dasiydoc

Hello everyone.

I have another thread going on, and someone reminded me of how much experience there is on this forum. I do want to draw from this and I am going to ask a question based on something I am right now thinking about and working on - it is how to set boundaries for myself in regards to my boyfriend who is in what I would call Early Addiction / Highly Functional stage.

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year, and we have had no big issues develop. He has recently came to the decision on his own that he has a problem with cocaine and needs to stop. He has started seeing an addiction doctor twice a week, and he is also reading and doing assignments at home to help with his recovery.

The recent issue that I had with him, last weekend while cleaning MY house, I found a stash of drugs. I confronted him, he lied and said he forgot they were there. I asked him if there were more, he lied. But then upon threatening him of my actions if he was lying to my face, he went and brought out more.

I was angry, and decided to take a break for a week to think things over as I feel betrayed. He knew I didnt want drugs left behind hidden in my house.

Where Im ar right now is this. I do not plan to end our relationship. I think I need to set some boundaries. Here is the problem: overall his behavior is excellent and there are no signs of drug use, or issues with drugs.

He does not go out partying, he has no drug friends that he associates with other than a guy he buys from, We share almost all the same friends and I am confident they do not use drugs, and do not know he uses drugs. He has a great job, does not miss work, he has a good salary and is never broke, he has his own home, his own car, pays his own bills, he is never rude, inconsiderate to me, he is thoughtful, and I feel is an equal participant in our relationship. I can count on him to come home when he says he will, call when he is supposed to, be where he is supposed to be, if I have a problem he will step up to help me, I dont have to worry about his behavior in front of others, I have verified many times things he has told me and I do not think he lies about anything other than drug issues. He is however fairly honest in his use of drugs. He will even tell me if he is going on to get them and when he will be back. He uses mostly when I am not around him, nights after work when we are not together. Sometimes he will use and not tell me I know this. Based on when he does tell me I have seen the following: He will have more energy especially obvious when I know he should be tired, he will be more talkative, and feel more confident. He has an increased interest in sex but nothing disturbing to me, I can see a change in his eyes. He does not have any times when everything is fine and then crazy happens. It is all calm mostly. He tells me he uses only a little to take the edge off and balance his moods.

Since he has been trying to stop this month, I have seen two slips that he told me about. I have noticed nothing more. I can tell changes in his behavior since he is not using, and I do think he has stopped, or at least greatly reduced (if he is lying to me) because he is more depressed, has anxiety, has trouble sleeping. Those are only the physical signs. I also see changes in his attitude and discussion of behavior techniques he is learning, and he makes comments about things from the doctor, or things he reads.

I am trying to figure out how to make boundaries, as I still want to maintain the relationship based on how he is right now. If his use progresses, and his behavior changes then I would of course rethink.

Right now, I am willing to accept an active addict in my life, and I am willing to accept the risk of what goes along with it from a legal standpoint, but I do want to minimize this. So again, no drugs left in my house, but i will not search his person if he is in my home, I wont sit there and watch him get high, or go with him to buy drugs, I wont let him drive the car with me in it if I think he is high, he never drives my car anyway only his, and to his credit he has told me many times that I needed to drive. He knows I will not get angry if he tells me this, and I think this helps with communication in that area. But I am still watchful of what I see before I let him drive.

Ideas on proper boundaries based on what I have shared.

bluebelle

There's a lot of good discussions on boundaries on here. Cynical One has also posted information on this. Essentially, boundaries are for you. They are about what you will accept and allow in your life, and what you won't. Some people might have a boundary that they do not have drugs in their house. It is not something for him where you are trying to control his behavior. For example, you would not say that your boundary is that bf will not drive high. You can't control that. You could have a boundary that you will not ride in a car with someone who is high. That is something you can control--assuming you can tell that person is high.

Lily1918

my boundary is no one in active addiction in my life. period. I have also gone limited contact with my friends and family who are in active codependency, or early recovery. I will not allow anyone inside my home with less than 6months sober.

I can't really make suggestions on what your boundaries should be because you are you and I am me.

I can relate to him being high functioning. My guy is addicted to heroin and he was the worship leader of the church, has a college degree, always paid his bills. He has paid thousands and thousands of dollars for my mildly ******** sons medical expenses and loves both him and my daughter as if they are his own. He has traveled the world playing piano, and won numerous awards.
He is also capable of lying, stealing, cheating, and using illegal drugs. All of his good qualities do not negate the fact that he is an addict. In the same way, all of my good qualities do not negate the fact that I am a codependent.

dasiydoc

Can I just ask Liley, did you make those boundaries based on what you experienced already. Or only because of what could possibly happen in the future? Like I had an active addict in my house and I worried all the time and focused on him, and he caused chaos and wasnt equally participating in out relationship and left me feeling bad and unhappy? Or things were overall really good, but I was afraid that my home would be the target of a drug raid? Like you were weighing the risk /reward of your action and decided for you the risk was too great, or the reward for setting those boundaries was so high and you got so much out of it? Does that make sense? That is sort of where I am at in my thinking trying to put all those things in categories and determine what is ok for me.

Lily1918

well, I come from an addicted family. I tried to make the boundary when I was 12 and had to move in with my dad because my mom was addicted to pills. I didn't resume a relationship with her for 10 years. I have one brother in active addiction on the streets of Detroit, and another 5 years in recovery from alcohol. My uncle became an alcoholic after the Vietnam war and has been in recovery my whole life. One of my sisters is on a binge somewhere in Florida and has abandoned her autistic son. My other sister is codependent, even though her husband is not an addict. My father is also codependent.
I have a personal mantra. "choose you this day how you will live... but as for me and my house we will live in recovery." you see... I know the pain of growing up in an addicted household, and for me, and for my children, the buck stops here.
I still love my addict. I hate his addiction.

It really all boils down to my belief system. The reward is so high. you see, I have a very specific HP. He tells me that I am supposed to have "peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self control." Therefore, if there is anyone in my life who does not seek all of those things and run away from bad things then they have to go. He also tells me "all things work for good fo those who love [me]" and that "it is better to chop off your hand and throw it in the fire than to lose your whole self." bottom line is because my HP says "if you love me, do what I say"
Also, I am a recovering addict and codependent, and my recovery comes first second only to my HP, because my HP is "the truth and the life" and will never lead me out of recovery.

hugs to you! Im so glad to have met you, and I hope you keep posting, did you happen to read cynical ones blog yet? she's to blame for a lot of my thinking as well.

allforcnm

Hi Daisy,

I don't share your exact experience, but I did choose to stay with my husband and support his treatment and Recovery when he reached out for help. I did so right at the very beginning when he was going through withdrawals and needing detox...all the way through the expensive rehab... Marriage counseling & private therapy which he still does about 11 months after the start of it all. I know being there, and being engaged' can have ups and downs. But it can be done successfully.

My husband came home right after he got out of rehab, and I had to set boundaries for myself, but mostly I did them for my sons safety.

The first thing I would suggest is looking at the issue of safety while he is in treatment, especially since your saying he has used in this past month. Relapse is common in early treatment, and it could happen again. I will not speculate that he is using in an ongoing manner; I have no way of knowing this. I will say, leaving the drugs around where he has quick access is not good. It should be one of the first things he puts an end to. I don't exactly understand from your post how much time he spends at your house, but he did hide two bags there and that seems like a lot.

I read on your other post where your thinking about taking away his keys, or giving him limited access. I think these are both good ideas. Maybe think of what you want for you and your home.

"I won't allow drugs to be hidden in my home"
"I won't allow drugs to enter my home"
"I won't allow anyone using drugs to be in my home overnight"
"I won’t allow anyone using drugs to be alone in my home"

Sort of like that. I saw your post about Risk/Reward method your using to help you. So what I would do is then take whatever boundaries your thinking of and list out just like you said: the risk of having this boundary is x, the reward = x. The risk of not having this boundary is x, the reward = x. These things should in my opinion reflect both emotional, physical, and relationship concerns that you have. Then look at those and rate them, or assign importance. That's how I did it basically.

Boundaries are personal and you have to decide what is right for you. Others will feel different based on the relationship they have with their loves one, past experiences, consideration about children, etc

I had to make a boundary when my husband first came home stating that I would not allow my child (then an infant) to be left alone with my husband. I did that until I felt confident watching him handle my son, how he responded to different things that came up. And then I reduced the boundary, until now I have no worries anymore and no boundary. That happened as my husband got better and stronger in his recovery.

Some people would have enforced a rule like "I will not allow husband to see child until he is clean and in recovery for a year". So that is their choice based on their feelings. There is no right or wrong, no rule book, no exact science on this stuff. You get to do what feels right for you.

For me, after I tackled safety issues, since your saying there are no issues with how he treats you. I would just think about what you want way up the road. You have been with him a year, so marriage. Kids? If you don't see it happening, then don't forget while there are a lot of other fish in the sea, it make take time to find one. Before I met my husband, I had to let a few guys go that were not right for me (various reasons but not addiction). And my husband, he had no addiction when I married him. (we just never know what God has in store for us).

One last suggestion, when my husband was in rehab they assigned me a therapist to talk to and work with. She was a big help to me. Maybe you would like to think about something like that to help you navigate your emotions, and issues like this while your boyfriend is in treatment.

Hanna

I just realized I've been spelling your name wrong!

My boundaries today are different because of some painful experiences. Also because... I don't have someone standing in front of me that I already love romantically. If I did it would be harder.

In your shoes, knowing what I know already these would be my boundaries:
No drugs in my home.
No drugs in my car.
No drugs on your person while I am present.
If I suspect you are using in my presence I will step away.
I will not ride in your car.
At work we are colleagues. Period.

That seems like a good start right now.

Glad you are here and that you started this thread!

tjp613

"I will report to the state licensing authority anyone I suspect of violating the terms of their license."

ShootingStar1

Daisydoc, you posted an interesting thought yesterday on another thread that relates to what you're asking here:

I am trying to look at my boundaries and create them based on a risk/reward method. What is the Risk of Creating this Boundary? What is the Reward of Creating this boundary? What is the Risk of not creating this boundary? What is the Reward of Not creating this boundary?

This can be very useful, especially in the short term. And it is a good way to start to think through what boundaries are. You're clearly seeking more and more clarity on this issue.

I am thinking, though, that by framing the question in these terms, you will come up with answers that are time limited, and based on behavior. Your ABF will change, for the better or for the worse, and these solutions will not necessarily stay workable for long.

In long term recovery for co-dependents, I am beginning to believe the questions we ask need to be framed in a much larger, deeper context.

We can ask ourselves "What are my values?" "What do I believe in?" "What are my ethics?"

We then begin to articulate much deeper issues. We begin to truly seek our own soul, and we begin to connect more directly and powerfully to our own values, our own ethics, our own morality.

Then, having formed more of our own identity, we get to an entirely different place when we look at whether someone else's behavior fits into our lives.

I suspect that much of the criticism you are getting on these threads comes from which questions you are asking.

Part of the joy, for me, of working my way out of terrible co-dependency, is that I feel a growing clarity about who I am and what I want. It is truly beginning to take me away from focusing on my abusive STBXAH's needs, demands, and moving me toward a freedom to create a good life, on my own terms.

You clearly are a thoughtful woman, seeking more and more for answers, yet, to me, still unwilling to give up thinking from your ABF's perspective.

In an earlier thread, you started by saying that you have accepted your BF's addiction already. Period. It is as if that statement has become the beginning point of your inquiries. Period.

I'd suggest stepping back and wondering about why you have accepted your BF's addiction. What if that is the starting point for looking at your own values, your own identity? Why would you, why do you accept addiction with illegal substances as okay, as the baseline? What is it in you and your background that makes this okay? As you look at your moral and ethical identity, is this what you want?

I am not answering these question for you: they are intensely personal, but they are intensely self-defining. I'm just suggesting you really get to the heart of the questions at hand.

To me, that is the transition that is so hard and yet so rewarding.

Written with support and compassion; take what you want, leave the rest.

ShootingStar1

shinebright7

Thanks so much for shining the light on values, ethics, and what really matters to me. Feels so much better than on just trying to make rules and draw lines in the sand.

If the values and ethics and considered first, and I really ground myself in them and feel them, then the other parts related to boundaries won't have to be such an EFFORT. They will just be natural extensions of living out of my values. I look forward to feeling more of that. xo

hello-kitty

Those are rules. Boundaries are "I" statements and boundaries need consequences - the steps you will take if you find out they have been violated. If you aren't willing to take action when someone violates your boundaries, they are meaningless.

These are boundaries:

• I will not allow drugs in my home. If someone brings drugs in my home I will ask them to leave immediately. If they don't leave willingly I will.... (call the cops)
• I will not allow drugs in my car. If someone brings drugs in my car, I will throw them AND the drugs out the window.
• I will not be around someone who I suspect is high or has used drugs in the last 24 hours or has drugs on them. If I suspect you are high either I will leave the situation or I will ask you to leave.

Lily1918

I agree that boundaries are about us, not them. I have boundaries to protect my spirit and those of my children.

Hanna

When my boundaries are violated by someone I am dating that is the end. Fini. Thus, no need for explicit consequences. It may happen once, but never again because the person would not be given another opportunity to violate my boundaries. Therefore, they really don't need to know what the consequences will be. It's not about them. It's about what I will tolerate in my life. We are talking about an adult relationship, not a parent and child. I'm not trying to teach them anything, I am stating, for myself what is acceptable to me in my life.

This is, of course, the luxury we have when we are simply dating rather married or parenting with someone.

KittenBoo

You have made the statement to us that you want to set boundaries and that seems good for sure, they are needed in all ways, in many instances in life, in all our lives.

However, this statement I found sort of contradictory or shocking:
I'm assuming you are in some situation that you cannot currently undo financially maybe or something? Because if not, this statement makes no sense to wanting boundaries.

The boundary is: "Addict, I accept you into my life. The end."

I know it might seem nuts to have to have a black & white view point on this and take all or nothing actions, but boundaries with addicts are serious and pretty much involve the boundary of "get the f out of my life and stay out while you are an addict."

I don't see any other boundary than that, but that is just me. Whatever you decide, I wish you well and hope you stay safe.

allforcnm

Wanted to share these thoughts on boundaries with you:

Healthy boundaries are designed to invite people INTO your life in a healthy way.

Boundaries arent punishments to dole out.

Boundaries are requests, and not demands.

Boundaries help to build trust by agreements kept.

Boundaries are Positive statements that begin with "I" and are Understanding and Sharing

Setting Boundaries allow others to know your expectations and helps the other with Consistency.

shockozulu

Boundaries are for me, not the addict.

Boundaries are concrete. You do X I do Y. And follow through. I'll never forget my mothers face the first time I did follow through. Scared the crap out of her that I would walk out. She didn't repeat the behavior again after that, she knew I meant business.

EJG123

Unfortunately, having a boundary like "I will not have drugs in my home and anyone found with them will be made to leave" only makes an addict keep their drugs pocketed/out-of-sght when at your home. Realistically, the only way to keep dtugs out of your home with an active addict is to keep the active addict out of your home. That is just my experience.

hello-kitty

This boundary worked very well for me. I had no proof that my ex was an active addict. He didn't confess to me "I'm an active addict". He lied about using drugs - which made just not allowing "active addicts" in my house a difficult boundary to enforce. I couldn't always tell..... I didn't always trust my gut.

Instead, I drew boundaries regarding bringing illegal substances into my house. My ex came over to visit his son. I caught him with drugs in my house. I made him leave. He hesitated. I told him he had 5 minutes to get out or I was calling the police. He left. It was actually one of the easiest boundaries I ever enforced.

dasiydoc

How did you catch him? were you actively looking for them, or did that happen to become exposed? I wont get neurotic looking for drugs - not my thing.

dasiydoc

Thank you Liley. I appreciate your telling me something about you, and why you needed to make the boundaries that you did. I like that you brought your beliefs about your HP into the mix. I have followed some of your posts and I know that you are a Christian and follow God. You have been through a lot, and I hope that things in your life work themselves out to bring you happiness. I believe that God doesn’t put us in situations that he knows we cannot figure out in due time. I did look at some of those blogs you mentioned I think when I first came here. I have been reading a lot of books and things over the past couple of months. I have centered on a few things right now that are helping me. I have also been toying with talking to the pastor at church. Have you ever done that at your church?

AllFor. Thank you for your posts, both of them. They helped me a lot ! Boundaries don’t have to be mean, or done with anger, and when they are relayed that can also be done in a positive way. Im proud of myself for not reacting quickly to what happened. It has been good for me to have some time to think. Thanks for pointing me to the other information also. I am reading the GYLOS book, but have stopped temporarily to look at some of the worksheets online to help me figure out my boundaries. Once I get started, it makes me look further for more to add to the list.

Hanna. Its ok everyone spells it wrong. Thank you for sticking around and sharing with me, even though I know from your past you want to say RUN. But I hope people remember I have been with my boyfriend over a year, and Im not exactly a newbie at dealing with an addict. But what happened last week was new for me as I had never found him to do anything I had clearly asked him not to do. It has to be handled with a discussion, and a clear boundary of what I need from him going forward. I am having a little trouble making sure I don’t create boundaries that I cannot tell when they have been violated. I mean unless you make a physical detachment, how can you say something like no drugs on your person & know it is being followed. It still comes down to trust doesn’t it? Or I could strip search him every time I see him which he would probably enjoy. But do you get what I mean? I am very appreciative of the replies I got because I know all of you are really trying to help me work through this in my own way. When you feel alone in this stuff, that means a lot to have a little support at least.

Shooting Star, Thank you for your post. It is very helpful also. I do want to tell you that when I started looking at the boundaries, it was more basic, but as I kept thinking and just writing down anything I felt was related then I saw that it did go deeper. It was about my values, and what breaking the boundary represented, and how that would make me feel if I accepted that to happen. Things like that. I am not done with my work on them, but I hope to have it together by the weekend. I only had yesterday morning to work on it.