findingmyslf

Still haven't heard from him and have decided last night that I don't think I can do this anymore. No matter how much you tell yourself not to worry, you do. But why is it that he is the alcoholic and I feel like the failure? I think he just stays with me because no one else will put up with his bullsh**t. I try to talk to him but he doesn't care and tells me I am paranoid or crazy. All I ask for is respect why does that seem like so much to him?

prodigal

You're not going to get respect from him because he doesn't respect HIMSELF. You, in turn, need to respect YOURSELF. I think you're right to some degree that he stays because you put up with his b.s. On the other hand, you're dealing with a sick, hurting person. He may have deep feelings for you, but if the booze is obscuring his thinking (and believe me, it is!), he's not really in touch with his feelings.

I totally understand your frustrations. Trying to reason with a drunk is an exercise in futility. I tried the reasoning route with my AH many times until finally the light bulb over my head came on. I'm not a b**ch, I'm not the angry one, and my behavior is NOT the reason he drinks.

I was being manipulated in a subtle fashion by my AH into feeling like I was the one failing our marriage. It took me a lot of time to wake up and honestly look at past incidents to see just what he had been doing. I don't think he did it consciously, but A's have a way of operating that is amazing to me - even through their booze-induced fog!

I wish I could give you some pithy words of wisdom that would make you stop feeling like you are a failure. Yes, you have failed to make an A in your life see the light and sober up - realize that only he alone can wake up to reality.

Keep coming here .... what I have learned from so many others who post and have the same challenges to meet that I do has been a huge help to me on my road to recovery.

JT

Alcoholism affects everone who is close to the alcoholic. I read something recently that our lives can be affected in only a few months of. Reality is is not what it seems. We WANT to believe in something that is not real. That this is normal. Well it isn't. You don't have to tolerate the intolerable, You don't have to put up with anyone's bullsh*t. You are not paranoid or crazy and it is not too much to ask to be treated with respect.

I don't think an alcoholic deliberately means to cause harm. They just aren't able to face life in the same ways most people can...they need to self medicate. It gets ugly when anyone gets in the way of that. If it wasn't you it would be anyone else.

Give yourself the respect you wish you were getting from him. That will be one less thing you will need from him.

Hugs,
JT

Daffodil

Sometimes I have to ask myself why it is that I give my reality away to a bottle of booze.
Today that is exactly what I do when I want and need common kindness and dignity from someone who is drinking or using. They no longer can control their own behavior.

I have come to find out that I am a divine child of my creator just like everyone else, when I allow someone's actions under the influence to control how I feel and live my life I am really giving my reality away to a bottle or a drug.

This is my life, the only life I will have here. I know today that I can and must only live my own life and if that no longer includes someone because I can not accept the unacceptable so be it. When I am pacing the floor worrying about someone else and have lines on my for head from the mini blinds on the windows because I am "looking" for them, I am giving away moments of my life I'll never get back. Also, to their credit I have to admit they never even ask me to do that. I am the one who chose to focus on them and their actions rather than mine.

When I get uptight and worried today about someone or something, I give it just 15 minutes, I even set the timer, then I do the next thing in front of me to do. Al-Anon's slogan "What would you being doing right this moment if this wasn't happening?" Is one of my life lines to sanity and living each moment to it's fullest.

I truly hope that helps you come to the realization that you are not a failure, I can not control that which is not mine..I don't believe you can either.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

goatfarmergal

Thanks Daffodil for the mental picture of the lines on my head because of the mini blinds!!!!!

I love being able to laugh at myself now, when at the time, it seemed like the end of the world!

Keep coming back findingmyself - it works if you work it!

mountaingirl

You are all so wise.
Thank you for sharing all of that with me.
I really know what you mean, goatfarmergal, about feeling like the one who is the failure. I am experiencing wonderful success with my personal recovery and waiting for my husband to wake up. He is on day 5 sober, but I don't trust it. So I feel guilty!!!
I think you spend so much time knowing that you better have the situation in your capable hands because your mate is untrustworthy, that it becomes a huge new habit. I asked myself today if I was getting a payoff from being the responsible one, and perhaps perpetuating the situation. Some would define that as codependance. Yet, I resist that term, because I am so into my control!
You're not alone

myles1

It is futile looking to him to respect you. Give yourself the respect you deserve and then you'll see some new options and choices open for yourself.

Ngaire

Gabe

Daffodil,
There are a million reasons why I love you.
This is one of them:
"Sometimes I have to ask myself why it is that I give my reality away to a bottle of booze."
Perfect, just perfect. That's a keeper.
Peace,
Gabe

Ladybugg

Daffodil,
Something I have been thinking about for weeks now>>>>
"Sometimes I have to ask myself why it is that I give my reality away to a bottle of booze."
I know I have done it,and I still don't know why. All I know is that I will print this one just in case I need it someday.
I agree with Gabe..definately a keeper!
Ladybugg

kodfishy

Sheesh - I had a newborn when my husband started really drinking. He never spent any time with us, gave her baths while he was drunk, wrecked our car, spent a night in jail, and had an affair.

Then he told me that he had never liked living with me and *he* left *me*.

I was in such a fog myself from believing his lies that I thought I must've done something terrible. I cried and cried.

I felt like the biggest loser in the world. Until he had been gone for two weeks and I realized that I should have kicked him out long ago because he'd done such awful things to me. It took me a long time to emerge from the blanket of manipulation.

One thing I've really learned from this experience is to trust my gut over what my AH tells me.

Patsyd1

Hi Findingmyself,

Dealing with the disease of alcoholism can bring us right to our knees. This man that for all intent purposes looks like a man when he is standing in front of you with his lips rapidly moving......... is in REALITY a human being who is suffering from a disease that manifests itself in the "mind"

Its so hard to "look" at him, and "think"...... he must hear me, he must understand? Well, this is a powerful, baffling and insidious disease that centers in the mind of the alcoholic. The mental obsession (a thought, that overcomes ALL other thoughts).... coupled with a physical compulsion (once we take the first drink, ALL bets are off and we get MORE)...... with a spiritual loss of values (we had values at one time, hopefully, and we begin slowly to move them one by one so that we can do what we need to do...drink)......... pretty soon, we are thinking, doing and saying things that we never ever thought that we would. And here is the part that absolutely baffles us drunks........ We begin to believe our own lies, its called:
Don't Even Notice I Am Lying

Findingmyself, one of the most important things that I had to do for me, was to take the focus off him and what he was doing or not doing........and put the focus on the only thing that I could do anything about....ME

Hon, I would suggest getting to face to face Alanon meetings, sit and listen, identify and do not compare, get some phone numbers and call them. Then just put one foot in front of the other, and keep coming.......and do it for YOU.

There is absolutely nothing that you can do about the alcoholic, but there is much that you can do about YOU.

Love
Patsy