Unsure how to help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3
Unsure how to help
I met my partner as an alcoholic, he functions through his life as most people do. I have always told him I love him either sober or drunk, I have never pressured the issue as I met him as he is, and he is a bit older then me but he does know my concerns about his drinking. Especially recently with what seems to be heart problems, he is trying to address his drinking but I am worried the damage is done, especially when it comes to his heart. He says one of the things he loves is how I accept him as he is, and during the three years we have been together he has had spells as long as 6 months off. I never have gone and brought him alcohol, I refuse to. If he wants it he knows he has to get it, but we have 20 years between our ages so whenever I say about his health he says he's a grown man and can look after himself. All I want is for him to get his heart checked out, not too much to ask but it seems like he's almost given up lately. I've come to the point where I do not know what to do, but I wouldn't walk away from him.
I just am unsure what to do, I can't change my personality to love unconditionally and I can't seem to get him to understand I am worried. I have tried, I've honestly told him a few times that I worry I will wake up to a dead partner, but even my honesty doesn't seem to help. I've heard promises so many times I'm sober for good and usually a week maybe 2 later he's back drinking, even over his pills for not drinking. As I said longest is 6 months but that was just once, and deep inside I was angry he restarted although I didn't show it. Do I have the right to be angry? I'm not sure tbh
Should I be worried about heart conditions cause by alcohol? Has anyone had experience of this? How can I help him without changing who I am?
Thank you and sorry if this message is a bit confusing
ATM he is drinking and has been heavily for 8 months constantly with no time off and drinking for about 25 years in total.
I just am unsure what to do, I can't change my personality to love unconditionally and I can't seem to get him to understand I am worried. I have tried, I've honestly told him a few times that I worry I will wake up to a dead partner, but even my honesty doesn't seem to help. I've heard promises so many times I'm sober for good and usually a week maybe 2 later he's back drinking, even over his pills for not drinking. As I said longest is 6 months but that was just once, and deep inside I was angry he restarted although I didn't show it. Do I have the right to be angry? I'm not sure tbh
Should I be worried about heart conditions cause by alcohol? Has anyone had experience of this? How can I help him without changing who I am?
Thank you and sorry if this message is a bit confusing
ATM he is drinking and has been heavily for 8 months constantly with no time off and drinking for about 25 years in total.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Alcohol is very bad for the heart.
You can stay with him and love him and accept the fact that he will probably die from this disease.
Or you can walk away. There really isn't any way to "make" an alcoholic take care of himself.
You can stay with him and love him and accept the fact that he will probably die from this disease.
Or you can walk away. There really isn't any way to "make" an alcoholic take care of himself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
You have every right to be angry, worried, and hurt. Someone who has been drinking that long and has a heart condition to boot would worry me, too. I don't personally have experience with alcohol & heart disease, but there is a medical connection between prolonged excessive drinking and heart issues - high blood pressure, heart muscle weakening, heart enlargement, heart failure, and the list goes on. (Just google "alcohol heart problems" and there are is a lot of pretty scary information available.) Unfortunately, you can't make him be concerned for his own health, and as much as we want them to, our concerns for the health of our A's doesn't rub off on them (but OH how we wish it could).
You said he is trying to address his drinking, but you also said he's been drinking heavily for 8 months on this last stretch. Can I ask how he is trying to address his drinking? Is he seeking support or help? It is possible for an A to quit drinking on their own, but it's not terribly plausible...it's difficult without a good support system and recovery program, and sorry to say, but if he's been drinking heavily for 8 months straight, it doesn't sound like he has a good program at the moment. Does he have sober moments when you can honestly and calmly talk with him about your concerns?
Now let's focus on YOU, because that's where you can most certainly have a definitive effect. No one will ever ask you to stop loving your partner, A or not. But there are things you can do to make you healthier and more balanced and better equipped to navigate through tough times. Have you tried Al Anon or Smart Recovery? Al Anon is the most popular "family-of" support group out there, but I've also been dipping my toes into the Smart Recovery pool...and so far, I like what I see. They have online meetings on Monday evenings, and from what I have seen thus far, they're going through different coping skills and mechanisms each week to help you work on YOU and how you function/react/communicate/deal with your alcoholic loved one. (You can check out their Family & Friends page here, good info & good tools there.)
My very beginner's viewpoint of Al Anon vs Smart recovery is this: Al Anon seems to be more about sharing your story with others & listening to/learning from others' stories (no cross-talk allowed), whereas Smart Recovery is more of a scientific, behavioral therapy discussion approach (cross-talk allowed) offering specific coping tools & lessons.
Beside reaching out for support, I would also suggest checking out "Pleasure Unwoven" - you can find it in full on YouTube - great movie that goes through the mechanics & biology of addiction. It really helped me to understand WHY an addict can't just stop and how addiction fits the disease model. It doesn't make the effects of addiction less painful, but it did make me feel less crazy to understand a bit more about what it was that my husband was going through. (And having had some difficulty explaining to my mom how an alcoholic has a hard time just stopping and "not knowing how good he has it," I also literally said "HA, SUCK IT, it is a disease!" after watching the movie!)
So in short, I'd say knowledge is power. And the things you need to know are the three C's (you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it) but that you have the power to change things for yourself for the better. Read the stickies here, keep reaching out. Hoping you can find some peace, and sending you strength & hugs.
You said he is trying to address his drinking, but you also said he's been drinking heavily for 8 months on this last stretch. Can I ask how he is trying to address his drinking? Is he seeking support or help? It is possible for an A to quit drinking on their own, but it's not terribly plausible...it's difficult without a good support system and recovery program, and sorry to say, but if he's been drinking heavily for 8 months straight, it doesn't sound like he has a good program at the moment. Does he have sober moments when you can honestly and calmly talk with him about your concerns?
Now let's focus on YOU, because that's where you can most certainly have a definitive effect. No one will ever ask you to stop loving your partner, A or not. But there are things you can do to make you healthier and more balanced and better equipped to navigate through tough times. Have you tried Al Anon or Smart Recovery? Al Anon is the most popular "family-of" support group out there, but I've also been dipping my toes into the Smart Recovery pool...and so far, I like what I see. They have online meetings on Monday evenings, and from what I have seen thus far, they're going through different coping skills and mechanisms each week to help you work on YOU and how you function/react/communicate/deal with your alcoholic loved one. (You can check out their Family & Friends page here, good info & good tools there.)
My very beginner's viewpoint of Al Anon vs Smart recovery is this: Al Anon seems to be more about sharing your story with others & listening to/learning from others' stories (no cross-talk allowed), whereas Smart Recovery is more of a scientific, behavioral therapy discussion approach (cross-talk allowed) offering specific coping tools & lessons.
Beside reaching out for support, I would also suggest checking out "Pleasure Unwoven" - you can find it in full on YouTube - great movie that goes through the mechanics & biology of addiction. It really helped me to understand WHY an addict can't just stop and how addiction fits the disease model. It doesn't make the effects of addiction less painful, but it did make me feel less crazy to understand a bit more about what it was that my husband was going through. (And having had some difficulty explaining to my mom how an alcoholic has a hard time just stopping and "not knowing how good he has it," I also literally said "HA, SUCK IT, it is a disease!" after watching the movie!)
So in short, I'd say knowledge is power. And the things you need to know are the three C's (you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it) but that you have the power to change things for yourself for the better. Read the stickies here, keep reaching out. Hoping you can find some peace, and sending you strength & hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Rachel, your concerns are valid.
My 55 year old next door neighbor dropped dead last month due to an enlarged heart from years and years of abusing alcohol.
It's just a matter of time, before a physical complication will arise. the human body is not meant to consume large amounts of alcohol on a daily basis.
Your husband is a grown adult, he is not a child, do you think you can force him to go to the doctor ?
We have no control over another person, and their choices.
He may never understand your worries. But we do, and I am sorry that you are enduring this at this time of your life.
Keep educating yourself about addiction, it will truly help YOU.
My 55 year old next door neighbor dropped dead last month due to an enlarged heart from years and years of abusing alcohol.
It's just a matter of time, before a physical complication will arise. the human body is not meant to consume large amounts of alcohol on a daily basis.
Your husband is a grown adult, he is not a child, do you think you can force him to go to the doctor ?
We have no control over another person, and their choices.
He may never understand your worries. But we do, and I am sorry that you are enduring this at this time of your life.
Keep educating yourself about addiction, it will truly help YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 21
First of all, it's never too late. Maybe he can't reverse the damage done, but he can stop it from getting worse.
My RA boyfriend is 16 years older than me. He is 51 and had his first drink at age 6. He has been sober for 1 year now and that is the first time in his life. So you can figure that as being 44 years of drinking, most of it very heavy and combined with various drugs. He shouldn't be alive. Every day, when I woke up, the first thing I did was to see if he was breathing. He never knew I did this. I dragged him to the doctor once a year for a regular appointment but he ignored everything they said.
He said when he went to rehab, what he was scared of most was the physical exams and tests on his liver and kidneys. He was terrified of what they were going to find. He said if something was wrong, he'd rather die in his sleep like his brother did (at age 47) than find out he's been killing himself slowly. Maybe your partner has a similar concern about his heart? Some people would just rather not know. Sometimes people figure, the damage is done so there is nothing I can do about it now. Why bother at this point?
My father had a heart transplant last June at age 69. He quit smoking the year before when he got a heart pump. The surgeons remind him all the time that if he had smoked for even 1 more year, his lungs could not have supported a new heart and his heart could not have support new lungs. He would be dead right now. Smoking and drinking are alike in so many ways. Every day that people stop feeding their addiction keeps them one more step away from death. I know these are just words and they might not mean much to your partner. I know it was at least a little bit of an inspiration to my boyfriend.
My RA boyfriend is 16 years older than me. He is 51 and had his first drink at age 6. He has been sober for 1 year now and that is the first time in his life. So you can figure that as being 44 years of drinking, most of it very heavy and combined with various drugs. He shouldn't be alive. Every day, when I woke up, the first thing I did was to see if he was breathing. He never knew I did this. I dragged him to the doctor once a year for a regular appointment but he ignored everything they said.
He said when he went to rehab, what he was scared of most was the physical exams and tests on his liver and kidneys. He was terrified of what they were going to find. He said if something was wrong, he'd rather die in his sleep like his brother did (at age 47) than find out he's been killing himself slowly. Maybe your partner has a similar concern about his heart? Some people would just rather not know. Sometimes people figure, the damage is done so there is nothing I can do about it now. Why bother at this point?
My father had a heart transplant last June at age 69. He quit smoking the year before when he got a heart pump. The surgeons remind him all the time that if he had smoked for even 1 more year, his lungs could not have supported a new heart and his heart could not have support new lungs. He would be dead right now. Smoking and drinking are alike in so many ways. Every day that people stop feeding their addiction keeps them one more step away from death. I know these are just words and they might not mean much to your partner. I know it was at least a little bit of an inspiration to my boyfriend.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Alcohol affects every single organ in the body negatively, except hearing.
Chronic alcoholism will attack either the liver, heart, or brain.
That said, it affects every alcoholic differently. Maybe he should be alive, maybe he shouldn't be. Maybe he is still meant to do whatever it is he is meant to do. But that may or may not have anything to do with you. And just because he continues to hurt himself, does not mean that you have to hurt yourself by watching his pain continue.
Whether you are there or not, he is going to do what he is going to do. And not being there to watch it hurts you less. Take a step back. Let him learn his lesson on his own, because it is his to learn, and he needs to learn it, or he will die. It's simple. And your lesson may be, that you can't help someone, if they don't want it.
Whatever happens as a result of his disease is not your fault.
Chronic alcoholism will attack either the liver, heart, or brain.
That said, it affects every alcoholic differently. Maybe he should be alive, maybe he shouldn't be. Maybe he is still meant to do whatever it is he is meant to do. But that may or may not have anything to do with you. And just because he continues to hurt himself, does not mean that you have to hurt yourself by watching his pain continue.
Whether you are there or not, he is going to do what he is going to do. And not being there to watch it hurts you less. Take a step back. Let him learn his lesson on his own, because it is his to learn, and he needs to learn it, or he will die. It's simple. And your lesson may be, that you can't help someone, if they don't want it.
Whatever happens as a result of his disease is not your fault.
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