New problem after rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
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New problem after rehab
Hi everyone!
New to this site. Hubby just got out rehab about a week and half ago for alcoholism. He met a girl there that was only in for a day or so while he was there because she was getting out. She is bipolar and tried to kill herself because she was mad at her husband. Well, they exchanged numbers and talk way too frequently for my comfort. Here I am thinking that I am going to get a sober husband back but our daughter and I now have to spend time sharing it with this chick. Her husband doesnt care to spend time with her so she calls and texts my husband instead. I have asked him for my sanity to stop talking to her so much and he agreed but he still talks to her and gets mad when I bring it up. She texted him and asked him if he liked being controlled and treated like a kid after he told her that I am not comfortable with this. Anyone else have to deal with this? If so, please help me!!! This is ruining what he went for because I want to leave. My ex cheated on me and I'll be darned if it is going to happen to me again!!!
New to this site. Hubby just got out rehab about a week and half ago for alcoholism. He met a girl there that was only in for a day or so while he was there because she was getting out. She is bipolar and tried to kill herself because she was mad at her husband. Well, they exchanged numbers and talk way too frequently for my comfort. Here I am thinking that I am going to get a sober husband back but our daughter and I now have to spend time sharing it with this chick. Her husband doesnt care to spend time with her so she calls and texts my husband instead. I have asked him for my sanity to stop talking to her so much and he agreed but he still talks to her and gets mad when I bring it up. She texted him and asked him if he liked being controlled and treated like a kid after he told her that I am not comfortable with this. Anyone else have to deal with this? If so, please help me!!! This is ruining what he went for because I want to leave. My ex cheated on me and I'll be darned if it is going to happen to me again!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You can not control what he does.
You can control what you do.
All I can offer you is this.
If it were me, the boundry would be firm.
What is your boundry?
Mine would be her or your family.
If he doesn't like it, he has the choice to go elsewhere.
You are afraid of what he will do if you make your boundry clear, he knows that.
If he wants to take on another mans problems, let him.
She sounds like a piece of work.
You can control what you do.
All I can offer you is this.
If it were me, the boundry would be firm.
What is your boundry?
Mine would be her or your family.
If he doesn't like it, he has the choice to go elsewhere.
You are afraid of what he will do if you make your boundry clear, he knows that.
If he wants to take on another mans problems, let him.
She sounds like a piece of work.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Is he going to AA meetings? Does he have a sponsor? Because the conventional wisdom is that you don't hang out with the opposite sex (even if you're single) for recovery purposes.
He may not have any bad intentions, but this situation obviously isn't good for his recovery, not to mention your marriage.
Hopefully he comes to his senses, but if he doesn't, you will have to decide what you are willing to tolerate. Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, now might be the time.
He may not have any bad intentions, but this situation obviously isn't good for his recovery, not to mention your marriage.
Hopefully he comes to his senses, but if he doesn't, you will have to decide what you are willing to tolerate. Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, now might be the time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I agree with Lexie, that while in recovery communication with members of the opposite sex in frowned upon. I do know that my EXRAG's new sponsor has strictly forbidden it- no "lets meet for coffee, etc."
After 1st rehab, EXRAG came out not drinking.... But started smoking. No men. Fortunately, the smoking didnt last long. Unfortunately, neither did the sobriety. It wasn't until a few months later when really getting into AA that she made it to Step 13.....
Good luck with this. I am so sick of meddling people that don't respect the boundaries of marriage. It really irks me.
After 1st rehab, EXRAG came out not drinking.... But started smoking. No men. Fortunately, the smoking didnt last long. Unfortunately, neither did the sobriety. It wasn't until a few months later when really getting into AA that she made it to Step 13.....
Good luck with this. I am so sick of meddling people that don't respect the boundaries of marriage. It really irks me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Beginninganew, I hear that this is quite common in the beginning of recovery (although frowned upon in AA). This kind of new relationship seems to serve the purpose of taking the attention off of himself and his recovery process--I am told by people who are in AA. Typically, these relationships don't end well.
His recovery process is his own. The more you object, the more you will be seen as a controlling "nag". It is not likely to get you anywhere. Maybe, the best thing is to think about--or set a boundry as to whether or not y ou are willing to live with someone who is not in "true" recovery. True recovery includes having a sponsor and working through the 12 steps. Just going to meetings won't cut it. The true changes are made in the steps.
sincerely, dandylion
His recovery process is his own. The more you object, the more you will be seen as a controlling "nag". It is not likely to get you anywhere. Maybe, the best thing is to think about--or set a boundry as to whether or not y ou are willing to live with someone who is not in "true" recovery. True recovery includes having a sponsor and working through the 12 steps. Just going to meetings won't cut it. The true changes are made in the steps.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes I too have heard this is not uncommon. I saw it happen recently with my manager who went in for a week and came out with a "new" friend - they texted each other like mad and were meeting up after.....both married. Not sure what happened with it I was so disgusted with her after all the support she had been given during her mental breakdown to come out of Rehab with a potential affair was more than I could take. I detached and exited the situation.
If I were you I would do the same. How much is enough support and how many slaps in the face does one deserve? Deserve isn't the right word - what you deserve is respect, loyalty, admiration and thanks for sticking around through his addiction. I'd send him packing out the door to Ms. Bipolar. My husband is bipolar - hee hee hee - I can assure you he won't enjoy the experience if she isn't medicated properly.
If I were you I would do the same. How much is enough support and how many slaps in the face does one deserve? Deserve isn't the right word - what you deserve is respect, loyalty, admiration and thanks for sticking around through his addiction. I'd send him packing out the door to Ms. Bipolar. My husband is bipolar - hee hee hee - I can assure you he won't enjoy the experience if she isn't medicated properly.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
She isnt a good friend to have if shes talking about you like that (his wife)
Too bad hes too knuckleheaded to see that. Shes not a good friend or a good woman to be getting between a man and his wife nor is she an asset in recovery. Sounds like shes trying to wiggle in his life by bringing him down and causing doubt between yall.
I would put my foot down with this and even go over her head to her husband but thats just me...and sometimes its better to let him figure it out himself.
Sorry for whats going on. Homewrecking enabling titty baby is what she sounds like.
Hopefully he gets into aa and quick full throttle.
Too bad hes too knuckleheaded to see that. Shes not a good friend or a good woman to be getting between a man and his wife nor is she an asset in recovery. Sounds like shes trying to wiggle in his life by bringing him down and causing doubt between yall.
I would put my foot down with this and even go over her head to her husband but thats just me...and sometimes its better to let him figure it out himself.
Sorry for whats going on. Homewrecking enabling titty baby is what she sounds like.
Hopefully he gets into aa and quick full throttle.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Please, please, for the love of God....
...take off your blinders and see what is in plain site before you.
Hope is great, but it's not a strategy. If you are not already doing so, please begin attending Alanon meetings ASAP. Or, if you have not been going to Alanon, keep doing what you've been doing and experiencing the same results.
IMHO it is not appropriate for him to be keeping in contact with this women. She is a mess, and he's newly our of rehab. This is a recipe for disaster.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your child.
Cyranoak
P.s. It already is happening again, but you aren't damned unless you accept it.
Hope is great, but it's not a strategy. If you are not already doing so, please begin attending Alanon meetings ASAP. Or, if you have not been going to Alanon, keep doing what you've been doing and experiencing the same results.
IMHO it is not appropriate for him to be keeping in contact with this women. She is a mess, and he's newly our of rehab. This is a recipe for disaster.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your child.
Cyranoak
P.s. It already is happening again, but you aren't damned unless you accept it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for reading and responding. I do appreciate it. He does go to AA Meetings but does not have a sponsor yet. He attends 3 hour classes every Mon, Wed & Thursday. Wednesdays are family night so this is the second one that I have attended. I did speak with the counselor one on one tonight and he agreed with me.
Believe me, kicking him out on his face is what I would love to do but it is easier said then done. We have a three year old and a mortgage. I did talk to my husband about it briefly before the meeting started tonihgt but he still doesnt see that it is wrong. I am trying to learn how to give my problems to God to help me through this. I honestly do not think that I can take much more before I have a complete breakdown.
I have not attended an alanon meeting yet but I will definitely start going. I need the emotional support....
Believe me, kicking him out on his face is what I would love to do but it is easier said then done. We have a three year old and a mortgage. I did talk to my husband about it briefly before the meeting started tonihgt but he still doesnt see that it is wrong. I am trying to learn how to give my problems to God to help me through this. I honestly do not think that I can take much more before I have a complete breakdown.
I have not attended an alanon meeting yet but I will definitely start going. I need the emotional support....
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Beginninganew 
Thank you everyone for reading and responding. I do appreciate it. He does go to AA Meetings but does not have a sponsor yet. He attends 3 hour classes every Mon, Wed & Thursday. Wednesdays are family night so this is the second one that I have attended. I did speak with the counselor one on one tonight and he agreed with me.
Believe me, kicking him out on his face is what I would love to do but it is easier said then done. We have a three year old and a mortgage. I did talk to my husband about it briefly before the meeting started tonihgt but he still doesnt see that it is wrong. I am trying to learn how to give my problems to God to help me through this. I honestly do not think that I can take much more before I have a complete breakdown.
I have not attended an alanon meeting yet but I will definitely start going. I need the emotional support....
Believe me, kicking him out on his face is what I would love to do but it is easier said then done. We have a three year old and a mortgage. I did talk to my husband about it briefly before the meeting started tonihgt but he still doesnt see that it is wrong. I am trying to learn how to give my problems to God to help me through this. I honestly do not think that I can take much more before I have a complete breakdown.
I have not attended an alanon meeting yet but I will definitely start going. I need the emotional support....
So you know I had a similiar issue with my ah who spoken to a woman whom was saying what your husbands "friend" has about you to me ie that i treat my ah like a child etc of course she threw in that I look like a b too.
Very disrespectful. My ah cut off communication with her but thats because he sobered up and realized what he did wrong in the situation 1. By seeking a friendship with this woman with an emotional no no and 2. By confiding in her about our problems while intoxicated.
He realized the wrong in that and admitted to me.
Nothing happened and he doesnt speak to her anymore but it did hurt regardless.
In the case of your husband I truly believe though sober he is acting in a drunken immature way in which he without perhapse knowing it is seeking someone to enable and "accept" him. The best thing YOU can do is show him that you are the only woman who truly accepts and loves him (that you support him) go to alanon and encourage him to leap into aa and make friends in group of the same sex whom are sober and who will be a positive influence in his life.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Beginninganew
Believe me, kicking him out on his face is what I would love to do but it is easier said then done. We have a three year old and a mortgage.
Our HP is there to hear our prayers and to help guide us but what we decide to do or accept in our lives is ultimately our choice. I hope you will get to an Al Anon meeting soon. Will help you immensely.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
As KatieKate pointed out you can't control his actions but you have every right to set a firm boundary. In recovery (family recovering) him or her have no right jeopardizing family, health, finances...what he does with his recovery either #xmeetings, sponsors, etc. is his deal...you deserve a safe house for you and your daughter either with or without him...his actions do not speak of recovery....but your actions will...best to you...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 21
When my boyfriend was in rehab, the women and men were kept seperate and now allowed to speak to each other when they were around each other. After he got home, he did make female friends in AA. Although AA says it is a no-no, I am actually glad some of them are in his life because some of them are really great people. Here is the difference...
They are respectful of our relationship as he is of their's. They don't discuss sexual or romantic relationships with each other. I was a jealous in the beginning and we had some fights about it but I came to understand that his connection with them was as platonic as the friendships I have with some men.
There was an exception with one woman that called him constantly. Asking him for rides all the time etc. We had several fights about her and he too saw nothing wrong with it. It became out of hand. I finally put my foot down when I saw a text she sent him saying that she hoped she wasn't making me mad. I could see right through her BS. He backed away from her and she got wacko on him for it. It was then he realized that her mental instability reached far beyond alcoholism. He cut her off and down the road found out she started doing the same with someone else from AA and apparently makes a habit of it.
This woman appears to be a lot like her. She is trying to manipulate your husband and it appears to be working. Either he's going to see it and back off or he's going to learn the hard way. Either way, you need to make it clear to him that you are no longer going to stand for having another woman telling him how to behave in your marriage. Alcoholism or no, it's not ok.
They are respectful of our relationship as he is of their's. They don't discuss sexual or romantic relationships with each other. I was a jealous in the beginning and we had some fights about it but I came to understand that his connection with them was as platonic as the friendships I have with some men.
There was an exception with one woman that called him constantly. Asking him for rides all the time etc. We had several fights about her and he too saw nothing wrong with it. It became out of hand. I finally put my foot down when I saw a text she sent him saying that she hoped she wasn't making me mad. I could see right through her BS. He backed away from her and she got wacko on him for it. It was then he realized that her mental instability reached far beyond alcoholism. He cut her off and down the road found out she started doing the same with someone else from AA and apparently makes a habit of it.
This woman appears to be a lot like her. She is trying to manipulate your husband and it appears to be working. Either he's going to see it and back off or he's going to learn the hard way. Either way, you need to make it clear to him that you are no longer going to stand for having another woman telling him how to behave in your marriage. Alcoholism or no, it's not ok.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
AA doesn't say you can't have friends of the opposite sex in the program--just that you shouldn't get TOO friendly (sharing too many personal/emotional issues, etc.)--especially early on. I had some casual friends who were guys. One or two of them started acting "crush-y" and I would back away from those.
This particular situation, though, seems definitely over-the-top.
This particular situation, though, seems definitely over-the-top.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
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Im so sorry you are going through this after everything alcoholism has already damaged in your life. The good news is, he is sober now and you don't have to put up with him. Do not force yourself to allow this type of behavior because you have a child together, that is the last thing that children should be taught by either parent. I dont mean that to sound disrespectful but I know first hand the kind of damage it does. You and your baby deserve so much more than that.
I agree with everyone else, set your boundary, if he crosses it know that it is not your fault, it is his choice and even though it hurts and you know it is a mistake, it is his to make. Hold him accountable for his actions. By allowing him to continue this relationship with her even though it hurts you, you are telling him that it is acceptable and you will still be there for him.
I had a simular situation with my RAH before he went to rehab but I stood my ground and made it clear that I would not stay with him if he chose to continue that type of behavior. I put my children before myself when it came to that, I have 3 girls and a boy and I would never want them to think that it's ok to put up with a cheating, lying, disrespectful spouse or grow up to be one...
Who knows, maybe this is just another lapse in sanity and it wont take long for him to come back to reality? Seeing that he doesnt see his wrong or even understand how his behavior effects you I highly doubt it. I strongly reccomend getting some help for yourself whether you choose to stay or not, put you and your child on a pedestal, the damage done to yours and his/her physche greatly outweighs that mortgage payment by far.
I agree with everyone else, set your boundary, if he crosses it know that it is not your fault, it is his choice and even though it hurts and you know it is a mistake, it is his to make. Hold him accountable for his actions. By allowing him to continue this relationship with her even though it hurts you, you are telling him that it is acceptable and you will still be there for him.
I had a simular situation with my RAH before he went to rehab but I stood my ground and made it clear that I would not stay with him if he chose to continue that type of behavior. I put my children before myself when it came to that, I have 3 girls and a boy and I would never want them to think that it's ok to put up with a cheating, lying, disrespectful spouse or grow up to be one...
Who knows, maybe this is just another lapse in sanity and it wont take long for him to come back to reality? Seeing that he doesnt see his wrong or even understand how his behavior effects you I highly doubt it. I strongly reccomend getting some help for yourself whether you choose to stay or not, put you and your child on a pedestal, the damage done to yours and his/her physche greatly outweighs that mortgage payment by far.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
He may never agree that his communications and "friendship" with her are wrong, but you can't convince him or take a vote and win this.
Have faith in your instinct that says it's wrong (it is). To marry is to forsake all others. And then decide whether you are willing to live in violation of your core beliefs and not having your needs met. This is *your* boundary issue. What he thinks or believes isn't really relevant.
Have faith in your instinct that says it's wrong (it is). To marry is to forsake all others. And then decide whether you are willing to live in violation of your core beliefs and not having your needs met. This is *your* boundary issue. What he thinks or believes isn't really relevant.
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