Sometimes i think i"m crazy!!
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Sometimes i think i"m crazy!!
Sometimes I think I'm the crazy one!! I didn't really realize how messed up our life was till I visited my "sister" and watched her family. That use to be me. Family night dinner, weekend bbq's with friends that have kids. ect..
It has been like a slow death. You don't even realize how out of control things get! When I look back it has been over a year since we had "normal" friends over. Something that we did at least 1 or 2 times a week.
So as crazy as my life has been, when we go out of town and he does his disappearing act. Like going to the bathroom for lengthy amounts of times 15x's a day and the kids and I wait in the car, my daughters asking where in the world daddy is? It makes me crazy. Then we go to a family event and I know things are out of control (hence the bathroom trips, ect..) But, then he tells me how much he loves me... and he is so glad we went. I haven't heard that in a while. I start to think... maybe it's me. Maybe i'm blowing this out of proportion. How can I leave this man that I love so much. Just when I catch a glimpse of what he use to be. I start over in my mind.... THEN ITS BACK TO REALITY MONDAY MORNING. When he ran off to work last night at 10pm after we get home and, he doesn't come home...
It makes me mentally crazy! I'm exhausted mentally. And, he doesn't understand why I wont come to his business and help him. I'ts not like I don't have a full time job and taking care of the kids all by myself. Everything is my fault. (so he says) And he doesn't understand what it is like to do all this by myself. He acts like I am the crazy one cuz i tell him things are out of control.
I don't know what im asking for. I just need to vent. And i guess validate my feelings...
It has been like a slow death. You don't even realize how out of control things get! When I look back it has been over a year since we had "normal" friends over. Something that we did at least 1 or 2 times a week.
So as crazy as my life has been, when we go out of town and he does his disappearing act. Like going to the bathroom for lengthy amounts of times 15x's a day and the kids and I wait in the car, my daughters asking where in the world daddy is? It makes me crazy. Then we go to a family event and I know things are out of control (hence the bathroom trips, ect..) But, then he tells me how much he loves me... and he is so glad we went. I haven't heard that in a while. I start to think... maybe it's me. Maybe i'm blowing this out of proportion. How can I leave this man that I love so much. Just when I catch a glimpse of what he use to be. I start over in my mind.... THEN ITS BACK TO REALITY MONDAY MORNING. When he ran off to work last night at 10pm after we get home and, he doesn't come home...
It makes me mentally crazy! I'm exhausted mentally. And, he doesn't understand why I wont come to his business and help him. I'ts not like I don't have a full time job and taking care of the kids all by myself. Everything is my fault. (so he says) And he doesn't understand what it is like to do all this by myself. He acts like I am the crazy one cuz i tell him things are out of control.
I don't know what im asking for. I just need to vent. And i guess validate my feelings...
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Dragging my heals
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
How can I leave this man that I love so much.
because you and your children deserve FAR better than he can give you.
because you and your children deserve FAR better than he can give you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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it probably won't...in fact in all likelihood it will get far worse than you can imagine. meth does that. i believe you said you once found a meth pipe IN the kitchen cabinet. he's using IN the home, or was, with children present. NO child should be around an active addict EVER - NO child should be subjected to the raving lunacy of a meth head.
you say right now he has his own business. that won't last. nor will your finances. possessions. he will get more and more agitated and violent. he will get more and more unpredictable. he will lash at you, at the kids at anything that gets in between him and the dope. just how it is.
do not sit around waiting, hoping, he'll just snap out of it. he won't. he's using full time. meth is one of the most powerful all consuming drugs there is. God himself and a SWAT team don't stand a chance. not only will his addiction progress, but it will do so at an ever increasing rate. i imagine you have no idea of where he goes on his runs, what creepy vile places he goes, what disgusting horrid things happen there. i pray that you if you have engaged in sexual activities with him you're using protection. he's a walking hazmat unit.
here's a list of some of the chemicals often used in making meth:
Ingredients of Crystal Meth
Ever wonder why so many people find crystal meth so addictive? After reading about the list of ingredients used to make meth, you may find the phenomenon even more puzzling:
Sodium hydroxide - aka, Lye
Classified as a corrosive, sodium hydroxide is one of the main chemicals in drain cleaner and is also used in aluminum etching and to create biodiesel. It’s also used by ranchers, serial killers, and city workers who must dispose of road kill to dissolve dead bodies. Carcasses are placed in a sealed chamber with sodium hydroxide and water, turning the body into a coffee-like liquid.
Anhydrous Ammonia
This substance, used in chemical fertilizer and as a commercial refrigerant, has extremely destructive effects on humans. Breathing the vapor can cause severe irritation and permanent damage to the lungs, throat, and eyes.
Because Anhydrous (meaning “without water”) Ammonia seeks out water and causes severe burns, any body part that comes into contact with it should be flushed with water for at least 15 minutes to remove the ammonia from the skin. One man even had his buttocks eaten away by improperly handling this stuff.
Iodine
Iodine is a natural element and helpful to the body in small amounts. But taken in large amounts, iodine can becomes toxic.
Extremely high does of iodine can limit the function of the thyroid. It takes roughly 4 bottles of iodine tincture to produce 2-3 grams of meth.
Matches - Red Phosphorus
By combining red phosphorus and iodine, you can easily create the highly controlled substance Hydriotic Acid which is an essential ingredient in making meth. Creating 2-3 grams of meth requires about 4 big boxes of matches. Here’s a better use of match sticks.
Ephedrine
The use of ephedrine in making methamphetamines is the main reason why many sinus medications like Sudafed, with active ingredient of ephedrine, are under lock and key at grocery stores and pharmacies now.
Ephedrine causes the brain to release dopamine, a chemical naturally produced by the body that evokes feelings of elation on the same level as sex, food, and other rewards necessary for species survival.
Ephedrine’s effect of releasing dopamine is thought to be the reason why people become so addicted to meth. The problem is that by artificially creating dopamine chemically, meth users eventually lose the ability to feel happiness at all.
Ether
Once called “sweet vitriol” because of its hypnotic effect, this highly flammable substance is used as an anesthetic agent - especially in third world countries where more expensive anesthesia is not available. While inhaling the compound, patients could undergo complete surgical procedures while otherwise awake without feeling pain or concern.
Drano
The product label warning says it all:
DANGER: MAY BURN EYES AND SKIN ON CONTACT. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. Avoid contact with body and clothing. TOXIC GAS MAY FORM IF MIXED WITH OTHER CHEMICALS. If gases are released, leave immediately and ventilate area. FIRST AID: Give Immediately: EYES AND SKIN: Flush with water for 20 minutes. Remove affected clothing. IF SWALLOWED: Rinse mouth and drink a glass of water or milk. Do not induce vomiting. THEN SEEK MEDICAL AID.
Brake Fluid
When working with brake fluid, be careful not to spill it on your car as it will eat away the paint and chrome. You’ve also got to be careful using brake fluid around other household chemicals because its high concentration of polyethylene glycol can cause it to ignite in a violent fireball. But meth users don’t mind putting it into their body for the tradeoff of a high.
Lighter Fluid - Butane
Starting to see why meth labs blow up so frequently? This highly flammable liquefied gas is used in the cooking process. When inhaled directly, butane can cause drowsiness, narcosis, asphyxia; cardiac arrhythmia and frostbite, which can result in instant death from Asphyxiation, Acute toxicity and ventricular fibrillation. When it’s ingested, lighter fluid causes gastrointestinal problems, lethargy, diarrhea, and in high enough doses, death.
Hydrochloric acid
This highly corrosive liquid is used to remove rust and iron-oxide from steel, leather processing, household cleaning and to produce organic compounds such as PVC pipe and polyurethane. It also makes up the majority of the gastric acid in human digestive fluid. In high concentrations, hydrochloric acid will literally eat away human flesh.
you say right now he has his own business. that won't last. nor will your finances. possessions. he will get more and more agitated and violent. he will get more and more unpredictable. he will lash at you, at the kids at anything that gets in between him and the dope. just how it is.
do not sit around waiting, hoping, he'll just snap out of it. he won't. he's using full time. meth is one of the most powerful all consuming drugs there is. God himself and a SWAT team don't stand a chance. not only will his addiction progress, but it will do so at an ever increasing rate. i imagine you have no idea of where he goes on his runs, what creepy vile places he goes, what disgusting horrid things happen there. i pray that you if you have engaged in sexual activities with him you're using protection. he's a walking hazmat unit.
here's a list of some of the chemicals often used in making meth:
Ingredients of Crystal Meth
Ever wonder why so many people find crystal meth so addictive? After reading about the list of ingredients used to make meth, you may find the phenomenon even more puzzling:
Sodium hydroxide - aka, Lye
Classified as a corrosive, sodium hydroxide is one of the main chemicals in drain cleaner and is also used in aluminum etching and to create biodiesel. It’s also used by ranchers, serial killers, and city workers who must dispose of road kill to dissolve dead bodies. Carcasses are placed in a sealed chamber with sodium hydroxide and water, turning the body into a coffee-like liquid.
Anhydrous Ammonia
This substance, used in chemical fertilizer and as a commercial refrigerant, has extremely destructive effects on humans. Breathing the vapor can cause severe irritation and permanent damage to the lungs, throat, and eyes.
Because Anhydrous (meaning “without water”) Ammonia seeks out water and causes severe burns, any body part that comes into contact with it should be flushed with water for at least 15 minutes to remove the ammonia from the skin. One man even had his buttocks eaten away by improperly handling this stuff.
Iodine
Iodine is a natural element and helpful to the body in small amounts. But taken in large amounts, iodine can becomes toxic.
Extremely high does of iodine can limit the function of the thyroid. It takes roughly 4 bottles of iodine tincture to produce 2-3 grams of meth.
Matches - Red Phosphorus
By combining red phosphorus and iodine, you can easily create the highly controlled substance Hydriotic Acid which is an essential ingredient in making meth. Creating 2-3 grams of meth requires about 4 big boxes of matches. Here’s a better use of match sticks.
Ephedrine
The use of ephedrine in making methamphetamines is the main reason why many sinus medications like Sudafed, with active ingredient of ephedrine, are under lock and key at grocery stores and pharmacies now.
Ephedrine causes the brain to release dopamine, a chemical naturally produced by the body that evokes feelings of elation on the same level as sex, food, and other rewards necessary for species survival.
Ephedrine’s effect of releasing dopamine is thought to be the reason why people become so addicted to meth. The problem is that by artificially creating dopamine chemically, meth users eventually lose the ability to feel happiness at all.
Ether
Once called “sweet vitriol” because of its hypnotic effect, this highly flammable substance is used as an anesthetic agent - especially in third world countries where more expensive anesthesia is not available. While inhaling the compound, patients could undergo complete surgical procedures while otherwise awake without feeling pain or concern.
Drano
The product label warning says it all:
DANGER: MAY BURN EYES AND SKIN ON CONTACT. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. Avoid contact with body and clothing. TOXIC GAS MAY FORM IF MIXED WITH OTHER CHEMICALS. If gases are released, leave immediately and ventilate area. FIRST AID: Give Immediately: EYES AND SKIN: Flush with water for 20 minutes. Remove affected clothing. IF SWALLOWED: Rinse mouth and drink a glass of water or milk. Do not induce vomiting. THEN SEEK MEDICAL AID.
Brake Fluid
When working with brake fluid, be careful not to spill it on your car as it will eat away the paint and chrome. You’ve also got to be careful using brake fluid around other household chemicals because its high concentration of polyethylene glycol can cause it to ignite in a violent fireball. But meth users don’t mind putting it into their body for the tradeoff of a high.
Lighter Fluid - Butane
Starting to see why meth labs blow up so frequently? This highly flammable liquefied gas is used in the cooking process. When inhaled directly, butane can cause drowsiness, narcosis, asphyxia; cardiac arrhythmia and frostbite, which can result in instant death from Asphyxiation, Acute toxicity and ventricular fibrillation. When it’s ingested, lighter fluid causes gastrointestinal problems, lethargy, diarrhea, and in high enough doses, death.
Hydrochloric acid
This highly corrosive liquid is used to remove rust and iron-oxide from steel, leather processing, household cleaning and to produce organic compounds such as PVC pipe and polyurethane. It also makes up the majority of the gastric acid in human digestive fluid. In high concentrations, hydrochloric acid will literally eat away human flesh.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Dealing with addict does make us sick and crazy. That's why we're encouraged to go into our own recovery - whatever path that might take. Personally, I ran straight for Al Anon because I was freaking out and desperate last month when I realized that my new husband (married this summer) was an addict and I didn't realize it before hand.
I saw signs, and wondered, but didn't get it until last month and then KAPOW! It blew up in my face.
I am seeing how sick I've become by it and how unmanageable my life has become -- because I'm trying to control him and his using which is IMPOSSIBLE.
Basically it's been making me crazy to try to control him and change things -- not gonna happen I'm finally realizing. So I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself. Going to meetings, reading the materials, practicing surrender and trust...
It's been painful, but also very insightful and healing.
Addicts are obviously very clever and manipulative -- especially with someone who is codependent as many of us are who are in love with them -- even when the man we love is not there presently because of the using.
I'm sorry you're going through this ---it's definitely awful and painful. But I have also found that acknowledging how his sickness is making ME sick and crazy is leading to my own healing one moment at a time.
Have you looked into any Al Anon meetings near you by chance?
I saw signs, and wondered, but didn't get it until last month and then KAPOW! It blew up in my face.
I am seeing how sick I've become by it and how unmanageable my life has become -- because I'm trying to control him and his using which is IMPOSSIBLE.
Basically it's been making me crazy to try to control him and change things -- not gonna happen I'm finally realizing. So I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself. Going to meetings, reading the materials, practicing surrender and trust...
It's been painful, but also very insightful and healing.
Addicts are obviously very clever and manipulative -- especially with someone who is codependent as many of us are who are in love with them -- even when the man we love is not there presently because of the using.
I'm sorry you're going through this ---it's definitely awful and painful. But I have also found that acknowledging how his sickness is making ME sick and crazy is leading to my own healing one moment at a time.
Have you looked into any Al Anon meetings near you by chance?
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Anvilhead
I do realize that things are spinning out of control. He did "snap" at me the last time I told him i was leaving... It scared me. He didn't get violent but I realized he could. He was not any person I know. I realized then I have to get out. So now I am quietly planning my escape. Not "rocking the boat" .... Counting the days....
It makes it better that he goes days and days not coming home... I pray every night that "tonight he won't come home" Most night my prayers are answered. It makes the time staying in the house a little more bearable. My time planning my escape a little more bearable.
And you are right about using in the house.... I went CRAZY on him! I think that is why he doesn't come home much any more... cuz he isn't using in the house.
BTW how could he be so careless?? I would think you would want to hid that! Especially if you are hiding and addiction! Why would you leave "things" laying in the wide open??
It makes it better that he goes days and days not coming home... I pray every night that "tonight he won't come home" Most night my prayers are answered. It makes the time staying in the house a little more bearable. My time planning my escape a little more bearable.
And you are right about using in the house.... I went CRAZY on him! I think that is why he doesn't come home much any more... cuz he isn't using in the house.
BTW how could he be so careless?? I would think you would want to hid that! Especially if you are hiding and addiction! Why would you leave "things" laying in the wide open??
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Shinebright,
I just posted to you on another thread... YOU are right... You are very insightful! And I am getting there.
As I said in the other thread. We live in a very small town. No therapy here. So I am very thankful for this sight. I do think there might be an AA... if they still are open. But he would NEVER let me go there.... HE might know someone...!! He knows EVERYONE! That was one of his excuses NOT to go to rehab... People would know...
Like I said though, I am planning quietly and lying low....
That's the best i have right now.
I just posted to you on another thread... YOU are right... You are very insightful! And I am getting there.
As I said in the other thread. We live in a very small town. No therapy here. So I am very thankful for this sight. I do think there might be an AA... if they still are open. But he would NEVER let me go there.... HE might know someone...!! He knows EVERYONE! That was one of his excuses NOT to go to rehab... People would know...
Like I said though, I am planning quietly and lying low....
That's the best i have right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
It's so great that you found this site. Thank God!
I was on a few other sites before finding this one and this one is now my favorite and has the most resources for what I'm looking for, so I feel very blessed too.
If you want, you can get the Al Anon book online (Paths to Recovery) and there is a section on this forum where they go through each of the 12 steps as a self study.
I just started step 1 this weekend, so I'm glad about that!
Even though you're in a small town, you are able to get the support you need online. So great!
I just read your other thread about planning your leaving quietly.
You are taking steps in the right direction and I am holding a positive outcome in my mind for you and your kids. Keep the faith!
I was on a few other sites before finding this one and this one is now my favorite and has the most resources for what I'm looking for, so I feel very blessed too.
If you want, you can get the Al Anon book online (Paths to Recovery) and there is a section on this forum where they go through each of the 12 steps as a self study.
I just started step 1 this weekend, so I'm glad about that!
Even though you're in a small town, you are able to get the support you need online. So great!
I just read your other thread about planning your leaving quietly.
You are taking steps in the right direction and I am holding a positive outcome in my mind for you and your kids. Keep the faith!
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Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm so sad for you and your poor children. Especially your poor children. As adults, we are entirely responsible for our choices - good or bad. But children have no choice - their parents make choices on their behalf. They are going to grow up thinking the life you all are leading is acceptable and then they will be drawn to that kind of lifestyle as adults. It's got to be so confusing for them.
I'm also afraid for your safety as meth users are so unpredictable. Do you have a safe place you can go in case of an emergency?
I'm also afraid for your safety as meth users are so unpredictable. Do you have a safe place you can go in case of an emergency?
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Hello-kitty
Yes i do. He's never been violent so I'm not really worried right now. It's later when I "do something about it" that I am sure I will leave town.
And the crazy thing is if I don't bring it up, which I have quit doing, he acts like everything is great and he loves me. It is very weird behavior... I mean how do you not come home for days or not call me for 2 days and then come home like every thing is totally fine? That is so weird...
Yes i do. He's never been violent so I'm not really worried right now. It's later when I "do something about it" that I am sure I will leave town.
And the crazy thing is if I don't bring it up, which I have quit doing, he acts like everything is great and he loves me. It is very weird behavior... I mean how do you not come home for days or not call me for 2 days and then come home like every thing is totally fine? That is so weird...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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My husband tells me he does not even remember what happens when he is using. Who did he see? What did they do? Should he be embarrassed to see someone? Does he need to apologize? It's a lot of anxiety he says.
Then he feels bad about it and wants to forget it happened. He would love for us to just move on as if it didnt happen. And since its a blur to him, in some ways it didn't from his perspective.
But we are conscious for all of it and know what happened. I remember the mean things he said to me and the slurring and the crying and the mess of a state he was in. I remember the urgency and requests for money and how all of his made me feel.
Until I got in my own recovery I was into the lets pretend it didn't happen too game and lets move on..,
But that is not okay with me anymore. I'm going to talk about it and I'm going to take care of myself.
So so grateful to be in my own recovery. I can already feel it working.
Then he feels bad about it and wants to forget it happened. He would love for us to just move on as if it didnt happen. And since its a blur to him, in some ways it didn't from his perspective.
But we are conscious for all of it and know what happened. I remember the mean things he said to me and the slurring and the crying and the mess of a state he was in. I remember the urgency and requests for money and how all of his made me feel.
Until I got in my own recovery I was into the lets pretend it didn't happen too game and lets move on..,
But that is not okay with me anymore. I'm going to talk about it and I'm going to take care of myself.
So so grateful to be in my own recovery. I can already feel it working.
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I mean how do you not come home for days or not call me for 2 days and then come home like every thing is totally fine?
well does his key still fit in the lock? and is he allowed to come and go like that without any consequences? as long he's getting away with it, why do anything different?
well does his key still fit in the lock? and is he allowed to come and go like that without any consequences? as long he's getting away with it, why do anything different?
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Anvilhead
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I mean how do you not come home for days or not call me for 2 days and then come home like every thing is totally fine?
well does his key still fit in the lock? and is he allowed to come and go like that without any consequences? as long he's getting away with it, why do anything different?
well does his key still fit in the lock? and is he allowed to come and go like that without any consequences? as long he's getting away with it, why do anything different?
Where is your brain when your wife says LEAVE and I will take these kids and you still act like everything is GREAT! He is always in such a great mood when he is high and, life is FABulous!
Whatever... if he won't leave I will....
I'm over it....today anyway...
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