needtohelpher

Hi, this is my first post so pardon me if it sounds silly or very selfish but I do not know what to do. My sister is 28 years old and is an alcoholic. I'm 18 years old from India about to take my board examinations. My sisters alcoholism started after my fathers death in 2003 who incidentally also died because of cirrhosis. This continued and very recently I lost my mother too. I live alone with my sister and I don't know how to help her, she gets drunk every night religiously and cries or vomits or passes out, after which I clean her and feed her and make her sleep. I've tried everything and by that I mean everything. Love, care, violence, force nothing seems to affect her.... She has lost six jobs in a span of two years and has had three career shifts in the same. She has no friends, no boyfriend no life whatsoever and doesn't do anything. I cook clean and take care of the house. She spends all our money on alcohol. Although now she has stopped, earlier she used to resort to some serious physical abuse towards me. Having said that she is a good person and I know It.

During the day time she is a gem of a human being but at night she is horrendous. I can't study in peace eat in peace or even sleep in peace. Just a couple of nights ago she went out of the house at four in the morning and then some good neighbour of mine got her home. This is very embarrassing. I really care about her but she is retarding my growth. I need help I need a solution. How can I just sit here and see her destroy herself?
I haven't slept well in two years now....
And I don't have friends because I noticed that my sister drinks more in self pity when she realizes that even I am moving on. She says very hurtful things like I am just a liability to her and its because of me she is the way she is and so on... And then apologises in the morning. I'm exhausted now but I don't think I have it in me to just leave her or ignore her.
Please, please help me. I have so much more to say but not enough energy to type.

LexieCat

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It is very hard to watch a loved one destroying herself with alcohol.

As you have seen, there is nothing anyone can do to MAKE an alcoholic stop drinking. Do you live with your mother, or are the two of you on your own?

As a beginning, I suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting. It will help you to feel less responsible for what your sister does. Beyond that, you deserve to be able to live your life and study in peace. You may have to try to figure out a way to live separately from your sister for that to happen.

But one thing at a time. Try to find a meeting. You will be warmly welcomed by many others who understand just what you are dealing with.

needtohelpher

Hi Lexie, thanks a lot for your response. Makes me feel like I'm not alone. Unfortunately my mother passed away three years ago too, it made my sisters alcoholism worse. I tried to find some help group etc here in Delhi but alcoholism is still a very taboo topic here.... There isn't anyone one can speak to here. It's pretty sad. Yes it's just the two of us.
I have thought of living away from her but I end up feeling so selfish and I cannot help but constantly worry about her. She has no one else around but me.

LexieCat

There are a bunch of Al-Anon meetings in Delhi. Here is a link--if you click the "meetings" link, you will download a spreadsheet--there is a whole page for Delhi. Al-Anon India. There is also a phone number for information.

Please call and go to some meetings. You deserve peace in your life. And there is nothing selfish about seeking it.

Hanna

Hi there and welcome to Sober Recovery.
So glad you found us but terribly sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your sister.

You will get lots of great advice here, like the advice of LexieCat above, so please stick around and continue to read and post. You are not alone. The advice in the sticky posts at the top of the forum is very helpful, too.

I think immediately you need to assess your living situation and find a way to make whatever changes necessary to ensure your safety along with making sure your basic needs are being met. That means physical safety, food and shelter along with uninterupted sleep. It seems like she is making some of these things very difficult and putting you both at risk by spending your funds.

Is your sister currently working? How do the two of you manage your finances? Are you living together in a home that belongs to you jointly?

Have you ever spoken to her about her problems during the day when she is not yet drunk?

- Hanna

DreamsofSerenity

You poor thing! I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost a man I loved to alcoholism and a sister to mental illness, so I kind of understand a blended version of what you are experiencing.

I think a first step for you would be to educate yourself thoroughly about alcoholism. There are so many suggestions on here of books, and/or films. Reading everyone's posts has also been so helpful to me. You will learn on here that alcoholics commonly blame the significant people in their lives for their drinking. So please let go immediately of believing you are the cause of her drinking in any way.

Do you have any family or friends you could stay with to get a break from the craziness?

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Here is a link to some steps that helped me with my loved one's alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Recovering2

Find one of those AlAnon meetings in your area and start attending. It will be a first great step to clearing your head and taking the right steps. Alcoholism is a contagious disease, in that those of us who live with an A become just as ill as they are. We get physical symptoms like headaches, trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, stress, upset stomach, etc etc. The first thing I learned in AlAnon is the 3 C's. We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There is nothing you can do for your sister, it is her choice to not seek help, But you don't have to get pulled into the chaos with her. You can learn to detach from her behaviors and find peace for yourself. Best to you.

Hanna

Just want you to know I'm thinking about you right now.

FeelingGreat

Hi, you have had a rough time over the last few years haven't you? It's hard enough losing a mother at a young age, but then having to care for your sister as well; no wonder you are at the end of your rope.
You've come to the right place here as there are lots of people who know what you are going through. Even if alcoholism is taboo in India I bet most of your neighbours and relatives know what's going on. Can you form yourself a support network so you don't feel so alone in coping with your sister? All the best.

needtohelpher

Hi to all, I'm really sorry for such a late reply, internet had been down since a while. Your responses are overwhelming and so encouraging. Yesterday I gave my sister a piece of my mind and let her know what I feel about this situation. I have told her that I want nothing to do with her personal problems and that I need to focus on myself. I've also decided to stay in the hostel when I go to college. I feel so liberated yet so guilty. But I really owe this thanks to you all...
I feel like I'm at home here where there are many more like me to understand where I come from. I'm about to get done with my examinations and will go and stay with a friend for a week to take a break from all of this. I really want to thank you ALL
However, I'm still in the process of dealing with feeling very selfish for my actions, but I suppose its a part and parcel right?
I hope to keep in touch. Much love to all...
and so I begin my journey towards healing

SparkleKitty

It is definitely normal to experience those guilt and selfishness feelings -- when we are so accustomed to doing things a certain way (even if that way is not healthy for us) we experience changes with guilt. They are just feelings; not facts. Just because you feel guilty or selfish does not mean you have done anything wrong or are actually being selfish.

What you are doing is allowing your sister the dignity of taking care of herself and experience the consequences of her own choices and behavior, like every other adult person on the planet gets to do. It does not mean that you don't love her or don't support her. It just means you are not going to allow your love and support of her override your own healthy well-being and adulthood. You are not going to be an adult FOR her. And good for you.

I wish you the best and hope you stick around.

Hanna

I am so glad you are making these decisions.

When you feel guilty, ask yourself this: what good would it do for both of you to be suffering?

You did not cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

So the option is for her alcohol addiction to make you crazy as well. That is not helpful to her or to you.

It's against logic because usually when someone is sick they will benefit from our presence and need our care. Addictions do not work that way.

You can be loving and supportive while protecting yourself. Your loving sister, when able to think with her right mind, would not want you to suffer alongside her for no cause.

Peace and so glad you are here!

Hanna

PS: I have a special fondness for India though I have never visited. I made dear friends there through work about 10 years ago.

LexieCat

I think the hostel is a great idea. Sparkle is right--your sister needs a chance to grow up. And you need a chance to become the best YOU you can possibly be.

Hugs, and hope you will come back and check in with us. (Oh, and I hope you will give those Al-Anon meetings a try, too--they will help a lot with the "feeling guilty" stuff.)

needtohelpher

Hi again. You all must think im very rude, I'm really sorry for not replying sooner. I had my central secondary board examinations going on. So i literally was putting in all nighters and stuff to get good grades. It's crazy here, even with a 95% you get in no reputed college. Haha
An update:
My sister got really drunk couple of weeks back so much so that again some random person for her back home. I didnt really help her, I let her lay in her state on the staircase where she woke up the next morning. And I'm assuming she felt shame because it seems so as she hasnt been drinking since the past five days. Yet, I feel like its one of those phases again afterewhich she falls back into it.
But yes, the moment my last exam gets over I will go for an alanon meeting

llastchance8

Hello, needtohelpher , We really feel your pain. Please consider all other SR friends' advice here.. I am an alcoholic and I may not be really help you the way other friends , who understand Al Noun concepts. Please attend al Noun meetings.

From you last post, it seems that your sis did not drink for last 5 days. There is a shame or slight feeling of rock bottom . This can be a solid foundation for her to start a new life but it is not that easy. We as alcoholics , have been through this.

On a final thought, you sister had to go through truama of loosing dad and mom at very young age. Her emotional wounds have gone deeper with guilt, shame and phyisical abuse she did to you. Please consider, getting her some counselling .In New Delhi, there might be some counsellors who are good at helping young people who lost their parents , at early age.. Wishing you all the best.

needtohelpher

Hi llastchance8 I have tried to grt her in touch with a couple of counselors but she refuses to go and get help. for some reason she feels like its silly to get help and that she doesn't need any. So I've kind of given up now...
What i don't understand is that why is she an A. I went through all of what she did too, in fact at a younger age. Then how is it that I'm able to exist without any addiction issues. This may have sounded a little mean but its always been a question.

llastchance8

You are absolutely right. You have done whatever possible . If she does not want to be helped, no one can help her.

You have a very valid question on why she turned out to be A and not you.. You have really done great and there is no point in wasting your life for someone who does not want to be helped. Please move on and staying in a hostel may be a good idea. Please focus on getting good education for yourselves.

On a final note, during an in-flight emegency , adult is advised to first get oxygen for themselves and then attend to the kids. Your sister is a kid at this stage. You need to get good life for yourselves first and worry about her later. Please do not waste your life .

needtohelpher

Thanks a lot. It's only because of all this encouragement from you all that I'm on the path of my own recovery and moving on. I suppose this is how it happens, each day at a time

Seren

Hello needtohelpher!

I do hope your exams are going well. I have several friends from India who are fellow graduates students here in the U.S. They have talked to me in the past about how stressful those exams can be!!!

I understand the guilt you feel about not picking your sister up, cleaning her up, helping her....but I have learned that leaving an alcoholic to fully experience the consequences of their actions can be (no guarantee) the motivation they finally need to seek help.

Please know that you are not being selfish by taking care of yourself. Good luck with your remaining exams! (IIT in the future perhaps?)