My boyfriend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
My boyfriend
No.....I'm not cheating on my husband.
I was just sitting here thinking about the addicts who have been in my life and I remembered a boyfriend that "happened" between my divorce from my first (addict) husband and marriage to my current (non-addict) husband.
I dated a handsome guy. I really liked (loved) this guy. He was a high octane stockbroker. Good looking. Fun to be with. And he was a cocaine addict. We didn't live real close to each other so I didn't see him as often as I wanted to. But it was a serious relationship.....one that I hoped was moving towards a marriage proposal.
And then one day......out of the blue.....he called me. He told me that he had just gotten a DUI (his third in less than a year). And he said he couldn't see me anymore. Broke it off....just like that. Not a lot of explanation as to why......
I was heartbroken. I cried. I laid around and moped. I wondered what the real reason for breaking up with me was and felt I deserved more than that--an explanation that I could understand. I would have supported him through his troubles....really. But I didn't call him. I didn't whine and plead for him to come back to me. I let him go. It hurt for quite a while but I survived it with my dignity intact. (Thank God there wasn't email or texting back then!)
Actually what I did......was I dodged a bullet. Because a few months later, I met the wonderful, dear man I am married to now (and have been for 28 years). If I had stayed in that dead end relationship with the cocaine addicted stockbroker, I wouldn't have met one of the kindest, dearest men on this planet......
My point in sharing this story is that when those of us who have a lot of life experience share our stories......there is so much that we don't share. There is a lot of pain and suffering that we have survived. Love lost. Death of those very dear to us. Life threatening illnesses. Not to mention addiction of children.
We survive. We thrive. And we've learned how to regain our joy after these events. We understand the pain and suffering of the people on these boards because we have lived it....often times ten.....but we have the advantage of seeing how things can play out.
When something happens that seems like the end of the world.....sometimes.....it's just one of those strangely wrapped gifts.
gentle hugs
ke
I was just sitting here thinking about the addicts who have been in my life and I remembered a boyfriend that "happened" between my divorce from my first (addict) husband and marriage to my current (non-addict) husband.
I dated a handsome guy. I really liked (loved) this guy. He was a high octane stockbroker. Good looking. Fun to be with. And he was a cocaine addict. We didn't live real close to each other so I didn't see him as often as I wanted to. But it was a serious relationship.....one that I hoped was moving towards a marriage proposal.
And then one day......out of the blue.....he called me. He told me that he had just gotten a DUI (his third in less than a year). And he said he couldn't see me anymore. Broke it off....just like that. Not a lot of explanation as to why......
I was heartbroken. I cried. I laid around and moped. I wondered what the real reason for breaking up with me was and felt I deserved more than that--an explanation that I could understand. I would have supported him through his troubles....really. But I didn't call him. I didn't whine and plead for him to come back to me. I let him go. It hurt for quite a while but I survived it with my dignity intact. (Thank God there wasn't email or texting back then!)
Actually what I did......was I dodged a bullet. Because a few months later, I met the wonderful, dear man I am married to now (and have been for 28 years). If I had stayed in that dead end relationship with the cocaine addicted stockbroker, I wouldn't have met one of the kindest, dearest men on this planet......
My point in sharing this story is that when those of us who have a lot of life experience share our stories......there is so much that we don't share. There is a lot of pain and suffering that we have survived. Love lost. Death of those very dear to us. Life threatening illnesses. Not to mention addiction of children.
We survive. We thrive. And we've learned how to regain our joy after these events. We understand the pain and suffering of the people on these boards because we have lived it....often times ten.....but we have the advantage of seeing how things can play out.
When something happens that seems like the end of the world.....sometimes.....it's just one of those strangely wrapped gifts.
gentle hugs
ke
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Thank you KE oh so true!!!!
I don't share a lot of the individual 'experiences' I have had, but could definitely
write a book that just might become a 'best seller', lol
Just recently in 2010, I was brought up short, very short, after 10 months in a
relationship with, are you ready for this? My first love. He contacted me 43
years after we broke up, and we started a sort of 'long distance' relationship
with flying back and forth from Florida to here, and here to Florida, and to
Caymen, etc Did rack up a lot of 'Air Miles' and will be using them to help
with a 'trip' I am planning later this year (before they expire, lol) Anyway I
guess because of the long time, I did not really remember why we had broken
up, and had always thought it was our parents that did it (as both sets of
parents felt that the other person was not 'good enough' for their child), but
came to see the light that it was really alcoholism (his not mine at that time).
Oh he tried to hide how much he drank around me, but as the months went
on it became more and more apparent and I could no longer IGNORE the
elephant that was in the room. I will admit though I did relapse for 10 long
months in my codependence, not my own alcoholism, lol. However, all
my tools, were still in my toolbox and I did come to my senses, but as
I said it took me 10 months.
What I told him right before I got on the plane to fly home was this:
"I am sorry, but I cannot live with, nor be in communication with any
person that is in active addiction or early recovery."
He, of course, tried to blah blah blah, but to me by then it was just
quacking and I
boarded my plane feeling much lighter than I had felt in months.
And then went through the calls and the emails and more calls for months.
It slowly slowed down to once a month and by 2012 with one call in March
that I did not answer, has so far stopped. I can tell you that my 'denial' and
thus the stress of this relationship, made me very ill physically and in Jan.
of 2011 I ended up in the hospital, to be honest, very close to death, with
no potassium at all in my system, thus having had a Grand Mal Seizure and
hitting my head and causing a concussion. My daughter found me out cold
on the bathroom floor and could not arouse me. It was caused by dehydration
which was caused by a bad infection that I did not know I had.
Stress weakens our immune systems and one has any other health issues (in
my case diabetes) stress can really make an individual very sick.
So yes, when we share here, we are definitely sharing from our own personal
experiences. I do so because I believe I just might save one person just
one person from having to go through the hell I went through, and as a re-
minder to myself and others, that these 'tools' we learn, I/we MUST use every
day of my/our lives, in all of my/our affairs.
Thank you so much KE for starting this thread!!!!!
Love and hugs,
I don't share a lot of the individual 'experiences' I have had, but could definitely
write a book that just might become a 'best seller', lol
Just recently in 2010, I was brought up short, very short, after 10 months in a
relationship with, are you ready for this? My first love. He contacted me 43
years after we broke up, and we started a sort of 'long distance' relationship
with flying back and forth from Florida to here, and here to Florida, and to
Caymen, etc Did rack up a lot of 'Air Miles' and will be using them to help
with a 'trip' I am planning later this year (before they expire, lol) Anyway I
guess because of the long time, I did not really remember why we had broken
up, and had always thought it was our parents that did it (as both sets of
parents felt that the other person was not 'good enough' for their child), but
came to see the light that it was really alcoholism (his not mine at that time).
Oh he tried to hide how much he drank around me, but as the months went
on it became more and more apparent and I could no longer IGNORE the
elephant that was in the room. I will admit though I did relapse for 10 long
months in my codependence, not my own alcoholism, lol. However, all
my tools, were still in my toolbox and I did come to my senses, but as
I said it took me 10 months.
What I told him right before I got on the plane to fly home was this:
"I am sorry, but I cannot live with, nor be in communication with any
person that is in active addiction or early recovery."
He, of course, tried to blah blah blah, but to me by then it was just
quacking and I
boarded my plane feeling much lighter than I had felt in months.
And then went through the calls and the emails and more calls for months.
It slowly slowed down to once a month and by 2012 with one call in March
that I did not answer, has so far stopped. I can tell you that my 'denial' and
thus the stress of this relationship, made me very ill physically and in Jan.
of 2011 I ended up in the hospital, to be honest, very close to death, with
no potassium at all in my system, thus having had a Grand Mal Seizure and
hitting my head and causing a concussion. My daughter found me out cold
on the bathroom floor and could not arouse me. It was caused by dehydration
which was caused by a bad infection that I did not know I had.
Stress weakens our immune systems and one has any other health issues (in
my case diabetes) stress can really make an individual very sick.
So yes, when we share here, we are definitely sharing from our own personal
experiences. I do so because I believe I just might save one person just
one person from having to go through the hell I went through, and as a re-
minder to myself and others, that these 'tools' we learn, I/we MUST use every
day of my/our lives, in all of my/our affairs.
Thank you so much KE for starting this thread!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
well in whole this mess around me i totally forget how many amazing friends ive got around me. they helped me when i was down, when i had no place to live. few times i was even surprised when some people that i would never expect hold my hand!
I was left alone and depressed. my friends gave me room to stay, feeded me with amazing food, even try to take me out all the time so i wont just sit and cry, some of them tried to find me some better extra work or talk to me about ideas for life, other wanted me to move in with them and all of them are supporting me every single day making sure i am ok. thats what keeps me alive.
I was left alone and depressed. my friends gave me room to stay, feeded me with amazing food, even try to take me out all the time so i wont just sit and cry, some of them tried to find me some better extra work or talk to me about ideas for life, other wanted me to move in with them and all of them are supporting me every single day making sure i am ok. thats what keeps me alive.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
There's no "coasting the rest of the way" through life.
and could handle anything. Well I was wrong, after the 'pink cloud' of the
beginnings of the relationship wore off, I started see red flags that I admit I tried
to rationalize and justify in my own mind (denial, lol) but by the end of the 9th
month there was no denying what the hell was going on ONE MORE TIME,
sheesh and that the only I could change was me. I moved my return home flight
up a week from October 12th to October 5th and I was OUT OF THERE FOREVER.
What I really had a time figuring out, was that I had no desire or urge or
craving to drink again, even though he drank everyday, so I had a false confidence
that 'nothing was wrong' that I was ok. But slowly and sneakily those 'red flags'
started to appear.
I still kick myself for what happened and how long it took, and yes I am more
vigilant today about any 'toxic folks' I know. I redo my Steps every 5 years so at
30 years sober in 2011 I again did my steps including a 4th and 5th and that was
quite an 'eye opener'. Then I decided even it was only 27years in Alanon to again
do the 12 Steps for my 'codie side' and boy oh boy was that an EYE OPENER.
I have that once again I am more 'open' to learning by reading the threads than I
had been and I mentally 'judge' much less now, since I was able to look within and
see where I still need work. I had to remind myself that recovery from addiction or
from being codependent:
IS NOT A GOAL BUT AN ONGOING JOURNEY!!
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. So why do I sometimes act as if I am (at
least in my mind it seems like I have)? I know it is:
PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION.
But I can forget that. So the 'Progress not Perfection' Is on a post it note on my
bathroom mirror as a gentle reminder to myself.
I have to 'be good' to me because no one else will always be. This too is an
'inside job' but it is very definitely doable.
Love you guys and gals.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
They say (whoever that proverbial "they" is) that "A smart man learns from his own mistakes....a wise man learns from the mistakes of others."
Good gravy.......I sure made a lot of my own mistakes (sometimes more than once or twice). I'm hopeful that I'm past just being "smart" and am mature (cough cough) enough to learn from the mistakes of others. lol
I have to remember those historical stories (or hysterical--depending on your perspective lol) in my life so that I can understand those young women who are convinced that the addict in their lives (bf) is THE one for them. I was there once too....thinking that his addiction wasn't THAT bad (eeeek minimizing three DUI's in a year!) or that I could love him enough for "us" to be ok.
We all walk our own paths....we all share our journey, experience, strength and hope....and we all learn our lessons. I always hope that others will be wiser than I was.
gentle hugs
ke
Good gravy.......I sure made a lot of my own mistakes (sometimes more than once or twice). I'm hopeful that I'm past just being "smart" and am mature (cough cough) enough to learn from the mistakes of others. lol
I have to remember those historical stories (or hysterical--depending on your perspective lol) in my life so that I can understand those young women who are convinced that the addict in their lives (bf) is THE one for them. I was there once too....thinking that his addiction wasn't THAT bad (eeeek minimizing three DUI's in a year!) or that I could love him enough for "us" to be ok.
We all walk our own paths....we all share our journey, experience, strength and hope....and we all learn our lessons. I always hope that others will be wiser than I was.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
PART TWO of that story......
A few years later.....I ran into a mutual friend of mine and the addicted stockbroker. He asked why we broke up.....I told him "I don't know....he broke it off with me...I was head of heels in love with him....or at least thought I was."
Lo and behold.....three days later.....I get a phone call.....yup you guessed it. From the addicted stockbroker. He asked how I was. I told him I was happily married with two children. I knew he was married with more kids than he had when we were dating. What does he do? He asks if I'd like to meet with him somewhere so we can "talk". What the heck.....I'd just finished telling him that I was happily married.....and he sounded like he wanted to pick up where we left off. I ended the conversation and was relieved that I had let go of that relationship......and had no desire to pick it up again.
The moral of this story is......they come back.....
gentle hugs
ke
A few years later.....I ran into a mutual friend of mine and the addicted stockbroker. He asked why we broke up.....I told him "I don't know....he broke it off with me...I was head of heels in love with him....or at least thought I was."
Lo and behold.....three days later.....I get a phone call.....yup you guessed it. From the addicted stockbroker. He asked how I was. I told him I was happily married with two children. I knew he was married with more kids than he had when we were dating. What does he do? He asks if I'd like to meet with him somewhere so we can "talk". What the heck.....I'd just finished telling him that I was happily married.....and he sounded like he wanted to pick up where we left off. I ended the conversation and was relieved that I had let go of that relationship......and had no desire to pick it up again.
The moral of this story is......they come back.....
gentle hugs
ke
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
The moral of this story is......they come back.....
of 2010, I was in terrible PAIN. Even called my old Alanon sponsor in California
I was that desperate. And yes, she did talk me through it and got me writing
and back to more meetings, lol
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
I have to remember those historical stories (or hysterical--depending on your perspective lol) in my life so that I can understand those young women who are convinced that the addict in their lives (bf) is THE one for them. I was there once too....thinking that his addiction wasn't THAT bad (eeeek minimizing three DUI's in a year!) or that I could love him enough for "us" to be ok.
We all walk our own paths....we all share our journey, experience, strength and hope....and we all learn our lessons. I always hope that others will be wiser than I was.
We all walk our own paths....we all share our journey, experience, strength and hope....and we all learn our lessons. I always hope that others will be wiser than I was.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
KE, your story really hit home with me. My situation has a lot of similarities to yours - in love with this guy who I thought was 'the one,' hoped we were progressing towards something permanent and then out of the blue, last Friday he breaks it off with me, telling me he's started seeing someone (my month didn't start off with a bang, but more of a sucker punch to the gut). And I also have not responded to his text, even though I want to know why and who and how. What is the point of putting myself through all of that? Would knowing the answers make the outcome any different or better? No. And same as you, I don't want to risk further rejection or humiliation, so I let it go.
But your inspirational story has given me such hope. When you said you dodged a bullet and then found the most wonderful man a few months later - I am praying to someday have a similar outcome. I know I can't see it yet, but I am hopeful that in the not-too-distant future, I will also realize that this time of pain and heartache was also a strangely-wrapped gift.
Thank you for sharing.
But your inspirational story has given me such hope. When you said you dodged a bullet and then found the most wonderful man a few months later - I am praying to someday have a similar outcome. I know I can't see it yet, but I am hopeful that in the not-too-distant future, I will also realize that this time of pain and heartache was also a strangely-wrapped gift.
Thank you for sharing.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What a wonderful thread, thanks Kindeyes.
Life has taught me that often the most painful experiences in life are strangely wrapped gifts that bring us some insight or learning that we would never have found otherwise.
We hurt, we heal, we grow and life gets better every day. That's just how life works.
Hugs
Life has taught me that often the most painful experiences in life are strangely wrapped gifts that bring us some insight or learning that we would never have found otherwise.
We hurt, we heal, we grow and life gets better every day. That's just how life works.
Hugs
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