Well, I did it...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Well, I did it...
After all the talk in my thread yesterday about codependency and boundaries and thinking it over and going to an al anon meeting and then not talking to my husband on the phone last night because I didn't want to be around him...
This morning we texted and I stood up for myself.
I told him I am not okay with living with an active addict who is not in recovery so he needs to know that before he thinks about coming home.
I told him I am not willing to keep subjecting myself to the stress and heartache because I deserve to feel better than that.
He said over and over that he will get into recovery. That he does not want to lose me. That he will stop. He told me that my love will make it possible for him to stop.
I told him I do love you and it has not made you stop. That is obviously not the solution.
I told him addiction is powerful and people have lost way more than relationships over it and still have not stopped sometimes. Addiction is negatively affecting you and it's negatively affecting me.
He told me not to give up on him that he will get to meetings and get into recovery. I told him I love you and I'm not giving up on you. I am taking care of myself and they are different things and I hoped he could understand that.
He said I was making him feel bad and scared and sad and making him cry.
I said, yeah, I know what it's like to be scared and sad, and crying over this situation. It sucks.
I said you think I wanted to show up at an AA meeting 3 weeks ago because I realized my husband was an addict!? It was the last place I wanted to be, but i was desperate so I got the courage to go and showed up and cried through the whole meeting.
I told him his addiction is very serious to me and he has to decide if it's serious to him.
He said he's serious and he will go to a meeting when he comes home.
I said if you're serious, go today and don't wait. He said okay.
I am not getting my hopes up.
I told him I don't care what you do. Go ahead and keep using. But I will not live with an active addict not in recovery.
I said things are not going to get better -- addiction is a progressive disease and it will just keep getting worse so that's why I'm not willing to live in that situation.
He asked me what airline he took to fly down there.
I said check your email. (As if I'm going to help him fly home so we can fall into our old pattern again!?)
He says I can't find it. Didn't we do it on your computer?
I said Yes we did. An i did not give him any more details or help.
I went to my Al Anon meeting this morning and processed some more of this.
Talked about how even if he does go a meeting today, I will have no way of knowing that he's telling the truth.
And if I quiz him or ask for proof, that is just being more codependent, so I am not even going to ask.
I don't care what he does. I can not control him, but I am making it clear that I will not live in that situation anymore.
After the meeting I saw he left a text that said he called the AA hotline and found a meeting in the city he is in and named one of the meetings. He said he was going to go. That he did not want to lose his wife.
I did not get excited and hopeful. I simply replied I love you.
He wrote back later Please don't give up on me.
I said I love you. I am not giving up on you. I'm taking care of myself and I hope he can see the difference.
This kinda feels like tough love, but man...
Right now I'm just so clear that continuing to live in this situation with an active addict would make me SO SICK. Just sicker and sicker. And I love myself too much to do that anymore.
Part of me in is outrage. Like HELL NO I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS ANYMORE!!
Another part is calmer and clear about it like it's just common sense. Get away from the biting dog unless the dog is being trained not to bite.
It has been a big day for me. We have still not talked on the phone and I don't intend to talk to him on the phone.
I know I get weaker when I am using my voice instead of text/writing, so I am doing what I feel safe with. Texting is working for me right now. and helping me keep my distance so I feel safe.
I am going to need to do a lot of turning things over to my Higher Power and really stay as grounded as I can in my Al Anon work.
I am not used to laying personal boundaries for myself at all. And telling someone what I will and won't accept.
But honestly right now I feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
If he gets into recovery, great, we will both be in our own recovery together. I know hsubands and wives who are doing this successfully and I am willing to go down that road together. My husband is sick. I am sick. If he wants to get well, I totally support that. I know that I want to get well and I'm going to work my program so I can feel better.
If he doesn't get into recovery, great. Then I will be clear he can go be an active addict somewhere else, but not in my space because I claim this area for me and my healthy life.
I don't feel excited or empowered right now after doing this -- but somewhere I feel stronger and more sure. And I feel safer because I am finally helping myself out of a scary and dangerous situation for my well-being.
I trust that my Higher Power is taking care of me. And my husband.
I do feel detached in a loving way right now -- he will do what he's going to do, but thank God that I spoke up for myself because if I didn't do it, no one was going to.
Thank you for the love and support you've given me here. I know I wouldn't have felt so courageous without the loving input from you that helped me look at myself more clearly to find my own truth.
It doesn't matter what direction my husband goes in.
I am going toward wellness and taking care of me and that is the main thing that matters.
One day at a time. Let go and Let God. xo
This morning we texted and I stood up for myself.
I told him I am not okay with living with an active addict who is not in recovery so he needs to know that before he thinks about coming home.
I told him I am not willing to keep subjecting myself to the stress and heartache because I deserve to feel better than that.
He said over and over that he will get into recovery. That he does not want to lose me. That he will stop. He told me that my love will make it possible for him to stop.
I told him I do love you and it has not made you stop. That is obviously not the solution.
I told him addiction is powerful and people have lost way more than relationships over it and still have not stopped sometimes. Addiction is negatively affecting you and it's negatively affecting me.
He told me not to give up on him that he will get to meetings and get into recovery. I told him I love you and I'm not giving up on you. I am taking care of myself and they are different things and I hoped he could understand that.
He said I was making him feel bad and scared and sad and making him cry.
I said, yeah, I know what it's like to be scared and sad, and crying over this situation. It sucks.
I said you think I wanted to show up at an AA meeting 3 weeks ago because I realized my husband was an addict!? It was the last place I wanted to be, but i was desperate so I got the courage to go and showed up and cried through the whole meeting.
I told him his addiction is very serious to me and he has to decide if it's serious to him.
He said he's serious and he will go to a meeting when he comes home.
I said if you're serious, go today and don't wait. He said okay.
I am not getting my hopes up.
I told him I don't care what you do. Go ahead and keep using. But I will not live with an active addict not in recovery.
I said things are not going to get better -- addiction is a progressive disease and it will just keep getting worse so that's why I'm not willing to live in that situation.
He asked me what airline he took to fly down there.
I said check your email. (As if I'm going to help him fly home so we can fall into our old pattern again!?)
He says I can't find it. Didn't we do it on your computer?
I said Yes we did. An i did not give him any more details or help.
I went to my Al Anon meeting this morning and processed some more of this.
Talked about how even if he does go a meeting today, I will have no way of knowing that he's telling the truth.
And if I quiz him or ask for proof, that is just being more codependent, so I am not even going to ask.
I don't care what he does. I can not control him, but I am making it clear that I will not live in that situation anymore.
After the meeting I saw he left a text that said he called the AA hotline and found a meeting in the city he is in and named one of the meetings. He said he was going to go. That he did not want to lose his wife.
I did not get excited and hopeful. I simply replied I love you.
He wrote back later Please don't give up on me.
I said I love you. I am not giving up on you. I'm taking care of myself and I hope he can see the difference.
This kinda feels like tough love, but man...
Right now I'm just so clear that continuing to live in this situation with an active addict would make me SO SICK. Just sicker and sicker. And I love myself too much to do that anymore.
Part of me in is outrage. Like HELL NO I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS ANYMORE!!
Another part is calmer and clear about it like it's just common sense. Get away from the biting dog unless the dog is being trained not to bite.
It has been a big day for me. We have still not talked on the phone and I don't intend to talk to him on the phone.
I know I get weaker when I am using my voice instead of text/writing, so I am doing what I feel safe with. Texting is working for me right now. and helping me keep my distance so I feel safe.
I am going to need to do a lot of turning things over to my Higher Power and really stay as grounded as I can in my Al Anon work.
I am not used to laying personal boundaries for myself at all. And telling someone what I will and won't accept.
But honestly right now I feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
If he gets into recovery, great, we will both be in our own recovery together. I know hsubands and wives who are doing this successfully and I am willing to go down that road together. My husband is sick. I am sick. If he wants to get well, I totally support that. I know that I want to get well and I'm going to work my program so I can feel better.
If he doesn't get into recovery, great. Then I will be clear he can go be an active addict somewhere else, but not in my space because I claim this area for me and my healthy life.
I don't feel excited or empowered right now after doing this -- but somewhere I feel stronger and more sure. And I feel safer because I am finally helping myself out of a scary and dangerous situation for my well-being.
I trust that my Higher Power is taking care of me. And my husband.
I do feel detached in a loving way right now -- he will do what he's going to do, but thank God that I spoke up for myself because if I didn't do it, no one was going to.
Thank you for the love and support you've given me here. I know I wouldn't have felt so courageous without the loving input from you that helped me look at myself more clearly to find my own truth.
It doesn't matter what direction my husband goes in.
I am going toward wellness and taking care of me and that is the main thing that matters.
One day at a time. Let go and Let God. xo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Thank you for reading and being supportive. (((hugs)))
Without my asking about it, my husband just texted me a picture of the AA meeting hall that he is going to right now.
He said: Just to prove that I'm here and sent the pic.
I wrote back I love you.
We'll see what happens.
I am feeling a sense of loving detachment.
It's calm, quiet, sturdy, and strong.
Something I haven't felt in a while. I like it.
Without my asking about it, my husband just texted me a picture of the AA meeting hall that he is going to right now.
He said: Just to prove that I'm here and sent the pic.
I wrote back I love you.
We'll see what happens.
I am feeling a sense of loving detachment.
It's calm, quiet, sturdy, and strong.
Something I haven't felt in a while. I like it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
I drove around for an hour in the snow tonight to go to another al anon meeting today...
Both of them that I tried to go to were cancelled because of the weather. Ha!
I got a good lesson in driving slowly and enjoying the fun of the snow and a lot of time to think about what a big day I had in terms of standing up for myself and getting grounded in what I need for myself.
My husband in the meantime, went to his meeting and texted me afterward saying:
"I just went to my first voluntary meeting and I feel better..."
(He'd gone years ago after getting a felony DUI as part of his sentence.)
Reading that almost made me cry. I have never heard my husband say that doing something made him feel better like that.
Then he said, "I'm staying for the next one that starts in 20 minutes."
And that the leader of the group was one of the cab drivers who's been taking him around town while he's there and he liked talking to him.
LOL
So he appears to be in his 2nd meeting of the night right now.
He is in God's hands and so am I.
xo
Both of them that I tried to go to were cancelled because of the weather. Ha!
I got a good lesson in driving slowly and enjoying the fun of the snow and a lot of time to think about what a big day I had in terms of standing up for myself and getting grounded in what I need for myself.
My husband in the meantime, went to his meeting and texted me afterward saying:
"I just went to my first voluntary meeting and I feel better..."
(He'd gone years ago after getting a felony DUI as part of his sentence.)
Reading that almost made me cry. I have never heard my husband say that doing something made him feel better like that.
Then he said, "I'm staying for the next one that starts in 20 minutes."
And that the leader of the group was one of the cab drivers who's been taking him around town while he's there and he liked talking to him.
LOL
So he appears to be in his 2nd meeting of the night right now.
He is in God's hands and so am I.
xo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
wow, what an aweesome post! it is so positive and inspiring to me. I would love to someday be in such a serene and peaceful place as you are. Not that it's easy for you... because I'm sure it has all been very diffucult! But the detatchment with love thing is so important. You are choosing to take care of yourself and that is great! Thank you for the inspirational post. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
You are one courageous woman. Thank you for sharing your story. It is amazing how so many people can relate to your situation...I can relate, that is for sure. You have inspired me to keep focused in my recovery as well. Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
You all are my new friends in Recovery and I am so grateful to be here amongst you!
Thank you for your encouragement -- it helps to reaffirm the strength I am feeling.
But also thank you for your willingness to be in recovery yourself! For seeking help online and making use of this forum either by reading quietly or reading and posting. This community of Family and Friends of Substance Abuse is amazing and SPECIAL.
We are all here to support and inspire each other -- and to the degree that we choose to show up for our own recovery...it's working!!
Thank you for being in my corner. Here's to reclaiming our incredible lives!
Thank you for your encouragement -- it helps to reaffirm the strength I am feeling.
But also thank you for your willingness to be in recovery yourself! For seeking help online and making use of this forum either by reading quietly or reading and posting. This community of Family and Friends of Substance Abuse is amazing and SPECIAL.
We are all here to support and inspire each other -- and to the degree that we choose to show up for our own recovery...it's working!!
Thank you for being in my corner. Here's to reclaiming our incredible lives!
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