be it. If you decide to not be done with him, so be it. But make sure you are safe, like I said, even for one night, if he gets that crazy look in his eyes. Because you can guarantee, once you see that, you're in for a very long harrowing night otherwise.
Alcohol makes people crazy. That's one of the reasons why I stopped drinking myself, because I am pretty sure I got that look myself, when I was drunk and enraged at him. People like to say alcohol just exacerbates what is already there, but sometimes, people get this split personality crazy schizophrenic thing going on, that you never would have known was there otherwise. And you have to be prepared for that at any time, that psychotic break (I'm a psych major, it's the only thing I have to compare it to) that being really drunk can cause.
I am sorry, but I am glad too, that I am not the only one that recognizes this thing, I thought I was the only one.
They told me at the domestic violence shelter (yeah, crazy huh? I had to leave MY OWN HOUSE because I was so scared-but I am glad I did) to always have a plan. Always have somewhere to go where he won't find you. Where you will be safe, even if it's just for the night. And don't ever tell him where that place is. Or anyone who will tell him. Just go, have a peaceful night, and worry about everything else in the morning.
Domestic violence takes many forms. Not just physical. And some people do not understand the complexities of the issue, why you don't leave, etc. It's not their choice. It is yours. And if you decide to be done with him, so be it. If you decide to not be done with him, so be it. But make sure you are safe, like I said, even for one night, if he gets that crazy look in his eyes. Because you can guarantee, once you see that, you're in for a very long harrowing night otherwise.
Alcohol makes people crazy. That's one of the reasons why I stopped drinking myself, because I am pretty sure I got that look myself, when I was drunk and enraged at him. People like to say alcohol just exacerbates what is already there, but sometimes, people get this split personality crazy schizophrenic thing going on, that you never would have known was there otherwise. And you have to be prepared for that at any time, that psychotic break (I'm a psych major, it's the only thing I have to compare it to) that being really drunk can cause.
I am sorry, but I am glad too, that I am not the only one that recognizes this thing, I thought I was the only one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
To all those who responded:
Thanks SO much. You've validated the wisdom of my plans. To those who wonder if I was or am in danger of physical harm: I have to say my husband has NEVER physically harmed me, or attempted to do so. However, he has menaced me with statements and with body language when he is drunk. And, bottom line, one can NEVER, EVER, really trust WHAT a drunk might do. I would have slept a lot better last night if I'd been out of the house.
Thanks SO much. You've validated the wisdom of my plans. To those who wonder if I was or am in danger of physical harm: I have to say my husband has NEVER physically harmed me, or attempted to do so. However, he has menaced me with statements and with body language when he is drunk. And, bottom line, one can NEVER, EVER, really trust WHAT a drunk might do. I would have slept a lot better last night if I'd been out of the house.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Electa my xah was the same way and on one occasion I locked myself and the kids in the bedroom with the cell phone. After that night I waited until he was gone and packed clothes and other essentials to last for a week for all 3 of us and put them in bags that looked like the rest of the odds and ends in my trunk so he would not find them and flip out. After 3 months I took them out.
One week later he flipped out again. I had friends who knew what was going on. Took the kids, went to work (had a job with a great boss and co-workers). They entetained my kids while I made arrangements for a hotel room. I waited until I knew he would not be at the house (but took a friend's husband with me just in case) and went and got our stuff.
Same situation. He would be OK but go off in a heartbeat and no one knew what would set him off. I think the day I left it was because I would not take off work so he could go get a haircut-huh? He was basically unemployed at the time but did not want to watch the kids. I could not take off work and ka-pow. He had also verbally threatened physical violence and on one occasion when he was totally wasted charged at me with his fists up. I remember telling him if he hit me it would be the last thing he did before going to jail. Some how it filtered through the haze of booze and he put his hands down. Older DS got to see it all.
A back up plan is always good and while he has never harmed physically he does harm you emotionally and the threat of physical harm is there. Don't minimize it. Stay safe!
One week later he flipped out again. I had friends who knew what was going on. Took the kids, went to work (had a job with a great boss and co-workers). They entetained my kids while I made arrangements for a hotel room. I waited until I knew he would not be at the house (but took a friend's husband with me just in case) and went and got our stuff.
Same situation. He would be OK but go off in a heartbeat and no one knew what would set him off. I think the day I left it was because I would not take off work so he could go get a haircut-huh? He was basically unemployed at the time but did not want to watch the kids. I could not take off work and ka-pow. He had also verbally threatened physical violence and on one occasion when he was totally wasted charged at me with his fists up. I remember telling him if he hit me it would be the last thing he did before going to jail. Some how it filtered through the haze of booze and he put his hands down. Older DS got to see it all.
A back up plan is always good and while he has never harmed physically he does harm you emotionally and the threat of physical harm is there. Don't minimize it. Stay safe!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My RAH threatened violence one night. The next day I stuck cash, an extra credit card, and hid a copy of my car key outside of the house. Packed a bag its still in my car. Actually its all in my car. I also bought a cheapie cell phone just in case. Thankfully RAH decided the day after to pursue a sober life again.
I hear the idea is that if you had to walk out of the house with just your person, no purse no nothing, to be prepared to be able to leave hence the hidden car key cash, credit, and cell phone.
No way would I tell him - not all things are meant to be discussed. This would be an argument and your intent is to be able to protect yourself if you need to, not threaten him with a boundary.
I hear the idea is that if you had to walk out of the house with just your person, no purse no nothing, to be prepared to be able to leave hence the hidden car key cash, credit, and cell phone.
No way would I tell him - not all things are meant to be discussed. This would be an argument and your intent is to be able to protect yourself if you need to, not threaten him with a boundary.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
The only suggestion I have is set the threshold of when you will leave low.
I struggled because there was violence towards himself with my loved one and the worst incident was right after we got married. He punched a window and hurt our dog.
I decided I was going to do the same thing you are doing and leave for hte night if anything ever looked like that again. There was never violence of any form again....so I did not leave. However there were plenty of nights of deep discomfort for me and worry.
I wish I had expanded what, when, why and how I would leave...on the lower end of his behavior.
I don' t know if that makes any sense.
I struggled because there was violence towards himself with my loved one and the worst incident was right after we got married. He punched a window and hurt our dog.
I decided I was going to do the same thing you are doing and leave for hte night if anything ever looked like that again. There was never violence of any form again....so I did not leave. However there were plenty of nights of deep discomfort for me and worry.
I wish I had expanded what, when, why and how I would leave...on the lower end of his behavior.
I don' t know if that makes any sense.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I started planning a few months ahead of time. I made copies of all our keys: house, car, mail. I would sneak important documents out of the house, make copies of them, then put them back. I went to my bank and got a 0% interest credit card. Then I got a safe deposit box at the bank, and put the keys/papers/credit card in it. Any extra money I could get my hands on went in the safe deposit box.
Now, I wasn't worried about having to up and leave in the middle of the night so the safe deposit box worked for me. I was planning to move out. If you think you may have to leave with no notice, at night, then I would see if you have a trusted friend who would keep the items you will need.
Also, if you share a computer I would suggest making sure you delete the history each time after you use the computer. That way he doesn't find things like this site and figure out your plans.
Keep posting, we're here to help you. Stay safe.
Now, I wasn't worried about having to up and leave in the middle of the night so the safe deposit box worked for me. I was planning to move out. If you think you may have to leave with no notice, at night, then I would see if you have a trusted friend who would keep the items you will need.
Also, if you share a computer I would suggest making sure you delete the history each time after you use the computer. That way he doesn't find things like this site and figure out your plans.
Keep posting, we're here to help you. Stay safe.
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