Petty....so why do I let it get to me??!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
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Petty....so why do I let it get to me??!!
I have worked hard at being the bigger person. I have refrained from saying MANY things that I REALLY want to say...My STBXRAH started an affair soon after starting his "recovery" and decided he wanted a divorce soon after. That was 18 months ago...it had been going on for months before I caught them. Her is still with her.
Tonight he shows up at my house to pick up our son to finally spend time wit him for his birthday...that was a week ago. His truck windows are covered in hearts and cute little sayings from valentines day that were written by this "person".
I found it completely disrespectful and hurtful, I don't know why...it just really set me back. I don't need it shoved in my face every chance he gets and I cant believe he would not think that it might bother our son....
btw... it needs to be said. This man is 43 years old and driving around town like that.
sorry, its petty, I know but I just needed to vent. The lack of empathy is not at all surprising...Hes been like that since the day I caught the together.
Tonight he shows up at my house to pick up our son to finally spend time wit him for his birthday...that was a week ago. His truck windows are covered in hearts and cute little sayings from valentines day that were written by this "person".
I found it completely disrespectful and hurtful, I don't know why...it just really set me back. I don't need it shoved in my face every chance he gets and I cant believe he would not think that it might bother our son....
btw... it needs to be said. This man is 43 years old and driving around town like that.
sorry, its petty, I know but I just needed to vent. The lack of empathy is not at all surprising...Hes been like that since the day I caught the together.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
He just turned 16 last week. Hes had a hard time with all of it...and this is the kind of behavior his dad has displayed since it started. He doesn't seem to take any ones feelings into consideration....but I guess that's normal. If he was Mr Considerate he wouldn't have left for another woman now would he???
thanks Hanna...I try pretty hard not to let his stuff get to me but every once in awhile he manages to stoop to a new low and I cant help it.
thanks Hanna...I try pretty hard not to let his stuff get to me but every once in awhile he manages to stoop to a new low and I cant help it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear my3sons, It is understandable that this would bother you. He sounds like an insensitive and self-centered jerk.
Remember that She is, now, the one who has to live with him---Not you, anymore. She will become intimately acquainted with the misery that you once lived with. You don't need to envy her position.
sincerely, dandylion
Remember that She is, now, the one who has to live with him---Not you, anymore. She will become intimately acquainted with the misery that you once lived with. You don't need to envy her position.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I don't know why this has triggered me so much...cant sleep, thinking back on a lot of stuff Ive tried hard not to dwell on. I really don't judge him for wanting a divorce..our marriage was hard, the alcohol was an issue the whole 17 years we were living together. It was a constant battle and I just wanted him sober. Once he got sober he never even gave us a chance, he moved on to her and that was the end of it...it was sudden and quick and shocked the hell out of me.
I don't want to go back to that but I cant help but wonder what would have been...we never tried to work on things with him sober. Ill probabley always wonder that.
What I don't understand is the utter cruelty he has displayed ...he was never like that to me. Its like he just decided one day it was all my fault and he hated me and that was it. If hes so happy I don't see the need for the constant hatefulness and conflict. Your with someone else and so happy then why the need to be so cruel?
I haven't had a night like this in a long time....reminds me why I need to avoid any contact with him at all.
I don't want to go back to that but I cant help but wonder what would have been...we never tried to work on things with him sober. Ill probabley always wonder that.
What I don't understand is the utter cruelty he has displayed ...he was never like that to me. Its like he just decided one day it was all my fault and he hated me and that was it. If hes so happy I don't see the need for the constant hatefulness and conflict. Your with someone else and so happy then why the need to be so cruel?
I haven't had a night like this in a long time....reminds me why I need to avoid any contact with him at all.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
I agree its shockingly inconsiderate and immature. I'm going to make some generalities, here. 1. Alcoholics are known for their immaturity, self centeredness, and blame shifting and 2. men tend to "love" who they are boinking.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, its got to be very painful for spouses that spend years suffering with their alcoholics. Try to continue to show your children how loving mature people behave- you won't regret it.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, its got to be very painful for spouses that spend years suffering with their alcoholics. Try to continue to show your children how loving mature people behave- you won't regret it.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good Lord. He's been driving around like that for TWO WEEKS? What is he, in Junior High?
It's almost laughable.
Look, he's been with her for 18 months. So the fact that he is with her, and most likely will stay there, is pretty much a fact of life. My suggestion is that you work on accepting that. And the more you do that, the better it will be for your son, too. Your reactions are probably at least as distressing for him as his dad's actions.
I'm not defending what he did, and I'm not trying to be hard on you. I know it must have hurt horribly. But climbing out of the pain will free you.
Hugs,
It's almost laughable.
Look, he's been with her for 18 months. So the fact that he is with her, and most likely will stay there, is pretty much a fact of life. My suggestion is that you work on accepting that. And the more you do that, the better it will be for your son, too. Your reactions are probably at least as distressing for him as his dad's actions.
I'm not defending what he did, and I'm not trying to be hard on you. I know it must have hurt horribly. But climbing out of the pain will free you.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear My3sons, there is a saying that I have heard in AA circles: "What do you get when you sober up a drunken horsethief? Answer: A sober horsethief."
Perhaps the curtain has been pulled back, revealing what was there all along.
We have to learn to deal with reality and not our "fantasy" or "potential". As hard as that pill may be to swallow. Otherwise, we are building our house on a foundation of shifting sand.
I pro;pose that perhaps your obsessive thoughts about the past may be coming from 2 main factors. (1) you are still going through a grieving process over the loss of the m arriage. This is to be expected, but if you are too "stuck" for too long, you might need some help.
(2) Staying stuck in the past might be an unconscious way of avoiding the future which you might be very afraid of. It is normal to be fearful of change---it helps to take tiny little baby steps toward facing what we are afraid of.
In either case, I think you need more understanding support and help than you are getting.
Coming here IS a step toward getting support, and I dearly hope that you will stay aroun d and keep posting. There are many, many others that have walked in your same shoes.
It does not have to stay like this. You can move into the future and find much joy i n living.
sincerely, dandylion
Perhaps the curtain has been pulled back, revealing what was there all along.
We have to learn to deal with reality and not our "fantasy" or "potential". As hard as that pill may be to swallow. Otherwise, we are building our house on a foundation of shifting sand.
I pro;pose that perhaps your obsessive thoughts about the past may be coming from 2 main factors. (1) you are still going through a grieving process over the loss of the m arriage. This is to be expected, but if you are too "stuck" for too long, you might need some help.
(2) Staying stuck in the past might be an unconscious way of avoiding the future which you might be very afraid of. It is normal to be fearful of change---it helps to take tiny little baby steps toward facing what we are afraid of.
In either case, I think you need more understanding support and help than you are getting.
Coming here IS a step toward getting support, and I dearly hope that you will stay aroun d and keep posting. There are many, many others that have walked in your same shoes.
It does not have to stay like this. You can move into the future and find much joy i n living.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I really appreciate all the support I get from this site. I love that there are people out there who get it..who have been there done that and don't judge. Al Anon has been helpful also. I have a councilor Ive been going to who is an adult child of an alcoholic and has said " when I listen to you I hear my mother talking about my father" so she gets it and is really helpful. Dandylion hit it right on the nose...Ive been avoiding the future and the fact that if I except this situation and move on that means its really over and I give up the dream. At least Im aware of it right????
Starting over at my age was not in the plan, but Im aware it can be done...I was a single mother when I met him and being one now is very familiar, just not what I ever wanted again. And more importantly not what I ever expected with him. I guess I expected him to continue to be a functioning drinker and my little teapot would not get upset..LOL
I thought he hit rock bottom when we left, I really did. Now im realizing that he hasn't even come close to that yet and hes NOT drinking!!...that's confusing and scary..but not my problem.
Once I got past the Ouch, that hurts part of seeing that crap on his truck, I hit the "really?? are you kidding me? and then I just felt sorry and embarrassed for him. He really is stuck at the age he started drinking and doesn't know how to function in situations like a responsible adult.
I truly have come a long way from dwelling on it 24/7. every once in awhile he does or says something that gets me in the gut and I react but for the most part I have been focusing on working with my son to teach him how to react (or not react) to his dads alcoholic tendencies and except that expecting anything is setting yourself up for disappointment. He tried Al ateen and didn't like it so ive settled on showing him ...he sees me doing my reading every day. He sees me doing the NC and not participating in the crazy and being excepting that it is what it is...and yes sometimes he sees mom get a little hurt. so I guess he is seeing the consequences of treating people like that.
I was concerned what his dads actions would teach him..I didn't want him to think that that behavior was ok..that you just walk off and abandon people and not honor your marriage vows...but I also didn't want to slander his dad to him or want him to disrespect him...funny I was more worried about that then his dad was, unfortunately over the past year his dad has taught him that for me and Im just here to listen when he needs me to. Im not perfect...I definitely slip and make a comment here or there that is not kind. I apologize and say that is my hurt feelings talking and move on.
Im anxiously awaiting the days that I don't feel anything about him anymore and that I realize I have completely moved on. sometimes Im scared that will never happen. After 20 yrs there are a lot of things that start the memories but Im guessing that will happen less and less....kinda sad to think that.
Starting over at my age was not in the plan, but Im aware it can be done...I was a single mother when I met him and being one now is very familiar, just not what I ever wanted again. And more importantly not what I ever expected with him. I guess I expected him to continue to be a functioning drinker and my little teapot would not get upset..LOL
I thought he hit rock bottom when we left, I really did. Now im realizing that he hasn't even come close to that yet and hes NOT drinking!!...that's confusing and scary..but not my problem.
Once I got past the Ouch, that hurts part of seeing that crap on his truck, I hit the "really?? are you kidding me? and then I just felt sorry and embarrassed for him. He really is stuck at the age he started drinking and doesn't know how to function in situations like a responsible adult.
I truly have come a long way from dwelling on it 24/7. every once in awhile he does or says something that gets me in the gut and I react but for the most part I have been focusing on working with my son to teach him how to react (or not react) to his dads alcoholic tendencies and except that expecting anything is setting yourself up for disappointment. He tried Al ateen and didn't like it so ive settled on showing him ...he sees me doing my reading every day. He sees me doing the NC and not participating in the crazy and being excepting that it is what it is...and yes sometimes he sees mom get a little hurt. so I guess he is seeing the consequences of treating people like that.
I was concerned what his dads actions would teach him..I didn't want him to think that that behavior was ok..that you just walk off and abandon people and not honor your marriage vows...but I also didn't want to slander his dad to him or want him to disrespect him...funny I was more worried about that then his dad was, unfortunately over the past year his dad has taught him that for me and Im just here to listen when he needs me to. Im not perfect...I definitely slip and make a comment here or there that is not kind. I apologize and say that is my hurt feelings talking and move on.
Im anxiously awaiting the days that I don't feel anything about him anymore and that I realize I have completely moved on. sometimes Im scared that will never happen. After 20 yrs there are a lot of things that start the memories but Im guessing that will happen less and less....kinda sad to think that.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I don't think it's petty. I think it would really stink to see that kind of display.
Even if you DON'T want him back. My XAH texted my son about his chick: "She is the love of my life and every time we break up and get back together, it only makes us stronger as a couple." My son is 11.
I sat down all my children (11, 10 and 5) and said "Listen, the "Love of your Life" doesn't leave you. That's called "Drama" and it doesn't mean love at all. It means selfishness."
Your son is old enough to know this on his own. He must be so embarrassed.
Even if you DON'T want him back. My XAH texted my son about his chick: "She is the love of my life and every time we break up and get back together, it only makes us stronger as a couple." My son is 11.
I sat down all my children (11, 10 and 5) and said "Listen, the "Love of your Life" doesn't leave you. That's called "Drama" and it doesn't mean love at all. It means selfishness."
Your son is old enough to know this on his own. He must be so embarrassed.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
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WOW stella...11??!!! that is disgusting that he would drag a child into his crap...I don't understand it. there are times I feel like my sons dad will say or do something and I feel as a parent I have to address it, I always look at my motives and now that he is 16 it is becoming less and less that I have to say something, because like you said he is old enough...and is figuring it out for himself.
I am so terrified how this is all going to play out for him as he grows up and gets into his own relationships. I don't want this to follow him around but .....
sometimes I wish I could read his mind and see what he thinks about all of this really....yes he must be embarrassed, confused and frustrated...so sad.
I am so terrified how this is all going to play out for him as he grows up and gets into his own relationships. I don't want this to follow him around but .....
sometimes I wish I could read his mind and see what he thinks about all of this really....yes he must be embarrassed, confused and frustrated...so sad.
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