Still looking for answers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Still looking for answers
So, I haven't posted in awhile. Everytime I start to, I realize I am in panic/frantic mode and I calm myself down and try to think about the situation rationally. It's working ok. My situation is the same, but my thinking is not. However, I'm leaning toward frantic these last few days. You can read my old threads for the whole story. When my husband decided to get sober he went to 3 days of rehab and then (at the suggestion of his (enabling) parents) decided to get an apartment "for a little while" so he could "focus on his recovery" or at least that is how he explained it to the kids and I. Since moving out, he has become increasingly critical of everything I do (more so than when he was drinking) and has told me that he doesn't think he loves me anymore and doesn't think he wants to work on our relationship. Even though im assuming he has learned in AA that i did not "cause" him to be an alcoholic, he still blames me for "ruining his life" whatever that means. Yes, I know I can't control him and he can do whatever he wants, but it seems crazy to make such a rash decision and possibly end a 16 year marriage that includes 2 kids. He is about 70 days sober and attending meetings every day. He is living in a great apartment with little responsibility (no kids, dog, chores, daily life, stress of paying bills, etc). I guess my question is this...do I "fight" for our marriage? Do I just say "whatever" and give up? I feel like I'm doing "my" part: attending Al-Anon meetings, reading everything I can on alcoholism and codependency, taking care of the kids, dog, house, bills as best I can. I've walked on eggshells for the past 5 years as his alcoholism progressed that now I feel like I'm always doin something wrong, even if its just expressing my opinion. I want to believe that in the whole scheme of things, life will work out as it is supposed to, I just need to trust God. Looking back, I know I should have left or asked him to leave many times over the years, but I didn't, because I thought I could fix him. It's just so frustrating that now he is sober he won't give our "family" a chance. If the choice was living with him as an active alcoholic or not living with him, of course I would say not living with him. But that is no longer a concern (yes, I know he could relapse). Anyhow, not sure what I'm looking for you guys to say to me. I read here on SR everyday and read hopeful stories and terrible stories and I know I have no control. I just feel like I'm not doing everything I should be. It goes without saying that I love him. There have been sober periods over the years where he is the best dad and husband ever. I know he is not the exact same person he was and never will be, but I am just not understanding it all. Yeah, I know the whole...if you love something set it free, but why put the kids (and me) through all that if its not necessary? Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now. I don't know. Thoughts?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What, exactly, would one do to "fight for" one's marriage? If he doesn't want to be married I don't see that there is anything to be done in terms of "fighting".
I understand your hurt, but there is nothing you can do to make someone stay with you. Nothing ethical or right, anyway.
Your recovery (Al-Anon, etc.) is for YOUR well-being, not to fix a marriage. My suggestion is that you keep working at your recovery, which, if you approach it as a way to help you rather than a way to hold onto him, will benefit you greatly whether your marriage survives or not.
I understand your hurt, but there is nothing you can do to make someone stay with you. Nothing ethical or right, anyway.
Your recovery (Al-Anon, etc.) is for YOUR well-being, not to fix a marriage. My suggestion is that you keep working at your recovery, which, if you approach it as a way to help you rather than a way to hold onto him, will benefit you greatly whether your marriage survives or not.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I agree with Lexiecat.
Focus on yourself.
There is too much emphasis on him & too many what ifs.
You are doing great by educating yourself & attending meetings.
You are doing no wrong at all, your doing a good job of working your recovery, keep at it & it will get easier.
Hugs to you.
Focus on yourself.
There is too much emphasis on him & too many what ifs.
You are doing great by educating yourself & attending meetings.
You are doing no wrong at all, your doing a good job of working your recovery, keep at it & it will get easier.
Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
I guess I didn't word it right. Throughout our marriage when I would give him a hard time about drinking or I would roll my eyes and "give up" rather than argue with a drunk, he would look sad and ask me "why won't you fight for your marriage" or when I would complain he would say "why can't you just love me for who I am and fight to save your marriage". I don't mean "fight" exactly, I guess I mean, what should I be doing because I still love him? Should I start treating him the way he is treating me (as if everything he does is wrong?) Should I make things easy for him? Not argue, be agreeable? I only know a couple of people that have divorced and they all speak badly of their ex. I know my husband has the disease of alcoholism and is mad at the world right now. I know he couldn't control his drinking all of those years and he said and did thing that he didn't mean to. I will never forget the hell my life has been for the last 4-5 years, but I know I could forgive him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He was using those words to manipulate you. Think about how ridiculous they are: "why can't you love me for who I am and fight to save your marriage." IOW, "Why can't you leave me alone with my drinking that makes me happy?"
Now you are asking how you can manipulate HIM. You are asking how to treat him so he won't divorce you.
My suggestion is that you treat him as you would like to be treated if you had decided to leave. You wouldn't expect him to roll over and give you everything you jointly owned out of some sense of guilt, but by the same token you would hope that he would be fair and reasonable. Now, whether he WOULD be is beside the point. You would like to be treated decently and with respect.
So my suggestion is that you do that--treat him decently and with respect. You don't have to dance to his tune. If he is unfair or unreasonable you can stand your ground with dignity but you do not have to stoop to his level or, conversely, to be a doormat.
Keep going to Al-Anon. Become your own person so you don't have to react to someone else's moods and whims.
Now you are asking how you can manipulate HIM. You are asking how to treat him so he won't divorce you.
My suggestion is that you treat him as you would like to be treated if you had decided to leave. You wouldn't expect him to roll over and give you everything you jointly owned out of some sense of guilt, but by the same token you would hope that he would be fair and reasonable. Now, whether he WOULD be is beside the point. You would like to be treated decently and with respect.
So my suggestion is that you do that--treat him decently and with respect. You don't have to dance to his tune. If he is unfair or unreasonable you can stand your ground with dignity but you do not have to stoop to his level or, conversely, to be a doormat.
Keep going to Al-Anon. Become your own person so you don't have to react to someone else's moods and whims.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Justshy, I am so sorry that this difficult situation continues for you, and I can hear and empathize with the emotional pain it is causing you.
It occurs to me that if you look at two things you posted, you may be able to tease out a different meaning that is more helpful to you in deciding what you want to do now.
... drunk, he would look sad and ask me "why won't you fight for your marriage" or when I would complain he would say "why can't you just love me for who I am and fight to save your marriage".
Think about who is supposed to be responsible for "saving your marriage". This statement says that he is drunk, and he is not intending to do anything himself to "fight for HIS marriage". It appears that to him, you own the whole marriage. He just does what he does, and you have the responsibility for incorporating whatever he does in a marriage (YOUR marriage). And if you don't, YOU are responsible for the marriage failing.
"Why can't you just love me for who I am" is a different question than "why can't you make YOUR marriage work?". He ties the two together, as if the only proof that you love him is that you do miraculous things to make the marriage work. That's not the way it works. So many of us here on SR have come to the realization that yes, we love our husband or partner, we love them dearly and immensely, despite their alcoholism. But...
That does not equate to our sentencing ourselves to live with them. That's where marriage being a partnership comes into play. He's a one-man-band, plays only for himself, only what he wants to hear, only when he feels like it. And determined to stay just that. You can love him and still choose to not submerge yourself in a life that revolves around reacting to his unreasonable selfish demands.
Love is a feeling, not a life choice.
What Alanon - and more broadly, recovery from co-dependence - is all about is finding out what our own path is. To be whole and healthy, we must sort out who we are, what we believe in, what we have to do to live the fullest life we can. And then, knowing more and more about that each day, we can return to look our partners and our marriages/relationships.
It is okay to determine what you need, to look solely from your own perspective at your own life. Your AH has framed this question for you as "Why are you failing to do what I want you to which will fix your marriage?"
This is alcoholic talking, quacking. It takes two to tango, and he's out there solo. I'd say take the time to re-define what the real question is. One of the hardest things for me in the past 8 months since I left my abusive alcoholic husband, has been to understand that my default way of looking at just about everything was through his eyes, not mine.
That, to me, is what recovery is about: letting everyone else's perspective belong to them, and searching deeper and deeper for who I am and what I want my life to mean.
You've said I will never forget the hell my life has been for the last 4-5 years, but I know I could forgive him. Forgiving is one thing. Living with a man who has, so far, no intention of stopping making your life hell, is another thing.
You don't have to live in hell even if you love him and forgive him.
He needs to step up to the plate and be a real partner, or not. You have the right to say, nope, this isn't how I want to live my life. What are you willing to do to make this work for me? And, so far, the painful and unwelcome answer, is "nothing".
That was the most terrible blow for me - that my AH didn't, wouldn't, couldn't love me enough to choose me. And I almost lost my soul after 20 years. Wish I had know years before. My choice, a very destructive choice for me, almost lost myself.
Some partners respond when their other half takes action on their own behalf, and want again to be in the relationship. Some don't. Work your own recovery, let him be, and as so many people here have told me, more will be revealed.
Keep posting, this was written with empathy, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
It occurs to me that if you look at two things you posted, you may be able to tease out a different meaning that is more helpful to you in deciding what you want to do now.
... drunk, he would look sad and ask me "why won't you fight for your marriage" or when I would complain he would say "why can't you just love me for who I am and fight to save your marriage".
Think about who is supposed to be responsible for "saving your marriage". This statement says that he is drunk, and he is not intending to do anything himself to "fight for HIS marriage". It appears that to him, you own the whole marriage. He just does what he does, and you have the responsibility for incorporating whatever he does in a marriage (YOUR marriage). And if you don't, YOU are responsible for the marriage failing.
"Why can't you just love me for who I am" is a different question than "why can't you make YOUR marriage work?". He ties the two together, as if the only proof that you love him is that you do miraculous things to make the marriage work. That's not the way it works. So many of us here on SR have come to the realization that yes, we love our husband or partner, we love them dearly and immensely, despite their alcoholism. But...
That does not equate to our sentencing ourselves to live with them. That's where marriage being a partnership comes into play. He's a one-man-band, plays only for himself, only what he wants to hear, only when he feels like it. And determined to stay just that. You can love him and still choose to not submerge yourself in a life that revolves around reacting to his unreasonable selfish demands.
Love is a feeling, not a life choice.
What Alanon - and more broadly, recovery from co-dependence - is all about is finding out what our own path is. To be whole and healthy, we must sort out who we are, what we believe in, what we have to do to live the fullest life we can. And then, knowing more and more about that each day, we can return to look our partners and our marriages/relationships.
It is okay to determine what you need, to look solely from your own perspective at your own life. Your AH has framed this question for you as "Why are you failing to do what I want you to which will fix your marriage?"
This is alcoholic talking, quacking. It takes two to tango, and he's out there solo. I'd say take the time to re-define what the real question is. One of the hardest things for me in the past 8 months since I left my abusive alcoholic husband, has been to understand that my default way of looking at just about everything was through his eyes, not mine.
That, to me, is what recovery is about: letting everyone else's perspective belong to them, and searching deeper and deeper for who I am and what I want my life to mean.
You've said I will never forget the hell my life has been for the last 4-5 years, but I know I could forgive him. Forgiving is one thing. Living with a man who has, so far, no intention of stopping making your life hell, is another thing.
You don't have to live in hell even if you love him and forgive him.
He needs to step up to the plate and be a real partner, or not. You have the right to say, nope, this isn't how I want to live my life. What are you willing to do to make this work for me? And, so far, the painful and unwelcome answer, is "nothing".
That was the most terrible blow for me - that my AH didn't, wouldn't, couldn't love me enough to choose me. And I almost lost my soul after 20 years. Wish I had know years before. My choice, a very destructive choice for me, almost lost myself.
Some partners respond when their other half takes action on their own behalf, and want again to be in the relationship. Some don't. Work your own recovery, let him be, and as so many people here have told me, more will be revealed.
Keep posting, this was written with empathy, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey Justshy, good to hear from you again. I was just thinking of you.
My mother was the first A in my life. I grew up being yelled at, ignored, told to go away, and subsequently feeling like I was the worst the person in the world.
So I set about trying to do, say and be all the right things. If I figured it out, I was sure she would stop. Stop yelling, stop lashing out, stop being so freaking miserable all the time. And when I failed at it, as was inevitable, I became convinced I was not good enough. For her, for my dad, for my siblings, for anyone. For me.
It was systematic. She didn't do that to me on purpose. She was just reacting to her own unhappiness. I guess what I am trying to say is that you will never figure out some magic behavior or thing to say or way to be that will make him be different than exactly what he is. You don't have that power.
That doesn't mean that you don't have *any* power, though. You have the power to take care of yourself. You have the power to forgive yourself for whatever imaginary sins he has accused you of and you have internalized so deeply. You have the power to respect, nurture and love yourself in a way that he has not shown himself to be capable of. These things don't happen overnight, but they happen. You just have to decide that you are worthy of respect, nurturing, and love, and that path will open up for you.
Sorry if this is getting sappy. I spent most of my life searching for someone to love me in the way that I felt I needed so desperately to be loved. In the end, the only person who could do that was me. My life is completely different than I thought it would be, and it is completely wonderful. Instead of waking up everyday and worrying about what would happen, I can't wait to see what is next. I hope the same for you.
My mother was the first A in my life. I grew up being yelled at, ignored, told to go away, and subsequently feeling like I was the worst the person in the world.
So I set about trying to do, say and be all the right things. If I figured it out, I was sure she would stop. Stop yelling, stop lashing out, stop being so freaking miserable all the time. And when I failed at it, as was inevitable, I became convinced I was not good enough. For her, for my dad, for my siblings, for anyone. For me.
It was systematic. She didn't do that to me on purpose. She was just reacting to her own unhappiness. I guess what I am trying to say is that you will never figure out some magic behavior or thing to say or way to be that will make him be different than exactly what he is. You don't have that power.
That doesn't mean that you don't have *any* power, though. You have the power to take care of yourself. You have the power to forgive yourself for whatever imaginary sins he has accused you of and you have internalized so deeply. You have the power to respect, nurture and love yourself in a way that he has not shown himself to be capable of. These things don't happen overnight, but they happen. You just have to decide that you are worthy of respect, nurturing, and love, and that path will open up for you.
Sorry if this is getting sappy. I spent most of my life searching for someone to love me in the way that I felt I needed so desperately to be loved. In the end, the only person who could do that was me. My life is completely different than I thought it would be, and it is completely wonderful. Instead of waking up everyday and worrying about what would happen, I can't wait to see what is next. I hope the same for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
Why is it that for the most part, Im only reading stories of As getting sober and then turning into complete jerks and blaming the spouse for everything from their drinking to every thing that they have managed to screw up in the what ever amount of years they drank and ignored everything around them??
This seems to be the way it goes...I haven't heard any stories of As getting sober and working the program and actually being accountable for their part of the mess that was created.
Im sorry justshy..Im just so sick of hearing about these selfish idiots blaming us (the spouses) for THEIR drinking problem...even after going to AA meetings and being told they need to take responsibility. I don't get it...its selfish, and cruel..and there is no excuse for that. We have been threw enough and then to have them turn on us ...it just makes me sick.
In one of my Alanon meetings a new comer sat and listened to all the stories and then said "surely if you could just bring the alcoholic to one of these meetings and they heard all the stories of the pain they are causing the people who obviously love them, they would stop"...it made me just laugh and laugh....
This seems to be the way it goes...I haven't heard any stories of As getting sober and working the program and actually being accountable for their part of the mess that was created.
Im sorry justshy..Im just so sick of hearing about these selfish idiots blaming us (the spouses) for THEIR drinking problem...even after going to AA meetings and being told they need to take responsibility. I don't get it...its selfish, and cruel..and there is no excuse for that. We have been threw enough and then to have them turn on us ...it just makes me sick.
In one of my Alanon meetings a new comer sat and listened to all the stories and then said "surely if you could just bring the alcoholic to one of these meetings and they heard all the stories of the pain they are causing the people who obviously love them, they would stop"...it made me just laugh and laugh....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, my first husband was/is a model of recovery. He owned every single thing he ever did while he was drinking, and was a great dad and the best husband he could be (I didn't want to stay married, but that was MY issue, and it wasn't about anything he did).
I know plenty of other people whose partners have done the same.
Moreover, a lot of the "jerks" are people who never seriously worked a program of recovery--they are dry, but haven't changed who they are.
Just giving another perspective....
I know plenty of other people whose partners have done the same.
Moreover, a lot of the "jerks" are people who never seriously worked a program of recovery--they are dry, but haven't changed who they are.
Just giving another perspective....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Hmmm, interesting. I assumed that since he is attending meetings almost every single day, is not drinking, and has a sponsor and is working the steps...he is sober. I thought "dry" was when they weren't drinking but that was it. I am a very logical/rational person (oh my....if you only knew how many emails, texts, and conversations I had with my husband over the past 5 years that began..."well, if you look at this logically or from a rational viewpoint" never realizing that as an active alcoholic, he did not really have the ability to be rational/logical). Anyhow, I have read Alcoholics Anonymous and other books on alcoholism as well as many Al-Anon books and codependency books. It was easy for me to see myself on those pages and to "accept" (?) responsibility for many issues in our marriage. I easily saw that alcohol (and my husband) was not the only thing at fault. I guess I just assumed (when will I learn not to assume?) that because he is doing all the right "stuff", then he would come to the same rational/logical conclusions that I have and work to fix his part? Something new for me to think about. I guess, in a way, I figured that since he was doing everything "right" then any thoughts or actions on his part would be "right" and therefore I must be doing something "wrong".
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
One thing I have found with EXRAG is that the blame game and responsibility shifting was always present. Whether in recovery or not. It just shifts its appearance in recovery. And for me, there has always been an incorrect perception of the "degree" of both of our character defects which contributed to our relationship issues. "She has so many resentments towards me, and is working hard to get over them," was something I heard often while in recovery. She still brings up things like "you wouldn't let the kids eat peas with a spoon, you made them use a fork.... (I was trying to teach table manners, although I can be a d*ck about my delivery, which I was). I sometimes feel in her mind the severity of this act is viewed to be the same as the act of her driving drunk, lying, and cheating on me.
Not that stacking and comparing resentments is healthy, but from what I have seen, the alcoholic will always tend to inflate your character flaws, while simultaneously minimizing theirs. ... At least in my case. Perhaps this is because my EXRAG has not yet found true recovery.
Not that stacking and comparing resentments is healthy, but from what I have seen, the alcoholic will always tend to inflate your character flaws, while simultaneously minimizing theirs. ... At least in my case. Perhaps this is because my EXRAG has not yet found true recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hey Justshy nice to see you again.
Reading your post made me think that you are stuck in "Why do bad things happen to good people" mode. You stayed with him, miserable, but you stayed and simply wished for sobriety and now that he is - he has chosen not to be with you. It doesn't seem fair or right.
No one on here can give an accurate diagnosis of the dynamics of your marriage or what your RAH felt or thought during the marriage - from an outsiders point of view it 'looks" like there were a lot of problems aside from the alcoholism. The actions of your RAH to me seem to be of a guilty person - sometimes that comes out as criticism and unkind treatment when deep down they feel like a total **** for what they have done.
Perhaps your "reward" for staying in this very dysfunctional marriage for so long is that your HP is clearing the path for you to have a better life - one that doesn't involve this man. Our gifts in life don't always come in the packages we want and sometimes its hard to see them for what they are.
As for him having no responsibility I believe we have touched on this issue before - GIVE him some responsibility. Let him have the kids a night or two a week or on weekends. Arrange for him to help with their needs like taking and picking up at school etc. Let the dog go and stay as well and why are you stressing about paying bills? Did you ever speak with him about money and him writing you a check monthly for your needs?
I would really try and stop engaging with him on any level other than surface issues involving the children. You aren't communicating in any kind of positive manner and you continue to be beat down or feel that way and enough is enough. If you want to start feeling better stop putting yourself in a position to feel bad - even before you say anything you ALREADy know what the response is going to be.
Take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly! Take control of your life don't let the ex A treatment of you beat you down anymore.
Reading your post made me think that you are stuck in "Why do bad things happen to good people" mode. You stayed with him, miserable, but you stayed and simply wished for sobriety and now that he is - he has chosen not to be with you. It doesn't seem fair or right.
No one on here can give an accurate diagnosis of the dynamics of your marriage or what your RAH felt or thought during the marriage - from an outsiders point of view it 'looks" like there were a lot of problems aside from the alcoholism. The actions of your RAH to me seem to be of a guilty person - sometimes that comes out as criticism and unkind treatment when deep down they feel like a total **** for what they have done.
Perhaps your "reward" for staying in this very dysfunctional marriage for so long is that your HP is clearing the path for you to have a better life - one that doesn't involve this man. Our gifts in life don't always come in the packages we want and sometimes its hard to see them for what they are.
As for him having no responsibility I believe we have touched on this issue before - GIVE him some responsibility. Let him have the kids a night or two a week or on weekends. Arrange for him to help with their needs like taking and picking up at school etc. Let the dog go and stay as well and why are you stressing about paying bills? Did you ever speak with him about money and him writing you a check monthly for your needs?
I would really try and stop engaging with him on any level other than surface issues involving the children. You aren't communicating in any kind of positive manner and you continue to be beat down or feel that way and enough is enough. If you want to start feeling better stop putting yourself in a position to feel bad - even before you say anything you ALREADy know what the response is going to be.
Take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly! Take control of your life don't let the ex A treatment of you beat you down anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Crazed, funny you should bring up "resentments", he has been using that word a lot lately saying he is very resentful toward me and is not sure how to work through it or if he wants to.
Yes, I know I need to NOT engage with him as it only makes me sad. But then I worry that if I DON'T call or DON'T ask questions or don't seem to "care", then he will think that I don't care or don't love him. In fact, for the past few months (maybe 2 months before he went to rehab), when I would say "I love you" he would say "no you don't". Since rehab, if I say it, he says "please don't say that, it makes me uncomfortable" or if I try to hug him, he stiffens up and says I'm making him uncomfortable (so I haven't done either of those things in about 2 months...which makes me sad).
I guess I feel like I can see the big picture (that we could work things out because we are both aware of/admit our issues) and I don't think he is willing to look at it. It seems like divorce would be the easy way out because nothing would have to be worked on. I never ever ever in a million years ever thought I would be in a situation where divorce was a possibility. Most people don't even know he has moved out, just a few friends...and I told them what he told me...that he was "moving out for a few months to focus on his sobriety". They were all very supportive and it made me sad that I had hidden this giant secret (his alcoholism) for so long. One or 2 had suspicions, but for the most part thought we were blissfully happy. Now I have to figure out how to tell people that actually...he hates me, may not be moving back, and I don't even know the actual reason. "Because I hate you and you have ruined my life" is the only answer I have received so far. We have 2 wonderful kids, a dog, a house, a minivan, he has a great job, I was a SAHM for 8 years and now work part time with the kids school schedule so no daycare/babysitter needed. Yes we had our problems too and we never dealt with any of them because I blamed everything on his drinking...and he blamed everything on me complaining about his drinking. It was a vicious circle, and now that the drinking is out of the picture, the other problems seem so easy to solve, but now there is no opportunity. I don't know, some days I am worried about silly things like...now we will never go as a family to Disney world or what will we do about birthday parties. Other days I just miss him so much and I think past all of the bad times and think of the good (not drinking) times. I wish I could hate him. It would make things easier. Or I wish he could tell me why he "hates" me so much. I agree, he probably feels guilty and it is easier to blame me. I was finally at a place where I was settling into a routine and was willing to let him have time to work on himself, but now he has started being so hateful.
Thanks for listening.
Yes, I know I need to NOT engage with him as it only makes me sad. But then I worry that if I DON'T call or DON'T ask questions or don't seem to "care", then he will think that I don't care or don't love him. In fact, for the past few months (maybe 2 months before he went to rehab), when I would say "I love you" he would say "no you don't". Since rehab, if I say it, he says "please don't say that, it makes me uncomfortable" or if I try to hug him, he stiffens up and says I'm making him uncomfortable (so I haven't done either of those things in about 2 months...which makes me sad).
I guess I feel like I can see the big picture (that we could work things out because we are both aware of/admit our issues) and I don't think he is willing to look at it. It seems like divorce would be the easy way out because nothing would have to be worked on. I never ever ever in a million years ever thought I would be in a situation where divorce was a possibility. Most people don't even know he has moved out, just a few friends...and I told them what he told me...that he was "moving out for a few months to focus on his sobriety". They were all very supportive and it made me sad that I had hidden this giant secret (his alcoholism) for so long. One or 2 had suspicions, but for the most part thought we were blissfully happy. Now I have to figure out how to tell people that actually...he hates me, may not be moving back, and I don't even know the actual reason. "Because I hate you and you have ruined my life" is the only answer I have received so far. We have 2 wonderful kids, a dog, a house, a minivan, he has a great job, I was a SAHM for 8 years and now work part time with the kids school schedule so no daycare/babysitter needed. Yes we had our problems too and we never dealt with any of them because I blamed everything on his drinking...and he blamed everything on me complaining about his drinking. It was a vicious circle, and now that the drinking is out of the picture, the other problems seem so easy to solve, but now there is no opportunity. I don't know, some days I am worried about silly things like...now we will never go as a family to Disney world or what will we do about birthday parties. Other days I just miss him so much and I think past all of the bad times and think of the good (not drinking) times. I wish I could hate him. It would make things easier. Or I wish he could tell me why he "hates" me so much. I agree, he probably feels guilty and it is easier to blame me. I was finally at a place where I was settling into a routine and was willing to let him have time to work on himself, but now he has started being so hateful.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Since moving out, he has become increasingly critical of everything I do (more so than when he was drinking) and has told me that he doesn't think he loves me anymore and doesn't think he wants to work on our relationship.
is there a reason why you are ignoring this part?
"Because I hate you and you have ruined my life" is the only answer I have received so far.
that seems pretty CLEAR to me. that's a line in the sand. not a lot of wiggle room.
sadly, it is what it is. somebody that does not want to be an active person involved in your life. can't force him to do what he does not want to do. never could.
is there a reason why you are ignoring this part?
"Because I hate you and you have ruined my life" is the only answer I have received so far.
that seems pretty CLEAR to me. that's a line in the sand. not a lot of wiggle room.
sadly, it is what it is. somebody that does not want to be an active person involved in your life. can't force him to do what he does not want to do. never could.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
So sorry justshy for your pain and sadness.
The others have provided so many good suggestions.
I do hope you focus on you. When my AH was not participating in our marriage, I prepared as if we were going to get a divorce, even though that is not what I wanted. I visited a lawyer, put money aside, worked on my recovery.
You want to be the best you can be no matter which direction your life heads.
I was always a believer of working on a marriage and have come to be able to put better boundaries in place so that I am not just working on a marriage by myself.
"Fighting for a marriage" does not make sense to me.
I found greater peace when I stopped working on our marriage during my RAH's early recovery and focused on myself and what I needed in my life, regardless of the state of my marriage. With kids and dealing with an active A for a lot of years, there were a lot of improvements I made for myself and am still making.
Now that my RAH has some recovery we can decide if we want to share the responsibility of having a better marriage. He may decide he doesn't want to take that responsibility and this time around I am in a better place to accept whichever way it goes.
This time around I am making dreams for myself and if my RAH is there to share them with me that's good, if not, that's good too.
PS Don't let your AH's attitude toward you and alcoholism rob you of the joy you can be experiencing with your children on your own, today married, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year, married or not.
The others have provided so many good suggestions.
I do hope you focus on you. When my AH was not participating in our marriage, I prepared as if we were going to get a divorce, even though that is not what I wanted. I visited a lawyer, put money aside, worked on my recovery.
You want to be the best you can be no matter which direction your life heads.
I was always a believer of working on a marriage and have come to be able to put better boundaries in place so that I am not just working on a marriage by myself.
"Fighting for a marriage" does not make sense to me.
I found greater peace when I stopped working on our marriage during my RAH's early recovery and focused on myself and what I needed in my life, regardless of the state of my marriage. With kids and dealing with an active A for a lot of years, there were a lot of improvements I made for myself and am still making.
Now that my RAH has some recovery we can decide if we want to share the responsibility of having a better marriage. He may decide he doesn't want to take that responsibility and this time around I am in a better place to accept whichever way it goes.
This time around I am making dreams for myself and if my RAH is there to share them with me that's good, if not, that's good too.
PS Don't let your AH's attitude toward you and alcoholism rob you of the joy you can be experiencing with your children on your own, today married, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year, married or not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Do you want to be married to someone that doesn't think they love you? That's the bottom line. If you can answer that, then your path and how to move forward will become clear.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this, it is NOT fair! BUT there might be an end in sight, and one that turns out to be better than you could have ever imagined.
I hope you find some peace in it all. xoxo
I'm so sorry you are going through all this, it is NOT fair! BUT there might be an end in sight, and one that turns out to be better than you could have ever imagined.
I hope you find some peace in it all. xoxo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 1
Justshy. I am experiencing a very similar situation with my RAW. She had a dt event in the middle of oct and by early nov she was in treatment centre. At the end of November she phoned to tell me she wants a divorce. I am a mess but going to meetings etc. She returned home dec 17 and was moved out on jan 18. I am home with 3 older kids. I work full time. It has been very rough for me because I love her and want to work on the marriage when we are both ready. That will not be for some time. I want you know I feel exactly as you do. She blames me and has said in the past that I have ruined her life and she does not love me. I will post the whole story later. Just letting you know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Justshy 
Crazed, funny you should bring up "resentments", he has been using that word a lot lately saying he is very resentful toward me and is not sure how to work through it or if he wants to.
Attending meetings is just the fellowship. Authentic recovery is digging deep into yourself and not looking at life through the selfish, crazy mirror of addictive thinking through the steps with a sponsor that knows the real deal. It doesn't sound like he is anywhere close to that and may never be... there are a lot of people white knuckling sobriety and harboring a lot resentments hanging around the rooms of AA.
Sometimes you wring the alcohol out of the asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat.
Or... maybe ... he will move from hanging around the rooms of AA into a deeper, more authentic, reflective and less selfish recovery effort where he deals with his "resentments" in a more constructive manner. Maybe he will go to counseling or grow up and tell mommy and daddy he is going to work for a living instead of sponging off of them for his comfy life he is now living.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch and real life you should take a real deep breath and connect with yourself... you don't need a husband or man to complete you or make you happy! As kids fairy tales and Disney stories were great but when we grow up we learn quickly that it isn't all lollipops and roses out here and many of us do not end up with Prince Charming!
Set some boundaries and plan for doors A, B, C... don't engage and trust your HP. Keep finding YOU... that has always been in the backseat! Get up there and drive girl... drive to Disney World asap and send him a postcard with you smiling!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sometimes a marriage is just over, addiction or no addiction. His drinking was a just a symptom of a deeper rooted issue. Possibly, he has been unhappy for years, and was drinking to relieve his emotional upset about wanting to end the marriage. I do not know, however, he is following the pattern of someone who wants out, yet wants to let you down slowly. If I were a betting woman, I would say that he either has had or has someone else
in the wings, to me, it all fits together.
The key is for you to restart your life, accept that he is not coming back and as Hope said, jump behind the wheel of that car, put it in drive and move forward in a new direction.
I am sorry that you are not able to let go, unfortunately, the only person you are hurting is you, he could care less, keep those meetings up and reread any books you may have on codependency.
in the wings, to me, it all fits together.
The key is for you to restart your life, accept that he is not coming back and as Hope said, jump behind the wheel of that car, put it in drive and move forward in a new direction.
I am sorry that you are not able to let go, unfortunately, the only person you are hurting is you, he could care less, keep those meetings up and reread any books you may have on codependency.
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