Trying to be "Normal"

Old 03-06-2013, 11:12 AM
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Trying to be "Normal"

I received a phone call on my cell phone from my house phone. No one was on the other end, but I could hear Ciairra (AD's girlfriend) yelling at Te (AD) to give her the knife, that she was bleeding and she was hurting herself. I could hear Te yelling to leave her alone...it was a jumbled mess. I called 911.

I called Del.

I decided not to run home.

The police called back, said she was intoxicated and that there were no fresh wounds, Ciairra was going to stay with her and that was that.

Del said he was going to go over there and tell her she needed to leave.

This is bull s#$!. She is making our lives miserable. She wont stop drinking.

I am so tired of feeling like a failure and loser because of her. Im tired of the drama. Im tired of the desparate hope I cling too...and knowing its ridiculous. Im just tired. and I want her gone away. I hate her for doing this to herself and to us.

I need the serenity prayer more than ever and I need an Al-Anon meeting. I have to go to the 2nd part of this meeting this afternoon and try to act like a "normal" person. I hate this.
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Old 03-06-2013, 12:17 PM
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Well, since the cops said there were no fresh wounds, all that yelling into the phone about "give me a knife" was to get your attention.
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Old 03-06-2013, 03:03 PM
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One good thing about Al-Anon meetings--you don't HAVE to "act like a normal person."
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Old 03-06-2013, 04:56 PM
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Del got Te (AD) out of the house. My sister texted me, questioning this. I really dont understand how my family, not having been anywhere near as affected as I have can question this.

Later Te called me while I was in a meeting. She was still completely obliterated. She was asking about Del making her leave, then started crying about me not loving her. I simply told her that I do not want her at the house when she is drinking, she knew the rules, that I am not going to allow her to kill herself in my home. I would support her if she wasnt drinking, if she was in treatment, but she has chosen to drink and she is not welcome here, I will not support that. I told her I will not talk to her when she is drunk and she can contact me when she is sober and we can talk.

Now that I am home, my 3 younger kids are asking me to not let her come back home. they dont want her here.

Neither do i.
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Old 03-06-2013, 05:11 PM
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So don't let her back in. Look, you and your other children have a right to feel safe in your own home. How is it fair to THEM to sacrifice their lives for their sister? It's one thing if you choose to do that, but it seems terribly unfair to expect them to do that.
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Old 03-06-2013, 05:44 PM
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Wise words LexieCat!
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Old 03-06-2013, 06:53 PM
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Thank you guys! It is a very hard thing to do as a parent, but she is an adult now. I have done all I can to help her. This is it.

I am fearful and almost certain that she will wind up homeless and on the streets, maybe even dead, but I cant continue to sacrifice my and my children's happiness and safety because of her bad choices.

This is scary, but it must be done.
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Old 03-07-2013, 04:37 AM
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Skella,

I can so relate to your posts. We've gone through this with my 22 DS. Our past year has included: kicking him out, several detoxes, relapses, expensive (self pay) 30 day program + 6 months of soberliving, back home, another relapse, another rehab, and now we are on ~60 days of recovery. This time he is working it hard, going to meetings daily, working with a sponsor etc. But, I now know he is one day away from drinking again.

Anyway, I can so relate to wanting them out of the house. And, just wanting peace again. Then you suffer because they are out of the house and homeless. Its terribly painful for the family. My DS still hasn't a clue the pain he has caused us.

I hope your daughter eventually hits her bottom and wants recovery. There are programs out there that don't cost money (Salvation Army) and people get sober without programs and just working AA/NA (or some other program). Don't lose hope- she can get sober- you just can't control it.

In the meantime try to work on yourself. Keep reading here and posting here. Lots of people have been where you are.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:17 AM
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Thank you so much, HopefulmomtoD.

My daughter came home yesterday and stood at my bedroom door, tearful and saying sorry. I asked her for what and she couldnt form the words. She was drunk and high.

I blew a gasket and that was wrong of me, but I just couldnt hold it in anymore. She had her girlfriend with her and I yelled at her.

Before she came back home, I found pills in her drawers that were not hers, not prescribed to her and I threw them away. When she went to look for them, she was so mad at me, even looking through the trash. She eventually left and didnt come home, and that is good.

My poor sons are so worried that she is going to come back. That makes me so sad. They told me they dont ever want her back.

This morning she is on facebook raging about how horrible her family is, how we dont care about her, basically how we drive her to drink b/c of what we say about her, what we do or dont do... all this stupid stuff. What is even more ridiculous is that her "friends" act as if we really are to blame and that we should just "accept" her.

It's just insanity.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:39 AM
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There is so much chaos and insanity around the active addict, it's enough to make any of us crazy. Does she have a key to your house, how is she getting back in? You're right to draw a line and set a boundary for your other children's sake. She will rant and rave and blame....they have to do that in order to not evaluate their own behavior. Are you in AlAnon? Are our other children old enough for AlaTeen? Think about finding a meeting, and keep the focus on what you can control.
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Old 03-07-2013, 05:58 PM
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She does not have a key (she lost it) so she came over and in when the younger kids and I were just getting home and the door was unlocked. But I have been locking all the doors at night and when we are not here.

I have been to a few Al-Anon meetings and will start going again. My other daughter is 13 and she has said she might be interested in going. My 2 boys are too young.

I havent wanted to go to a meeting this week while AD is acting out. Im afraid to leave the leave the kids (the 13 year old will baby sit on occasion). But I do need to go b/c even if the kids cant go, it certainly helps me cope and help them deal with this too.
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Old 03-07-2013, 06:00 PM
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BTW, now she is texting me saying she wasnt drunk yesterday, even after the police called me and told me she was highly intoxicated.

She's just trying to make excuses and justify her behavior. She seems to think that just because she gets upset or mad or someone says something or looks at her cross wise, she has the right to drink. Or that it is justifiable and we have to accept it. Nope. No I dont.
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Old 03-07-2013, 06:12 PM
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And you wouldn't have to accept it if she WASN'T drinking, either. Whether she was drinking or not, you don't have to have that behavior in your home.

You might want to have your locks upgraded and an alarm installed, if possible. Thirteen is a little young to have to deal with an abusive drunk sibling who is trying to get in. Make sure your younger daughter knows how to call 911 and that she should not hesitate to do so if her sister shows up and tries to get in.

I suggest you contact your local DV hotline and find out whether you can get a restraining order barring her from your home (and also calling, texting, etc.). Even if you don't want to do it immediately, it would be good to find out your options. If you were to do that, the police could come and make an arrest immediately BEFORE the trouble starts. A good start, though, would be to tell her that she is not permitted to come to your home unless she is specifically invited.
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:52 PM
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That is great advice. I dont have to accept that behavior. We always seem to get so tied up in the "drinking" that we forget that the behavior that goes along with it is not acceptable, whether there is drinking involved or not. Abuse is abuse. and I really feel beat up and abused. And though I have tried to shield and protect my younger children from it, they have already seen too much and it is not fair to them.

I have talked to the police about her and I can get an order of protection if she threatens me or harms me. In order to have her officially removed from the house, I must evict her. But she doesnt really know her rights, so I think I am okay (for now).

It also upsets me a bit that my sister was texting me "relaying" information AD told her. When I told my sister the full truth (this all via text) she was unresponsive to me.

I know I just have to let that go and think, if she wants to believe her go ahead. If she wants to feel sorry for her, fine. and if she wants to enable her, that is fine too. Her support would help me, but her relationship with my AD is hers. If she thinks I am not doing the "right" things for her, that is okay too. She can judge me. I have suffered enough. more than she can possibly know.

It just hurts that the people I would hope to be able to lean on the most for support would treat me as if I am doing the wrong things. Or butting in when they see fit (when AD has a crisis) and then stepping out when I need support. I am feeling bitter. I dont like that. but I think its a natural reaction.

Am I alone or have other family members treated people dealing with an alcoholic family member this way?
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:37 PM
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I'm not sure that's correct. According to the Arizona DV law (from the Mesa website):
An act of domestic violence includes:
  • any act which is a dangerous crime against a child under fifteen
  • recklessly endangering another person with a substantial risk of imminent death or physical injury.
  • threatening or intimidating by word or conduct
  • assault and aggravated assault
  • custodial interference
  • unlawful imprisonment
  • kidnapping
  • trespass in the first, second, or third degree
  • criminal damage
  • disorderly conduct
  • harassment
  • stalking
  • interfering with judicial proceedings
  • suspicious photographing, videotaping, filming or digitally recording
  • use of telephone terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, annoy or offend
  • child or vulnerable adult abuse
Relationship of the Parties
An Order of Protection is used for a "family" relationship between you and the Defendant. To obtain an Order of Protection one of the following must apply:
  • Married now or in the past.
  • Live together now or lived together in the past.
  • Parent of a child in common.
  • One of you is pregnant by the other.
  • You are a relative (parent, in-law, brother, sister, or grandparent).
  • Current or previous romantic or sexual relationship. Also, you must state how an act of domestic violence was threatened or committed against you within the last year.
Now, I'm not certain of the statutory definitions of each of those offenses, but it seems to me from your description of the conduct that her behavior probably qualifies as harassment and/or disorderly conduct.

I would call the DV hotline and get very detailed with them and ask what they think. An advocate there could help you apply for an order.
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Old 03-08-2013, 07:42 AM
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Yes, I agree. I do think her behavior qualifies as harassment and domestic violence.Thank you very much for the information.

She texted me last night. Asking why I told Del her and her g/f were fighting. She basically tried to deny there was anything other than her cutting herself going on, that she was not drunk, just mad. and only after that incident did she get drunk or high.

I replied that the police called me and told me she was very intoxicated.

I havent heard from her since.

The lying is unbelievable.

Then this morning on her facebook she posted this quote:

"Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standard of every day life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where your allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you'r reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now."

I dont know who said that, but it is so true. And the even more horrific part is that those surrounding her, the innocent bystanders, like in having a friend or family member commit suicide, suffer through the "suicide" time too.
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Old 03-08-2013, 12:26 PM
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skella, when my son was out of control in this way, I got a no trespassing order---easy to get---not the same thing as a restraining order, though. I had to use it o ne time. I called the police, they were there within 3 minutes. They asked him to leave or be arrested--he left, quietly.

Yes, I have had to deal with relatives who had absolutely NO understanding of what I was dealing with. I learned not to expect support from them. I stopped talking to them about it in any detail. If they questioned me--I simply said, he is an alcoholic who is in denial and I am doing all I can to deal with the situation. THEN, I changed the subject!!! Now, I only talk to those who understand what it is to have a loved one who is an alcoholic.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-08-2013, 02:35 PM
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THat is also great advice! Thank you so much!
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