horriblethisis

I am so grateful for SR…and I apologize for being indecisive over the last few weeks, but I am so confused. Your kindness and insights have been so appreciated. I need to share with you the text I got from my husband today after telling him yesterday that we will be no contact for a while, with the exception of occasional text. Here goes…
“I am lying in bed very confused was up almost all night…yesterday was the worst day of my life and I actually feel sick to my stomach scared alone and trying to shake myself out of this mood. I feel like I have been a yoyo for last 6 weeks. I can’t let myself get as upset as I was yesterday not good for my health. I am trying to accept responsibility and forgive myself, but I really don’t want to have a nervous breakdown. I am working hard and I love you”.
The above “theme” is consistent for attention. What about me? This has been an emotional strain on my health, and he has caused all of it because of his addictions. Why does he always play the victim? Why do I feel so bad and guilty when he writes me stuff like this. I keep responding that I need my “own recovery”, but from the above, do you think he gets that???

jerect

No, He doesnt get it.. an addict is very selfish in their needs, their wants and their desires.. he lost his biggest enabler, of course he is going to do and say things in order to suck you back in..

Keep working on you and everything will work out the way it needs too

constantlylearn

No, If He Did He Would've Said

“I am lying in bed very confused was up almost all night…yesterday was the worst day of my life and I actually feel sick to my stomach scared alone I Can't Imagine How I've Made You Feel and trying to shake myself out of this mood So I Can Work On myself. I feel like I have been a yoyo for last 6 weeks. I'm Very sorry I am Accepting Full responsibility and forgive myself, but I really don’t want to have a nervous breakdown So I'm Talking To My Support.group. I am working hard and I love you. I Know You're Working.On Recovering Too, I'll Wait Patiently Until You're Ready, I'm Sorry For The Hurt I've Caused.


Believe Me, What He's Doing Is Trying To Suck You Back In Because You're His Pitty Party, His Lover, And His Doormat. He Doesn't Get It.

Keep Working On YOU.

(Sorry For All The Random Capital Letters I'm On Mg Phone)

shinebright7

Since you wrote to him that you did not want to have contact for awhile, my suggestion is not to write back to him. He is definitely in that period of regretting what he did and he wants support and attention like you said.

You don't have to give it to him.

This is the moment for a codependent (like me!) where we are about to pick up and "drink" like an alcoholic will.

Instead of the lure of the liquor, we are tempted by the neediness of our man, or the lovey dovey apologies...

You said no contact for a while.

Hold up your end of the bargain because YOU MATTER.

I told my husband no contact the other day too. I did not write back to him when he texted me and I refocused my attention on something else. I repeated to myself: I don't want to talk to him right now. To remind myself of my boundary.

Sometimes I thought of sending him a picture of all the cool snow that was falling. I thought about texting him to ask how his mom was.

I didn't though.

He definitely doesn't get it that you need your own recovery. He doesn't understand the idea of recovery, and he's not in his own, right?

The bigger question is: do you get that you need your own recovery? Where you are actively doing things to take care of yourself and learn to be less codependent?

That's what I've had to focus on. The mind wants to focus on HIM HIM HIM. It feels weird to stop looking over there at the train wreck, but it's so much more rewarding and pleasant to look over here and help myself instead.

Hugs.

shinebright7

Also -- it is TOTALLY normal to feel confused and indecisive. Things are all topsy turvy and my guess is that we all came to SR because of some kind of confusion that we were trying to sort through.

So it's okay. You're amongst people who understand what it's like to be in your situation. "Keep coming back" as they say in Al Anon.

AnvilheadII

NO contact means....NO contact. even the occasional text is CONTACT. one text from him puts you again into a tailspin.

it's simple really...quit reading his texts. delete them. do not reply. carry on with YOUR life. he is INCAPABLE of giving you the emotional response and support you seek. that's called going to the hardware store for bread.

horriblethisis

Yes, he is in recovery...goes to NA at least 3 times per week, and in an additional support group, and therapy...but I know that my recover is just as important.

shinebright7

Great to hear that he's in recovery - sorry I may have missed that before.

Still, no contact is best to keep no contact. You might have already texted him back. I know it's hard.

He has his Support Group for support -- you don't have to be there for him right now. You need to try to be there for you.

What can you do for yourself right now or today that would feel good?

laurie6781

It has only been a little while and based on his txt message it's not recovery yet, he hasn't gotten 'it' yet and is just going through the motions, which don't get me wrong is a start. Many of us, myself included, had to 'act as if' in order to start seeing exactly what recovery was all about.

That being said, go No Contact, work on you, and maybe reconnect at 9 months to a year into his recovery, where you will be able to see by his ACTIONS, NOT his words that he truly is in recovery.

Love and hugs,

jerect

Yes your recovery is important.. In fact it's more important then his because its YOUR recovery and you are trying to put YOU first, take care of your needs and your well being..

NC is the best thing you can do to keep your head on straight and your recovery flowing

LoveMeNow

I thought my husband was in recovery too because he went to NA everyday, had a sponsor and a therapist. Looking back, I now I now see how fooled I was.

Recovery doesn't just mean abstaining from drug use. IMO, it's a complete change...spiritually, emotionally and physically. As I type this, I see have a lot more work to do on myself.

shinebright7

This is so helpful to remember and know.

My husband just went to his first AA meeting last night.

On one hand, great!

And on another hand, so what!?

Time will tell if he chooses to make use of the opportunity he has.

Sitting in algebra class and hearing lectures and talking to people in class does not mean we are learning or can apply any of the lessons/formulas.

Change is an active - not passive thing. It requires willingness.

This helps me remember to keep focusing on me even if my husband does continue to go to meetings.

When we are really in recovery, we change because we are ready to. I already see ways I am changing so I see myself in recovery and I'm so glad for that.