Faithlove

Hi Everyone!

I'm back from my honeymoon!!!

It's great to see all the new people.....well, not great that their circumstances brought them here, but great that they can garner support from some of the wiser ones. It's so nice to come back and see all the familiar names. I am truly grateful to the members that keep coming back day after day just to help us find our way off of this crazy rollercoaster.

So, my and AH's honeymoon was really nice! Although I knew it wouldn't last, it was great to not have the constant tension and uneasiness. He was super sweet to me in the beginning and I had a wonderful birthday and Valentine's Day. We only had two arguments in all these weeks.

I refused to interrogate AH about where he was going or where he'd been. I refused to search his vehicle for drugs. I also refused to let his addiction interfere with my life. When he spent an entire day in bed becasue he was sick to his stomach, I refused to alarm his family and tell them what I really thought- that he was using and paying the consequences for it, which would in turn just start drama. I've also not been making him accountable for his own money; it's his money, he can spend it however he wants. (Secretly, I've felt a little guilty for giving him enough rope to hang himself.....but it's his rope to do what he wants. He could have done a zillion other things rather than hang himself.)

I've been searching out God more and have been pretty peacful. I've taken a break from everything else though. I haven't read about co-dependency or boundaries or gone to al-anon, etc. I just wanted to live a normal life for a little bit.

But, this morning, I was thrown back into reality. I found marijuana seeds and paraphenalia in his truck. I was not a happy girl at all! Especially since I had just driven that truck all day long yesterday without the slightest clue that he had drugs in it.

This is all so exhausting.

It. is. not. fair.

AnvilheadII

why did you marry him? knowing what you know? what did you expect would be different?????

Faithlove

I didn't just marry him! We've been married for years. I'm using the term honeymoon as a figure of speech. We weren't on a real honeymoon.

When we reconciled this last time, my co-worker asked me how many honeymoon phases I was going to put myself through.

blueholly

That's kinda what I was wondering.... Or did you mean like vacation and not a real honeymoon?

AnvilheadII

ok, but same thing....why the reunion? why do you keep choosing HIM over and over? knowing what you know? what did you expect to be different THIS TIME?

Faithlove

I don't know. It doesn't make logical sense. I just had hope that God would heal him and that we could live the life I had envisioned when we first got married. I do love him. He became addicted to oxy a little over a year after we got married. He's on methadone now and as much as I personally am against it, I wanted to give this treatment a chance. But, it's not working, or he's not trying hard enough, or else he wouldn't be smoking pot.

I just don't understand why he can't just stop. Other addicts recover and live sober lives. He won't even try. He goes to group meetings at the methadone clinic and he says that's enough. But, it's not.

LoveMeNow

Why should he stop, he has it all. Drugs, you, the kids, his home. (Speaking for my husband too)

Why would they stop or leave, when we have made it so comfortable for them. I never realized there was some kind of rush too just to be able to pull it all off and not get caught. Scoring it is all part off the rush too. Recovery can leave a void that needs to be filled as well from what I have learned.

Missed you, sorry you are back with disappointing news.

peanut44

I was on methadone for a few years and i too went to meetings there.

I actually thought i was clean by not taking pills and being at this clinic.

I couldn't see until a year or so after getting off of it, that i wasnt clean at all, i just had traded one drug for an even worse one.

Why he needs to take any drug besides methadone is beyond me. It's a really powerful, addictive narcotic.

And changes dramatically the way you think, behave and act.

He needs help and you should pick up with alanon and keep going with that.

Good luck!!

AnvilheadII

I just don't understand why he can't just stop.

probably because he doesn't wanna....or can't truly envision life without drugs. that's a scary thought for most addicts - to be without, forever. as LMN said, you keep giving him chance after chance, so he is insulated from the consequences...all he has to do is get all lovey dovey for a few weeks until you're off his back and distracted, then he gets to back to doing exactly what he wants.

you say you've been married for years. and that his addiction reared it's ugly head in the first year. and here you are all these YEARS of your life later and he's still........doing drugs. and you're still.......hoping he'll quit. or that the hand of God will come down and smote his addiction.

what's that saying about God helping the willing? or helping those who HELP THEMSELVES??

shinebright7

This is what I was afraid of. My husband and I were getting into a pattern of the binge and then make up lovey dovey thing until I'm off his back and then he would use again and then we'd have a blow up and then go back to making up and lovey dovey and then over and over.

Fortunately not yet for years since we just got married and I didn't really get it that he was an addict until two weeks ago...

But now that I know and see the trend starting and feel how AWFUL it has felt...I'm trying to stick a 2x4 in the spokes of the wheel so we do not keep barreling down that path at 100 miles an hour.

The cycle has to stop sometime - and it sure isnt' going to be with me having a mental breakdown because I keep letting my husband's addiction control my life.

supportforme

Hey Faith - I don't have much advice for you dear. All I can say is that I knew exactly what you were referring to with the honeymoon--been there myself. Just wanted to drop you a note to remind you that all you can do is work on you and your children. I started healing when I stopped asking why - and accepted the reality of my exAH's addiction. He is not doing well. That's his choice. I'm focusing on keeping myself healthy and sane so that I can be here for my boys. You'll find your answers -- One day at a time...It's not fair. There are times that I feel like I'm in the twilight zone-- but unfortunately, this is my reality and I had to accept it and begin to heal and work on what I can... ME!.. Hang in there....

dollydo

"I just had hope that God would heal him."

God gives him the boat and the oars, it is up to him to learn how to use the oars and row to the shore.

Faithlove

Sorry, I've only been able to "thank" everyone's replies. I've been super-busy with work and I'm getting ready to go out of town for work. Tomorrow I'm going to reply to everyone.
My AH is still out of my home. He loves me; I love him, but I'm not tolerating this. Yesterday the feelings of anxiety and depression came back and I felt physically ill all day. I'm not going back to living like that.
You all are life-savers!