joyjoyXcore

Hi everyone! So since my fiancé has been out of rehab, he's doing amazing and goes to at least one meeting a day and has a whole new network of people who he spends a lot of time with. Mind you I'm working full time and tryin to pay all of the bills as he is kind of unemployable at the moment. But he is looking for a few side jobs to bring in a few dollars when he can. The real big issue is that we're having so many issues within our relationship because I myself have become severely codependent. And I know it used to be this way and when he went to rehab and I couldn't be codependent. I felt like I wasn't. And for the Orts two weeks after he came home I was doing awesome with it... But now I'm right back to it, and in both of our opinions it's much worse. so what I'm asking all of you is other than meetings (tried it and I'm sorry but it's not comfortable for me) what is there that I can do? I've thought about getting a part time job so I am busy for the most part and I don't rely on him spending time with me, but at the same time that will take the only two hours I get to spend with him away, considering his meetings are usually late at night and then his network usually hangs out or goes out until 12am ish. So I'm at a stand still. :/ any advice?...

fluffyflea

Do you know why you aren,t comfortable at meetings?

SparkleKitty

Ditto Earthworm: Can you go into a little more depth about what made you uncomfortable at meetings?

joyjoyXcore

In my area, there aren't as many meetings as there are in other areas and even the beginners meetings are all older women and I am the complete opposite. I'm a 21 year old, and everytime I've gone to a meeting wether it be al anon or nar anon it's always the same, nobody under the age of 45 and from what I've heard at the meetings hasn't been anything helpful or useful. I have an open mind and I loved going to the regular AA meeting in early sobriety with my finace sometimes. But I just don't like al anon. And there is only one codependency meeting near me and I'm at work while that is in session.

honeypig

joyjoy, I am new here too and don't have any help to offer, but back when I was about your age (I'm 52 now), I was involved w/an alcoholic and went to a handful of Al-Anon meetings. Like you, I was turned off by the fact that everyone there was so much older, married, had kids, and seemed to be only focused on how to keep their marriages together. They were very nice and welcoming people, but their outlook and goals were not necessarily the same as mine. I sort of know where you're coming from.

I hope someone wiser than I can offer you some help here.

fluffyflea

They may be older but it,s all the same issues.

dancingnow

I am confused what does this actually mean. It sounds to me like a blame game leading up to a relapse.

JMO

If you are working full time, you must not have a lot of time to take care of your self, finding time to relax, fix your meals, shop for clothes, go out with friends. If you were to focus on yourself and make specific plans to spend some time with your fiance doing things you both enjoy and then leave him to his AA meetings and focus on himself you might find some space to recover.

In reality, people in a relationship do spend some quality time together. In a relationship with an A or RA that may not always be the case.

Also IMO you are better off reaching out to others in Alanon or codependency meetings instead of sharing opinions with your newly recovered fiance about your codependency issues and whether or not they are a problem.

Your close to my daughter's age and I wouldn't want her to be going through this experience your describing with the thoughts you are having.

From what I read on other's posts and from my experiences with my RAH, rehab doesn't mean all issues are resolved for the A and the partner takes the blame for being too codependent.

Take care of yourself.

joyjoyXcore

I've always been codependant. My age isn't the issue. I usually don't tell anyone my age for the sole fact that I get judged for my decision to keep my relationship through all the rough times. I do have a lot of time to myself. Which is my worst enemy. When I'm to myself I thin into things too much. And I know for a fact that he isn't using anything as an excuse for a relapse. I'm sorry to sound so sure of myself but he spends all of his time with his sponsor and his network from meetings. And I've met these people. And he gets tested at least twice a week. It's not an issue of relapse. This is my issue that I'm reaching out for advice. I'm sorry that I am young and I'm not comfortable at the alanon meetings with the people who have been well past my point and have already discussed this point in recovery and are more so working on stabilizing the relationship with their recovering addict or alcoholic. I am looking for more so advice on compromising and helping myself through the first six months or more of recovery.

Crazed

I went to my first Alanon meeting *i think* about 10 years ago. My perception was the same- a bunch of old ladies complaining about their alcoholic husbands. I was nothing like them. I was not married to the alcoholic I was dating, I was young and successful, and could kick her to the curb whenever I decided to. I did not have to attend Alanon, because I did not need to "learn how to deal with it."......

Fast forward 10 years- and my life hadn't changed. I was still dating the same alcoholic and still living in chaos. So I went to my second Alanon meeting- about 4 months ago. I have since been going to 2 or 3 meetings per week, sometimes the only male present. We are all VERY different people, but have one thing in common- we all understand and can relate to the chaos of the disease. The meetings have been helping me stay grounded, especially with my codependency and desire to control.

Kind of off topic, but here comes my codependent thought.... AA meetings late at night, and hanging out until midnight? The latest meetings in the city I live in are 8:15 pm...

joyjoyXcore

I understand that you all think its crazy. The actual meeting is only until about 9 sometimes 9:30. After that his network of people go out to a diner or sometimes they go to a bowling alley, especially during celebration week. It's not like he's lying. I've been invited but I choose to let him be with his network an keep things seperate for now. Again I'm sorry but this isn't an issue of me not trusting him. This is about me and my codependency issues.

Crazed

Sorry.. Didn't mean to rub the wrong way or imply distrust. Just sharing my experiences with EXRAG and meeting schedules where I live. It is great that he has a strong network that he can hang with.

Regarding codependency- I wish I knew how to make it all go away
I have been just trying to live one day at a time, and try not to obsess about her, her recovery, and her past actions. I say the serenity prayer often, as it does sum it all up.

joyjoyXcore

Thank you and I'm sorry if I came off snotty. I'm just so tired of everyone judging me because I am young and the also the timing thing. It's not every night but a lot of times they all go out and talk and he goes to his sponsors house to do step work until late. It's not an excuse of any type. I can see the work that they do. I see him changing into the new him and it's wonderful. I just wish I could change myself for the better also but with working full time and trying to keep the bills up and food on the table it's not as easy as I wish it was. I do a lot of reading everyday and it helps. My fiancée and I had a discussion today, we are working on a set schedule so I can work on my own issues and we'll have a better idea of when we will have 'our' time and when he will be out with his network and when I'll have my time to relax and work on myself. Thank you for your input!

reddog

I think you need to realize that recovery is a life long process. There is no time table here, and from what I am reading you like your role as a codependent. You pay the bills work full time your tired of everyone judging you etc etc... Your life revolves around his recovery. Taking care of yourself today should be your # 1 priority now because tomorrow may never come. The 2 of you are working on a schedule so you can work on your issues? Relationships are a give and take and it sounds like you are being put on the back burner. Take the time now to take care of yourself.

oneday66

i get where u r coming from...
as someone suggested.. what are u doing for you?
when my husband 1st got into recovery.. i went to a yoga or spinning class every day..it really helped as for that 60 to 90 minutes i didn't really think about him (i started looking and feeling better too)
i also thought about a 2nd job.. but was already tierd of working 40+ hours and my second job of taling care of an addict in recovery...

my husband relapsed and is in round 2 of recovery.. this time doing it without me.. hes doing it with help from other addicts (AA + himself). we have coffee once a week but thats it... his recovery is much better because Im not involved in it (he cant blame me etc). much better this way

Crazed

I will second a few of these thoughts- take care of yourself. I have gotten myself back into the gym for the last four months. I am back to where I weighed 10 years ago, and am feeling really good about physical appearance again. I will also say that for me, both the active alcoholic, and the recovering alcoholic, left me very lonely. While drinking, there was the loneliness brought about by distrust. While in recovery, there was just no time forever "me" or "us." It was all about her AA, her sponsor, her job and her kids. While I understood the necessity of these priorities, it left me lonely and unsatisfied. I see it now more that we are apart.

I hope you are able to achieve some sort of balance with your relationship. It sounds like he is doing great with his recovery. But at some point I hope he begins to contribute to the relationship and his responsibilities (bills, making time for you, etc), so you don't have to handle the full load.

joyjoyXcore

Thank you, but in my defense the working full time and paying the bills is NOT a part of being codependent.... He just got out of rehab like a month ago... What was I supposed to do? Just stop paying everything? No I have to be responsible for the bills as they are also in my name. And about everyone judging me it's not really a big deal but when I do tell people my he I do get a different vibe from everyone. It's just normal to treat a 21 year old differently than you would someone who is say 41... And I understand that I'm on the back burner... I have to be. Otherwise he wouldn't be doing so well in his recovery. I'm not saying it's easy, but we are making a schedule so we can work around his meetings and his time with his network and sponsor. (The priority right now) and then there's me. I'm not bent over that. I fully understand that. And in my down time after work and activities I do things for myself. Things I enjoy. But it doesn't stop me from trying to help where I'm not supposed to be trying to help is what I'm getting at. But I don't expect you all to understand where I'm coming from. Just thought I would post on here and see if anyone was in a similar situation.

LexieCat

What about private therapy? Do you have insurance that might help, or maybe an Employee Assistance plan? Or some mental health clinics have a sliding scale.

It seems like you would be much happier if you could learn to let go a bit. You may have to be on HIS "back burner" for a while, but you shouldn't be on your own back burner.